Chapter 26
Nothing is ever as easy as it might seem. In Jeremy’s head he was going to turn up, tell them those strangers lying on the medical examiner’s metal slabs weren’t his parents and that would be that. What had actually happened two weeks ago when they arrived to identify the bodies, was nothing like he’d expected.
As it happened, those ‘strangers’ were, in fact, his parents, and much to Jeremy’s dismay it wasn’t quite as simple as saying they were his parents and leaving with them to bring them home. There were procedures and processes and it was overwhelming. True to her word, Cindy had been there with him every step of the way. He stayed quiet while Cindy spoke with the medical examiner who informed them that due to the fact they were murdered, a post mortem was required by law and that could take up to six weeks. He also told them that since the bodies were being transported out of state, embalming was legally required. Cindy requested fifteen certified copies of their death certificates – one of her colleagues had given her a heads up that Jeremy would need at least ten to take care of his parents’ affairs, so she asked for extras, just to be sure. She had also requested hermetically sealed caskets, another legal requirement, this time from the Canadian side as well as a certified letter from the coroner to confirm the identity of his parents. She’d ensured that the funeral director knew the required logistics and specifications for transporting human remains by plane. The coffins had to be wrapped in protective fabric and placed on an air-tray, a special wooden slab with handles to help the baggage handlers lift the coffins more easily.
He had gone back to Alabama with AJ a few days later, with Cindy’s assurance that she wouldn’t leave Detroit, she promised to stay close to Jeremy’s parents in case anything was needed. The coroner couldn’t give them an idea of when he could release the bodies, so Jeremy went back to Alabama to try and make a plan for the weeks to come. There was a lot of his parents’ paperwork to get started on and arrangements needed to be put in place for when they were ready to make their final trip home.
Then he and AJ had flown back to Detroit because Jeremy felt he should fly back to Canada with his parents’ bodies. It didn’t feel right leaving them to fly alone. They’d arrived at the airport the required six hours prior to their scheduled flight. They’d presented the required certified documentation and accompanying letters confirming their cargo with Air Canada, whose compassionate service had made everything as easy as it could be for Jeremy. He’d said thank you about three hundred times already and received the same, sad smile from every member of staff. The consulate had been equally as helpful. With so much red tape transporting remains internationally, he had been overwhelmed. But Cindy’s colleague, and their contact at the consulate had all helped to make things as smooth sailing as possible.
Jeremy knew they’d gotten lucky, with over fifty people killed that night, he could have been waiting up to two months to claim his parents and take them home. But they’d been the first processed and released and as he sat staring out over Detroit city as the plane took off to bring his parents to their final resting place, a feeling of obligation tugged at his heart. He’d contemplated dropping out of the University of Huntsville Alabama and transferring to Toronto, to be closer to his parents. But after having read their last will and testament and seeing that they wanted to be cremated and interred, he had, instead, decided to have a memorial card made from their ashes so he could keep it with him in Alabama while they remained interred in Canada. Cindy’s legal experience and efficiency every step of the way had ensured there wasn’t a single delay at any stage of the process, she knew he wanted to take them home as quickly and easily as possible.
He closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose. The last two weeks had been difficult, to say the least. He’d found himself pushing himself harder across the board, and he was dog-tired as a result. He trained harder and more frequently at the gym, he immersed himself in assignments and he tried to block out the pain and noise in his mind by focusing on things he could control. He’d seen Jess every night since he got back, too, though she’d finally called time on the eighth night asking for a time out. She claimed he’d broken her va-jay-jay with all the sexing and she needed a night to recoup. He flexed his jaw, reminding himself to unclench, he’d had a constant headache since the night of the shooting and Tylenol just wasn’t cutting it.
“You holding up, alright?” AJ’s voice interrupted his thoughts.
He nodded. “Yeah, just running through everything in my head… again.”
“I figured. The funeral home will take care of most things from the minute we land. I know I sound like a broken record, but please try to relax.”
