I kiss the wetness on her cheeks. “I’m not making the same mistake again. I love you, Lo. I love you, and I want you, and I will wait for however long you take to be okay with that, but mark my words, I am going nowhere. I won’t lose you again. I can’t lose you again. And more than that, I won’t ever fail you again. I will never, ever, let you down again. That is a promise I will take to the grave.”
CHAPTER 21
Harlow
I CLING TO him, pressing my body flush against his, and I never want to let go. Holding Theo like this brings back a host of memories.
Mostly good.
Some not so much.
I can’t stop crying, and it hasn’t escaped my notice that, after all these years, Theo is the one to crack through my veneer. I don’t know why I’m all that surprised. Theo is the only one I have ever been able to open up to. He knows some of my deepest, darkest secrets, like I know his.
But this.
This has thrown me for a loop.
His admission, his profession of love, has burrowed through the walls I’ve built around my heart. They were already wobbling, weakened by the strength of my growing feelings for these guys.
But this revelation is everything.
Everything.
Theo’s hard underneath me, not that I need it to prove his words. Theo wouldn’t lie to me about something like this.
We dated for roughly a year, from the time I was fourteen and a half to fifteen and a half, and that whole time, I believed he was gay. He was so troubled and upset over it, and together we found a safe place to explore our sexual desires. We watched gay porn together, and he shared some of his fantasies with me. I used sex toys on him, and my fingers, and while I was never the right sex, we derived great pleasure from one another.
At a time when we were both confused, alone, and struggling to make our way in this sick world, we found a way to comfort one another. We lost our virginity to one another, and he took my anal virginity too. In fact, a lot of times we fucked, he took me from behind, and I always believed he imagined I was some guy. I didn’t care at first, because I was enjoying it too much for it to matter. But after a while, it started upsetting me because I wanted him to want me for me.
Now, I’m rethinking everything, and my head and my heart are on overload. It’s no wonder my emotional dam broke and I’m crying.
Because the connection I share with Theo is way more than sex. He was my best friend. The person I told everything to. We shared our dreams and aspirations for the future and made plans to always be in each other’s lives. Which is why it hurt so much when he cut all contact dead after our parents’ relationship imploded.
It was as if I hadn’t mattered.
Like everything was a lie.
And I had been convenient and an outlet for channeling his hidden desires.
But he was holding out on me. Not admitting his feelings were real. Can I blame him for that? Especially when I held a part of myself back too? Afraid to tell him for fear of rejection. And I never disclosed the snooping I did for The Sainthood because I was ashamed, and I didn’t want him thinking less of me.
“Why didn’t you attempt to explain it?” I ask. “If I’d had one letter or a text, just something to make sense of it instead of cutting me off dead like that. You almost broke me for good.”
“I wanted to,” he admits, clasping my face in his hands and peering deep into my eyes. “But I couldn’t find the right words. And I convinced myself you were better off without me.”
“Not knowing tore me apart. I blamed myself for all the things I could’ve done differently.”
He wraps his arms tightly around me, dotting kisses into my hair. “I’m so sorry, Lo. You deserved better, and if I could go back, I’d do it all differently.”
We have both made mistakes. We were kids, and he was doing what he thought was the best thing for me, no matter how misguided and flawed his decision-making process was.
I’ve been keeping him at arm’s length to protect my heart, but all I’ve done is waste more precious time.
That ends now.
“Theo.” I lift my face, grab fistfuls of his hair, and yank his head back. “I forgive you, and I want to leave the past in the past and start over.”
“Nothing would make me happier.”
“Make love to me,” I say, rocking my hips gently against his erection. “I need you.”
“It would be my pleasure. I love you, Harlow Westbrook,” he says, stripping my hoodie and tank top off me and throwing them aside. “I love you so fucking much.” He unclasps my bra, letting it slide down my arms as he sucks one puckered nipple into his mouth, pulling on it hard. His fingers roll my other nipple, playfully teasing my sensitive flesh, and his familiar touch is a lot like coming home after an extended vacation.
