Four Letter Feelings (The Jeremy Lewis Series Book 1)

by Lasairiona McMaster

  “But a full and happy belly,” she reminded him, waving her spoon at him.

  “True story.”

  ***

  The church they’d gone to for as long as Jeremy could remember was only a couple of blocks from his parents’ house, so they never took the car, no matter how crazy the weather. His parents were religious but not preachy and he suspected long ago that his mom knew he’d lost his faith somewhere along the line but she’d never tried to force him back to the flock, nor had they ever talked about it.

  He wasn’t really sure what he believed, he didn’t go to regular services on Sundays anymore, but he remembered missing only two Christmas Eve services in his life. One because of Europe and the other because of a particularly bad stomach that had left him out of commission for what ended up being the worst Christmas he could remember. As he bundled into the pews with his parents and his parents’ neighbors, he felt a sense of peace come over him. He loved listening to the music. His go-to genre was almost exclusively 80’s R’N’B classics, but the serenity he found in church music was strong and powerful. He closed his eyes as the choir began to sing and lost himself in the music.

  Sitting there, he felt compelled to pray for the first time in years. As a child, he would kneel next to his bed before he slept, and list everyone in his life he wanted God to keep safe. Right now, however, he just felt compelled to say a quiet ‘thank you’. He premised his prayer by confessing he wasn’t even sure if God was real any more, but if he was, he was sorry it had been so long since he’d had a chat.

  He sighed. Ok, well, I’m not really sure if you’re even up there, OR that you move us all around like chess pieces on a board. But if it WAS you, thanks for bringing my parents around to the idea of letting me live my life and make my own mistakes, that one has been pretty a huge game changer in my life throughout recent months. Not only has my life been easier but my relationship with my parents has gotten SO much better.

  As he reflected, he realized just how true that was. While he was in Europe, they only talked weekly and he called out of obligation, often looking for any excuse to avoid talking to them. But since the discussion that AJ had been an unwitting party to, things had markedly improved. He relaxed his shoulders, eyes still closed and breathed deeply. The choir had moved from ‘Ding Dong Merrily on High’ to ‘Silent Night,’ one of his favorites.

  I’ve really enjoyed talking with them since that day, and really, when I think about it, all it took was for me to stay calm for a change and tell them what I needed. Whatever changed, if you had a part in it, thank you.

  The soloist finished singing the first verse and the choir joined in with harmonies. They sounded so good it gave him goosebumps.

  Oh! Hey! While I have you, thanks for AJ. I feel like meeting him was your doing, too. Of all the bars in all of Alabama and the dude walks into the one I’m sitting in. Not to get too sappy or anything, but he’s been pretty important in my life for the last few months, too, and I feel like I’ve made a lifelong friend, so that’s nice. Though if you could help the guy out with this bipolar shit that’d be great.

  He winced at using the swear word before internally chastising himself and reminding himself that God has probably heard a lot worse than a well-placed cuss.

  The choir had moved on to his all-time favorite Christmas carol, ‘Oh Holy Night’, and he felt the hairs prickle at the back of his neck. This one always made him feel emotional, no matter where he was when he heard it. He breathed out a deep and cleansing breath and shifted awkwardly in his seat. He felt his mom’s hand against his own and turned his hand over so she could hold it. She’d done this for as long as he could remember. Something about this song resonated inside of him and made him fall apart, no matter how well prepared he was to hear it.

  Fall on your knees, oh hear the angels’ voices!

  The choir sounded better than ever and his breath hitched as their harmonies soared through the church. He’d always thought acoustics in church made for some impressive sounds and something about Christmas carols always sounded remarkable despite their simple harmonies. He felt hot tears prickle behind his still-closed eyelids. He bit down on his lip and his mom squeezed his hand in a bid to comfort him. He always felt so foolish, but she always just accepted this was going to happen and never made fun of it, sometimes she even cried with him. His dad had never mocked him for crying, either, nor had he ever made him feel foolish for feeling so strongly.

  He wiped his eyes with his free hand and gave his mom’s hand a reassuring squeeze.

