Tales of the Tarantula

by Frank Terranella

  Yes, weather is vertical out West and that’s a foreign mindset for many of us. But experiencing the foreign is why we travel. And it’s usually a lot of fun!

  Phoenix sunshine makes it ideal for retirement

  May 2014

  Several years ago, I saw a cartoon showing a man at the gates of hell. Satan is there is all his horned glory sitting behind a desk and before him is a man who has obviously just arrived. Sweat is pouring off the man’s head as he wipes his brow with a concerned look on his face. Satan is speaking to the man. The cartoon’s caption reads: “Yes, but it’s a dry heat.”

  On my recent trip to the Southwest desert I was able to experience this dry heat for three full weeks. And after all that time, I have to say that there’s something to this retort by residents of Arizona, Nevada and New Mexico when asked how they can stand triple digit temperatures for weeks at a time. Of course, traveling in April and May, I did not get to experience 100-degree days. The hottest it got in Phoenix while I was there was 98, but a few degrees don’t matter too much when you’re baking in an oven.

  So what’s the difference between 98 degrees in Phoenix and 98 degrees in New York? You can breathe in Phoenix. It’s as simple as that. Breathing on a hot August night in New York is like drinking a thick shake through a narrow straw. It takes effort. Breathing hot air in Arizona takes no effort at all.

  The other advantage of low humidity is the fact that shade brings instant relief from the heat. I didn’t bring a thermometer too measure it, but I swear it felt like a 20-degree difference. The low humidity also means that due to radiational cooling, the temperature drops like rock as soon as the sun goes down. Our days began in the 50s and rapidly increased, but the mornings were always delightful. Likewise, the evenings were comfortable enough to sit outside and dine al fresco.

  Having said all this, it is a fact that modern life would be unimaginable in Phoenix without air conditioning. The afternoon heat seems intense enough to bake bread. Air conditioning is not a convenience; it’s life support. The evidence of this is that in 1950, only 107,000 hardy souls lived in Phoenix. Once air conditioning became practical, the people came. By 1960 there were 440,000. As of 2012, there were 1.5 million.

  And people are still coming. Why? One word – sunshine. We were in the Southwest for 20 days and had 19 days of sunshine. Those are pretty good odds. On average, Phoenix gets 296 days of sunshine every year and just 8 inches of rain. By contrast, New York averages 50 inches of rain. Even Los Angeles averages 15 inches of rain a year. So if you want to wake up every day to sunshine, Phoenix is the place.

  And in fact, thousands of Americans retire to Arizona every year. The famous retirement village Sun City is just outside Phoenix. Everywhere we went we met former New Yorkers who had retired to Arizona. I don’t think I would want to go that far, but if I could swing it, I certainly would love to spend my retirement winters there. Sure it’s hot, but it’s a dry heat!

  Of aliens, caves and missile testing –

  The Roswell Triangle

  May 2014

  My recent Southwest tour completed my goal of visiting all 48 contiguous states. In fact, it included standing at Four Corners, where Arizona, Colorado, Utah and New Mexico all come together. Since we had already visited the first three of those on previous trips, it was the visit to New Mexico that was key.

  Carlsbad Caverns, White Sands National Park and Roswell, N.M.

  After Four Corners, we spent a week touring New Mexico. Northern New Mexico was very artsy and high class with art museums, old Spanish churches and great restaurants. But it was Southern New Mexico that was the most surprising. The Land of Enchantment tended toward the bizarre as we pulled into Roswell.

  This is the town outside of which an alien spaceship is said to have landed in 1947. The U.S. Government is alleged to have covered up the incident and there is a UFO Museum in Roswell where they lay out the evidence. The thing about this is that even though most Roswell residents probably don’t believe that any aliens ever landed there, they have run with it and created a tourist destination for themselves. You have to hand it to them. Their tongue-in-cheek exploitation of fringe beliefs is just genius. Everyone is aboard for the fun. Even McDonald’s features alien burgers.

  Then, a few miles south of Roswell is the second point on the Roswell Triangle – Carlsbad. The fun here begins with an elevator ride that takes you 700 feet below the surface. There you find an alien landscape of stalagmites and stalactites. Carlsbad Caverns is an enormous underground wonderland of beautiful rocks that creates a landscape that would make any Roswell alien feel at home. The underground pathways run for more than a mile and the temperature is always in the 50s (even when the temperature at the surface is in the 90s).

  From Carlsbad you can complete the triangle with a trip to White Sands National Monument. This is where the government tests missiles. They even have a sign that tells you that when the red light is on, missile testing is scheduled and you can’t come in. But when they’re not testing missiles, this is a must-see location.

  The place looks like a scene out of Lawrence of Arabia. There’s white sand everywhere! I think that standing in the White Sands park is the closest we can come to being in the middle of the Sahara. It is nothing but miles and miles of white sand in every direction as far as the eye can see – even on the road! I guess that’s why they test missiles there. You certainly couldn’t hurt anything and it’s easy to find the debris. It’s another unique, alien landscape.

