“Seek first to understand, then to be understood.”
– Benjamin Franklin
Common Traits Masculine Men Share
Although each man is unique, masculine men share a number of universal traits.
Men Are Simple
Men are simple—without clutter and complication—but not simple-minded. Simplicity doesn’t mean they are less intelligent or valuable, but that they are more basic and fundamental, like nuts and bolts. Simplicity gives men freedom, which they highly value.
Men believe that the more unnecessary possessions they have, the more complicated their lives become; the more complicated their lives become, the less freedom they have and the more they’re distracted from pursuing their goals. Having more stuff means having more to manage and worry about. Men prefer to streamline their lives without being ensnared. This simplicity is one of the reasons the advertising industry doesn’t target men to the same extent it does women.
Understanding this aspect of men may help us decide to cut them some slack. Because men have fewer needs in general, they are better able and more willing to focus on what it is we need. And as long as we genuinely appreciate them, they love to meet our needs.
Here are some ways men are simpler than women:
They own fewer clothes and shoes.
They need fewer gifts.
They speak fewer words.
They have fewer hairstyle choices.
They live in minimal Zen-like surroundings.
Three colors dominate their wardrobe: black, brown, and blue.
They don’t require much to be happy: admiration plus affection plus food.
Men’s Brains Are Compartmentalized
Men’s brains have separate compartments for work, relationships, sex, sports, and relaxation. When a man is at the office, he focuses on his work. When he is watching sports, he is focused on the game. When he is having sex, he is focused on the woman. Because men focus on one area of their lives at a time, they are exceptionally adept at blocking out everything but the task at hand. Even when they tie their shoes, they can forget about their wife, their kids, and their job!
This ability to intensely concentrate and focus on one thing at a time was built into the masculine psyche for survival purposes. For instance, when the caveman hunted for food, he could not afford distractions. He had to be laser-focused on the task at hand lest he be killed and eaten by the saber-toothed tiger.
The ability men have to live their lives in separate boxes is also advantageous in their work and business world. Their capacity to focus reinforces men’s dedication and commitment to their life’s work. When it comes to their careers, men generally have a great aptitude to concentrate for days, months, and even years without getting distracted or tired. This ability helps them specialize and become proficient in their field of choice. Residing in one compartment at a time also explains why men can better focus and succeed by keeping their career lives separate from their personal lives.
Men Are Sensitive
Many of us aren’t aware of how sensitive men are because they rarely express their feelings openly. Although a man may appear strong and unemotional on the outside, his heart is often more vulnerable than a woman’s. We might not see their tender side because it’s often obscured beneath a cool or tough exterior.
Because a man often fears appearing weak and un-masculine, he can be adept at hiding his feelings. However, I’ve discovered that men are more sensitive than they admit. To avoid being hurt, a man often guards his heart by building a fortress around it. But it’s not that he doesn’t feel. Rather, it’s that he has learned to be highly careful to whom he opens his heart. Before a man will turn his heart over to a woman, he needs to feel he can fully trust her by knowing she genuinely cares about him and would never use what he shares with her against him. A man protects his heart like a woman protects her body.
Men Love More Deeply Than We Do
A man is often reluctant or slow to commit because he needs to be sure he’s committing to the right woman before he gives his heart away. Once he does, his love is loyal, deep, and bonding.
We women have become far more selective than men when we seek a mate. It’s not uncommon for us to make detailed lists—even spreadsheets—to evaluate men. Does he make enough money? Is he spiritual? Does he want children? Does he like to travel? Will my family approve of him?
Men don’t scrutinize us in the same way. When it comes to love, they don’t make lists. They don’t make spreadsheets. Men simply fall in love in an organic way. When a man commits his heart completely, it can take him much longer to heal after a breakup than it does a woman.
We females may be more empathetic, more connecting, and more nurturing than men, but when men are truly in love, they love more deeply than we do. For them, love trumps everything.
Men Are Internal
Men are more inwardly focused than women, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t thinking or don’t have opinions. Unlike us, men don’t talk out their problems. They’d rather think them out in silence. We may assume they are unaware, oblivious, or even ignorant because they don’t say much, but this is far from the truth.
Because men are quieter, they tend to observe a lot more than women do. It’s as though thinking and contemplating are the male way of being. Men need private time to be alone with their thoughts. Because we don’t share this need to the same degree, this is sometimes hard for us to understand. Time away from others is essential to a man’s well-being. He spends time alone to solve problems, recharge, and refocus so that he can emerge and conquer the world again.
This trait of going inward and zoning out can make men more absentminded than women. As a consequence, they may occasionally forget important dates such as our birthdays or Valentine’s Day! But they don’t forget on purpose, and it’s not a sign they don’t love us—quite the contrary. They may be mentally working on solving issues that affect the family or relationship.
Men tend to be self-sufficient and keep their thoughts and feelings to themselves. Even talkative, gregarious men are private about their feelings and emotions. They may talk about superficial or material topics in sports or business, but unless they feel safe with us—which is far more difficult than we realize—they will rarely discuss how they feel.
