by Laura John
“Don’t forget about the video I have of you. Do you want all your friends to see what kind of whore you are?”
I close my eyes. Everyone already knows that my mom is legitimately a whore. My dad doesn’t seem to mind as long as he gets his drugs, and his half of the pay.
The video she is referring to is the last time she whored her own daughter out. She held a knife to my throat and told me if I didn’t suck the guys dick, she would end my life.
I didn’t know that she was recording, and the way it was done, it looks like I wanted to do it. Not like I was forced.
Yes, I should have walked away after that, but then she showed me the video and threatened to share it on the Internet. I tried to find it so I could give it to the cops, but I never could.
“Come on, sugar. I won’t bite. And I don’t think I have any STDs,” the sleazy man standing in our apartment says, reaching out for me.
I get to my knees, the tears falling down my face. Is this really the only life I have to look forward to?
“No!” I scream, jolting awake with tears running down my face.
“Baby, are you okay?” Dustin asks, holding me close to him.
“Don’t let them get me. Don’t let them hurt me again,” I whimper.
Dustin’s grip on me tightens, and I can’t breathe. The panic attack is completely engulfing me.
“Just try to breathe. I’ve got you. No one is ever going to hurt you again,” he says, rubbing my back.
I squeeze me eyes shut, trying to focus on my breathing.
Dustin doesn’t let go of me once.
Finally, my breathing regulates, and I don’t feel like I’m drowning anymore. I just feel so emotionally and physically drained.
Closing my hands around Dustin’s arms, I pull him to lie back down with me.
“Are you okay?” he whispers.
I shake my head.
“I’ll never be okay,” I admit. “I’m damaged goods. I don’t even know why you want to be my friend.”
“I already told you, I’m not going anywhere,” he murmurs.
He strokes my hair and I drift off to sleep again.
I’m making breakfast, still wondering what actually happened to Crystal as a teenager. From that panic attack, I can tell it wasn’t good. Her scream was like nothing I’ve heard before. It was as if someone was physically hurting her, but it was only a dream.
“Mo juice,” Olivia says with a giant smile.
“After you eat some breakfast.” I grab her fork and feed her a bite of French toast.
She giggles and continues eating.
I look up from the most adorable little girl ever and see Crystal leaning against the wall. She is still in her sleep shorts and tank top, but she looks exhausted. The bags under her eyes are dark, and her normal bright hazel eyes look dull and lost.
“Want some coffee?” I ask softly.
She nods, so I walk over to the pot and pour her a cup.
“Thanks,” she mumbles when I hand it to her.
“Listen, you don’t have to tell me what happened, but I think maybe you should talk to someone.” I grab her hand, but she slowly pulls it away.
She doesn’t make eye contact with me. She just sips her coffee in silence. I turn and plate her up some French toast.
Placing it in front of her, I wait for some sort of response, but she just mumbles another thank you.
“I guess I should be going,” I say, kissing Olivia on the cheek.
“No, stay,” she whines.
My heart is torn. Crystal is clearly giving me the cold shoulder, but I hate breaking Olivia’s heart.
“I’ll be over in a couple of days, sweetheart,” I tell her, giving her a big hug.
I go to Crystal, but the moment my hand touches her shoulder, she shrugs out of my touch and an obvious shudder runs down her spine.
Fuck. After all these years I’ve spent breaking down her walls, she has them back up and steel-enforced.
“Call me if you need anything,” I tell her.
She doesn’t even look at me.
I walk out of the house and stand on the front porch for a moment, grabbing the back of my neck. Should I leave her when she is clearly vulnerable? I don’t know the answer. I just know from the way she was treating me that she doesn’t want to be around me.
I climb into my truck and pull out my phone.
Me: Want to go to the gym?
Grayden: Sure, man. Meet you in twenty?
Me: Sounds good.
Maybe getting a good sweat on will help me clear my mind.
