The Witness
Page 47
“Speak English, please,” she said, wanting to keep him talking, to feel a connection. He must be relaxed or he wouldn’t have lapsed into the vernacular, but her recent difficulties with physical communication made oral communication critical.
“Spare—extra, backup. But you have to have your equipment and your mind prepared. If a call comes, you may have to move fast. No time to think. You go on automatic.” He paused. “It’s strange. After hours of training—extended briefings—long waits—a deployment may be over in seconds.” She wasn’t looking at him. “You’re tense. Has something happened?” They stepped off the path, and he put his arm loosely around her shoulders. “No one will pay us any mind, love.”
She leaned into him. “Simon, I’m in trouble. Don’t laugh—but I’ve been feeling so normal! I have a job, I go shopping, I cook dinner.”
“Those are important steps.”
“But not enough. Real couples do more than that.”
He knew all about what real couples did.
“We were—close—and then I was afraid, and—and—”
He waited, knowing, not wanting to know.
“I—I couldn’t do it. All I could think of was getting away.”
He was glad Sinclair had been patient. Glad Sinclair had been denied. “Did he do anything you didn’t want him to do?”
She shook her head.
“Was he angry, Jenny?”
It was The Voice, but it was a comfort, because that voice always knew what to do. “No, and I hurt him. I never thought anything could hurt so much. I need to find a way to get through it.”
“No, Jenny. If a man fancies a woman, he wants her to fancy him as well, not endure him.” He took a deep breath. She had changed her shampoo. Her hair smelled like peaches. “Physical love is very important to a man,” he said quietly. “A man needs—”
“An outlet?”
Sometimes, yes, but he didn’t want to think of her as someone’s outlet. “More than that. A man needs to know that he is desired.”
“I felt that, until—until—the last step,” she whispered.
“Jenny, the last step is the most important one.”
“If I could learn to take it, wouldn’t that be enough?”
She spoke of it like a punishment. “Not if he loves you. It wouldn’t be enough for me.”
Her tears welled up, and she dug in her pocket for a tissue. Simon never had any handkerchiefs.
“Jenny, there’s no easy answer here. You have more to overcome than most women.”
“Then the monster wins,” she said bleakly.
They walked a little farther into the park. “No, but you’re going to need help. What about Knowles?”
“I wish I didn’t need Dr. Knowles. I wish the monster were dead!”
If he ever had the chance, he’d rip his heart out.
They turned back toward the bookstore. “I promised my father I’d get help and I haven’t. Things were going well. I thought I could handle it all by myself.”
“Haven’t I taught you anything? Don’t go it alone. Better to combine forces.”
Alone—that’s what she was a lot of the time. Most days only strangers spoke to her, except for Colin and now the Hollisters. She remembered how Simon had rubbed her hand long ago, and she took his now, wanting to connect with someone. Combine forces. “Thank you, Simon. For telling me the truth. For not showing pity.”
Esther Hollister watched them through the picture window. The young policeman did not kiss Jenny. She could not tell whether the hug he gave her was a romantic one. What was the relationship between these two?
CHAPTER 17
Colin and Jenny tried varying the setting and the approach to their lovemaking, to no avail. Less light, more light, glass of wine, no wine—none of it made a difference. Each time there came a point beyond which she could not go, and each time she felt worse, because she couldn’t accept his proposal if this problem weren’t solved. Marry a man you couldn’t make love to? Their wedding night would be a disaster. She was desperate, alternately at war with and grieving over the actions of her body. “Colin, I want to see Dr. Knowles.”
Relieved, he had rung the psychiatrist. “Jenny’s back,” he said. “We’re serious about each other, but she’s having trouble with the physical side of our relationship. She wants to follow through, but her passion turns to fear, and her physical responses shut down. She’s willing to come in.”
“Are you?”
“Sorry?”
“Colin, this problem concerns both of you. I trust you want to be part of the solution?”
“I do, yes. We’ll need to come after hours, then.”
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Friday evening Colin and Jenny arrived at Dr. Knowles’ office. He greeted them both in the reception area before asking Colin to stand by for a few minutes. “There are some questions I need to ask Jenny by herself,” he explained.
She stepped into the consulting room and looked around. Good place to crash and burn—all the upholstered furniture would give her a soft landing.
Knowles closed the door and seated himself across from her. “Jenny, how did you come to be here?”
“I went home after the last trial, but it didn’t work out. I missed Colin so much! When he offered me the chance to come back, I took it.”
“Returning was entirely your choice?”
“Yes, and then I fell in love with him, but love isn’t enough. I want to show him how I feel, and I can’t.”
“Jenny, he is committed to you, but he is also accustomed to being in charge. Did he push you to have a physical relationship before you were ready?”
“No. One minute I wanted him more than anything, and the next minute this wave of fear kicked in out of nowhere, and all the good feelings went away. Dr. Knowles, I’ve hurt him so badly. You have to help me.”
“I’ll ask him to come in then.” He opened the door and beckoned to Colin, who stopped pacing and joined them.