Women tend to be the more social gender. It’s not uncommon for us to go out to lunch or dinner with girlfriends to celebrate birthdays or baby showers. Have you ever seen a bunch of guys doing a birthday lunch for another man?
Men Are Decisive
The more masculine energy a man has, the more decisive he will be. He knows what he wants relatively quickly, and once he makes up his mind, he sets out to accomplish it. He’s cool under pressure, a take-charge kind of guy. He’s a man with a plan.
Feminine energy, on the other hand, is generally more indecisive, even capricious at times. We take more time making a decision, and we easily change our minds. As the old saying goes, “It’s a woman’s prerogative to change her mind.” Think back to times ordering at a restaurant. Personally, it takes me a while to decide. I may even ask the wait staff what they recommend before making up my mind.
What’s great about a man’s decisiveness is that we know where he stands, which gives us a feeling of security when we’re with him. He doesn’t flip-flop. We can count on him because we know he’s the captain of his destiny.
Men Are Protectors
A man once said to me, “Do you know why men don’t have as many friends as women do? It’s because we’re too busy protecting and providing for women, most especially the one special woman.”
Mother Nature designed man with an instinctive drive to protect females and children. It’s as though Mother Nature whispered in his ear, “Protect her! Protect her!” As a Cherokee proverb says, “A man’s highest calling is to protect woman so she is free to walk the earth unharmed.”
We see this protectiveness in nearly all animal species. The mother protects her babies while
the male protects both the mother and their offspring, even to his death if necessary. Subconsciously, men value women higher than themselves. That aspect alone should help us appreciate men more.
Today, men hear women say, “I don’t need a man to protect me.” Women have no idea what those words do to a man’s soul. Men need to be admired for being masculine—and that includes protecting women.
Safety and security sit right at the top of our needs as feminine women. It is always in the back of our minds when we’re driving alone at night, when we’re lost in a questionable neighborhood, or when we’re home alone and hear a strange noise outside our window in the middle of the night. We have traditionally looked to men for our safety. Men love to provide security for women because it makes them feel purposeful, needed, and masculine.
Good men want to be protective because doing so gives them great satisfaction. They don’t need us to protect them in return. They don’t need our money. They don’t need our gifts. What they need from us is admiration, appreciation, and affection.
Men Are Providers
Men have an instinctual need to provide for their women and families. When a man is in love with a woman, he will provide and care for her. If he can’t offer this, he feels like a failure.
Mother Nature programmed this desire to provide into man’s biological design. She created men in this way to provide for the life-giving females. They do this both through their physical strength and their focus and drive to succeed.
Mother Nature also gave men great need for women so that they would be motivated to care and provide for the ones who give life. Men were given specific skills and drives that enable them to be excellent providers. The distinctive strengths of men and women work in perfect concert together.
As women, we don’t have the same instinctual drive to provide and care for men because it’s not in our biological makeup. Our inborn need is to care for and protect our children. Men’s desire to provide for us works in much the same way.
For many women, “empty-nest syndrome” can be a real and painful experience; they often feel unneeded when their children leave home. Men feel a similar emptiness when we reject or show a lack of appreciation for their providing.
When men feel appreciated, they willingly provide for our needs to the best of their ability. Good men can be exceptionally generous, especially if we give them what they need: admiration for being masculine men and affection for being our men.
Men Are Chivalrous
Being chivalrous with women is a way for men to honor our femininity. Unfortunately, men have been discouraged by today’s society from practicing these kindly masculine gestures. Some women misconstrue these chivalrous acts, such as opening doors or pulling out chairs, as implying that they are weak or helpless, and they feel offended or even angry. But men don’t show chivalry because they think we’re weak or incapable. They do it out of respect. They do it to be gentlemen. They do it to honor and protect. When a man accompanying a woman walks on the outside of the sidewalk or road to protect her from traffic, he’s simply showing good manners by thinking of her well-being before his own. What’s not to like about that?
Many men say they feel apprehensive when they are chivalrous and are met with hostility or lack of appreciation for their efforts. Women should view men’s chivalry as precious. We ought to show men appreciation for their graciousness so that it doesn’t become a lost art.
Men Are Rescuers
Due to their natural inclination to be fixers and problem solvers, men are driven to rescue women from danger. Men will often comment in a humorous way that they can’t resist rescuing a “damsel in distress.” If they see a problem, they look for a solution. Rescuing us when we’re in trouble is a challenge they welcome. That’s why we can almost always count on a man to stop and help us if our car breaks down on the road.
We often think we will be a burden if we ask men to assist us, such as when we have trouble lifting our heavy luggage into the overhead bin on an airplane. Yet men derive great satisfaction from helping us. When men feel useful, they feel good. Men don’t feel burdened when we ask them for help as long as we show appreciation for their efforts. Most of the time, a simple “thank you” with a sincere smile is all they need. When a man rescues a woman from a dangerous situation, her appreciation and admiration for him fulfills his greatest need.