“What’s new, man?” I ask Grayden in the locker room while I’m tying my shoes.
“Not much. I think I need to break up with Sarah. She’s really starting to show her crazy.”
I nod. “I didn’t know if I should say anything, but when you were out of town, before I went on tour, she called me for a ride when she was drunk, so I went and picked her up. When I was dropping her off at her house, she asked me to come in, and not in a ‘have a glass of water’ kind of way.”
Grayden slams his locker closed and shakes his head. “Yeah, I’ve been getting a feeling she’s cheating on me. Thanks for being a stand-up guy and not going there.”
I slap his back as we head out to the equipment. “I’ve always got your back, bro.”
“What’s new with you? How was the tour?”
I grab two thirty-five-pound weights and start doing bicep curls.
“The tour was amazing, man. I can’t believe how many people show up every night. It’s still so surreal.”
I focus on my breathing and my movements. Five, five, six, six, seven, seven.
“Also, I spent the night at Crystal’s last night.”
Eight, eight, nine, nine, ten, ten.
I drop the weights, and Grayden is just staring at me, smiling.
“Finally tap that?” he asks, wiggling his eyebrows and picking up the weights.
A spike of rage bubbles up into my chest.
“You know she’s more to me than that!” I snap, then take a deep breath, trying to calm down.
I know he’s just being his usual self, but Crystal will never be just a quick lay. She isn’t an obstacle to conquer. I want so much more.
“I just slept with her in my arms,” I finally say before taking a drink of my water. “She felt so good to hold.”
Grayden howls with laughter. “Dude, you’re already pussy whipped and you haven’t even fucked her. I’d get out now.”
I don’t want to get out. I just want to get in deeper, but I need to figure out why she’s so scared.
“I really care for her, but she’s terrified to let people get close. Something happened when she was still living at home, and I need to find out what.”
Grayden finishes his set, then drops the weights.
“I know you’ve always had a thing for her, but I thought you finally gave up on it,” he says, grabbing his water and taking a drink.
“I did, but I kissed her on her birthday, and I can’t go back to how it was.”
He nods. “Well, if there’s anything I can do to help, let me know.”
“Thanks. Let’s just get this workout done, and maybe then my head will be clearer.”
He nods, and we go back to working out.
I’m dripping sweat when we finally finish our workout. I pull out my phone and see I’ve missed a text.
Blocked: I can’t wait for your next show.
Blocked: I know you sing to me.
I stare at my phone.
“Who is that?” Grayden asks, wiping his brow with a towel.
“I have no clue, but it’s kind of creeping me out,” I admit. “Maybe I need to change my number.”
A shudder runs down my spine, but I shake it off. I’m sure it’s nothing.
Me: Can I take you up on that offer about talking?
Johnny: Yeah. Want to come over to our place tonight?
Me: Sure. See you later.
It’
s been one week since my panic attack, and I haven’t spoken to Dustin. He texts me, and sometimes I’ll reply with one-word responses. Overall, I’m keeping my distance.
But it’s eating me alive. Sometimes, it doesn’t take much to set you over the edge and make you relive every awful moment from your past.
I’ve had a nightmare every single night for the past week, and it’s exhausting. I’m barely concentrating at work and I’m forgetting simple things. I just want to go back to how life was before.
Dustin is right; I need to talk to someone. But who do you talk to about the shit I went through? I’m not ready for a counselor. I just want a listening ear. Someone who has been in a rough situation who might be able to relate. I don’t want to bother Shae, even though I know she would be there for me.
Johnny already said he was willing to be a listening ear. Maybe talking with him, telling all my secrets, will help me get back to normal. And then maybe it will make it easier to open up to others.
“Why do you bother knocking? You know you’re always welcome,” Leah says as she opens the door.
“I do have manners,” I remind her with a smile on my face.
“Where’s my beautiful niece?” Johnny asks, noticing Olivia’s absence.
“She’s having a sleepover at Tia’s place. That woman is brave, having five kids under one roof,” I tell him.
