Four Letter Feelings (The Jeremy Lewis Series Book 1)

by Lasairiona McMaster

“Are you ok, Jer? You look like shit.”

  “I’m not feeling so good. I’m going home, though, so if you see Age can you tell him I went home please?”

  He didn’t wait for an answer, he needed to get away from her, from the bar, from the pool of spicy chicken nugget vomit he was trying to blame for making his stomach roll when he knew it was because of something else entirely. His stomach was churning over something deep down he knew, but wasn’t ready to face.

  As he walked, he tried dialing both of his parents’ cell phones again, and again, but when neither of them answered his walk broke into a jog and before long, he was sprinting towards the house. He erupted through the door of the house and found AJ pacing in the hall, wringing his hands and muttering to himself.

  “Have you heard anything?” he demanded as soon as he spotted Jeremy. “I just heard, I tried calling you, but figured you’d come straight here so it was best to just… wait.”

  “No, I… I… they won’t answer their phones,” he answered, quietly. He couldn’t meet AJ’s gaze. He couldn’t look at his face at all. He didn’t want to see the pity that was undoubtedly painted across it. He didn’t want to face the reality that was crashing down on him, a reality that he couldn’t accept. He couldn’t even say the words inside his own mind, in fact, he was struggling to manage any words at all. His whole body felt tense, racked with panic and fear, his jaw ached from clenching and an overwhelming tiredness clutched at him.

  He tried to take a deep breath, but it caught around the growing knot in his chest. He felt tears prickling behind his eyes, and as he blinked furiously to somehow make them stop, he felt AJ’s arms wrap around him.

  “Don’t, man,” he choked, pushing against AJ’s chest with his palms, flat.

  AJ didn’t move other than to tighten his grip around Jeremy, and he quickly gave up trying to push him away. Instead, he leaned against his friend for strength and comfort. His body trembled, his tears flowed and his friend didn’t move, didn’t speak, he just stood, holding Jeremy and letting him process what they both already somehow knew, but neither wanted to believe.

  “My phone!” exclaimed Jeremy, startling AJ and jolting out of his grip. “I had a missed call earlier, and I didn’t recognize the number,” he explained, wiping away his tears with the heel of his hand and pulling his phone back out of his pocket. Despite his suspicions, he had secretly hoped to find missed calls and messages from his parents telling him that they were fine, when the screen had no messages to display, his stomach sank.

  “Three-one-three… it’s got to be a Detroit number.”

  Chapter 24

  “I can’t.” Jeremy forced himself to breathe deeply through his nose as he stared at the screen on his phone. “You do it,” he rasped, shoving his phone towards AJ. He dropped himself onto the stairs, raked his hands through his hair and tried to calm his frantic mind. “Please, Pim. I— I can’t— I need you to do it.”

  “They won’t talk to me, Jer. They’ll want you.”

  “Lie. Pretend you’re me. They won’t know any different. I can’t. I just… please just call them,” he pleaded.

  “Ok, ok, wait.” AJ crouched down in front of him. “Whatever they tell me, we will get you through this, ok?”

  “What if they’re dead?” he managed, his voice barely a whisper. Each breath felt like it was battling through shards of glass to get into his lungs. Tears made their way down his cheeks and he didn’t move to stop them.

  AJ grabbed his head, forcing Jeremy to look at him in a gesture of solidarity.

  “I got you.”

  Despite sounding confident, Jeremy could see his friend was struggling with his own composure, his eyes were filled with sympathy and they reflected his own pain, too, which only made him feel even worse.

  “They could be fine, right? I mean, I’m sure plenty of people are ok, right? There are a million reasons why they might not have answered their phones, or why they couldn’t find another phone to call me from…” he trailed off.

  He knew that there was no plausible explanation for his parents not making contact to let him know that they were fine, unless they weren’t fine, and he really wasn’t ready to accept that they weren’t fine. Parents were supposed to live long and annoyingly overprotective lives where they drove you insane about every bad decision you made for all eternity.

  He zoned out, staring straight ahead as AJ pushed himself up to standing and hit the redial button on the three-one-three number from Detroit.

