Pack Mentality

by Idella Breen

  That it would change everything that existed in the last moment, the last moment where Silvia thought things couldn’t get worse, where her only concern was to not speak and to be annoyed by the grating and loud voice of the other man she was sure she was about to kill, but now the current man, the one whom she knew she was going to swear her loyalty to in the next moment, well, he was whispering something to her, something that changed everything like she thought it would. So, Silvia sighed as she listened to the man whisper one word, one word that complicated her next currently, that was now the new currently, because that one word was a name. It was a name that changed everything, a name she was bound to by blood, and the name that belonged to a man she had sworn another type of loyalty to the moment he breathed his first breath. That man, was her younger brother, and his name was —

  “Nathan.”

  So, Silvia shuddered, and she accepted that all the next moments to come in her future were going to be much more complicated than the current one, and she held her hand over her heart and said,

  “I swear to thee, Art McCloud, that you have my complete loyalty. That my blood is your’s to spill, and my body in your service, and your will is now my will, and it shall be carried out until my dying breath. I swear, on my name, Silvia Cain, and on my blood, the blood from the House of Cain, and on my body, the body of the inuyoukai, and on my will now be broken to yours. Do you accept my pledge?”

  And the man, Art McCloud, stood, and he smiled, and she knew, just knew, that the truth was, that none of those moments before, or the current moments, or even the moments yet to come had really ever been easy. Silvia’s life was never easy and she lamented that it was never meant to be easy. That was simply not in the cards she was dealt. So, Art McCloud stood, and he smiled, and he raised his hands and said, “ I accept your pledge. Welcome to the McCloud Clan, Silvia Cain McCloud. Go forth and do my bidding.”

  This was the moment Silvia Cain became a McCloud, and this was the moment she sold her soul to a very ambitious man. It was also the moment Silvia saved her brother as she had been doing since the day he was born, and she would go on to do even if it meant betraying Art McCloud. Though she had sworn herself to this man, she had sworn her complete loyalty, and all that she was, and all that she was capable of becoming, to her brother and she had done that many many years ago.

  So, yes, Silvia was now a McCloud, and yes, she had been banished from the Cain household, but nothing, and no one was capable of breaking the bond she had formed with her brother. Not her father, not this man before her, and certainly not death itself. For Silvia, was one thing before she was anything or anyone else, and that thing, that very important thing that made up for all the horrible past moments, all the wretched current moments, and all the unquestionably horrid moments yet to come, and that thing was, is, an older sister. An older sister that would give anything for that small baby boy she had held in her arms, as her mother went into cardiac arrest and died on the operating table, as her baby brother wailed for a woman he would never meet, an older sister that had sworn and held true to that promise to protect him and keep him safe at all cost.

  She had lost her name for him, her birthright as alpha of their pack, she had been banished for him, and now, now she was swearing her loyalty to an ambitious man, and signing her life away to the service of another instead of trying to make something of her life, and Silvia sighed, once again, as she figured she would continue to do from this moment on, at just how complicated her life has always been, and at the fact that she was tired. Silvia was very tired, but she was more determined than tired, and that determination was focused on her loyalty to her brother.

  Even as she sighed, Silvia rose, then stood to meet the eyes of the man who now held her life in the palm of his hand. Who had given her a new name, and now for all intents and purposes, owned her. She met his eyes, and when he smiled at her, she smiled back just as fiercely, because she would be the first to admit that they were a little too similar to not completely understand one another, and she knew that he knew, that she would betray him if he ever broke his unspoken promise to protect her brother, and he knew that she knew, he would never break that promise because she was much too useful as a pawn, and much to loyal to her brother, that so long as he held her brothers life he also held her loyalty. So, they grinned at one another, and those fierce grins sent chills down the spines of all that were present at the ceremony, and Silvia thought, that this moment, her new currently, could be a lot worse.

  2

  "Mocha latte, double shot, delicious goodness in my belly!" Gwen moaned as she sipped at her drink on her way out of Starbucks. She even danced a little bit as she drank her drink.

  Sam snorted, as he drank his green tea frappuccino. It was his favorite drink, but if he was being honest, he mostly just liked the disgusted face Gwen made when he drank it.

  "It's snot, Sam! How can you drink snot!" She'd complain and he'd reply, "S'not good enough for you? What a snob!" And she'd beg him to, "Please! Stop! I can't take it anymore!"

  Sam chuckled at the memory before saying, "If you love it so much, why don't you marry it? You're making me blush with all those sounds you're making."

  Gwen slugged him in his arm making him chuckle. "Shut up! You're ruining my moment of heaven on earth."

  Sam smiled as he held the door open for her. Gwen turned around, walking out the door backward, and stuck her tongue out at him. Just as she stepped out onto the sidewalk, she managed to crash into someone. Her arms tingled as she brushed against that someone. Two female voices grunted, and Gwen quickly realized she managed to collide with two someones. How? She's not sure, because just a second ago she was sure the coast was clear. It was just her luck, really.