I throw my head back, whimpering. It’s as if all the nerve endings in my body are on one continuous loop, because every time he touches my nipples with his mouth or his expert fingers, a shot of liquid lust darts straight to my pussy, drenching me in desire.
We stand, slowly undressing one another, as our lips collide in a slew of unhurried kisses. When we’re naked, we fall against one another, and he angles his head, taking our kiss deeper, until I’m swimming in euphoria, bathing in bliss, my body, heart, and soul claimed anew.
He lays me down on the couch and parts my legs, sliding two fingers inside me. I grab his head down to mine, kissing him deeply as he finger-fucks me in slow, precise movements planned to take me to a pinnacle where heaven waits. His fingers work my pussy perfectly. He remembers exactly how I like to be touched, and I feel his careful caresses soul deep, in a place I’ve only ever reserved for him.
When I shatter, it’s a languid, lazy kind of bliss but one I feel all the way to the tips of my toes. Wasting no more time, Theo slides inside my pussy, and my eyes flit to his, a little surprised. Despite what he’s said, I still expected him to flip me over and fuck my ass.
He thrusts in and out of me slowly, like I might break, and it’s such a contrast to the way the other guys fuck me, but I love it every bit as much.
His eyes are endless pools of emotion as he makes love to me, never losing that intimate contact, and my heart is full to bursting point. “I can’t believe I wasted so long not enjoying it like this,” he admits, pressing a line of tender kisses along my neck. “The way you feel is indescribable, Lo, and I’ll never deprive either of us of this again.”
I drag my fingers through his hair, softly digging my nails into his scalp in a way I know he loves. “I love every way you fuck me, Theo.” I kiss him once on the lips before purposely pulling back. “I have regretted many things over the years, and cursed you more times than I can count, but I have never, ever, regretted giving you my virginity or all the ways we enjoyed our bodies. I’m confident in my sexuality because you helped me to explore it in a safe environment and you helped me learn to listen to my body.”
I run my hands up and down his back as he picks up his pace, fucking me harder. Light sweat pearls his smooth, tan skin, and I press a kiss to his collarbone. “That’s all I ever wanted for you too,” I truthfully admit. I hate that he hasn’t quite reached the same place, and I’m determined to help him find his nirvana.
“Lo.” He lifts my left leg up to his shoulder, tilting his hips and pounding into me harder. His fingers rub my clit, and I feel another orgasm climbing. “You have already given me so much.” He presses his lips to mine, swirling his tongue around my mouth, as he rocks into me, over and over, until we’re both sweating, panting, and crying out in release.
We collapse against one another, and he twists us around so we’re side to side, facing one another. He holds me close, our bodies perfectly aligned, our breathing in sync. He clasps my face, leaning down to kiss me. When the kiss ends, we smile at one another, and it’s been a long time since I’ve felt such deep-seated contentment.
My eyes flutter closed, and a yawn slips out of my mouth. “Good talk,” I whisp
er, my lips curving into a smile.
His chest rumbles in silent laughter as his warm lips press against my brow. “Sleep, my love. I’ve got you. Always.”
_______________
I stir sometime later, conscious of soft voices talking and the feel of light cotton over my skin. My cheek is pressed to Theo’s chest, and I’m comforted by the steady beat of his heart.
“You love her,” Saint says, and I squeeze my eyes tight to keep them closed.
“More than I ever realized,” Theo admits, pulling me in even closer.
“It’s good now?” Saint asks.
“Yeah. We’ve cleared the air.” Theo plants a kiss in my hair. “You okay with this?”
Silence rings out in the dark room. “Yeah, man,” he says after a few awkward beats. “Can’t promise I won’t get jealous, because she brings out a side of me I wasn’t aware I was hiding, but you’re my brother. Caz and Galen too. I don’t want to fight with any of you. You might need to be patient.”