  “Every time,” she whispered, sniffling.

  “Every time.”

  ***

  “That was a lovely service,” his mom reflected his own thoughts as they walked home arm-in-arm.

  “It was,” agreed his dad. “We’re both very glad you’re here with us this year, Jer.”

  Jeremy frowned in the darkness, surprised at how open his dad’s comment was, he didn’t usually share his feelings quite so simply. He hadn’t given much thought to how their entire life of Christmas traditions had been upended the previous year with little warning. Both of his parents seemed truly grateful to have him around this year and it made him think about how they must have felt with him gone.

  “Last year must have been hard for you guys,” he said, squeezing his mom’s arm a little.

  “It was,” she agreed. “But I think it just makes me appreciate this year even more. I’m really glad you’re here.”

  “Me, too, and I appreciate you guys easing up on me lately. It means a lot.”

  “We love you Jer, we just want you happy.”

  And he realized that for the first time in a long time, that was exactly how he felt.

  When they got home, they had hot chocolate and snacks by the fire and Jeremy caught his parents up with tales of college life and his trip to Europe. There was still a lot of ground to cover and every time he thought they’d had their fill of hearing about his travels one of them would ask a probing question and off they’d go again. He fell into bed after 2 a.m. having had a few drinks with his parents and sexted a beautiful redhead, whose last text requested that the next time the urge to make cream cheese frosting strikes, he should call her, so he could eat it off her. He was never going to be able to make cinnamon rolls again without his thoughts straying to the stunning siren who wanted him for his body.

  Chapter 21

  “Did they like your gift?” AJ asked, as he sat on the bench in the locker room, bent over and unlacing his skates.

  “Mom cried.” Jeremy rolled his eyes. “Like, actual tears.”

  It was January 5th, they’d started back to classes and hockey practice yesterday and they’d just skated off the ice after their first post-holiday game which they’d won. Today was their first of three double-headers over the next three weeks. Jeremy was excited. The rush of adrenaline, the speed, the skill required and that buzz of performing in front of a crowd cheering for you to win was second to none. From the minute he’d boarded the plane in Canada, he had felt restless. That pull to the ice was strong and he wanted to continue their journey to greatness this season; he could feel it in his bones. They were going to do well. They had a strong team, strong leadership and they were hungry for it.

  “You shoulda seen it, man. She thought the night at the hotel was the gift and was thrilled, but then she saw the tickets and that was all she wrote. Tears. Lots of them.”

  “She’s a bit excited then, eh? Parents! It’s always the weird shit that gets them up in their feels.”

  “So true! She can’t wait. I bet she’s already started to pack, and she’s only going for one freakin’ night!”

  The team had started to filter out for the night, AJ and Jeremy were always one of the last to leave after practice or a game. Jeremy knew a few of the guys would go to the bar for a drink or two, but after an intense and physical game like that, he expected most, if not all, would go home, have an ice bath and crash, hard.

  “When is it?�
�

  “The concert?” AJ nodded. “Uh, January 12th, I think? So she only has a week to wait, but to hear her talk about it you’d think it was months away. She’s so dramatic!”

  AJ raised his eyebrows.

  “What?”

  “I guess that runs in the family,” he answered with a grin.

  “Hey now! Anyway, Dad’s excited about the craft beer and the mac and cheese, Mom’s excited about the show and Jeremy gets a head-pat and son of the year award.”

  “Well I’m glad it went down well. My family loved their gifts from you, man. They told me to send their thanks. Mom and Dad have gone back up north for the foreseeable, there’s some big project involving contracts or something Mom needs to supervise, but she was insistent that I tell you she loved her figurine. She was thrilled you’d noticed her collection and got one she didn’t have.”

  “And adopted-son-of-the-year points too, it would seem!”

  AJ gave him a playful shove. “Kiss-ass.”

  “Not just a perty face,” Jeremy retorted with a smile, as he picked up his kit-bag and they started to make their way to the parking lot.

  “You gonna be ok tomorrow?”

  “What do you mean?” Jeremy paused, as he unlocked the car with the key-fob. “You mean Ryan?”

