Men also win when we give them clear explanations of what we want. Because men are not as good at mind reading as we might be, a detailed “honey-do” list or explanation of gifts we’d like to receive helps him to make us happy, which makes him feel like he’s won with us. Note: Men don’t want to hear about what we don’t want because they can’t do anything about those things. Instead, they need us to tell them what it is we do want.
Men Are Challenge-Seekers
Men thrive on challenges and are driven to make things happen. That’s why so many of them love camping and backpacking in the wilderness. Being out in nature presents exciting obstacles to overcome, thus giving them great satisfaction. It energizes them because it reinforces their masculinity.
Because men love challenges, they are also natural risk-takers. Men have courage and belief in themselves, and the smarter and harder they work, the more likely they will be triumphant.
Men are natural explorers because they are curious. They love being pioneers and like to push the envelope. It can make heroes of them when they harness their recklessness and take control of the environment, such as when they rescue strangers from a life-and-death situation or defend their family, group, or tribe.
Men Don’t Postpone Meeting Their Needs
Have you ever noticed that the man you’re with rarely postpones meeting his own needs? When a man is hungry, he stops to eat. When a man is tired, he goes to bed. It doesn’t matter if there are dishes in the sink, food to be put away, or laundry to be finished. Generally, he can simply walk away from all of it and head for bed.
While we women can often put off our needs to care for our families, finish our shopping, or pick up the house, a man will drop everything and take care of his needs. He’s not being self-centered or uncaring. It’s part of his masculine makeup that differs from ours and there is actually a good reason men are this way. They need their strength to accomplish their mission, which includes caring for their women, children and tribe. Being eager to get back to the mission is why we often see a man eat his food quickly rather than savor it slowly like we women do. He wants to get back to his mission. He simply sees food as fuel for recharging.
So the next time you notice your man being grumpy, grouchy, or impatient, ask him what he needs. It’s probably food, sleep, or sex. Getting these basic needs met means he can be charged up for the next task at hand.
Men Protect Our Survival
There is no denying that for eons, men have kept our species from extinction. Men have predominately been the ones to fight off the predator, either human or animal. They have done the majority of the dangerous, dirty, and difficult jobs throughout history. If men left the planet today, it’s pretty certain these structures would quickly start to break down. We would realize, once again, how important men are—not only for our comfort but also for our survival.
Look around. Who picks up the trash and recycling? Sweeps the streets? Works on the telephone lines? Repairs the roads? Prunes the trees? Drives the semi-trucks? Plows the snow? Operates the railroads? Farms the land? The list of what men do to keep society running smoothly seems endless, yet most of us take the men who do these jobs for granted.
The men who do this work for us would be elated if we noticed and acknowledged them more often, perhaps by smiling, waving, or saying thank you as a way of showing gratitude and appreciation for their hard work.
Recap
Men value simplicity because they value their freedom.
Men’s brains are compartmentalized to enable them to laser focus.
Men are sensitive beneath their cool exteriors.
Men are internal and contemplative when it comes to their feelings.
Men are decisive, which enables them to get things done.
Men are protectors, and they love to be our heroes.
Men are chivalrous out of respect for our feminine natures.
Men love to be rescuers because it makes them feel valued and masculine.
Men are honor-driven; they want to be honorable so that we’ll admire them.
Men are biologically programmed to produce and provide for us.
Men love to solve problems, from broken lamps to broken hearts.
Men love to build things.
Men are accomplishment-driven.
Men don’t wait to get their needs met because they need strength for their mission.
Men need to win in life, and they need to win with us.
Men seek challenges and risks; it’s fun for them.
Men protect our survival. We could not have survived without them.
Explorations and Journaling
Now that you have read this chapter, make a new list of the characteristics you find masculine in a man. Compare this list with the one you made at the end of chapter one.
Of those characteristics, which are the top five you admire most? Why? Elaborate on each.
How do you feel when a man performs a chivalrous act for you?
Have you verbally or nonverbally admired a man lately for what he does? If so, explain what you did and how it went.
Have you ever experienced a man coming to your rescue? How did you respond?
What labor-saving devices, invented by men, make you feel most grateful?
Do you generally accept a man’s protection of you? If not, why not? If you do, how does it make you feel?
In what ways do you make a man feel safe to open his heart to you?
What are some observations you have about the men in your life and how they think differently from you as a woman?
Chapter 4
Restoring Masculine-Feminine Polarity
“Enlightened or not, you are either a man or a woman, so on the level of your form identity you are not complete. You are one-half of the whole. This incompleteness is felt as male-female attraction, the pull towards the opposite energy polarity, no matter how conscious you are.”