“It’s cool, brother, and I’ll need to get used to sharing her too. Last time, she was all mine, and I know how good that feels.”
Warmth blossoms in my chest, and my heart swells.
“You need her, and she needs you too,” Saint says, and I’m so proud of him for his selflessness. “You offer her something we can’t, and we can’t be selfish. This is all about her.”
“It is,” Theo whispers. “Lo is all that matters.”
“You hear that, princess?” Saint says, and I hear the amusement lacing his tone. “You can stop pretending you’re asleep now.”
“I wasn’t pretending,” I say over a yawn. “I just didn’t want to interrupt. Seemed rude.” I open my eyes, staring into Theo’s gorgeous amber-hued gaze.
The couch dips at the end, and I glance down at Saint. He slides his hand under the cotton sheet someone draped over us, finding my feet. “It’s only three a.m. You should go back to sleep.” His warm hands rub up and down my legs.
“Come here,” I demand, not feeling sleepy anymore. “I need to kiss you.”
He gets up, dropping to his knees on the ground before me, and I twist around and kiss him. Theo stirs, and I hold on to his arm, keeping him in place. I tear my lips from Saint’s, angling around to softly kiss Theo. “Now I’ve confirmation it’s all about me,” I say, my gaze alternating between the two guys, “I’d like to make a request.” My lips kick up as Saint rolls his eyes.
“I have a feeling we’ll never hear the end of this,” Saint drawls.
“I want you both sleeping in my bed tonight.”
“Whatever you need, baby,” Theo says, kissing my cheek.
Saint stands, sliding his arms underneath my naked body, as Theo peels the cover back. Saint scoops me into his arms, and I curl into him, burying my nose in his neck, ingesting the scent that is uniquely Saint Lennox as he carries me upstairs with Theo following close behind.
_______________
“Morning.” Caz drops a kiss on the end of my nose when I amble into the kitchen the next morning. “Sleep well?” he teases.
I wink as I pour myself a cup of coffee. “I slept perfectly snuggled between Theo and Saint.”
“Someone sounds loved up.” He waggles his brows before biting into a slice of buttery toast.
“Stop giving her a hard time,” Theo says, coming up behind me and snaking his arms around my waist. “You should be pleased we’ve patched up our differences.”
“Is that what we’re calling it now?” Caz jokes. “I think your dick was still inside her when we got home.”
Theo locks up, his body tense behind me, and I draw soft circles on the back of his hand, urging him to relax.
“Stop teasing.” I pour a coffee for Theo, and he reluctantly breaks our embrace.
Saint arrives in the kitchen, yawning and scratching the back of his head. His hair is damp from the shower, and little droplets of water cling to the scruff on his cheeks. I pour him a coffee, walking toward him with a smile. I stretch up and peck his lips. “Morning, Saintly.”
“Are you ever going to quit with that Saintly shit?”
“You gonna stop calling me princess?”
A hint of a smile ghosts over his lips as he rolls his eyes.
“Do we need to stop by the house, or are we heading straight to school?” Galen asks in a clipped tone, and we all turn around. His butt is perched on the edge of the table, and his arms are softly folded across his chest. His face is a mask, hiding all emotion, but from the rigid way he’s holding himself, I can tell he’s unhappy.
“Princess, you need anything from the house?” Saint asks, maintaining eye contact with his cousin.
“Nah. I’ll manage although I should probably start keeping a bag here.”
“That’s a good idea,” Theo says, handing me a bowl of chopped fruit. It’s got a plastic lid on it, and he’s included a fork and paper towel. “For later, when you get hungry.”
My features soften. “You remember I don’t like breakfast first thing.”
He kisses me tenderly, his adoring gaze pinning me in place. “I remember everything.”
Caz snorts. “You are so fucking pussy-whipped. I can’t decide if I want to puke, laugh, or swoon.”