  Please, God, please just let them be ok. I won’t even be mad that they didn’t call. Please just let them be ok.

  As he sat staring hopefully at his friend, his mind went numb. His body quickly followed and as AJ spoke it sounded like he was underwater. Jeremy couldn’t hear what he was saying, it sounded garbled and far away, but somewhere in his brain he knew, his parents were dead.

  Denial

  He forced himself to look AJ in the eye, he knew from AJ’s posture that the news wasn’t good. His shoulders curled forward, his head hung low and when he spoke, his voice was unsteady. While Jeremy couldn’t hear what was being said, he could tell by AJ’s reaction that whomever was on the other end of the phone wasn’t telling him that Jeremy’s parents were alive, well and just couldn’t come to the phone right now.

  He could tell AJ was fighting tears, his eyes glistened under the harsh glare of the light in the hall and Jeremy felt denial quickly coiling in his stomach.

  They’re fine, they just need to keep looking. They’re fine. The cops will find them, alive and hiding in a corner somewhere. They… I… no, they’re not dead, they can’t be dead, they’re fine, I know they’re fine.

  “Yes sir, we’ll make the arrangements,” AJ said. “Yes sir, thank you.”

  He took Jeremy’s phone down from his ear and held onto it for a moment before lifting his head and meeting his piercing stare. Jeremy could see he was struggling to find words.

  “Jeremy, I—”

  “No,” he rasped. “They’re not.” He shook his head, emphatically. “You have to call whoever that was back and tell him to keep looking. They need to keep looking until they find my parents!” He hadn’t realized he was yelling, or that he’d balled his fists so hard his hands were starting to ache. He hadn’t realized that his chest was heaving so heavily with desperation, or that beads of sweat were trickling down his neck.

  “I’m so sorry, Jer,” AJ tried again.

  “It’s not them. They have the wrong people!”

  “Jer—”

  “You’re wrong, AJ!” Jeremy bellowed, standing up and thumping his fists against his thighs. “You’re wrong! It’s not them!” he challenged, squaring himself up to his friend. “It’s too fast. There’s no way they are contacting next of kin this quickly! There’s no way they can identify bod – people this early.” Jeremy knew he was hysterically trying to convince himself. He also knew that it was pointless.

  “I’m sorry, Jer. But it is. They were… eh, found first.” Jeremy was suddenly aware that AJ was trying to soften the blow and break it to him gently.

  “Just tell me,” he demanded.

  AJ took a slow breath and shook his head gently. “They found your parents first. They suspect they had just walked into the theater. Officer Moore said it looked like,” he paused and took another breath, seemingly to steady himself. “It looked like your dad tried to protect your mom. But… I’m so sorry, Jeremy. So sorry,” he repeated. “They’re gone Jer. They died instantly, it was quick and they didn’t suffer. I’m so sorry.” He took a step forward, arms reached out, and Jeremy swatted away his hands.

  “No!” he insisted, though less vehemently than before. “They can’t be,” he whispered. “My parents can’t be dead, Pim. They can’t!” He felt his body quivering against his will.

  “I know, Jer. It’s awful, a tragedy, and I truly am so fucking sorry. I told Officer Moore that we’d make our way to Detroit to identify their bo— ah, your parents. I’m going to book fligh
ts right now, ok? I’m going to book flights, and a car from Detroit so we can go to your parents’ house when we need to. Do you want to go upstairs and start packing what you need?” AJ took a breath and stared at his friend, intently. “Y’know what?” he continued. “Why don’t you come upstairs with me and I’ll pack while you just… sit… ok?”

  Jeremy wasn’t sure if he answered or not, nor was he sure how his legs worked enough to carry him upstairs. He didn’t really remember hearing AJ calling his own parents to tell them and he didn’t remember hearing AJ booking the flights and rental car. While he sat watching AJ throwing clothes and toiletries into two bags, he didn’t really feel present. His head swam with thoughts and feelings and his body felt heavy. He couldn’t think straight, he knew he should say something to AJ, who kept throwing him concerned, furtive glances as he moved quietly around the bedroom but no words came. He pinched the bridge of his nose and willed his stomach to stop roiling. He picked up his phone, saw there was still nothing from his parents, ignored the messages from Blake and Chris, sent a Facebook message to his brother, Scott, telling him that their parents were dead, then squeezed the cell phone tightly between his hands. Huffing out a breath he threw the phone across the room with a heavy grunt as though it was the phone’s fault his parents were dead.