  “Yeah. Y’all got a bit heated out there tonight. We aren’t on the same lines, though, so I can’t have your back. Do you need me to have a word with Coach and ask him to swap me in so I can watch your six?”

  “What? No! I don’t need a babysitter, man.” Jeremy dismissed the idea with a wave of his hand. “I can handle that asshole. I don’t even know what his problem is. Isn’t it you he hates?”

  “I think you’re just guilty by association, Jer. I’m sure it’s not personal.”

  “Then he’s an even bigger asshole than I first thought. Let him try something and we’ll see how far it gets him.”

  ***

  The next night, AJ found Jeremy sitting on a bench in the locker room holding an ice pack to his face.

  “How bad is it?” AJ asked, as the rest of the team filtered in behind him, loud and lively.

  Tonight’s win was harder fought than the previous night, and despite the team being generally exhausted, they were exuberant from their win. Jeremy’s legs felt like lead weights, his muscles ached and he had three stitches in his face from his fight with Ryan.

  Jeremy pulled the ice pack from his face to display the damage and AJ gave a low whistle.

  “Yeah, you’re bruising up already. That’s gonna be gnarly in the morning, man. Good job standing up for yourself, though. That asshat deserved every punch.”

  Jeremy chuckled. “I almost lost, though. Got lucky when he lost his footing.”

  He put the ice pack down next to him as he started to get dressed and a yawn reminded him of just how tired he was, also just how much his face ached. Deciding not to shower at the rink, but to get himself home and go from there he threw his gear haphazardly into his bag. He didn’t want to risk taking a nap in his car, he knew that AJ would just let his ass sleep and not bother to wake him up.

  “It’s not really about the winning, it’s about the principle. He won’t mess with you on the ice any more now he knows you’ll throw down and keep him in check.”

  “Ha, ha,” Jeremy drawled. “I see what you did there. Is that how sorry for me you feel? You’re resorting to hockey humor? Man. I musta been bad out there.”

  Jeremy ran his hand through his hair and rolled his eyes, wincing in pain as he did so.

  “Fuck!” he grumbled. “That’s going to take some getting used to.”

  “One on the lip, two on your eyebrow?”

  “Yeah. Dude has sharp knuckles.”

  “You don’t need to tell me that,” AJ leaned over so Jeremy could see a silvery-white scar just under his eye socket. “I have a permanent reminder of that fact. Six!”

  “Six? Christ, that dude is a real prick.”

  ***

  Just as he was about to doze off on the ride home, Jeremy felt his phone vibrate and he jumped.

  “You know I’ll leave your ass in the car if you pass out, right?”

  “Yup,” he answered through a yawn. “Sure do! And I know I won’t get my shake, either.” He stretched and pulled out his phone, the corner of his mouth tugged into a half-smirk. He winced. He had wondered if he was going to hear from her again and at the mere sight of her name his pants tightened.

  Jess: Hey sugar britches! Guessing you’re back on American soil… butt stuff?

  “Dude... Who is she?”

  “Who’s who?”

  “Don’t even. Look at your face, man. Do you love this woman, or what?”

  “Nah, man. Why do you always jump to the four-letter feelings shit? Sheesh! Friends with benefits, that’s all it is. She’s a sophomore dance student. I, eh, think that’s what she said she did, anyway. She’s hot and… forward.”

  “Forward?”

  “Yeah. She has this wicked high sex drive and just… says what she wants.”

  “And dare I ask what it is that she wants?”

  “Butt stuff, apparently.”

  “Oh Christ. That’s… specific. I… Jesus Jer that’s TMI!” he tripped over his words, as he stopped at a red light not far from the McDonalds drive-thru.

  “Weeell, you did kinda ask…”

  “Right, but I thought you meant, like, I dunno, ‘I want you baby’, or, ‘I’m hot for you’, or whatever. Not, ‘I want butt stuff.’”

  “No shit. She’s legit the most forward woman I’ve ever met. I kinda like it.”

  “Oh, I bet you do.”

  Jeremy chuckled again as his friend rolled his eyes and opened the window.