Knowles collected a clipboard and pen. “Jenny, I hope you won’t mind if I make a note or two while we’re speaking. In our previous meetings, we made reference to your attack by William Scott, but we didn’t examine it fully. That’s where we need to start, I think.”
“Why? The trial is over, and he was convicted.”
“It’s likely your attack is the primary source of the problem. Trauma doesn’t disappear quickly. It is imprinted on the brain and reflected in the body. Untreated symptoms can last for years.”
Her face fell. “But I want to leave that part of my life behind.”
Victims of violence often avoided discussing the acts they had endured. “Jenny, I don’t believe that’s possible without counselling, but I’d like to reassure you. Saying the words aloud may be frightening, but they won’t recreate the event. My purpose is to bring to light the feelings you have associated with it.”
“Can’t you just teach me to relax?”
“If you proceed physically when you’re not ready emotionally, you will be further traumatised.”
She shook her head in frustration. “Are you telling me I’ll get worse?”
“I hope our work together will avert that, but the choice to participate in these sessions, as well as how you participate, is yours.”
Colin took her hand. “I’m here to support you,” he said softly. “Tell him.”
She sighed. “I had been drugged. When I woke up, I was naked, nauseated, and cold. It was completely dark, and I couldn’t tell where I was. I’ve never been so scared.”
“Go on.”
She took a deep breath. “When the monster came in, the first thing that struck me about him was how angry he was. He nearly beat me to death. I don’t ever want to feel that powerless again. My pain didn’t matter. My screams didn’t matter. I didn’t matter.” She looked down at her hand, still locked in Colin’s, and began to cry. “Colin, I’m so sorry. I wish we didn’t have to go through all this.”
“Seeing his hands on his belt—I should have known what he meant to do, but I didn’t realize he was going to rape me until he unzipped his pants and dropped his boxers. How stupid is that? I was naked!”
“Not stupid at all,” Knowles countered. “How could you possibly predict the actions of a madman?” He waited for her to regain control. “Why do you call your attacker the monster? Do you ever refer to him by name?”
She shook her head. “It would humanize him.” Colin handed her his handkerchief, and she smiled in spite of herself. He had an unending supply! At least now she was laundering them.
“You’ve made a good start.” He set his clipboard aside. “Now it’s my turn to talk a bit. You had a terrifying experience not too long ago, and it made a big impact on your brain. You’re intelligent, and your brain learnt very quickly that in certain circumstances you had to focus on survival. In the process some of your feelings found a home where they didn’t belong. Our task is to rearrange them a little so that you’re not afraid to love the man who loves you.”
He reached for a dictionary on a shelf above his desk. “Let’s define some terms. Beat: to strike someone repeatedly. Did you do this?”
“No, I couldn’t hit him at all.”
He thumbed through the pages. “Assault: a violent attack. Did you attack him?”
She shook her head.
“One more. Rape: forcible sex. Did you force Scott to have sex with you?”
“No, of course not.”
“Who committed the crimes, Jenny?” Knowles asked.
“He did,” she said.
“Yes. Everything he did to you was unlawful. I want to be very clear about who is at fault here.” He set the book down. “Are you taking any medication? No? Good. I’ll write you a script for a mild anti-anxiety medicine. We’re going to relax that brain of yours a bit.”
“Now I have a very important point to make. Hear me on this: You are in charge of your body. For a time your attacker was in charge of it. Then there were doctors and nurses who were in charge, but now you are in charge. Not Colin, even though he loves you. And not I, because although I hope you’ll follow my recommendations, I can’t and won’t make you. Do you understand?”
“Yes.”
“Next, I’m going to give you a homework assignment. I want your physical relationship to be completely nonthreatening, so I’d like you to restrict yourselves to touching each other above the waist only. Let me be very clear: No caresses of any kind below the waist. Absolutely no attempt at intercourse.” He saw Jenny give Colin an apologetic look. “It’s not as clinical as it sounds. I don’t want to limit your love, just your expression of it.”
She had not maintained eye contact.
“Accept that this may be a stressful time. Do special things together outside the bedroom.” He picked up his calendar. “Will the same time next week be convenient for you?”
“No,” Colin answered. “We need to vary the day. I’ll ring you.”
“One final question. Jenny, who is in charge of your body?”
She raised her chin. “It appears that you are, Dr. Knowles.”
“No, Jenny. My role is to work with you, to ease the pressure you are putting on yourself.”
Colin reached for her hand. “I’m okay with this, Jen.”
Deep in thought, Knowles watched them go. She equates darkness with danger, sex with pain and brokenness, and nakedness with being vulnerable and afraid. Against this lineup stood his training and experience and their love and trust.
CHAPTER 18
On Saturday Colin decided to spend time with Jenny outside the flat. She had expressed an interest in the artists of the impressionist period, so the two of them spent a long afternoon at the Courtauld Institute in Somerset House.
