Men care about meaning in their work. It’s not so much about the work itself. It’s about their work being useful and meaningful. A man wants to know that his work made a difference in the life of his woman, or in others. When men receive gratitude and recognition, it confirms for them that they did meaningful work. If we don’t tell them, how will they know?
Men Need Affection
Of course men need sex, but for us to think sex is all they want when it comes to physical affection is to not understand them. We women don’t realize how much men depend on touch. Men need simple affections because they see them as a form of admiration. To a man, affection and admiration go hand in hand.
“When I’m talking with a woman, I love it when she occasionally touches me on the arm or shoulder. That tells me she’s interested in what I’m saying, which makes me feel masculine.”
– Rick, engineer, San Diego
When men are babies and youngsters, they receive ample affection from their mothers, but at a certain age, they are expected to pull away from their mothers as they become more independent. From that time on until they have a girlfriend or wife, most men rarely get touched. Even married men can be touch-starved if their wives are not affectionate. And if a man gets divorced, he may endure little-to-no touch for years.
“Men suffer more from lack of physical touch than women do. Men rely on their partner for intimacy and touch.”
– Irving, Engineer, San Diego
We often don’t realize the longing men have because we women have many more opportunities to touch and be touched. We don’t know what it means to be touch-starved. Women can freely touch other women, women can touch children, and women can touch men—even at work. But because of our societal norms, men are extremely limited in whom they can and can’t touch.
I found through my conversations with men that one of the top ways men feel loved is though physical touch.
“It’s so true that as a man, I need affection, though it’s not a subject that most men are comfortable discussing. I wish there was more I could do to help women realize this, but it’s not an easy thing to bring up in anything but a fairly intimate setting. I feel very vulnerable talking about it. I think most men need affection but few would openly admit it, for fear of appearing needy or weak.”
– Paul, Quebec, Canada
Men Need Us to Enjoy Their Humor
Men need women to be receptive to their humor in a positive, lighthearted way. Doing so allows them to freely express the fun-loving, humorous side of their masculinity. When we admire them for their engaging wit, they feel rewarded for their efforts to entertain and amuse us.
A man treasures the experience of sharing the fun-loving, humorous side of himself with the special woman in his life. There’s a special quality of admiration in her playful response that he cannot experience with anyone else. This kind of admiration may sound frivolous and unimportant, but nothing could be further from the truth. Making a woman laugh is, in fact, a key source of how a man rests and recharges away from pursuing his primary mission or job.
“For a man, hearing a woman laugh is like the murmur of a bubbling fountain—deeply refreshing for his psyche.”
–Rob
When a woman is lighthearted and receptive to a man’s admittedly mischievous humor and fun-loving expressions, he can relax around her and get his basic needs met, which brings more intimacy and authenticity to the relationship.
Men Need a Confidante
A man may be a lone wolf, but he still needs to be intimately understood by at least one person in the world, sharing his deepest feelings and emotions with that person. He longs for a confidante with whom he can share his hopes, ambitions, and fears without risk of ridicule or judgment.
A man wants to share his feelings with us, especially the feelings he can’t share with anyone else. We become the only one who understands him completely and can offer comfort, empathy, and support.
But as a man’s only confidante we are expected to keep his confidences. He needs us to be a safe harbor for him by guarding his secrets. It’s crucial to him we don’t share his thoughts and feelings with anyone else, for doing so exposes him to potential ridicule from others. If he suspects we are gossiping with our girlfriends about his innermost secrets, he will feel betrayed and will stop sharing his confidences with us.
Men Need Admiration
By this point in the chapter you will have figured out what men need most from us. To use an analogy, all the needs I’ve mentioned so far are spokes connected to one hub—and that hub is admiration! Since most men struggle in a world that doesn’t admire them, they look to their female partner to meet this need.
So, just as women need adoration, men need admiration. When a woman admires a man, it is much easier for him to adore her. When we admire him, we give him a precious gift, the gift of feeling masculine. If a woman can’t admire the man she’s with, she’s with the wrong man.