Leah giggles and nods.
“Honestly, I just didn’t want her to hear what I’m about to say. I know she’s young and probably won’t understand, but what I’m going to tell you guys is not an easy or nice story.”
Johnny nods. “Would you like me to tell you my story first?”
“Actually, I think that would help a lot. I’ve never told anyone what I really went through, not even Tia.” I hang my head, looking at my feet.
Leah hands me a glass of fresh juice, and we walk to the living room and sit down.
“It’s never easy to tell someone your story when you’ve been abused,” Johnny starts. “It’s easy to feel ashamed for what happened to you, but just know that it wasn’t your fault. You were a child; your parents should have known better.”
I nod. It’s one thing to know that on an intellectual level, but it’s another to actually believe it.
“My father was abusive. He liked to drink, and he liked to hit my mother and me. He was a controlling and horrible man, but my mom stayed because she was afraid of what would happen if she left.” Johnny stops for a moment and takes a ragged breath. I’ve never seen him emotional like this before. “On my seventh birthday, my mom bought me a present, and that pissed my father off. She was trying to protect me, but when my father pushed her, she tripped and fell down a set of stairs. She broke her neck.”
I gasp and cover my face. Holy crap. That is a lot to go through at such a young age.
“After she died, I had no one to protect me. And my father got even meaner. When I was twelve, he broke my ribs because I refused to let a prostitute suck my dick. I left home at eighteen, but that didn’t stop him from trying to get something from me. When I was twenty-one, he pointed a gun at me and threatened to kill me if I didn’t give him money, but I’m not the one who died. He was. Like I said earlier, he was the adult and he should have done things differently, but I can’t control my past. I can only control how I let it affect my future.”
I nod, feeling the tears rolling down my face. I had no idea he went through all of that.
“I never had anyone to protect me,” I whisper. “Neither of my parents gave a shit about me. They’re junkies, only caring about their next fix. When I was young, it was a slap across the face for speaking out of turn, usually just asking for food. As I got older, the abuse worsened. I prayed for the days when they would be strung out and not care if I was around or not. Because when they weren’t high, I was in trouble.” I reach for a Kleenex on the table and blow my nose. “My mom’s a whore. She sleeps with anyone to get her fix. Then when I turned thirteen, she started selling me.”
I hang my head in shame, and Leah gasps.
“I never had sex with the men, because she was saving that for a big sell. But she made me do other things.” I don’t want to say the words, so I stop, squeezing my eyes shut.
The feeling of drowning comes back and I start sobbing. Leah comes to my side and pulls me into her arms.
“I’m a slut just like my mom!” I wail.
Leah pets my hair and shushes me.
“You are nothing like your mother,” she murmurs. “Your mother is a vile, horrible woman. You are a kind, loving, and compassionate mother.”
“Part of the reason I slept with Olivia’s father was so my mother couldn’t sell my virginity. The other part was because I felt pressured. It was a horrible experience. I thought she was going to kill me when she found out I was pregnant.” I pause, glancing at the scar on my right hand. “Instead, she just stabbed me.”
“Sweetheart,” Leah coos, holding me tighter. “I am so glad that disgusting woman is out of your life. And as for that stupid boy, I want to ring his scrawny little neck. The best thing he ever did was sign over his rights to you. My first time was very similar, and it really affected my relationships. Don’t let that one stupid time affect your future.”
I nod. “Me too. My mom was more than happy when Tia took me in. One less mouth to feed and she didn’t have to see my traitorous face anymore. I’m just glad she doesn’t know that I actually made it in life. I’m sure she would try and get money from me.”
It’s on the tip of my tongue to tell Leah about the video, but I hate it so much, and I’ve already told them a lot.
“If she ever calls you, you come to me, all right?” Leah says, lifting my chin so I look her in the eyes.
“Okay,” I tell her, but there is no chance she’ll call. I’ve changed my number.