Jeremy nodded again. He’d owe AJ for the rest of his life for how great he’d been over the past weeks. He hadn’t left his side for longer than his six hour sleep every night and even then, he’d slept in a chair in Jeremy’s room that first night they got back and then on a mattress on his floor for the first few nights, just to make sure he was ok. At first, he’d planned an incredibly small funeral service at the crematorium. AJ, Cindy, Art, Ana were the only people he had asked to attend at first, but Blake and Chris had asked if they could come up and represent the team and be there for Jeremy and pay their respects. Then a few people from his parents’ neighborhood and some of those from the homeless shelter his mom volunteered at asked if they could come, and a few of their work colleagues as well. He’d been touched by their offer and couldn’t think of an appropriate enough reason to say no to such a kind gesture, so he’d agreed. There’d be an intimate service at the church he’d attended since he was little, and then he and the Williams’ would travel to the crematorium for the cremation. They’d already flown to Canada and had settled into an Airbnb not too far from his parents’ house.
Jeremy had made the decision to leave sorting through his parents’ things ‘til the summertime, after the semester finished and he had the time to dedicate to doing what needed to be done. AJ had already informed him he wasn’t letting him go alone and considering he didn’t want to; Jeremy didn’t protest.
***
The following morning, he dragged himself out of bed. He couldn’t bear to stay in his parents’ house, yet he couldn’t bring himself to go anywhere else, either. He shoved down the building emotion in his chest and invited AJ’s family to stay in their two guest bedrooms so he wasn’t alone. Everything felt like it was in slow motion. He showered, ate breakfast and dressed in his best game-night suit. He stared at himself in the mirror for far too long, trying to convince himself that he was about to attend someone else’s parents’ funeral and not his own. But no matter how hard he tried, or how long he stared, he couldn’t. From the moment he knew his parents had died there had been a deep and weighty emptiness inside of him that he hadn’t been able to fill. No matter what he tried, he couldn’t even distract himself from it, let alone fill it.
He had no idea how he was going to lay his parents to rest though he’d never been more relieved that they didn’t come from a large family. The idea of holding a big, church funeral in front of extended family and friends made him wince. This was going to be hard enough. With the help of their priest, Father McManus, he had come up with a short service, he wasn’t even eulogizing his parents, he couldn’t trust himself to speak in front of anyone. He’d picked his mother’s favorite hymns for the service: On Eagle’s Wings and Here I Am, Lord, Father McManus had asked a member of the choir who played the harp to come and provide the music and sing. Ana was going to read a poem he’d remembered hearing at his grandmother’s funeral. The song he’d picked for the coffins being brought into the crematorium was Satisfaction by the Rolling Stones, his dad’s favorite band. The song he’d picked for when the curtains closed and everyone left the building was Miss You, also by the Rolling Stones. He knew it was going to be an impossibly difficult hour of his life and no amount of preparing or stalling would help. He had to face it head on and hope he made it out the other side in one piece.<
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They walked the same route to the church that he and his parents had always taken, though he’d never walked it without them. His chest tightened as he stopped at the foot of the steps and looked up at the cross outside. He felt anger bubbling deep inside of him, though he knew this wasn’t the time or place to have a screaming match with God.
As he sat in the pew with a small group of people who cared about his parents sitting behind him, he felt vulnerable and on display. Even though they couldn’t see his face, he felt their attention on him, even if they weren’t paying him the slightest bit of attention, he was convinced they were. He took comfort in the fact he was sitting between AJ and Cindy. They each held one of his hands and as they’d entered the church, Ana had given his arm a comforting squeeze of reassurance. He felt loved, he felt surrounded by people who cared about him and his family, and yet, at the same time, he’d never felt more alone. He felt abandoned by his parents, by his God, and even by his estranged brother. He’d never before felt so alone while surrounded by such love before and the feeling didn’t sit well with him. He shrugged off his jacket and tugged his tie a little looser so he could at least convince himself that he was breathing easier. He hung his head in his hands and closed his eyes while Father McManus began the service. He tried to sing On Eagle’s Wings with the harpist but his voice cracked and the tears prevented him from speaking, and as he stared at the pictures of his parents sitting next to their casket’s he pleaded with his parents to forgive him.