  "Sorry!" She yelled as she fell, her wolf instincts had her spinning to try and save her drink. A hand flew out and grasped her arm in an iron grip, stopping her inertia, but the grip on her drink loosened sending it to splatter on the concrete in some strange rendition of a bad attempt at a Pollack. Normally, Gwen would be dismayed by such an occurrence. Actually, were it to occur during her special day of the month, she would be downright furious at being denied her daily caffeine fix.

  Sam would vouch to the demon she could quickly devolve into at wasted coffee. So, imagine Sam's shock at the lack of outrage, curse words, or even a fit of incoherent crying babble about how unfair the world was. Instead, he looked up from the crime scene of coffee stains and espresso, to see Gwen with glassy eyes zeroed in on the two women currently holding one of her arms each. One was a tall woman with a painted purple stripe down each cheek, taller than Gwen by a few inches, with hair as white as snow, glacial blue eyes, and lips painted in a bold blood red that instantly drew Gwen's gaze. The other woman was a head shorter than Gwen with smokey green eyes, dark mocha skin, and black curly hair with a few strands dyed emerald green.

  "Hi," Gwen said dreamily.

  The woman, the white-haired one who was currently the only thing keeping Gwen and the green-eyed woman from a date with the concrete, simply nodded stoically and steadied both women on their feet. The green-eyed woman had at some point grabbed Gwen's arm to help steady herself better, but quickly dropped her hand, and grabbed her head as if in pain. Gwen suddenly flinched and stepped back from both of her saviors.

  "Um," Gwen stuttered as she shifted her gaze from one woman to the other. "Sorry?"

  "It's of no concern," the white-haired woman tilted her head in a slight nod, looked down at her watch, cursed before turning, and was gone in a flurry of too tight jeans and combat boots that made her ass too sinful for so early in the morning with no coffee to balance everything out. The green-eyed woman had also disappeared at some point during the interaction but Gwen could still feel the tingles on her arms from where their skin had made contact. Sam stepped forward and gently placed his hand on her shoulder. She flinched again, and stepped back, speaking quietly he asked, "Are you alright?"

  Gwen was staring down at her arms and only sh
ook her head slowly, absently, before replying, "Sorry."

  "Why?"

  "I was just reminded of something I wish would stay forgotten."

  "What?"

  She shook her head but didn't move.

  "What is it, Gwen?"

  Slowly, she looked up to meet his gaze and Sam was shocked at the grief within her's. "Gwen…" he trailed off. "What is it?"

  She spoke softly, "Sometimes I'm reminded that things will never be the same. When people die or disappear, nothing is really ever the same again. You just learn how to adapt, and adjust, and you hope that you can just make it work through sheer willpower. But Sam, when things are broken like that, you can't ever get it back."

  "Gwen, you're scaring me."

  She shook her head. "Sometimes, I scare myself."

  Sam dropped his hand from her shoulder. "Who died?"

  She was quiet again, and he shifted from foot-to-foot, his cold beverage melting in his overheated hand, and waited patiently. Finally, she answered him.

  "No one. Myself? A part of me? I think, no, I'm sure, it was a long time ago when I felt it. When it happened."

  "What?"

  She sniffed but there were no tears that he could see. "When I just stopped feeling it."

  "Feeling what?"

  Gwen met his gaze. "Love, Sam. When I stopped feeling love."

  Sam frowned. "I don't understand?"

  She shook her head. "I'm not sure how to explain."

  "Try. Please."

  She nodded and Sam pulled her in the direction they had parked. They leaned against the truck and watched the clouds flit about the sky. Sam waited. Just as a particularly large cloud drifted passed the sun, Gwen spoke.

  "You know about my parents, right?"

  "Yeah," he took a sip from his drink.

  "Do you know why they left me; abandoned me?"

  He shook his head and she looked down and scuffed her boot against the concrete. "Neither do I. I just came home one day and they were gone. Then Remus showed up and took me into his clan. But, that does something to a person. It did something to me, that day, when I walked into my childhood home, and there was nothing there. It was completely empty and my parents were just gone. Just up and left me without so much as a goodbye. Like, I was the trash they didn't have room to fit into the moving van."

  "Oh, Gwen," he sighed and reached out, wrapping his arms around her, pulling her into him tightly.

  She sighed as he held her, but still, Sam noted, there were no tears. "Have you talked to Remus about this."

  "No. And you're not going to tell him either," she mumbled against his chest.

  Sam jerked back. "Why not? He should know."

  "No, he shouldn't. Remus is enough of a control freak. He doesn't need to know this and I'll know if you tell him because you're the only other person that I've told this too."

  Sam nodded after a moment of hesitation. "Okay, okay. I won't tell him." She glared at him and he laughed. "I promise, Gwen, I won't say a word."

  "Good." She stepped back out of his arms and leaned against the cool metal of Sam's truck. She and Sam had always been close. He was a beta in training for the position of second-in-command, or as most just called it, Remus’s second. Therefore, he was usually stuck watching her, as for some extremely annoying reason the pack didn't like her to be alone, and therefore, tried to give her a bodyguard whenever they could. Usually, she could convince Remus to let Cait fill the role and then Cait was usually great enough to give her more breathing space. Sam was a compromise. Sam and she had practically grown up together after she had joined the clan and she pushed him in a mud puddle. In many ways, he was her brother, though not by blood, and the best friend every girl dreams of having. Sam, was her bromance.

