Hey Jer,
Just want to make sure you’re ok, you seemed super sick. I know your girlfriend came to take care of you, but I thought I’d double check. I’m at the airport ready to board my early-morning flight home, but I can totally Uber Eats you some soup or something if you need it. Just let me know.
Hope you’re ok,
Chels.
Jeremy smiled at the concern and wondered if he was reading too much into her comment about Jess being his girlfriend.
Chels,
Wonders never cease. I had to splash cold water on my face to make sure I wasn’t seeing things when I saw your friend request. I wasn’t sick, though. Not really sure how to write this as I haven’t even said the words out loud yet, but my parents were killed in Detroit earlier. Unfortunately, you happened upon me the moment I heard about the… eh… incident. Thanks for your concern, though, it’s touching.
Jer
P.S. She’s really not my girlfriend, just someone I’m having a little fun with. Say you’ll go on a date with me and I’m ready to commit, though…
He thought about deleting his message, he shouldn’t be flirty, or anything but somber and dismayed that his parents were killed, but he pressed send before he could change his mind. He needed to hold on to the one thing that currently made him feel anything other than rage and despair, and if that meant flirting with Chelsea Davis, then he was damn well going to flirt with Chelsea Davis.
Standing up, he pulled a shirt and pants from the drawers and got dressed, after pulling his shoes on he checked the time. “How long do we have?”
“We need to leave soon. I figure we’ll grab a drive thru breakfast, or eat at the airport, your call.”
Jeremy pulled the dirty sheets off his bed and threw them at AJ to put in the laundry basket while he replaced them with clean sheets. Everything felt surreal, everything felt inconsequential when he thought about the fact that his parents were gone, something he had to remind himself of continually. He wondered if this was what shock felt like, knowing that something was factually correct but living in a state of disbelief and denial. Maybe once he saw their bodies it would feel more real, but for right now, in this moment, he felt as though it was someone else’s parents who had died and that the police had to have made a mistake. There was no way he was actually flying to Detroit to identify his parents’ bodies. He’d tell the officer that those people were not his parents and they could continue their search for the poor child whose parents they really were. It was just one huge misunderstanding. It had to be. He had half-convinced himself that there was some other, as of yet unknown, reason as to why his parents hadn’t answered their messages, or picked up the phone. It couldn’t possibly be because they were actually dead.
The journey to the airport was a blur, and as they drove, Jeremy ate something that he didn’t really taste which now sat heavily in his stomach because AJ threatened to force-feed him if he didn’t eat of his own volition. He thanked AJ for not peppering him with questions or trying to make small talk. He really appreciated how AJ always seemed to know when to back down or give him space, and right now, Jeremy needed space. He needed time to process the news that his parents had been brutally murdered and that he was facing the rest of his life alone. He needed time to think, though that was proving to be an impossible feat as his mind just kept churning back through the same list of things he needed to do, interspersed with the awful reminders that he was now alone.
He watched out the window as the buildings passed by, he willed his mind to calm, but nothing could stop the panicked monologue on repeat inside his head. No amount of telling himself that everything was ok and that it was all some huge misunderstanding could unravel the knot of terror and fear clenched tightly in the middle of his chest. He wiped at a stray tear that escaped and trickled down his cheek. He felt his breath catching and heard himself hiccup as he tried to push down everything he was feeling. He yearned for everything to just quiet down for a moment. He fought the waves of nausea and the overwhelming anxiety that came from staring in the face of suddenly having no family and being alone. He shoved aside the fear of not only seeing a dead body for the first time in his life, but seeing two bodies and those bodies being his parents, whom he’d bantered with over text just hours before. He inhaled shallower, faster, trying to force air into his body as he reminded himself to breathe. His stomach lurched, threatening to empty. He felt AJ’s warm hand wrap around his forearm and give a reassuring squeeze.
Jeremy didn’t know how to respond, so instead he stayed quiet as hot tears trickled down his face. He closed his eyes in a hopeless attempt to make his world stop spinning and to gain some quiet focus, but none came.