Theo flips him the bird, and Saint smirks.
“I’m gonna take my truck,” Galen says, striding toward the door.
“You don’t have to—”
“I want to get it thoroughly cleaned, in case there’s any trace evidence from last night,” he says, cutting across whatever Saint was about to say. “I’ll see you at school,” he adds without looking at any of us.
The door slams violently behind him, and I flinch.
“Fuck.” Saint runs a hand over his hair, his eyes finding mine.
And I know what he’s not saying.
We’re at risk of losing Galen.
He probably feels like more of an outsider now than ever.
“I’ll fix it,” I promise, feeling more charitable today. And I’m more hopeful too. I didn’t think I could repair things with Theo, but we’re on the right road, and I can’t deny how much happier it’s made me.
It’s time to repair things with Galen too. If I need to be the bigger person, I’ll do it, because this needs to happen.
Saint nods, gulping down coffee, and I see the worry building behind his eyes.
“What happened last night?” I ask. “Did you plant the remains?”
“Yeppers,” Caz says over a mouthful of toast. “And one of our guys called in an anonymous tip.”
“Cops should be crawling up Ruben’s butt right about now,” Saint says, grinning widely, showcasing a set of perfectly straight, white teeth.
“Good. Maybe, he’ll forget about murdering me for five minutes.”
“We’ll move to stage two of our plan now,” Saint says, drawing me to his side and slinging his arm around my neck. He kisses my temple. “Don’t worry about The Bulls. We’ve got it in hand. Where they’re going, they won’t be able to touch you.”
I’ll believe it when I see it.
CHAPTER 22
Harlow
BY WEDNESDAY, NEWS of Parker’s murder is all over school and splashed across the airwaves. The media speculation over Finn’s and Brooklyn’s disappearance is a bonus as they debate the possibility they’ve fled the scene of their crime.
I dump my keys on the kitchen counter when I arrive home after visiting Sariah at the hospital, rubbing my sore temples. A dull ache has taken up residence in my skull all day, and I can’t shake the sense of impending doom. Caz removes two beers from the refrigerator, handing one to me as he slings his arm around my shoulders. “You hanging in there, babe?”
I shrug, feeling sadder every day that passes when my bestie doesn’t wake up. Even news of Beth McCoy’s arrest has done little to help my depressed mood. Two other girls were arrested too, and they are all being detained for further questioning, pending assault charges.
The guys look up as our footst
eps thud on the basement stairs. Theo strides toward us, pulling me into his comforting arms when I reach the last step. “I take it there’s no change?”
I shake my head against his chest.
“Unfortunately, not,” Caz confirms. “Sean is totally messed up.”
Theo steers me to the couch, placing me beside Saint, before sitting down on my other side. I rest my head against Saint’s shoulder as his hand lands on my knee. “Do we have any clue where Finn and Brooklyn are, and should we be worried?” I ask, because right now, I need to focus on something else.
“We don’t know is the answer to both questions,” Saint admits, caressing my thigh.
“I have their images uploaded to the facial recognition software system I use, but it’s like they’ve disappeared off the face of the Earth,” Theo admits. “I’ve messaged Diesel in our private chat room to see if he can help. I don’t like not having eyes on all the moving parts.”
“He respond?” Saint asks, leaning his head back so he’s looking at Theo.
Theo shakes his head. “He’s been offline the past few days.”
“I got a message from him an hour ago,” I say. “He can meet Sunday, but he wants me to come alone.”
Saint harrumphs. “Yeah, so not happening.” He tilts my head around to his. “Tell him we all meet at the barn or we don’t meet at all.”
I press a kiss to the underside of his jaw. “Already done.”
He squeezes my thigh as a genuine smile lifts the corners of his mouth.
“What are we going to do about Taylor Tamlin?” Galen asks, sitting up straighter on the other couch.
The Sainthood : A Dark High School Romance (The Complete Series) Page 46