by Laura John
“Livvy!” Johnny yells.
I smile. This man wanted nothing to do with kids because of how he grew up. And honestly, I don’t blame him. Had Olivia not been thrown into my life, I might have made the same decision. But after falling in love with Leah, and learning that the past doesn’t make the man, he changed his mind, and I know he’s going to make an amazing dad.
It’s kind of like what happened to me. I broke the chain. I didn’t let the past affect how I acted toward Olivia. I knew I wanted her to only know love, not heartbreak and fear like me.
Olivia runs full-speed toward him, and he leans down just in time to pick her up, throwing her high into the sky.
I’m really glad my life worked out the way it did. It hasn’t been easy, but everything happens for a reason. I’m a stronger person today because of my past. Do I wish some things had never happened? Obviously, but change one thing and you change it all.
“Happy birthday!” Leah says pulling me into a hug.
“My birthday was months ago.” I give her a side eye.
“I know, and I couldn’t make your party because of this growing monster inside of me, and life got crazy, but we are here now, so here you go.”
She places a small-ish package in front of me and I send her a “Seriously?” look.
“Oh, shut up and just open it,” she says placing Olivia in a booster seat.
I roll my eyes and rip the wrapping paper. I gasp as I see the brand new iPhone.
“You did not have to get me this.”
“Yes, I did. You never spend any money on yourself. Your phone screen has been cracked for damn near a year now, and I’m sick of looking at it.”
I shake my head; she isn’t wrong. It doesn’t feel right to spend money on myself. I know I make a lot of money, but when you’re raised by someone who couldn’t care less about you, you want the exact opposite for your child. So, all my money goes toward Olivia and her future. She is never going to have to steal just to get one new dress a year. Or beg someone to give her food at school because her mommy would rather spend money on drugs then groceries.
I feel the tears coming to my eyes, and Leah grabs my hand.
“Thank you,” I mumble.
“We love you, Crystal. I know you didn’t grow up feeling loved, but things are different now. You have us.”
I nod, trying not to make eye contact. I still feel awkward in situations like this.
“Potty, potty!” Olivia yells.
I move to stand, but Leah places her hand on my shoulder.
“I can take her. It will give me some training,” she giggles, and off they go, Leah waddling beside Olivia.
I fight back a laugh at the sight.
“Are you okay?” Johnny asks.
I give him a funny look. “I’m fine. It’s just been a pretty interesting day, and a lot of old feelings have bubbled to the surface.”
He nods and holds eye contact with me. “You know I grew up in an abusive household just like you. If you ever want to talk about it, I’m here. I ain’t no shrink, but I went through a lot, and I can be a listening ear if you need it.”
I nod. This man has sure changed a lot since he and Leah got together. He used to be a major asshole who never let anyone in, and now he’s actually wanting to talk about his past. It’s kind of crazy, but I don’t know if I’m ready to go there.
“Maybe one day,” I say, and pick up the menu.
I don’t entirely know everything he went through. It’s not like that’s a dinner conversation. But if there’s anyone in my life who could possibly understand the way I grew up, it would be him.
Tia thinks she saved me from a neglectful household, but she saved me from so much more. A shiver runs down my spine and I shake my head.
“It really does help to talk, and I know shrinks are annoying. So anytime, Crys. I’m here.”
Should I take him up on the offer? Talking about the past makes it more real, and I don’t think I’m ready to admit to what happened to me. If I say it out loud, there’s no going back.
“I went poop!” Olivia announces to the restaurant.
I cover my face while Johnny and Leah laugh.
“This is what you have to look forward to,” I tell them. “Are you sure you’re ready?”
“I don’t think I have much choice,” Leah says, resting her hands on her very large stomach.
The rest of dinner goes by nicely, but I can’t help but wonder if maybe it is time to open up to someone. I don’t know if it should be Johnny, or someone else. But maybe it’s time to tell someone what my life was like before Tia.
Crystal: Welcome home!!! Are you free tomorrow night for movies and munchies?
I pause, staring at my phone. Crystal hasn’t spoken to me besides being a translator for Olivia since that stupid photo got posted. I try to talk to her, but she keeps saying how it isn’t the right time, and to wait until I get home. Well, I’m home now, and we are fucking talking.
Me: I’m free. Is it just us?
Crystal: No, silly. The whole crew.
Fuck. I was hoping for some one-on-one time with Crystal. She’s not going to want to talk with everyone there, even though they are going to know everything later anyway.
Me: Sounds good! See you tomorrow.
I set my phone down and run my hand through my hair. I had this big plan to have a heart-to-heart with Crystal and let her know how good we could be together, but instead I feel like I’m slipping back into the friend zone. The very last place I want to be.
I know she thinks we can’t be together for some reason, but her reaction to the photo proves she has feelings for me. Why fight what is right in front of you? Why can’t she just give in and let us give this a try?
“Welcome home!” everyone shouts.
I grin. These are my people. My second family.
Olivia is the first to give me a giant hug.
“I missed you,” she says, snuggling into my neck.
“And I missed you, princess. I brought you a present,” I say, pulling out the bright pink unicorn bag from behind my back.