His phone chimed with a notification and when he saw Chelsea’s name appear on the screen he cringed. He wasn’t ready for sympathy and pity from someone he enjoyed bantering with and someone he wanted to win over.
OMG Jer, I’m so sorry! I don’t even know what to say to that. I know you probably don’t want to talk about how you’re feeling, but I’m here for you if you want to, or if there’s anything you need … (get your mind out of the gutter, Mr. Lewis!) Do you need me to throw down some insults and make fun of you? I can totally do that.
Seriously though, you’re not alone. I know we have… chemistry, even if I don’t like to admit it, but I do care for you and I need you to know you’re not alone. Let me know what you need*
Chels
*Nope, still not sleeping with you.
He smiled through his tears and wiped his face with his sleeve. When he eventually figured out how to survive without his parents, he planned to work on convincing this woman to let him take her out to dinner. He was embarrassed of how he was feeling despite knowing that it was perfectly normal to be a ‘hot mess’ when you just found out your parents had died. He opted for distracting himself and flirting. That was something he could control, that was something he was used to, that was something he could focus on and anchor himself with. He resolved to stay away from the feelings as much as he could while he chatted to her.
Chels,
Boobs. I need boobs. That would totally help.
Let’s not jump ahead, can’t I just take you to dinner?
I think I’m kind of at the point of rejecting that it’s even happened to be honest. I need to get there and see them and maybe then things will be easier to accept. Right now, I’m just in a daze. It doesn’t feel real. It all feels like some fucked-up nightmare and I keep pinching myself with foolish hope that it’ll wake me up.
Anyway, where are we on the boobs?
Jer
He was glad he didn’t have to look into her expressive eyes. He could simply pretend that the sympathy he knew would be there was absent and she was her usually flirty self. He appreciated her attempt at keeping things light-hearted, it was nice to have at least something relatively normal right now. He got out of the car and grabbed his case from the trunk. The airport parking lot was pretty quiet and there weren’t many people around, it was quiet, unsettling and didn’t at all mirror the raging cacophony blaring inside his mind. He shook his head to try and silence the noise, but it didn’t help. Glancing at AJ, Jeremy found himself wondering what he was thinking. He wondered if his mind had been taken over by a variation of the confusion and chaos that was whirring around his own mind. Maybe he was thinking about his next meal and wondering why he agreed to go on this trip with Jeremy at all. He didn’t know and he didn’t ask, afraid that it might be the latter and right now he needed to convince himself that he had someone in his corner, someone who chose to be there with him. Right now, he needed his friend, and it pained him to admit something that felt this close to pathetic and whiny.
Mr. Lewis,
You never give up, do you? You realize I said I’m not interested, right?
Chelsea
---
Chels,
Except you ARE interested Ms. Davis and we both know it. Kinda tempted to send you an unsolicited dick-pic rig
ht now, to show you exactly what you’re missing, but I won’t, ʼcause I’m a gentleman like that.
I look forward to the boobs.
Jer
He sent her his cell number so they could stop using Facebook messenger to chat and could communicate like regular human beings. Dropping his bag on the scales he struggled to pay attention to the ticket agent then trudged through the line at security. He felt as though life was passing in slow motion, but simultaneously, quickly. Like he was the only person moving at snail’s pace and the rest of the world was moving around him in a blurred swirl of activity.
He bought a Wi-Fi package after taking his seat on the plane and AJ leaned back into his seat to take a nap. Jeremy wished he could find the words to tell his friend how much he appreciated his presence and how comforting it was to have him on this trip, but every time he tried to make himself speak, the words tripped up over the lump in his throat.
Chelsea: I appreciate the restraint. I never understand why guys think we want to see their penis. It’s not like it’s some beautiful creation that we NEED to see, or that we become instantly hypnotized by it as soon as we see it. They’re actually pretty ugly.
Jeremy: Maybe it’s an imprint kinda situation. When you see the right penis, you’re tied to it forever?
