Polarity Motivates Greatness
Gender polarity not only jump-starts romantic love, but also creates a motivating synergy that assists us in accomplishing amazing feats. Many men have been inspired to great heights by having a loving feminine woman by their side. Polarity between a man and woman acts like a fire in the belly that drives both to surpass anything they’ve ever done before. The inspiration from a man’s deep love for a woman or a woman’s deep love for a man has created many masterpieces in the arts, such as poetry, novels, paintings, and music.
This love has also given rise to many revolutionary inventions and scientific achievements that would not have been created otherwise. For instance, it was the inspiration of Alexander Graham Bell’s beloved wife Mabel, who was completely deaf from the age of five, that helped motivate him to greatness. While he was courting her, she urged him to put off marriage until his experiments were complete. Hence, he invented the telephone, married Mabel, and became rich and famous. History recalls scores of other such stories.
“The pages of history are filled with the records of great leaders whose achievements may be traced directly to the influence of women who aroused the creative faculties of their minds, through the stimulation of sex desire.”
– Napoleon Hill, Author of Think and Grow Rich
And so, to live an inspired and interesting life, we should delight in our differences. As much as we might try to deny it, we need two distinct genders. The world needs the best of both masculine and feminine to thrive.
Recap
We’re having trouble forming lasting relationships today because men and women are losing polarity by losing our distinctions.
Polarity is important because it creates magnetic sexual attraction that brings us together to form relationships.
A world without polarity would be colorless, boring, and un-motivating.
The dance of complementary genders can be compared to the trellis and the vine.
There has to be one driver and one passenger for a relationship to work; we can reverse roles as long as we maintain balance.
Male and female brains are remarkably different and give us different innate abilities, but different does not mean unequal.
Distinct genders complement each other by bringing different gifts.
Like color complements, opposites bring out the best in each other when they are seen in contrast.
Polarity can motivate us to greatness.
Explorations and Journaling
In what specific ways have you noticed the genders blurring, if any?
What does gender polarity mean to you?
Why do you think we have stopped celebrating the inherent differences between men and women?
If you abandoned your femininity at any point, what did you gain in exchange?
What are your favorite aspects of being a female?
In what areas of life would you like a man to be stronger or more capable than you?
In what areas would you like to bring out more of your femininity?
In observing polarity in color complements, put opposite colors such as blue and orange next to each other to see how they enhance one another. Describe what you notice.
When you go out, notice couples that complement one another. Articulate why they work well together.
Next time you see a trellis and vine, stop to observe how they complement each other. Write out what you observe.
Think of ways you can create more excitement with men using the principles of polarity.
Chapter 5
Has “Need” Become a Four-Letter Word?
“Men and women are like two feet; they need each other to get ahead.”
– Dr. Helen Fisher
Our Aversion to the Word “Need”
As a whole, we women seem to be proud of not needing a man. We can even wear it like a badge of honor. However, we have no idea how this kind of pride destroys a man’s adoration for us.
We’ve come to believe that autonomy is synonymous with strength. As part of our cultural emphasis on independence, we have heard repeatedly that we are not supposed to need a man in our lives. We have been led to believe there is something wrong with us if we say we “need” a man, and we have been conditioned to deny these thoughts and feelings as though needing a man is an unpardonable sin. Even if we secretly admit to ourselves we need a man, we don’t dare say it aloud. Many of us disappear into a closet with our needs, where we pretend to be perfectly happy—independent and alone.
Men have described a modern-day trend in women’s online dating profiles in which women write that they “don’t need a man, they just want a man.” However, this statement does not endear a woman to them; in fact, they tell me it turns them off. Men need to feel useful to women, but how can they feel useful if we claim we don’t need them?
Sure, we can exist without a man, but that isn’t living life to the fullest. Quality men can add so much to our lives if we let them. The right man opens the door to our heart more than we can for ourselves. He can add more safety, happiness, support, and fulfillment to our lives. Good men see to it that our needs and desires are met. They even enjoy taking care of our simplest needs—for example, when they bring us coffee in bed, open our car door, put gas in our car, or carry our heavy groceries. Of course we are capable of performing these acts ourselves, but we feel nurtured and honored when a man does them for us.
“Needing” is Not the Same as “Neediness”
Regrettably, our society has conflated the word need with neediness, making both words seem weak and undesirable. But there is a big difference between a “needy” woman and a woman who needs her man.
A “needy” woman pulls energy from her man until he is depleted. She’s more of a taker than a gracious receiver. She appears to be a bottomless pit who is never satisfied. She is never happy. For a man, this is death to the relationship because his main objective is to make his woman happy. Eventually he feels so used up that he is unable to send any more energy her way. Both partners in such a codependent relationship end up drained of their energy.