Her eyes go as wide as her smile, and she is practically vibrating from excitement.
“What is it?” she asks.
“Open it and see.”
She giggles and pulls out the tissue paper.
“A woonicorn!” she shrieks as she pulls out the fluffy pink unicorn.
“I know they’re your favorite.”
She nods and gives me a giant squeeze before running off to play.
“You spoil her. You know that, right?” Crystal says before giving me a hug.
It feels so right to have her back in my arms.
“I know. And I spoil you too.” I smile and give her a box wrapped in shiny green wrapping paper.
“You really didn’t have to.” She rolls her eyes, fighting back a smile.
“And yet I wanted to.”
She pushes my arm and takes the box to the living room.
“Open it already! I hate when people don’t open presents,” Damon says, sounding way more excited than Crystal looks.
After the wrapping paper is off, all three of them gasp as they look at the Tiffany’s box.
“You are so lucky!” Shae shrieks.
Damon nods his agreement.
Crystal, however, does not look happy. I know that look well, and she is about to either yell at me or cry. Maybe both.
“I can’t accept this,” she says, trying to give the box back.
“You can, and you will, because I’m not taking it back,” I tell her.
If looks could kill, I’d be six feet under.
“Just open it, alright?” I try to plead with her.
She sighs. “Fine, I’ll open it.”
Her hand comes to cover her mouth, and both Shae and Damon let out little shrieks of happiness.
“You keep talking about how you want diamond earrings, and I know you well enough to know you’ll never buy them for yourself, so I went and b
ought you the perfect pair.”
Crystal stares at the sparkling earring in her hands.
“They’re beautiful,” she finally whispers, and I see a tear escaping her eye.
Fuck, did I mess up? I knew she would be apprehensive over such an expensive gift, but I didn’t think she would be upset.
“I’m sorry, Crys. I didn’t think you would be upset over this.” I grab her hand.
She shakes her head. “I’m not upset. The opposite, actually. I’m just still not used to people caring for me and spending money on me. It’s overwhelming sometimes.”
I pull her into my arms and kiss the top of her head. “You will never feel unloved ever again. I promise you this.”
She nods into my chest, but quickly pulls away. Damn it, it feels so right when I’m holding her. Like she’s the missing piece to my puzzle.
“Thank you. They really are beautiful,” she says, avoiding eye contact.
I nod, not really sure what else to say.
“Okay, time for movies!” Damon shouts.
“And snacks!” Shae adds on.
I laugh. “Do I get a say in the movie tonight? I mean, it is my welcome home party.”
“Nope,” all three of them say at the same time.
We all laugh; Crystal’s eyes are soft, and she’s never looked at me quite like this before. She gets up to go to the kitchen, and I follow her. This is as much privacy as we’re going to get tonight.
“I’m sorry I made you uncomfortable,” I tell her once we’re away from the others.
She stares at me for a moment and bites her lip. My eyes are immediately drawn to her mouth, and fuck, I want to kiss her again.
“It’s been over three years since I left that horrible household, and it’s still hard to accept that this is what life can be like,” she murmurs.
I grab her hand and pull her toward me. “You never have to feel like you aren’t enough, ever again.”
My mouth is just a breath away from her lips. If I move slightly, I could kiss her, and it’s taking all of my willpower not to.
“It was more than just neglect, Dustin. My parents abused me.” Her eyes are moist, and she is fighting back tears.
“Are the snacks ready?” Damon shouts.
Crystal steps back, running the knuckles of her fingers under eyes.
“Almost!” she shouts back, and just like that, the wall is back up.
“We need to talk, Crystal. I need you to know that you can trust me,” I tell her.
She shakes her head. “It’s fine. It’s in the past now. It can’t hurt me.”
I nod, not wanting to push her. She never talks about her past. I know she didn’t have the best upbringing, but other than that, I really know nothing. I just wish she felt more comfortable opening up about it.
“Fine. We don’t have to talk about the past, but we need to talk about you and me,” I insist.
Crystal grabs some platters of food from the fridge.
“Can you grab the chips?” She gestures to the counter with her chin, completely avoiding what I just said.
I grab the chips and follow behind her.
“Well, it’s late, and I really don’t want to pay the babysitter anymore,” Shae says, standing up.
“Where is Karl this time? I didn’t think his job required him to travel so much,” I ask, concerned that Karl probably isn’t actually working.
“Oh, it was some sort of training out of town. It’s only about an hour away, but he has to be there for tomorrow as well, so he spent the night.”
I nod, not really sure what to say. I always got a bad vibe from Karl. I don’t have anything solid to base these feelings on, but he just seems like a prick to me.
“Well, I’m off too. I have to work tomorrow,” Damon says, stretching.
“Don’t lie. You don’t work,” Crystal teases.
“You’re right. I just get paid to be awesome, but I still need my beauty sleep! Ta-ta, bitches.”
Crystal and I both laugh.
I sit awkwardly as Crystal says goodbye and comes back to the living room.
“Should I go too?” I ask, not really sure where we are anymore.
“I don’t know,” she says, lowering her head to stare at the floor.