Chelsea: Are you really Twilighting me right now, wolf boy?
Jeremy: Please don’t tell me you were team sparkle face. I couldn’t take it. And maybe they were onto something, maybe if you see my penis, you’ll instantly fall in love with me and we’ll skip straight to the white picket fence.
Chelsea: One peen to rule them all? I mean… maybe?
Jeremy: LoTR? All the greats are coming out, now. Just need to throw down references to Harry Potter and Fifty Shades and we’ll have covered all the big hitters in pop culture.
Chelsea: We can skip the Harry Potter thing. Her politics bug me. I kinda want to write fanfic about Malfoy the white supremacist being trans.
Jeremy: Woah. Remind me never to get on your bad side.
Chelsea: Just don’t be a narrow-minded prick. Simple.
Jeremy: Well, I can’t promise I won’t be a douche canoe on occasion, but love is love and every life matters.
Jeremy: Except no life matters until Black lives matter.
Chelsea: We’ve definitely taken a turn from pop culture right now … but I couldn’t agree more.
Jeremy: I think it’s probably more important to make sure you actually like my politics before checking you like my penis, and you know how keen I am for you to see this epic peen.
Chelsea: LOL. You never quit, do you?
Jeremy: Chelsea Davis I think I’m going to marry you some day. Just accept your fate and we can skip all the awkward new dating stuff and get to the fun sex-all-the-time stuff.
Chelsea: Bahahaha. Well that escalated quickly. But… eh, nope. I don’t want to get married. I don’t want to have kids, either.
Jeremy: Wow. Way to kick a man while he’s down. Never, never ever? Like, no chance? So not only do you not want to see my penis, but you don’t want to spend forever with me and have adorable babies with me? I think I need to sit down. My entire life’s plan has just spontaneously combusted.
Chelsea: Maybe never, I haven’t decided. But if I end up with someone, he needs to be ok with the fact that it might just be me and there might never be a wedding or kids.
Jeremy: A woman who knows what she wants, I can definitely respect that.
Chelsea: But you want the wife, kids and the fence, don’t ya?
Jeremy: I think I can live without the piece of paper to say she loved me, but I think kids are a deal breaker. I really want to be a dad someday.
Sadness washed over him as he realized that no matter what future lay ahead of him, his parents wouldn’t be there to see it, and enjoy it with him. A list of milestones quickly crossed his mind – his college graduation, his first time playing in an NHL game, his wedding, the birth of his children – his parents wouldn’t be there to see any of it. His chest hurt with a deep and painful ache. He was also unhappy that he wouldn’t get the chance to make his dad proud of him. He ground his fist into his chest, hoping to rub the pain away, but as his tears fell all over again, he feared that the gaping hole the death of his parents had suddenly left in his chest was incurable.
They landed, walked to baggage claim where their luggage was already waiting for them and as they stepped through arrivals Jeremy spotted someone familiar waiting for them.
“Oh god,” he breathed, feeling the lump in his throat growing and tears prickling behind his eyelids.
“Mom.” AJ didn’t sound at all surprised that his mom was there waiting for them, yet he also seemed not to have known she was coming.
Jeremy stopped walking towards her. He felt his jaw quivering and clamped his teeth together in an attempt to stop the wave of emotions that had unexpectedly crashed into him. He heard a noise escape his body but it didn’t sound like himself. He watched as Cindy strode towards him, her face twisted in pain, arms outstretched to hug him to her. Jeremy bit down on his lip and shook his head, holding his hand up to stop her.
“I… can’t,” he rasped.
“Oh, Jeremy.” Ignoring his hand, she pulled him into her arms, squeezing him tightly against her. “I’m so, so sorry, sweetheart,” she said into his hair, as he surrendered himself into her embrace. His body let go of the tension it was carrying and the tears he’d fought for the last twelve hours came fast and freely. He sobbed in her arms, not because he didn’t care who saw him, but because he couldn’t fight it any more. He was a passenger being carried along. He couldn’t stop it, even if he’d wanted to.