Men are driven to respond when their rescuing skills are called on during a large-scale crisis. Countless stories of men’s bravery in the face of disasters all over the world deserve our deep admiration.
Think back to the morning of September 11, 2001, and the incredible bravery of the first responders, most of whom were men. These courageous men saved untold lives, and many lost their own lives by entering dangerous buildings to rescue others.
On a similar note, I was spending several months writing in New Zealand when the devastating February 2011 earthquake hit Christchurch. As I watched the rescue workers on TV in the days that followed, I was touched and inspired by their courage. Men bravely crawled through rubble to pull out injured survivors, risking their own safety to save others. Their heroism moved me and reminded me how much we need men.
Men Are Honor-Driven
Good men are strongly motivated by the notion of honor, which is why the armed forces place so much emphasis on honor. Most young men who join the military do so out of honor and the desire to contribute rather than some bloodthirsty motive to go fight. When a man receives honor from doing something good, he feels great pride. Dr. Patricia Allen, author of the bestselling book Getting to ‘I Do’, often states that feminine energy needs to “feel good to do good,” and masculine energy needs to “do good to feel good.”
It’s important that we recognize and expect the best in our men. When we stand by our men with appreciation and admiration, they will be inspired to rise to the occasion. People (including men!) often live into the beliefs and expectations others have of them. They want to do the right thing for us. In the movie As Good As It Gets, Jack Nicholson gives Helen Hunt the greatest compliment of her life when he says, “You make me want to be a better man.”
Men Are Fixers and Problem Solvers
Men are natural fixers. They love to fix all kinds of objects—cars, computers, and leaky faucets. They fix broken lamps, furniture, toys—you name it. If it’s broken, they want to fix it. Fixing things gives men a sense of purpose because they feel they are being helpful, which makes them feel masculine.
Men also like to solve our problems. Tell a man a problem, and his instinct is to immediately focus on solving it. But this Mr. Fix-It skill also can be a dilemma. When we talk about a problem with a man, because he wants so much to help us, he often skips ahead to provide possible solutions. This eagerness comes from the way men organize their thoughts. Men are highly result-oriented. From our perspective, we can think a guy is being a jerk when he quickly offers a solution, but he is just trying to help. To get our needs met, we can simply remind him that we are not looking for a solution right now. We would just like him to listen and be present. Watch him change his thinking instantly. He genuinely wants to be there for us. As every man knows, “A happy wife is a happy life.”
In addition to solving problems, men also make great inventors. Men see women’s needs as opportunities to invent things. They invent ways to make our lives easier and more comfortable. They find ways to make anything and everything more useful, more sustainable, or more cost-efficient. It was primarily men who invented the vast majority of labor-saving devices we use in our homes today … to please us women.
Men Are Builders
Men love to build. They build houses, roads, cities, bridges, skyscrapers, airplanes, cars, room additions, decks, and furniture, just to name a few. It’s one of the instinctive ways they take care of us. It is primarily men who have built the cities and homes in which we live, the freeways on which we drive, and the offices in which we work. It is almost entirely men who have designed and built all the infras
tructure that allow us to live independently and comfortably.
Men especially love to build things for the women they love. I once met a dentist who spoke passionately about his work building crowns and bridges for his patients. However, his eyes lit up with pride when he talked about the work he had done to create a beautiful smile for his wife.
Men Are Accomplishment-Driven
Men love the feeling of accomplishment. They love checking off what they have accomplished, especially when they have the reward of free time after their task is complete; it’s a strong source of pride. Men often say they like to “work hard and play hard.” That’s how men operate best.
Men like to master challenges. They master new skills. They work toward goals and achievements. These are landmarks in the life of a man. Accomplishments can be recognized in various forms. In sports, accomplishments are designated by trophies, Olympic medals, black belts, and championship rings. In business, accomplishments are designated by titles, salaries, and bonuses. In the military, accomplishments are recognized by rank, insignia, medals, bars, and coins. Recognition of such achievements and mastery represents forms of masculinity.
Men like to accomplish for us, too. Men love knowing we’re proud of them for a job well done, so it’s important they be acknowledged when the task is completed or a goal reached. Men can feel we are proud of them in many ways, such as with admiration, respect, appreciation, interest, understanding, affection, and sex.
Men Need to Win With Us
Men have a basic need to win because it makes them feel good, which is why they enjoy healthy, good-spirited gamesmanship with other men. They love to win at contests, sports, and in business, but the ultimate accomplishment for men is winning with us, their women. Although men don’t like to compete with us, they do need to win with us.
Men win with us when we’re happy, content, accepting, and admiring of them. They win when we acknowledge and appreciate who they are and what they’ve accomplished. They win when we allow them to help us with our problems. They win when we trust them enough to ask their advice about something, and then take that advice. When we benefit from their help and experience, they feel more masculine, connected, and loving toward us.
Simply Feminine � Surprising Insights from Men Page 4