Four Letter Feelings (The Jeremy Lewis Series Book 1)
Page 23
I’m known for facing the hard shit head-on and battling with it until it comes out on the page, and when I started writing this book where I did, I clearly decided that this one will be no different. And when I remind myself of this fact, when I remind myself that my subconscious deliberately picked this point in Jeremy’s life to start because of the hardships he faces, I feel a little bit better about the literary hurdles that remain in front of me. I feel better because this tells me that at some point, I felt as though I was ready to write about losing my dad and my suicide attempt. At some point, I felt as though it was something I needed to share with everyone in case they need to read about it, too, so they don’t feel quite so alone and scared or overwhelmed. At some point, I felt strong enough to confront my inner demons and cry it out. At some point, I felt that it would be cathartic to share how I felt and how I dealt with issues that society still doesn’t have a good handle on, because that’s who I am and it’s what I do.
I will finish this book and I will do myself and this character justice, because I’m not sure I know how to do anything else and I don’t think I could face myself in the mirror every day if I didn’t give Jeremy the story he deserved – something I know my author friends will relate to. We write these stories because we have to, because if we don’t, they’ll eat us up inside and because in many cases they just need told, no matter how messy they get.
So here it is, in all of its messy, clusterfuck glory and if you’ve ever been where Jeremy or AJ was, know that you’re not alone. I am there, too, and you will get through it.
Author Note II
So, it’s done. The first draft is written and I feel like I’ve been through the wringer – both emotionally, and physically. I feel exhausted, exposed, vulnerable and raw. I feel as though I word-vomited right from the depths of my grief-stricken soul right onto the page, and I know that once my Frienditor, Cassie, gets her hands around this one that she’s going to make me dig even deeper to make it even harder (I obviously mean better) until I cross the final finish line with this novel.
Y’all know I don’t hold back in my books, and this one was no different, in fact, I’m pretty sure I gave more of myself to it than any of my previous books. It was hard. I almost quit. I almost deleted the manuscript and left AJ and Lisa to their HEA. I almost didn’t give Jeremy a place for his own voice at all. I came so close to saying, ‘No, my readers will just have to make up Jeremy’s story in their heads’ – until I realized he deserved more. From the very beginning of my stories (and even beyond), Jeremy (or rather my dear real-life friend whom this character is based on) has always believed in me. In fact, from the moment I met him, he’s believed in me even more than I believe in myself – AJ too – and as such, I felt I needed to channel their belief in me and just give Jeremy his own damn book. (Of course it had nothing to do with his, or my readers nagging me to write it!)
Losing my dad in November 2019 has affected me pretty deeply (understandably and expectedly so) and it’s been interesting to see how the people around me have been reacting to my grief while I feel like I’m drowning in it. When it came time to start writing Jeremy’s story, it felt right to start at the beginning of his friendship with AJ despite the fact I’d have to write the traumatic loss of his parents. Losing a parent is hard, it’s life altering and it’s something I’ll carry with me forever. I’m only a few months down the line, I had my dad for thirty-four and a half years of my life and now he’s gone. We knew he was sick, but in the end it’s still a shock. It’s always a shock, I feel like there’s a part of us that always hopes against hope that our loved ones can conquer death. Or that this time will be different. Or that there’ll be a medical miracle and they’ll be spared. I miss him. The details of Jeremy’s parents’ funeral are titbits from my dad’s funeral, right down to the music selection and watching my brother standing over the coffin tracing the nameplate on the wooden box. I wanted to share my experiences, to show people who feel they are alone in the overwhelming and all-consuming blanket of life-altering grief that you aren’t alone. Same goes for those of you who might be suicidal, depressed or have friends who self-harm, you aren’t alone either. Even if it may feel like it.
I guess part of me had hoped that through writing this book it would bring some kind of catharsis and healing and while it did release a huge build-up of tears and grief, I’d denied myself from feeling, it didn’t cure me. Because, my dear reader, there is no cure for grief and anyone who tells you otherwise is flat out lying.
You get up, you face each day with the knowledge that someone you loved is gone and you do your best.
Be kind to yourself. Show yourself grace and remind yourself that you are enough.
Acknowledgements
I feel like these acknowledgements are kind of two fold, because not only am I thanking people for whatever part they played in helping me with this book, but I’m also thanking them for helping me get my ass through the Coronapocalypse, which has undoubtedly in many ways been far more difficult than writing a book.