– Eckhart Tolle, author of The Power of Now
The Importance of Polarity
For the sake of love between men and women, we need to restore masculine and feminine polarity. Just as opposite poles of magnets irresistibly pull together, gender polarity creates a powerful, dynamic sexual attraction when the opposite poles of masculine and feminine come into proximity. The experience we women have when we feel a weak-in-the-knees urge to swoon around a man with potent masculine energy exemplifies the power of this magnetic polarity. Its power is so great we sometimes feel helpless to its beckoning.
We may see couples with a connection so strong, we wonder, “What’s their secret?” Most likely that secret is their polarity; their strongly contrasting masculine/feminine energies. Polarity is what creates the inner fire that enlivens us when we encounter our counterpart. Polarity is what makes us feel “crazy” about each other and inspires us to great heights. When we take our femininity away from relationships, we take away polarity.
The differences between men and women create a sexual tension that draws us powerfully toward each other. The interplay between the masculine and feminine balances us when we unite. Feminine attributes are complemented and enhanced by masculine attributes. Contrasts between masculine and feminine can create immense value for us because where one gender lacks a strength, the other is likely stronger.
As a metaphor, observe the yin-yang symbol representing complementary essences. One side is black and the other is white. Both are equal in size and value. There is no inferior or superior. Each side has a smaller circle in it with the opposite energy. Similarly, when united, the feminine and masculine principles are complementary yet equal, forming a whole greater than the sum of its parts.
So, why should differences between men and women be seen as problematic? Men realize that feminine women complement them. I found they freely admit that a feminine woman is of great value to them because they feel most masculine in her presence. As she admires and appreciates her man, he wants to further impress her to win even more of her admiration. Thus, her a
dmiration fuels his desire to provide for her and protect her. It’s a positive feedback loop that not only bonds the two together, but also makes both genders feel happy and fulfilled.
Results of Insufficient Polarity
“Men and women have inadvertently become more and more sexually neutralized, unable to give each other what they really want in intimacy. We are restraining the fullness of the Masculine and the Feminine forces that lie within each of us.”
– David Deida, author of Intimate Communion
In our modern society, we often pride ourselves on our ability to be independent. However, our autonomy diminishes our collective ability to maintain satisfying, lifelong, committed relationships. This is evidenced not only by the divorce rate, but also in fewer couples getting married in the first place.
The main root of this failure to get together and stay together is insufficient polarity between men and women. It’s no secret our society has gradually but steadily encouraged women to become more like men, and men to become more like women. The result has been a blurring and devaluation of both genders.
Without polarity, we are reduced to lukewarm relationships at best. Romantic passions, ambitions for success and accomplishment diminish. The lives of both men and women devolve in a progressively colorless, boring direction, lacking the rich subtleties and flavors that make life worth living.
For several decades now, we have observed Western culture (through the media) emphasizing unfavorable stereotypes of the male abuser and female victim. Femininity has been portrayed as weak, ineffective, and subservient to the point of helplessness and victimization. At the same time, masculinity has been portrayed as domineering, abusive, and violent to the point where many men are apologetic simply for being a member of such a misperceived “evil gender”.
As society highlights the most negative aspects of both genders, depicting their darker sides and presenting images of masculinity and femininity at their worst, it’s no wonder we’ve turned our backs and shunned both genders.
For many of us women, our drive for independence has led us to develop our masculine persona to the extent that we claim to need men less and less. Feeling less needed, men have felt more rejected by women in general. In the meantime, as if to alleviate their sense of loss, society has encouraged men to get in touch with their “feminine side,” which has been depicted as being honorable, while shaming them for their natural masculine qualities.
When we criticize others’ differences, we promote mass conformity. If we want to preserve gender polarity, we must focus our attention on championing their best qualities, not condemning their worst. Otherwise, we risk getting stuck in a lukewarm, androgynous safety zone where men and women look and act alike, and find little attraction toward each other.
The trend of blurring gender roles is progressively creating a unisex society, causing mass confusion and dissatisfaction in our romantic relationships. If we continue in this direction of de-polarizing, our sexual passion will get weaker and weaker. So much is lost with little gained to compensate. With a foundation like this, no wonder so few couples find a deep, lasting bond.
If we want to live a life full of the excitement that becomes available to us through masculine-feminine polarities, we must find ways to allow men to be masculine and women to be feminine. Only then can we experience the thrilling tension of polarity that comes from the ensuing dance.
The Dance of the Trellis and Vine
Reflecting back to the trellis and vine allegory at the beginning of this book, have you ever observed a professional ballroom-dance couple? Notice how the male dancer resembles a trellis and the female dancer resembles a vine. The man holds the space and offers a straight structural support so that the woman can spin, twirl, turn, dip, and frolic around him. He provides the frame to show her off. He happily makes her the star, and together they are a beautiful sight. Observe the difference in their clothing and how well they complement each other. Similar to the trellis and the vine, he wears a simply structured suit, and she wears a colorful flowing dress or gown. It’s their perfect polarity that makes the dance so beautifully mesmerizing for us to watch.