He wasn’t sure how long he stood crying in the arms of his best friend’s mother, but he knew it was ugly. When he finally came up for air, his chest heaved, his face felt hot and wet and his throat was dry. He glanced quickly at her face before attempting to look away.
“Jeremy Lewis.” Her voice sounded warm but firm as she held onto his shoulders. “You cannot run from this; do you hear me? Nor should you. It will eat you up inside. This is nothing to be ashamed of,” she paused and Jeremy glanced around the arrivals hall to see if anyone was watching his nervous breakdown in the middle of the airport. “And most importantly, you are not alone, ok?”
He felt his jaw starting to quiver again and he rolled his lips between his teeth as he nodded slowly, tears trickling down his cheeks.
“I’m so scared,” he whispered. Saying the words aloud felt like a weight was lifted from his shoulders.
“I know you are, and that’s alright. But we’ve got you, okay? We’ve got you,” she repeated, pulling him in for another hug and rubbing his back. Her warmth and the strength with which she spoke was both comforting and assuring.
“I don’t know what to do,” he mumbled into her shoulder.
He felt her nodding against the side of his head and she spoke in his ear. “I know. But I’ll take care of it as much as I can, ok? I’ll try and do the heavy lifting and help you as much as I can. If that’s what you want anyway, I don’t want to just show up and take over, but I couldn’t just stay home and let you muddle through this alone.” She seemed to realize she was rambling and stopped. “Well, I’m here to do all I can if you need me.”
Jeremy nodded emphatically. “Please,” he practically pleaded. “I can’t do this by myself. I don’t know how…” he trailed off, stepped back and dried his face with the heels of his hands as he realized they were still standing in the arrivals area of the airport. “I’m sorry—” he started.
“No, Jer,” she interrupted. “You don’t get to apologize right now, ok? Let’s get moving, I’m sure you’re tired, and we have a long day ahead of us, but we will get you through it.”
He felt embarrassed at how much comfort he felt when she used plurals and didn’t single him out.
“I took the liberty of starting the ball rolling with the Canadian embassy to talk about repatriating your parents back to West
Lorne. They’re just at the end of the phone and only too happy to help with anything we need.”
They walked out to Cindy’s rental car, pausing briefly for AJ to confirm with the rental company that his mom had rented a car instead and he wouldn’t be needing the one he’d reserved any longer. When they got out to the car, Cindy asked AJ for the information about where they needed to go that he’d got from the officer on the phone and they set off towards the morgue.
The longer they were in the car, the tighter Jeremy’s stomach contracted. He felt sick, and kept grabbing onto the door handle as though it could somehow steady him.
Chelsea: You doing ok?
Jeremy: No. I can’t do this.
Jeremy: Sorry. I know we’re not about the real shit. We deal in sarcasm and hilarity, but I’m coming up empty on both those things.
Chelsea: Shut your face, Lewis. I’m here for you. Whatever you need.
Chelsea: Except that.
Jeremy: Buzzkill.
Jeremy: I’m so scared, Chels.
Chelsea: I have no idea what you’re going through, but I know you’re stronger than you think.
Glancing up, he realized they had pulled up outside the morgue and his stomach lurched. Tears threatened. His hands shook as he held the phone.
Jeremy: We just got to the morgue. I feel sick. I can’t do this.
Chelsea: Just keep breathing, Jeremy. Not only can you do this, but you need to.
Jeremy: I’m sorry for dumping all of this on you. I know you have, y’know, a life.
Chelsea: Hey. Stop that. I’d hug you if I could, but there’s one waiting for you next time I come to ʼBama. Just keep breathing.
He nodded to himself and realized that Cindy and AJ were already out of the car. He wasn’t sure how he was supposed to feel ready enough to face what was undoubtedly the worst day of his entire life, but as he followed Cindy into the building, he felt anything but ready.
Four Letter Feelings (The Jeremy Lewis Series Book 1) Page 16