  I recommend that everyone experience the wonders of the Roswell Triangle. You could easily visit all three in a day and you will be rewarded with a trip to alien worlds. It’s a break from more familiar cityscapes of Albuquerque and Santa Fe and it provide sights that will stay with you forever.

  If only I could take a nap

  May 2014

  Most of the people I know who are over 80 take naps every day. That’s something those of us over 50 but still working don’t have the luxury to do. Although I don’t usually nap even on days off, I think that one of the benefits of retirement for me will be the ability take an afternoon nap if I want to.

  It used to be part of the culture in Europe. I remember being in Europe back in 1972 and being amazed that many businesses shut down for lunch and an afternoon siesta. This was especially true in the warmer Mediterranean countries. Now, due to our pernicious example, many Europeans have adopted American working habits. But there’s a lot to be said for recharging the batteries and avoiding the midday sun.

  While I don’t get to nap in the afternoon, my commuting does have the advantage of giving me at least 30 minutes of nap-available time on my bus trip home. I take advantage of that opportunity fairly often. To me, that’s one of the prime benefits of using mass transit. Before I started working in Manhattan, I commuted to various New Jersey locations by car every day. Many were the days when the commute was more tiring than the job. Now, in exchange for a monthly payment to New Jersey Transit, I get to leave the driving to someone else and take a nap.

  I find that when I get a chance to take a nap on the commute home, I feel refreshed for my evening. But when I don’t, I often find my eyes closing as I watch television after about 9:30. On those days, it’s bed by 10:00. I recognize this as a result of age because I never had trouble staying awake before I hit 50.

  The other change in my sleeping patterns that has emerged since I turned 50 is that I awake at sunrise no matter whether it’s a work day or not. Years ago I could just turn over and go back to sleep. But now I find I am physically uncomfortable staying in bed. So even on vacation I was up at 6 and in bed by 10.

  Apart from the issue of sleep is the fact that in recent years I find that whenever I sit in a darkened room my eyes close, even if that darkened room happens to be a movie house or a Broadway theater. Billy Crystal speaks elegantly of this phenomenon in his book, Still Foolin’ ‘Em. In his case, it’s particularly embarrassing because people recognize him as he nods
off at a Broadway show. For me, at least there’s the anonymity of just being that old person nodding off. But this nodding off syndrome has nothing to do with being tired or even the time of day. It has to do with the dark and being over 50. Oh, and it may have something to do with all the medications I have been taking since I turned 50.

  So as I make my way to old age I know that I’ll be sleeping more and more all the time. The timing may be a bit off because while my grandson Bryce still sleeps most of every day, he’s sleeping less all the time. Soon he’ll be awake more than me. And that’s OK. I’ll need someone to cut the lawn while I nap.

  Air travel is no longer just for the rich, and we’re all poorer for it

  June 2014

  Unlike our children, who take air travel for granted, most of us over-50s remember a time when air travel was not the norm. When I was a child, many of my friends still took trains to travel to Florida. Many people still took ships to Europe.

  I attended many a bon voyage party my grandparents threw on ships docked on the piers of Manhattan, bound for Italy. It was a great occasion for us kids. We got to go aboard a giant steam-liner like the Leonardo DaVinci and explore the ship from stem to stern while our parents sat around tables in the restaurant enjoying pastries and coffee. In the security-obsessed world of today, no one would dream of allowing non-passengers to roam aboard (or letting their children wander a ship alone, for that matter). And that’s a shame.

  It’s also a shame that family and friends cannot go to the gate to see us off at airports anymore. When I took my first flight nearly 50 years ago we just walked onto the plane with no security of any kind. When we walked aboard, we were greeted warmly by stewardesses who treated us as if air travel was something special (as it was for middle class folks). There were even commemorative pins for kids enjoying their first flight. Stewardesses brought all the food and drink you could want. And there was room to stretch because the flights were rarely full. In fact, when flights filled up, they often rolled out another plane. No one ever got “bumped.” Flights were cancelled only due to mechanical or weather issues.

  Contrast that with air travel in 2014. This year I have taken eight flights in six months and have had one flight cancelled and another delayed seven hours.

  United Airlines was the culprit last month when my flight from St. Louis to Newark was cancelled on a clear, sunny day without any reason ever given. And then to add insult to injury, they rebooked me to fly from St. Louis to Chicago and then Chicago to Boston and then Boston to Newark and acted as if I should be thankful they had provided a plan for getting me home. They wanted to turn a three-hour flight into 13 hours and have me be happy about it.

  My point is that air travel just isn’t what it used to be. Now I know that makes me sound like an old curmudgeon. I remember laughing when Burt Lancaster’s character in the film Atlantic City says to a young friend, “Look at the ocean. The Atlantic isn’t what it used to be. You should have seen the ocean years ago.” But I don’t think even air travel executives would deny that the experience today is not what it used to be. They would probably blame economic factors like fuel prices and security factors like TSA regulations for the difference. But the truth is that air travel today is about as enjoyable as riding a bus, and far more expensive.