2020 has been such a strange year, and while I’m writing these acknowledgements (June) we are still in pretty strict lockdown in the UK. As of tomorrow, we can see our friends and family outside, at a distance of two meters but we still can’t hug them. I’m a hugger. I am impatiently waiting for that announcement that says ‘Ding, Dong, Covid is gone. Go hug your peeps, y’all.’ (ʼCause we know that’s exactly what the official announcement will say.)
Lewis, my 6-year-old has been my beacon of hope and light this year. He’s struggled with being apart from his friends, family, school, but he keeps on keepin’ on and I’m so very proud of the strength and tenacity he’d demonstrated since this whole thing started. Thank you for the eleventy billion cuddles and teaching me about patience. I’m so very sorry there are things I can’t protect you from in this world and while there are things I’d love to shield you from, like grief, there are others I want you to learn about and fight for, like the rights of the LGBTQ+ community and like the rights of the Black community because in this house, we love everyone equally. I see this reflected in you every day and the world needs you to go out and spread that love far and wide.
Liz, were it not for your daily check-ins and demands to see what I’ve been eating and to know what I’m up to, I’d probably not have eaten, or have done anything – more often than I’d care to admit. Thank you for persisting, even on the days I seemed off, or not myself, those were the days I needed you most and I’ve never been more grateful to you for being the friend I needed you to be.
Heather, if it weren’t for your smiling (socially-distanced) face during this pandemic, I’d have long since lost my shit. Thank you for helping me keep my shit together, for chatting to me when I randomly turn up at your door step needing a head shower and not least of all for bringing me gin and flowers when I had a particularly crappy week. I loved our weekly breakfasts before ‘this’, but I’m going to appreciate them even more when they’re reinstated. I’m so glad we are friends.
Clare, I know I haven’t known you all that long, but in Corona years, we’ve basically been friends for decades. You’re stuck with me now. Thank you for the encouragement, support, coaxing and occasional bribery to get me through this book and being so abso-friggin-lutely chuffed for me when day I finished it. My day isn’t complete if I don’t check in with you and what my favorite stationery junkie is up to, but also you being there for me when I was in the depths of my grief and despair writing this – reminding me that I could step away if I needed to – made a world of difference and I appreciate you.
Josie, I’ve started calling you my author guidance counsellor. You are incredibly good at what you do and without you, I’d probably be under my bed being beaten by my imposter syndrome. Thank you. Thank you for being such a great friend, for not letting me believe for even one second that I am less than what I am, or that I can’t do something. Your unwavering belief in me, makes it easy to feel like I can’t fail, because wi
th friends like you behind me, I truly can’t.
Amber, you’ve been my best friend for almost fifteen years and this year has probably been our hardest to date. We’ve both been going through things, we’ve both been working on our own things, and we are stuck in the longest period of not-seeing-each-other-in-person that we’ve ever had. Ever. It sucks, it hurts, and I spend an embarrassing amount of time pushing you away and telling you I’m fine, and in the next breath telling you that I need you and I’m not fine. Thank you for not giving up on me, or our friendship, even when I’m a royal PITA. Thank you for reminding me you love me and the world needs me, because some days I really need to hear it. I can’t wait to see you when this is all over.
My frienditor, Cassie, I know I’ve been needy lately and higher maintenance than usual. Thanks for not smacking me upside the head and telling me to put my big girl pants on, I appreciate it. Every book I say, ‘I can’t do this’, and every book you tell me I can and I will. I lucked out on Frienditors when I found you and I appreciate you – even if I don’t always say it. You da bestest!
To my lovely readers in my reader group, all my friends at the ASJ TOTT group, and my readers all around the world, I can’t thank you all enough for your support and encouragement. Knowing the excitement y’all feel when I announce a new release date and how you all dive straight in and don’t sleep ‘til you’ve read the book, it means the world to me. The reviews, the Facebook shares, buying copies for gifts for friends and family – every little thing y’all do, every message of support, every share on social media – it’s all amazing and truly appreciated. Thank you!
Keeping in touch with the Author
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ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Lasairiona McMaster grew up dreaming of an exciting life abroad, and, after graduating from Queens University, Belfast, that is exactly what she did - with her then-boyfriend, now husband of almost ten years. Having recently repatriated to Northern Ireland after a decade abroad spanned over two countries (seven and a half years in America and eighteen months in India), she now finds herself 'home', with itchy feet and dreams of her next expatriation. With a penchant for both travelling, and writing, she started a blog during her first relocation to Houston, Texas and, since repatriating to Northern Ireland, has decided to do as everyone has been telling her to do for years, and finally pen a book (or two) and get published while she tries to adjust to the people and place she left ten years ago, where nothing looks the same as it did when she left.
Connect with her on social media Facebook, Instagram and Twitter: @QueenofFireLas