Jenny was surprised at the vitality of the colors in the medieval paintings. The gold leaf still shone! There was an entire room full of works by Rubens, and every room was decorated by more than the artwork displayed. The ceilings were ornate, with carved roundels and chimneypieces as well as sepia-toned paintings.
She was fascinated by Van Gogh’s Self-Portrait with Bandaged Ear. “I guess I’m fixated on people with injuries, but he looks like he’s still hurting! I wonder why he painted himself. I wouldn’t have wanted anyone to paint me when I was covered with gauze from head to toe.”
They feasted on the genius of Monet, Gaugin, and Cezanne. Colin was a bit ahead of her when he heard her laugh softly. Curious, he went back.
“Colin, I’ve just done the silliest thing!” She gestured to the blues and greens in the landscape painting. “See the sunlight on the sides of those mountains? There, and there? It looks so real that I thought it must be coming through a window somewhere, but of course it isn’t. The light’s in the color of the paint and the strokes of the brush. Amazing!”
Colin had comments of his own to make about some of the works they saw, perceptive comments, and she realized that he must have a visual orientation to life. She supposed having visual acuity was necessary for a good detective, but it disturbed her. How could he accept her scars? On their way back to Hampstead, they stopped for tandoori food, and she asked him about them.
“Jenny, it’s just a little white line here and there. I think you see them as worse than they are.”
“But there’s one on my breast,” she whispered.
“Yes, and when I see it, I see what lies beyond it, and all I want is to caress you.”
She blushed, and they ate quietly for a few minutes. “My shoulder’s bad, though.”
He put his fork down. “Jenny, it reminds me how close I came to losing you—how lucky I am to have you—and how much I’ll do to protect you. Your scars demonstrate how far you’ve come. I wouldn’t erase them if I could.”
Their discussion helped, but she was still upset when they returned to the flat and began their homework assignment. She knew he wanted more physical contact than they were allowed. His approach, however, was to prolong what they could do. He kissed her slowly and deeply. He didn’t remove her blouse until he had explored what lay beneath each button. He introduced her to the concept of sensual as opposed to sexual touches.
She learned from him to look, and she liked what she saw of his body. She tried to make each touch a goal in itself, not a means to an end. She resolved to start a new list: Things Colin Has Taught Me. She wished she could put patience at the top, but she was not patient with the problem that had come between them.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
She was downstairs on Tuesday afternoon when Brian came by the bookstore. As a way of escaping the dreary computer work, Jenny had asked if she could make displays with some of the books, beginning with the children’s section, since there were so many young visitors to the shop in the summer months.
“Please introduce me to your giant friend,” Esther said.
“Brian, meet my boss, Esther Hollister. Esther, this is Brian Davies. PC Davies.”
Another policeman. Esther watched the two young people walk up the street toward the coffee shop.
Fortunately there weren’t many customers in the coffee shop, and Brian was able to stretch out his legs. “JJ, I want to tell you about Beth. She’s a schoolteacher, grew up on a farm near Norwich, like me.”
“You mean she knew you when you were small?”
He smiled. “Yes, but when I joined the police, she went to university, and we didn’t see each other for a while. She’s moved here, though—she found a job teaching juniors.”
“Junior high? Young teenagers?”
“No, juniors are younger than that—between seven and eleven. She likes kids.”
“She must like you, too,” Jenny teased. “Those phone calls you used to get—were they all from her? It must have been difficult, not being able to see her.”
“I think it helped, actually
. Not being available all the time.”
“Did she move to be closer to you?” Jenny had, to be close to Colin, only now they couldn’t be close.
“She won’t say.”
“What does she look like?”
“She’s short.”
They both laughed. “Brian, you have to do better than that! Give me a policeman’s description.”
“Right,” he smiled. “Twenty-five years old, 5’ 4” tall, dark eyes, dark curly hair.” He paused and smiled again. “Lovely all over.”
“Brian, you’re such a good man. I hope she’ll love you, if that’s what you want.”
“That’s what I want, JJ.”
She had to look away. That was what Colin wanted, to be loved. No, it was what they both wanted, but something inside her had locked up, and she couldn’t find the key.
They walked together back to the bookshop. Esther Hollister was still downstairs. Second policeman, second hug. My, this policeman had to bend down a long way to do it!
CHAPTER 19
When Colin and Jenny came for their next appointment with Dr. Knowles, she was not very forthcoming about their week.
“Perhaps this would be a good time to discuss how the issue of sex was handled in your families when you were growing up. What sort of relationship did your parents have with each other? What did they tell you about sex?”
Jenny didn’t reply, so Colin began. He was uncomfortable, so his explanation of things was rather abbreviated. “My information came from my father. He explained about the various parts and what they did, just in case I’d got wrong ideas from other boys. He and my mother were very close—moving as many times as they did taught them to depend on each other, to turn to each other first when there was a problem.”
Knowles turned to Jenny.
“I can’t report the same sort of education. My parents were affectionate with each other, but they didn’t talk to me about sex much. My mother told me what a miracle my body was, that it was a privilege and a joy to be a woman. I’ve never been able to tell her that the monster took it all away.”