  “Jer?” AJ asked, pausing his packing and turning to face Jeremy. “What can I do?”

  Jeremy shook his head and gestured for AJ to continue packing. “I’m fine.”

  “Well, we both know that’s not true, but I’m going to keep pushing to get us out the door to Detroit, ok? If you think of anything in the meantime that you need, or want, please just speak, ok? I am here for you, Jer. However, I can be.”

  Gratitude warmed his chest, looping around the anger and fear he was feeling with every breath.

  “Promise?” Jeremy asked, acutely aware he sounded childlike and fragile but in the moment he didn’t care. “I really don’t have anyone else, man. Both my parents were only children, my grandparents are all long gone … I don’t know of any extended family, my parents never spoke about anyone, it was just us. It was always just… us… and my brother…” he trailed off. “I’ve been looking for him, but I can’t find him. It’s just me. It’s just me, AJ and I don’t know how to—” His breath caught as emotions overwhelmed him.

  Except you did find him and he rejected you.

  The shame of his brother’s rejection kept Jeremy from telling his friend he’d found him. The realization that he was alone was intense and daunting. Sure, he’d travelled around Europe by himself for a year, but he always had the parental safety net in case he somehow messed up and needed rescuing. Now, he was alone.

  Alone.

  “I’m alone, AJ.”

  AJ dropped what he was doing and crossed the room, squatting in front of Jeremy once again, grabbing his hands on his lap and squeezing. “I know you feel like that right now. I know you feel like your entire world has disappeared in an instant and those are all very valid feelings but you are not alone, do you hear me? I got you.”

  He squeezed again and Jeremy’s eyes filled.

  A throat clearing in the doorway made them both jump and AJ fell onto his butt on the floor.

  “Jess!” Jeremy exclaimed, grinding his heels into his eyes to wipe away any evidence of his emotions. “What—”

  “I’m sorry to just barge in,” she began quietly. “I did try knocking but I guess you didn’t hear me. The door was open so I just came in… I just wanted to see if you were feeling better and if you needed anything. You left so suddenly and you seemed so sick, I just, I wanted to make sure you were okay, that’s all.”

  She smiled a small and sympathetic smile and gave a half-shrug.

  Inexplicable anger flared inside of him. Of course she was here, he’d bet every dollar in his wallet that the whole campus was now ablaze with gossip that poor freshman Jeremy Lewis’ parents were gunned down in the attack in Michigan. That’s why she was here, it was to see what she could find out, rather than to make sure he was ok.

  “Came to find out the gossip, did ya?” he snarled, cruelly.

  “No, I—”

  He didn’t let her finish, he didn’t let her say another thing, he just yelled at her, telling her to leave and watched in triumph as her jaw dropped open in shock and she turned and hurried away.

  AJ scrambled to his feet. “Jess, wait!” he called.

  Jeremy scowled at him as he watched his friend run after her. He couldn’t hear what AJ said, only the low murmur of his voice, but he did hear Jessica’s interrupted gasp as he guessed she clamped her hand over her mouth in shock. He heard her distress as she said, “Oh my god, AJ, that’s awful!”

  Guilt twisted in his stomach. He scraped his hands through his hair, resting his hands on his neck and stretching his head back. He tuned out whatever the others were saying outside the door and tried to focus his mind, but all he could think about was the list of things no one his age should ever have to deal with. He’d have to fly to Detroit and identify his parents’ bodies. He’d seen enough crime shows on TV to know that even though they had identification on them when they’d been killed, a member of the family needed to come and confirm identity and claim their bodies. Then he’d have to plan their funeral service and burial. He had no idea how to do that. He didn’t know the first thing about planning a funeral, or even how to go about putting that in motion. He didn’t know how to handle his parents’ probate, he’d have to hire a lawyer, and reminded himself that his mom was a lawyer and probably had all of her affairs in order, all he’d have to do is find a number to talk to one of her colleagues. He’d have to go through all their things, tidy up the house and probably sell it. That idea made his stomach lurch and he sprung to his feet to pace as he re-ran the list of things he needed to do over and over in his mind. As he trawled through the list, he kept circling back to the one startling truth that he tried so hard to convince himself wasn’t true: his parents were gone.