  Jeremy: Right now? Sure, I’m picking up McD’s first. Need to refuel after my game. Gimme an hour?

  They were stopped next to the huge menu screens and feeling his stomach rumble he decided he wanted more than just a shake. He was about to tell AJ his order when his phone vibrated on his knee.

  Jess: Sure, I’ll take a large chocolate shake and large fries.

  Jess: Please and thank you.

  After AJ had completed his order, pulled forward to pay and was waiting at the pick-up window he turned to Jeremy. “Dude, are you sure you’re not in a relationship with this woman? Bringing her food? Isn’t that, I dunno, like, boyfriend territory?”

  “You’d think. But honestly, I’m just catching tail, man. I’m bringing her food ʼcause she asked. It’s like you texting me when I’m on my way home and asking me to pick something up. We’re friends.”

  “Yeah. Sure. Except… well, except I don’t wanna do butt stuff with you.”

  As soon as the words were out of his mouth the guy in the pick-up window cleared his throat. Jeremy burst out laughing and AJ turned a dark shade of red.

  “Here’s your drinks, sir, and your food. Can I get you any extra sauces?”

  “No, thanks. This is good,” AJ answered, reaching out the window and taking the tray of drinks and bag of food from the server whose gaze, Jeremy noticed, was flicking between them.

  “Ok, well, thank you, sir. And… eh… good luck with the butt stuff I guess.”

  Jeremy roared with laughter and AJ groaned with mortification.

  “My girlfriend’s friend told her it’s easier if you just relax, but I mean, that kinda sounds pretty obvious, right?”

  “Oh God,” AJ groaned again. He held up his hand to silence the server.

  “Nothing to be embarrassed about, man. Different strokes for different folks, right?”

  Jeremy had barely stopped laughing and seeing the look on AJ’s face he erupted all over again.

  “Thanks,” was all AJ could mumble before he put the car in drive and took off from the window. “I hate you, man.”

  “Lies. You love me. I needed that laugh, though my face now hurts like hell. Did I pop a stitch?”

  “Dude, use the mirror. I’m driving! Gotta keep my eyes on the road and
all, y’know?”

  “It’s all good, man. No blood. Just a sore face. Anyway, do you mind if she comes over?”

  “Well, I guess it’s just as well I don’t mind, eh? Considering she’s standing outside our door waiting for you.”

  Jeremy grinned and shook his head. Talk about presumptive. “I can take her to her place if you’d rather,” he offered. Even in the dimly lit street he could see her eyes sparkling from where he sat inside the car.

  “Nah, it’s fine,” he answered. “Try not to make me puke-up this food though, yeah?”

  Chapter 22

  “What the fuck happened to your face?” Jess exclaimed, as Jeremy stepped out of the car.

  “Hi honey, I’m hoooome!” he chirped, cheerily.

  “Don’t give me that coupley shit or I’ll give you swollen balls to go with that swollen face. And before you say something not-at-all hilarious, I don’t mean fun swollen balls.”

  “Oh, she’s a real peach,” AJ said clearly trying to control the amused smirk on his face, but failing miserably.

  She grabbed Jeremy’s chin and inspected the damage to his face.

  “You should see the other guy,” he answered with a lopsided grin.

  “You should see the other guy,” AJ agreed with a nod. “Not many get the upper hand on Ryan, but Jeremy Mayweather over there…” he jerked his chin at Jeremy. “He did better than I expected.”

  “High praise, Pim. AJ, this is Jess, Jess, AJ.”

  Jess looked at Jeremy in disbelief. “Introducing me to your friends? Gonna start sending me love letters next?”

  AJ laughed. “I like her,” he said as he opened the front door, made his way into the living room and turned on the TV, making sure the volume was insufferably high.

  “I like him, too,” Jess called over the blaring noise. She looked at him as though he were a piece of meat and he kinda loved it. Knowing she had a need that she felt he could satisfy gave him a rush of confidence. He dropped the bag of food next to the door, picked her up and draped her over his shoulder and grabbed the milkshakes before making his way up to his room.