  "Do you want me to buy you another coffee?"

  She shook her head, suddenly exhausted.

  "Do you want to talk about what just happened?"

  Gwen shrugged. "What's there to talk about, Sam?"

  "Did you feel something when you bumped into those two women?"

  She shrugged. Honestly, she wasn't sure what she had felt. Now though, now, she just felt an ache in her chest, but that had always been there.

  "Are you positive?"

  Her head whipped up. "What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

  He held up his hand placatingly as his other hand still gripped his drink. "Let me explain."

  Her hands settled on her hips. "Well?"

  "Hypothetically speaking, let's say that it's not love that we're talking about — "

  "But— "

  "Let me finish."

  She huffed.

  "You're trying to make the point that basically, you're broken, and therefore can't feel love anymore, right? That because you've been hurt, you're heart has become closed off and numb."

  Gwen sighed, then nodded.

  "What if we're not talking about love. You love me don't you?"

  "Well, yeah. I guess."

  "You love the pack? Cait, Snow and Elena?"

  "Yes, I love them like family."

  "Then maybe it's not love that's the problem. Maybe it's attraction that we're talking about."

  Gwen looked thoughtful. "Attraction?"

  "You want to feel attraction, right?"

  Gwen shrugged, thought for a minute, then nodded.

  "Are you sure that you don't already feel it?"

  "I don't know, Sam. Mostly, I just feel numb. Don't get me wrong. I love the clan. You guys are always important to me but I don't feel passion, lust, just, nothing. I've tried dating. You know how all of those attempts ended."

  Sam looked out at the sun. "Didn't one guy call you frigid?"

  Gwen squinted. "I think so? Didn't you track him down based on the phone number you stole from my cellphone, break into his house, then kick his ass before threatening him to never talk to or see me again or a pack of very angry werewolves would hunt him down and no one would ever find his body?"

  They were silent for a moment. "I thought I hid that better than I obviously did."

  "Eh, I just have my sources."

  "Who boasted this time?"

  "Chris was talking shit and it came up."

  "Goddammit, Chris!"

  Gwen reached over and punched his arm. "Thanks, by the way."

  He shrugged. "What are friends for?"

  "Most people would call you crazy."

  "What do you call me?"

  She hummed and folded her arms. "Like, a crazy, homicidal, older brother that pretends to be my father sometimes and really annoys me."

  "All in a days work, I suppose."

  Gwen chuckled.

  He took another drink. "Do you think you're asexual?"

  Gwen frowned. "Asexual? I'm not entirely sure what that means."

  Sam took a sip of his drink and they were quiet for a moment. "Well, I'm not too sure about it myself but I get the feeling it's on a spectrum so it means something different from person to person. Asexual can mean a lot of things, but I think the most general idea is that it has to do with having a distinction of the difference between intimacy and sex. Like, you like to be intimate but that isn't intrinsically connected to having sex with someone. You know Jeremiah?"

  "From the pack? Yeah."

  "He says he's demisexual."

  "What does that mean?"

  "Well, his partner, Dan, yeah, that's it for him. His one and only attraction. He told me once that it just clicked. A love-at-first-sight kind of thing. Before Dan, no one did it for him."

  "So what am I?"

  Sam shrugged. "Only you can decide that. Labels are mostly just a place to start when you try to explain and educate others about yourself. You don't have to fit into them one hundred percent. They just help you make sense of yourself and to help others get an idea of how to understand you. Have you ever felt attracted to anyone? Even before your parents left?"

  Gwen thought for a moment then shook her head. "I was young when they left but even back
then romance was always the last thing on my mind."

  "Then maybe you've just always been this way and when they hurt you it was natural to assume that it may have caused you to struggle to connect with people."

  "Maybe."

  "Do you think that if you met your soulmate, you would know? Would it bring back the attraction?"

  She shrugged. "I'm not sure. I'm pretty numb about it all.

  "What if, even after touching them, it still took time for the connection to link up again? What if you touched your soulmate but you didn't recognize them as such until the connection had time to warm up. Like a car on a cold day. You have to let it idle for a minute, to let the engine heat up so that it doesn't seize up on you or sputter out, before taking off with your crazy driving."

  She slapped him in the arm as they climbed into the truck. Gwen was quiet until they were in the truck, then she turned to him. "So how will I ever know?"

  Sam frowned. "Luck, I guess."

  "Sam?"

  "Yeah?"

  "Most of the time, I think you're an idiot — "

  "Hey — "

  "And then you go an give these hypothetical situations and I secretly think you might be a genius that just built too much muscle that it suffocates your brain most of the time."

  "Uh, thanks, I think?"

  She reached over and patted his cheek affectionally as he turned on the engine. She pinched it for good measure and he frowned. "Thank you."