  Chapter 25

  Jeremy didn’t hear AJ come back into the room, but at some point, he realized the packing had resumed and he was no longer sitting by himself.

  “I’m sorry,” he managed.

  “Don’t sweat it, man. She understands. Whatever you gotta do to keep breathing and putting one foot in front of the other right now, you do, ok? We’ll clean up whatever we need to on the other side.”

  Jeremy nodded, words failing him once again.

  “You wanna have a shower now, or before we leave for the airport?” He checked his watch. “We have some time before we gotta leave. Shower, nap and breakfast, those are the three things we need to do before we leave, the order they’re done in, that’s up to you.”

  The idea of eating or sleeping right now turned his stomach. “Shower,” he croaked, standing up and grabbing his towel from the back of the chair before he stepped into the bathroom. Closing the door, he rested his forehead against it for a moment before he felt himself starting to shake uncontrollably. He turned his back against the door, covered his face with his hands and sunk onto the floor.

  You don’t have time to break down. Get up. Get washed. Sleep, eat, fly.

  Placing his hands on the cool, tiled floor, he pushed himself back up to standing and turned the shower on to warm up. As he pulled his clothes off and dropped them on the bathroom floor, he was hit in the face by the smell of stale sweat and vomit.

  He wasn’t sure how long he’d been standing in the shower when he emerged, but AJ jumped awake when Jeremy walked into the room.

  “Sorry, I was trying to be quiet.” Jeremy winced.

  “Nah, not at all, man,” AJ answered as he sat up and stretched. “I wasn’t deep asleep anyway. What’s next? Food or sleep?”

  His stomach still rebelled at the idea of eating, but he wasn’t sure he’d be able to sleep, either.

  “I can try for a nap,” he replied, running the towel over his hair and pulling some boxers from a half-open drawer. AJ stood u
p and stretched again as Jeremy took his place on the bed.

  “Cool, I’m going to have a shower and finish my packing. If you need me, holler, ʼkay?”

  But Jeremy’s eyes were already closed and his imagination was already pulling images from the darkest recesses of his mind.

  ***

  When he started awake, he was disorientated. A light in the corner of the room caught his attention and he blinked the blurred figure into focus.

  “You babysitting me now?” he mumbled, pushing himself up onto his elbow.

  “I wouldn’t put it quite like that,” AJ answered, locking his phone and tucking it in the back pocket of his jeans. “I just wanted to be here for you, that’s all.”

  Jeremy reached over and turned on the bedside lamp to help the sunrise that was trying to peek in around the curtains.

  “I’m probably going to be a complete clusterfuck over these coming weeks-slash-months, Pim. But I want to tell you right now, before the crazy hits, that I appreciate you.”

  “I know you do, man. I know. And I meant what I said earlier about not leaving you. You’re family to me. Ride or die, you hear me?” He winced. Jeremy guessed it was at his use of the word ‘die’ but he couldn’t be sure.

  “We all packed?” Jeremy cleared his throat and attempted to defuse the rising awkwardness he was feeling.

  AJ nodded. “Yeah, we’re good to go. Checked in for our flights. I’ve changed my sheets and we’ll change yours once you get your ass out of them.”

  Jeremy grinned at how responsible his friend was. “You’re such an adulty adult, man… Shit. I feel so bad about yelling at Jessica. I should text her and say sorry before we leave.” He glanced across the room looking for his phone’s landing point when he’d thrown it earlier.

  “I picked it up, it’s on the bedside cabinet, next to the lamp.”

  “Oh.” Jeremy blushed, feeling suddenly very aware of his angry outburst. In addition to the messages from Blake and Chris, there was a friend request and a message request on his all-but-abandoned Facebook account from Chelsea. Clicking accept on the friend request, he went into his message request folder and clicked on her message.