“Thank you for opening up to us, Crystal,” Johnny finally says.
“It actually feels really good getting it off my chest,” I admit. “You telling your story first helped a lot also.”
“Anything I can do, you let me know. We are always here for you,” he reminds me.
“I do have one more thing to talk about,” I say.
Johnny and Leah both nod at me to continue.
“Something is going on between Dustin and me. I know it’s obvious to everyone. I just don’t know what to do. I want us to be friends, but at the same time, I want more. I just feel like he won’t want a girl like me.”
“Why would you ever think that?” Leah asks, looking confused.
“Because he has so many beautiful women throwing themselves at his feet and, well, I’m unexperienced.” I look at the ground and twiddle my thumbs. “I’m obviously not a virgin, but I’ve only ever been with Olivia’s father and that was only once. All other guys I’ve dated, I kind of freak out when they touch me. Dustin is the only guy who makes me feel calm and safe. I know Dustin has been with more women, and what if I let him down?”
God, I’m pathetic.
Johnny chuckles, and Leah shoots him a glare.
“I don’t know why women think a guy wants someone who is experienced,” he says. “Honestly, he’s going to feel lucky that you are giving him something that you don’t give up freely. You are choosing to give him a gift. Your first time wasn’t even really a choice. You had a guy pressuring you and a mom wanting to sell your virginity, so you did what you had to do. If you tell Dustin all of this, he’s going to feel like he won the lottery.”
“But what if he doesn’t even want me, and I’ve just made up everything in my head? Or what if he did want me, but I’ve pushed him away? Or what if he decides being a stepdad is too much and he wants to walk away?”
I feel so overwhelmed. Why is everything so complicated?
“Enough with these ‘what ifs,’” Leah interjects. “I see the way that boy looks at you, and if you can’t tell that he loves you, then you’re a fool.”
I giggle and push her shoulder. “It’s not that easy
. I not only have to look out for myself, but also for Livvy. You’ll know soon what it’s like to be a mama bear. I just really want to make sure that this decision is right for all of us.”
“Sounds like you have a lot of thinking to do,” Johnny says. “But what I really want to stress is, don’t let the past make you jaded, or be the reason you push away love. I know it’s easy to believe we’ll turn into our parents, or that we aren’t capable of love because of our past, but that isn’t true. I’m living proof that when you let go of what you can’t control and live the life you want, happiness is actually possible.”
“Thanks for having me over today. I really do have a lot to think about. My past has really affected my life, but I think I’m ready to let it go. They can’t hurt me anymore.” I hug Leah and stand to hug Johnny.
“Anytime you need us, we’re here,” Leah says.
I smile.
Who knew that actually talking about what happened to me would help? Maybe opening up in counseling would have been good. But I still think they wouldn’t have understood. Not really. At least Johnny went through a similar shitty childhood. He understands.
Crystal has been creating distance between us. It feels like she’s so embarrassed that I saw her during her nightmare that she doesn’t want to see me at all anymore. It doesn’t stop me from texting her every day, though.
Me: Heading to recording. Hope you are having a good day.
Crystal: Have fun at recording. Want to come over for dinner with Livvy and I tonight?
I’m shocked that she’s inviting me over. She always responds, but usually it’s just a short response. And if I ask to hang out, it’s always a different excuse.
I quickly check my phone to see if I have anything going on. Seeing it clear, I smile.
Me: I’ll see you tonight. Want me to bring anything?
Crystal: Just yourself.
“The song is supposed to be about hate and sorrow. You sound too fucking happy. What the hell is going on with you?” Jay says.
I see the producer, Arny, grabbing the back of his neck.
“Sorry, Jay.” I look down.
Jay took a chance on me when he signed me to his record label, and I hate that this recording isn’t going the way it should. I normally don’t have a problem getting into the music and out of my head, but I’m so excited to see Crystal tonight that I just can’t channel the negative emotions I need for this song.