“Can we talk about what’s going on between us?” I ask, reaching for her hand and pulling her toward the couch.
“My life is a mess, Dustin. I’m a mess. My thoughts are so confused. I just don’t know what to do. I want to go back to how we were. I want us to be friends.”
I want to fight her, to prove we would be great together. To tell her we have never been friends, or at least not regular friends. But I really don’t want to lose her.
“Want to watch another movie and cuddle?” I try, knowing she has always liked cuddling with me. At least this way I can hold her.
She smiles and nods.
Things are complicated with us, but I will convince her to give us a try. She just needs time.
Dustin’s body feels like home as I cuddle into his side. His warmth envelops me, and I let out a small sigh.
“So, are you going to tell me more about your old life?” he asks as he searches for a movie to watch.
“What do you want to know?” I say, letting out a sigh.
I shouldn’t have brought up anything earlier, but I know he isn’t going to drop it.
“Whatever you want to tell me. I won’t pressure you into telling me, but I want you to know I’ll always keep your secrets, no matter what.”
I know he’s telling the truth; he’s never once told anyone anything I’ve told him.
“My mom was a horrible woman, and my dad only cared about getting his next fix. There were days when they wouldn’t even talk to me or notice if I was there or not. I actually liked those days. The days they paid attention to me…were not good days.”
I stop, not wanting to go down the dark road anymore.
“You never should have had to deal with stuff like that. Parents are supposed to love you.”
I nod. “I didn’t know what love was until Tia came into my life.”
“I’m so sorry you went through that.”
“I’m so sick of the sorrys. I know you feel bad, but it’s over now. Just caring for me is enough.”
He nods and kisses the top of my head, and I feel a warmth spread through my whole body. I so badly want to kiss him again, but I just put up the boundary, saying I want to be friends. Friends don’t kiss each other, do they?
I sit up slightly and stare into his beautiful blue eyes, the color of the ocean. I’m lost in them for a moment.
Dustin’s hand comes up to cup my cheek, and I savor the feeling of his warmth.
As if in slow motion, he slowly moves his face closer to mine. He stops just before he reaches my mouth, as if asking for permission. I don’t say anything; I just close the gap, pressing my lips to his.
The tingling feeling is back, and I feel this need. A need I’ve never felt before. Even with Gavin, I never felt like this. With him, it was more of a feeling of needing to do something to keep his attention. I slept with him because I felt like that was what I needed to do, and I regretted it right away.
With Dustin, it’s completely different. I don’t feel like I need to do anything. I know he’ll always be there for me, no matter what. I don’t feel pressured. I can go at whatever speed I want. My girl parts are shouting to go full speed ahead, but my heart and my head are telling me to be cautious. I do trust him with my life, but when you’ve been hurt the way I have, it’s hard to get over it fully.
I pull back with my lips feeling like they’re on fire, and I close my eyes.
“Hey, you’re in control here. I won’t ever do anything you don’t want.” Dustin caresses my cheek, and I lean into the touch.
“I’ve had a pretty crazy week. Would you mind staying the night and holding me?” I ask. “I feel safe with you.”
Those words could never be truer. When other guys I dated touc
hed me, my thoughts would drift to the past and I would freak out. But that never happens with Dustin. Dustin feels like home, like comfort.
I search his eyes, trying to read his mind. He gives me one of his perfect smiles and grabs my hand. I let him lead us to my room, never feeling uneasy, just content.
I grab some sleep shorts and a tank top and go to my en-suite to change. Is this a good idea? I don’t know. But I wasn’t lying to him. He makes me feel safe and I really don’t want to be alone.
I come out of the bathroom and see Dustin lying on my bed in just his boxers. All of the air leaves my lungs. This isn’t the first time I’ve seen him in so little clothing, but it is the first time with that hungry look on his face.
Maybe this wasn’t a good idea, but I won’t back down now.
I’m attracted to him, and I want him, but I need to keep him in the friend zone where it’s safe.
I’m in control, I remind myself.
I climb into my side of the bed and go under the covers, turning my back toward Dustin. I cannot look at him like that and just sleep next to him.
Friends.
Dustin follows my lead, then pulls me into his arms. His warmth is like a heavy blanket on a cold day. I feel comforted and safe.
“Sleep well, beautiful,” he whispers, kissing the top of my head.
A rush of warmth fills my body. I love it when he does that. It’s sweet.
I close my eyes and drift off to sleep, wrapped in the arms of my best friend.
“Just do it, you stupid little bitch!” my mom screams at me.
I shake my head vehemently. There is no way I’m doing this. Not again.
“Fuck you!” I yell at her, letting my spit land on her face.
Quickly, her hand comes up to slap me across the face. It stings like a bitch, but I won’t back down. I’m sixteen now, not a pathetic little child.
“I’m not sucking your friend’s cock so you can get your next hit!” I growl.
“You’re trash. Don’t think you’re above this. You will never be anything. No one is ever going to love you. Now hurry the fuck up or you can find somewhere else to live.”
I narrow my eyes at her. “The streets would be better than this hell hole.”