  That is why when our pilot friend Brian offered to take us for a ride in his 4-seater plane recently, my wife and I accepted immediately. The plane was at the Provincetown, Massachusetts airport where Brian had flown it from his upstate New York home. Pat and I arrived with Brian at the airport and you could see immediately a return to the early days of commercial aviation. The airport personnel treated everyone as special. There was no TSA security. Brian keyed in a code to open the gate and we walked to where his plane was tied up. Brian opened the door and we got in. He meticulously checked the plane out and gave us safety instructions and then we were off. As we cruised over Cape Cod, I thought that this is the way travel should be. No lines at the airport, no taking off your shoes, no being patted down. We could just enjoy the ride as human beings, not just butts in seats.

  More than a half-century of commercial aviation has taken all of the charm and most of the civility out of air travel. When only rich people traveled regularly by commercial airlines, everyone who traveled received top notch treatment. Today, when everyone travels by air, it’s just transportation. The airline slogans bear this out. In the 1930s Delta Airlines’ slogan was “Speed, Comfort and Convenience.” By 1984, the slogan was “Delta Gets You There.” I rest my case.

  Baptism and babies are good for a family

  June 2014

  Family can surprise you sometimes. Just when you think that everyone is acting childish with their petty disputes and slights over nothing, they can come together and act like, well, a family!

  This was brought home to me recently when my grandson, Bryce, was baptized. Members of the family who had not seen each other for years all showed up and seemed to enjoy each other’s company. People who don’t talk to one another did. And I have to think that there is some magic in a baby’s baptism.

  The extended family gathers around the baptismal font

  Baptism is where a child is initiated into the family faith. And the family gathers together for it and celebrates the new family member. It’s sort of a Christian coming out party. I think that every religion has an equivalent. The iconic image from The Lion King with the child being held overhead is of the same cloth.

  Bryce seemed to enjoy all the attention and suffered the pouring of water over him with barely a peep. I think his only complaint was that he didn’t get his full bath. The boy loves his bath. Bryce also loves being held, and there was a whole room full of family members eager to accommodate him.

  Bryce had another baptism of sorts the day before. He attended his first Yankees game. I think there is a religious aspect of that as well.

  So now Bryce is all baptized and seems to be enjoying life at nearly five months. He was all smiles at his baptism. And his grandfather is enjoying the healing effect a baby has on a family. It seems that the innocence of a child can bring out in people what Lincoln called “the better angels of our nature.” It’s a wonderful thing to see.

  When do you become a “senior citizen”?

  July 2014

  Last year I visited the Ben & Jerry’s ice cream factory in Vermont. They have a nice tour there that ends with ice cream, and so I went with my son and his father-in-law. I only bring this up because they had a senior citizen discount that kicked in at age 60. I thought that was an odd age to pick, but some restaurants like Denny’s and IHOP give senior status to anyone over the age of 55.

  Last weekend I visited the Turtle Back Zoo in West Orange, New Jersey with my wife, my grandson and his parents. There was a $3 a ticket discount for seniors, but they defined senior as age 62 and over. I have also come across movie theaters where the senior discount doesn’t kick in until 65.

  All this led me to think, why can’t everyone agree on the age at which one becomes a senior citizen?

  I think this should start with the AARP. The RP of AARP stands for Retired Persons. As anyone over 50 knows, the AARP is second to none in finding people around their 50th birthday and asking them to sign up. I don’t think the NSA could find those of us over 50 as fast as the AARP does. But how many people are actually retired at age 50? I don’t know anyone. Perhaps in 1958 when the AARP was founded there may have been a sizeable minority, but today the number must be a single digit percentage.

  A few months ago, Gallup released the results of a poll that indicated that retirement age has been increasing over the last decade. The average retirement age is now 62 and the poll showed that those of us who are not retired do not expect to do so before age 66. Surprisingly, 11% of 18-to-29-year-olds said that they expected to retire before they hit 55. The poll showed that this percentage dropped to 3% when they asked 30-to-49-year-olds, and 1% when they asked people over 50.

&nb
sp; So if we are not going to retire until somewhere between 62 and 66, why does the AARP open its membership at 50? Well I think that has more to do with the power that comes with larger numbers. If the AARP restricted its membership to “retired persons,” it would be a much, much smaller organization. And in fact, you will have to search very hard to find the words “retired persons” on the AARP website. They are just AARP now. They have pretty much disavowed any meaning in the letters.

  Social Security allows people to retire at age 62, but Medicare does not kick in until age 65. So even the government can’t make up its mind when one becomes a senior citizen.

  If the reason for senior citizen discounts is that seniors are living on fixed incomes, then perhaps we should set the senior age at the average retirement age of 62. That way, most of the people getting the discount will be retired.

  But maybe the reason for senior discounts is not tied to income. After all, many seniors, particularly of the “Greatest Generation,” are quite well off in retirement. Maybe the reason for senior discounts is simply to court the business of this rapidly-growing demographic who have time and ability to spend.

  Whatever the motivation, those of us in the 55-65 limbo area would certainly appreciate it if there was some consistency about the senior discount age.