Now imagine that these same two ballroom dancers were both wearing the same outfits and both trying to lead at the same time. It would be a train wreck and unappealing to watch! Healthy relationships are intended to be a dance where one leads and the other one follows. That’s why the most successful romantic relationships are based on respect for the opposite traits of the masculine and feminine essences.
Dr. Patricia Allen, author of the book Getting to ‘I Do,’ explains that in a relationship we need to determine whether we want to be the driver or the passenger. In order for a partnership to work smoothly, there can’t be two drivers. A feminine woman who prefers to be the passenger most of the time will want to attract a masculine man who prefers to be the driver most of the time. The opposite is true as well.
Gender polarity does not mean that men must always lead and women always follow. There will be times when, for a variety of reasons, it is better for the woman to lead and for the man to follow. For example, if the woman enjoys handling the bills, she can take the lead there. If the man has a passion for cooking, he can take charge in the kitchen. If they both dislike yardwork, they can hire a gardener. These kinds of details can be discussed and worked out by every couple. We don’t need “social engineers” telling couples what to do. As long as they maintain one driver and one passenger in any given area of their relationship, it has no negative impact on their inherent polarity.
Our Brains Are Different
There’s no denying that the brains of men and women differ significantly. Mother Nature designed men’s brains for focusing and hunting and women’s brains for gathering and relating. Each role requires distinct skills and abilities. For instance, women’s vision is dispersed while men’s vision is focused. We were created that way for a reason. As I mentioned before, in the past men needed laser-like vision to kill the tiger. They could not afford distractions, or they would risk being killed. Women needed good peripheral vision to gather berries and keep a watchful eye on their children at the same time.
When it comes to our biology, we haven’t changed in hundreds of thousands of years. Men are still laser focused. Today, men have adapted their focus to function effectively in the world of work and business. If they want to be successful, men can’t afford distractions. Women, on the other hand, still use their dispersed focus to observe multiple things at once. For example, at home a woman may watch her children, make dinner, and talk on the phone simultaneously. At work she may use her dispersed focus to juggle several tasks.
Different Does Not Mean Unequal
Our differences do not make us unequal. The abilities and strengths of the masculine and feminine are equal in value. Both energies are necessary for our survival and happiness. Although our identities differ, our worth is the same. Most men understand this.
Masculine men are the nuts and bolts, and feminine women are the enhancers. If you take away the masculine nuts and bolts, our infrastructure falls apart. If you take away the feminine enhancements, beauty and sensuality disappear.
As an example, both energies work as complements in the creating of a home. Men build our houses. They pour the solid foundations and install the plumbing, the electricity, the windows, and the doors. Women turn that house into a home by filling it with comfortable furnishings, colorful wall art, window coverings, and cozy touches to make it beautiful and inviting.
Masculinity and femininity are like apples and oranges. If you put apples and oranges on a scale, they would weigh about the same. They are both fruit, yet they have different shapes, colors, smells, textures, and tastes. An apple is not inherently more valuable than an orange. Each fruit has unique qualities that give it value. You can’t make orange juice from apples, and you can’t make apple pie from oranges. But if you combine them into a fruit salad, you create a wonderful medley of taste, texture, and colors.
Similarly, when the masculine and feminine harmonize, we also create something delicious and interesting. Rather than working so hard to be identical, why don’t we learn to appreciate and enjoy our differences? Why don’t we use both energies to make our relationships and our society flourish?
Observing Polarity in Color Complements
One way to visualize the polarity is to take two opposite colors on a color wheel and put them next to each other. Find something in your home that’s bright blue and something else bright orange. Now, place them next to each other. Notice how they intensify, accentuate, and highlight each other. The colors actually look brighter and more exciting together than they do alone. They don’t compete with one another, nor does one outshine the other.
Observing what happens when these complementary colors are placed side by side is a perfect analogy of what happens when masculinity and femininity get together. Each allows the other to shine by complementing the other. When coupled in a pair, the woman looks more beautiful and radiant, and the man is seen as better-looking and stronger.
On the other hand, if we mix the same blue and orange together, as in paint, we would get quite an unattractive color: a shade of mud. That’s what happens in a culture that tries to water down and blend the genders. It diminishes both.
When we keep the full spectrum of masculine and feminine, magic happens because we enhance each other’s colors in ways we can’t do on our own. That’s why we often find ourselves commenting that a couple looks good together, that they make a lovely couple, or that she makes him look good. Masculine men and feminine women complement each other beautifully. As long as we enhance and appreciate our differences, we can bring out the finest qualities in each other.
Simply Feminine � Surprising Insights from Men Page 5