He blamed himself for their death, something he hadn’t told anyone, not even AJ. He had been the one to buy those tickets, it was his fault they were in Detroit and in the path of the gunman. As the priest read their eulogies, he silently begged for them to forgive him for buying them such a fatal gift.
As the harpist played and sang ‘Here I am, Lord,’ his pain intensified and his shoulders shook as he sobbed. Try as he might, there was no fighting the crashing waves of grief that accompanied saying a final goodbye to his parents. AJ’s hand clutched his hand tighter, while Cindy slipped her arm around his shoulders and pulled him towards her, holding him close. He found himself wishing that he could hug his mom just one last time, that he could smell her perfume and soap, just one last time. That he could study their faces and commit every nuance to memory. Fear tore through him like a wildfire. What if he forgot how their voices sounded? What if he forgot their quirks and phrases or the funny things they did? What if he forgot that his dad drove his mom crazy every day by turning the TV up too loudly, or that his mom laid out his dad’s clothes every night before bed? What if his children asked him about his parents some day and he couldn’t answer because he forgot the finer details of what differentiated them from any other person in the world and made them his parents? His mind whirred with fear, panic and anger at himself. How could you possibly forget the sound of your own parents’ voices? Or even think about forgetting their sounds and smells or the little things they did for you that made them so special? He felt like a complete failure as a son. His mind buzzed with things he could or should have done better, regret crippled him as he wanted so badly to take back his year abroad and spend it with them before they died. He felt sick.
He thought he’d shed the last of his tears until Ana stood up to read the poem he’d chosen and he found fresh, hot tears pouring quickly down his face as she spoke.
“I’d like to end with an anonymous poem that Jeremy selected.”
They say there is a reason,
They say that time will heal,
But neither time nor reason will change the way I feel,
For no one knows the heartache,
That lies behind our smiles,
No-one knows how many times we’ve broken down and cried,
We want to tell you something
So there won’t be any doubt,
You’re so wonderful to think of,
But so hard to be without.
When the poem was finished, Ana made her way back to the pew. Jeremy slipped his jacket back on and stood up as the priest made his way to the coffins to bless them and leave the church. Jeremy walked between the coffins with a hand on each of them, tears coursing heavily down his cheeks. As he stepped outside into the frigid air, he closed his eyes for a moment and breathed deeply. It didn’t take him long to realize that his role in an official capacity wasn’t yet over.
The small group of people had started to trickle out from the church and were forming a line to pay their respects. AJ and his family stood slightly behind him, close enough to step in if need be, but far enough away to let him handle things himself should he want to. AJ gripped his shoulder tightly as he walked past to stand behind him.
By the time he’d finished shaking hands and getting hugs from people his body felt heavy and slow as though all of his energy had been sucked from him. Ana hooked elbows with him and led him back to the house to pick up the car to drive to the crematorium behind the funeral car.
“I’m not sure I would have survived this without you guys,” he said quietly, as they rode in silence in the entourage. “I’ll never be able to thank y’all for everything you’ve done.”
“You don’t ever have to thank us, Jeremy. You’ve been part of our family from the minute you walked into AJ’s life and you always will be,” Cindy answered without hesitation.
Words failed him once again and he turned to stare out the window at the world passing by.
Death is so friggin’ weird. My life has been completely destroyed in an instant and yet so many other people just go about their lives like nothing ever happened. My sky is falling! My earth has stopped spinning and you’re all just behaving like the world hasn’t just lost two of the best people in it.
He held it together during the brief service at the crematorium, until he stood over the coffins running his fingers over the nameplates and wondering how he was supposed to wake up tomorrow and move on with his life.
As the curtains closed and the opening bars of Miss You played throughout the crematorium, he looked helplessly at Cindy, willing her to have the answer, willing her to tell him something parental that would comfort him and make him feel better.