By contrast, a woman who needs her man in a healthy way comes from a place of authenticity and vulnerability. She understands her limitations and can admit her need for a complementary energy from a place of courage and receptivity. She can bravely say that she needs her man because he can do things she can’t do or has no desire to do. He adds much value to her life.
Needing Each Other Is Mother Nature’s Design
It is in our nature to need each other. Aristotle once said, “The whole is greater than the sum of its parts.” When two people unite, their effort and energy create a greater synergistic result. A man and woman working together in a relationship are many times more effective than when working separately.
If our strengths were all the same, how could we help each other? We are all created with different strengths and limitations. There is no shame in acknowledging that and celebrating the opportunity this represents to bring us together. Sharing life with the right man not only makes our lives easier, it can make our lives more fun.
As a species, we are safer together than alone. Some may be surprised to learn that humans are among the weakest animal species. Of all the animals, human babies are helpless for the longest period of time—unlike, say, newborn colts that stand up almost immediately after birth. Fortunately, our human intelligence and our ability to form couples, families, tribes, and communities give us advantages over the rest of the animal kingdom.
Beneath Every Want Is a Need
Needs underlie all human action. If we want to travel the world, we may have an underlying need for freedom, expansion, or to satisfy our curiosity. Whenever we want anything, even a new pair of designer heels, that desire always represents a deeper need. For instance, the need to feel attractive and admired by others may underlie the desire to be fashionable. Underneath the need to be attractive and admired may be a need for security or love.
We have two ba
sic needs: physical survival and emotional fulfillment. Even our desire to thrive is based on these two primary needs. We don’t need luxuries like expensive clothes or exotic cars to survive, but we think they’ll make us happy, attractive and even more loveable. If we pursue luxuries as a means to temporarily experience a thrill, excitement, or delight, they may serve us well. If we are trying to find inner contentment or love through them, we may find only empty feelings, as material luxuries cannot meet these higher needs.
The Myth of Our Independence
“The woman’s movement brought us independence but it did not bring us love.”
– Dr. Patricia Allen, Author of Getting to ‘I Do’
On a recent solo road trip to Northern California and just before I was to head back home to San Diego, my iPhone crashed while I was in unfamiliar territory. It could not have happened at a worse time. I felt lost almost immediately. A feeling of panic came over me as I realized how dependent I’d become on my little smartphone. I had no GPS for my trip back to San Diego. I had no Google to find a Chipotle for dinner on my way home. I had no phone to contact anyone in the event of a breakdown or to tell my friends I had arrived safely. I had to ask complete strangers for the time and for directions. It didn’t take long for me to realize how much I needed others; I was so thankful that a few kind strangers were there to help. The experience served to remind me how fragile our technology can be and how helpless we can feel when we lose its false sense of security.
We can become complacent with all the conveniences we’ve come to take for granted. So when we come to realize the fragility of these structures and how quickly they can all come apart for a variety of reasons, we can start to feel our vulnerability. Some of us have forgotten that most of these conveniences were invented by men, to please us women by making our lives easier and safer. For example, if we ever suffered a natural catastrophe that took down our electrical grid or transportation infrastructure, we could be back to primitive conditions within a remarkably short amount of time. Deprived of our conveniences, most of us would feel grateful to have physically and emotionally strong men around to help. By keeping this in mind, we can feel a sense of gratitude toward men for their contributions to our lives, both in the form of conveniences that we rely on, and for potential help they can provide whenever we may need them.
“Interdependence” Is the Key to Flourishing Relationships
According to Dr. Patricia Allen, there are three relationship styles: the codependent style, the independent style, and the interdependent style. “Codependent” and “independent” relationship styles are ineffective at maintaining enriching, thriving, long-lasting relationships.
In the “codependent” relationship, one partner is a giver; the other partner is a taker whose demands or needs exceed what the giver can comfortably give. The result is that the giver is continuously drained of energy. The bottom line is that if the relationship energy exchange is not reciprocal, it is not sustainable.
The “independent” relationship style consists of two people sharing a 50/50 relationship. They see splitting the bills and household duties evenly as a way of having a fair and equal relationship. They keep score, making sure each holds up their end of the arrangement. Independent relationships resemble roommate situations and can end up being more functional than romantic. These relationships and marriages lack polarity, passion, and deep bonding, which can eventually contribute to their demise. They fall apart the moment someone better comes along.
The healthiest relationship style is the “interdependent” style. It’s marked by two people who love each other and who blend and share their unique talents and skills. Each person gives his or her gifts fully to the relationship without condition or scorekeeping. They give out of love, not obligation. Interdependent relationships create a healthy loop of giving and receiving. We reciprocate with our time, resources, abilities, and affection in exchange for our partner fulfilling our needs. To illustrate, a woman in an interdependent relationship with a man contributes all of her feminine energy to her man, and at the same time, he contributes all of his masculine energy to his woman. Both partners receive far more energy than they give, thanks to the alchemy of bringing two opposite energies together.
The interdependent style respects and appreciates each gender’s strengths. The keys to a successful interdependent relationship are mutual chemistry, communication, compatibility, and commitment.
The Story of My Aunt Helen and Uncle Asa’s Marriage
My Aunt Helen and Uncle Asa met while he was painting the exterior of the building where she worked. He chatted and flirted with her every time he saw her. She was forty-one, he was seventy-one, and neither had ever married before. Despite their thirty-year age difference, he soon asked her out. Uncle Asa fell in love with my aunt Helen almost immediately, and she also had feelings for him on their first date. To our family’s surprise, they married just three months later on Valentine’s Day.
They loved each other completely, as they enjoyed a healthy interdependent relationship. Each gave the best of what they had without holding back. They never kept score because they didn’t have to. Love fueled their marriage. Rather than giving 50/50, they each gave 100 percent. In addition to mutual respect, they teased, played, and laughed together cheerfully every day. Their lives together were filled with joy.
Since they married later in their lives, they celebrated an anniversary every month. Uncle Asa knew that my aunt Helen loved red roses and chocolates. So, on the fourteenth of every month, he brought home chocolates and roses. Each month, she expressed the same childlike delight. In all their years together, they never fell out of love.
Before marrying Asa, my aunt Helen had been a highly capable single woman. Yet in their relationship, she allowed my uncle to care for her. He opened her car door, pulled out her chair, and always held her hand. Although he wasn’t rich, he showered her with flowers and gifts. In return, she built him up in front of others and never uttered a negative word about him. She cooked his favorite meals with utmost care and watched his favorite Western movies even though she had little interest in them.
The only issue I ever heard them fight about was who was going to do the dishes. My aunt would insist, “Honey, you worked hard all day. Now you just go sit in the living room and relax and I’ll do the dishes.” Then he would respond, “No, no, you made the dinner. I’ll do the dishes. You go sit down and relax.” They would go around and around like that every night.
Because she was such a good example of a happy and radiant wife, my aunt Helen was asked to give seminars for young women, which she called “Feminars.” She taught women how to create a happy marriage by being feminine for a man. I’ll never forget how the young women looked up to her as a role model. In fact, everyone they knew admired their special love and devotion.
Uncle Asa knew what a rare treasure he had with my aunt, so he always treated her with dignity. She was his queen. And in turn, just as in the game of chess, where the queen protects the king, Aunt Helen protected Uncle Asa. Even many years after my uncle passed away, my aunt still spoke of Asa with light in her eyes as she described the happiest years of her life with him. Their happy marriage proves what is possible in a healthy interdependent-style relationship.
Mutual Needs Bind Us Together
“The god of love lives in a state of need. It is a need. It is an urge. It is a homeostatic imbalance. Like hunger and thirst, it’s almost impossible to stamp out.”
– Plato
To form thriving partnerships and long-term committed relationships, it’s our needs that bring us together and keep us together. Without the sharing of needs, no genuine intimacy can exist.
In the 1986 Woody Allen movie Hannah and Her Sisters, Elliot (played by Michael Caine), who’s married to Hannah (played by Mia Farrow), has a wild crush on his wife’s younger sister, Lee. Hannah is remarkably self-sufficient and is always taking care of others, while seeming to have no needs. Her younger sister, Lee, s
eems to have plenty of needs and expresses them openly. When Hannah confronts her husband Elliot about his interest in Lee, he responds, “I need someone I can matter to. It’s hard to be around someone who gives so much and needs so little in return.” Hannah pleads, “But, look, I have enormous needs.” Elliot replies, “Well, I can’t see them.”
The best part of needing others is the bond it creates when we know we can count on one another. Needing one another creates deep appreciation for the love and gifts the other brings to the table. When we stand in awe of the capabilities of our man, he feels appreciated and valued.
Another example is in the 2004 movie Shall We Dance. Susan Sarandon expressed it well when she told her husband, played by Richard Gere:
“We need a witness to our lives. There are billions of people on the planet. … I mean, what does any one life really mean? But in a marriage, you’re promising to care about everything. The good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things … all of it, all of the time, every day. You’re saying, ‘Your life will not go unnoticed because I will notice it. Your life will not go un-witnessed because I will be your witness.’”
Nearly all the people in history who achieved greatness were either married or coupled. We can choose to live our lives alone, without a relationship. But if we want to grow and experience the greatest joys that come from sharing and connecting, it will most likely happen in a committed relationship or marriage. Thriving, enriching, loving relationships are the best platform from which to achieve our greatest potential.
When we deny our needs, we deny our humanity because we are being inauthentic with ourselves and others. The path to embodying our true feminine nature includes taking back ownership of our basic humanity.
Simply Feminine � Surprising Insights from Men Page 6