“I wish I could tell you this will get easier,” she said, as she held him tightly against her in what felt like the eleventy billionth hug since his parents had died. “But it’s going to hurt like this, it’s going to feel this raw for a very, very long time.” She sniffed and he suspected she was crying with him. “My mom died about ten years ago, now, and I still miss her every day. I still find myself picking up the phone to call her, and I still feel that gaping hole in my chest where they belong. We just get better at coping with it. Please don’t suffer alone, Jer, ok? Please? Things will be hard for a while. Some days they’ll feel pretty impossible, but on those days, you call me, ok? I might not be your mom or dad, nor would I ever want to replace them, but I’m here, I care and I can give you a safe place to grieve when you need it.”
He nodded against her shoulder and wrapped his arms around her, crying harder. He was convinced he would never again live another second where he didn’t feel as though he was dying inside, and he had no idea how to face the rest of his life feeling that way, either.
Chapter 27
Back at his parents’ house after the funeral, Jeremy kicked off his dress shoes and changed into something more comfortable. As he looked around his bedroom, he realized that he’d have to look into his parents’ wills in more detail to see what they wanted him to do with the house. His stomach fell at the idea that he’d have to sell it, and he resolved to do whatever he could to ensure he got to keep it.
Making his way downstairs he bumped into Cindy, Chris and Blake arriving back with bags of food from the local mom and pop restaurant. “I was going to cook,” she explained. “But…” she trailed off.
“It’s ok, I understand and I appreciate you being so thoughtful. I’m not sure I’m ready to have another mom cooking in that kitchen,” he added quietly.
Jer chewed the inside of his cheek and nodded, demanding that the threatening tears he felt prickling stay where they were. He shook his head as though to clear the impending tears, swallowed down the lump in his throat and offered to help carry the bags of food she and the others were holding.
“What’s that smell?” AJ asked, as he came out of the living room to find the group standing around with bags.
“Chow time,” Jeremy grinned, pointing to the dining room with his chin. “Let’s eat while it’s still hot and can someone remind me to send Maeve some flowers for all this food?”
The lump was back in his throat as he pulled out cartons and tubs of food from the bags and laid them out on the counter. Maeve and Chuck had sent enough food to feed everyone, for days, and they’d included a giant tub of his mom’s favorite chicken enchilada soup. This was his life now. In the weeks following his parents’ death he had become acutely aware of every little nuance of their lives. When he smelled something, or heard something familiar that reminded him of his parents, his chest constricted and his mouth turned dry. He’d picked up the phone countless times and either texted or called them, he’d listened to their voicemails just to hear their voices and he’d cried into his pillow in the middle of the night.
This was his life now.
Trying to piece together what was left of his life and find a way through the fog of grief. The local community had raised over $1,500 and counting for the homeless shelter his mom volunteered at when Jeremy asked for donations in lieu of flowers. He knew she would have liked that, something good and hopeful coming out of something so tragic. He’d been followed on campus by reporters wanting ‘his side’ of the story. He had no idea how they’d found him, but despite repeated requests for them to leave him alone, campus security had to get involved and escort them outside the grounds. It took a week, but eventually they gave up and he thought he was free of their annoyance. Then the phone calls started. Reporters still wanted him to give an interview about his parents’ deaths, and he had broken his phone when he hung up on them in a rage and flung his phone at the wall. He’d told the reporters that this wasn’t a front-page headline to him, it was his parents, his family, his whole world. They were real people, good people and now they were gone because of a senseless act of violence. He didn’t want to sensationalize that. He didn’t want to talk about his feelings. The whole country knew about the shooting and no amount of newspaper articles about it would change that fact, or even stop the next one. “There’s always going to be another crazy person fueled by hatred out there doing harm,” he’d said. The next day, his quote was the headline on the cover of a national newspaper next to his picture and a piece about Jeremy, the orphan boy. He’d seen red. He’d punched the wall, though luckily hadn’t broken anything. Sitting in his mother’s kitchen eating her favorite soup, the draw of ‘home’ felt strong, though he knew if he moved back to Canada to live in his parents’ house, it would hurt even more than trying to push forward and follow his dreams. He also knew, deep down, that his parents wouldn’t want him to stop his own life to come back to their house and mourn his life away, no matter how tempting it might be.
Four Letter Feelings (The Jeremy Lewis Series Book 1) Page 17