Here are some attributes for which men wish to be admired:
Good character, physical strength, protection, dependability, honesty, honor, trustworthiness, courage, good provider, intellect, good lover, respectful of women, chivalry, knowledge, loyalty, integrity, and competence.
Ways to Show Admiration for Your Man:
Speaking words of affirmation and appreciation.
Telling others how much you admire him.
Giving him a heartfelt smile that lets him know you love him.
Being affectionate or cuddling.
Responding to him sexually, and, on occasion, approaching him.
Allowing him uninterrupted alone time.
Asking for his opinion—and then taking his advice.
Making yourself attractive and feminine for him.
Wearing a dress he loves on you when you go out together.
Letting him do tasks without correcting him, criticizing him, or making him feel uncomfortable.
Allowing him to be your hero by helping you with a problem.
Telling him you’re proud of him.
Trusting him.
Listening to him without interrupting.
Keeping his secrets.
If Aphrodite were to tell us only one secret about men, this would be it: Of all the things men need from us, admiration matters most. They need admiration more than they need love and … drum roll… even more than they need sex! By applying this crucial piece of knowledge, you will be amazed at how quickly it can enhance your love life with men.
Here is the main point you need to remember from this chapter:
“You admire him—he adores you.”
Recap
Men need to feel masculine.
Men need to feel needed so that they can be our heroes.
Being trusted is more important to men than being loved.
Men need to feel appreciated for all they do for women and for society.
Men need alone time to recharge.
Men need to win with us; we can make it easier for them by giving them detailed lists of what we want.
Men need to know their role so that they can focus and accomplish those things.
Men need our affection. Receiving affection is one way men feel admired.
Men need to confide in us and know we will guard their secrets.
Men need to feel admired by us for their masculine attributes.
Explorations and Journaling
Practice acknowledging a man for his masculine traits: physical strength, logic, bravery, and decisiveness. Observe how he responds and write it down.
Make a detailed and concrete “honey-do” list that tells your man what you need. Avoid making it too long or laborious. And when he’s finished, don’t add more.
What do you trust your man the most for? The least?
Do you allow your man alone time, or do you often interrupt him? If so, how does he respond?
Do you have set roles or unspoken assumptions in your relationship? Write out who does what. How is it working?
Do you regularly show your man affection in addition to sex? If so, in what ways?
Does your man confide in you? If so, do you keep his secrets? Journal about things you gossip to your girlfriends about and why.
Do you admire your man? Have you expressed your admiration to him? If not, why not?
Try an idea or two from the above list “Ways to Show Admiration for Your Man.” Journal your man’s reaction.
Part 2
Chapter 7
Feminine Attitudes Men Love
“Our generation is becoming so busy trying to prove that women can do what men can do that women are losing their uniqueness. Women weren’t created to do everything a man can do. They were created to do everything a man can’t.”
– Unknown
By design, this chapter reiterates some themes of what men need that were covered in the previous chapter, but from the viewpoint of how we women can meet those needs by being feminine.
Inner Beauty Multiplies Our Outer Beauty Tenfold
Although our outward appearances attract men initially, it’s our feminine attitudes that capture their hearts and make them commit to us, care for us, and protect us for a lifetime. Therefore, it stands to reason we should spend at least as much time or more on our inner beauty as we do on our outer beauty. A positive, happy inner attitude radiates beauty, whereas a negative, bitter attitude exudes an unappealing quality—even if we’re a raving beauty on the outside.
In this chapter, I cover the feminine personality traits that make us more appealing to men. As we incorporate these into our repertoire, these attitudes work to draw men closer. We sometimes delude ourselves into thinking that our view of ourselves and the world is “just how things are.” In reality, it is just a story we have bought into from influences of family, church, television, culture, and other sources. The truth is, we can choose a different, more empowering story, and this change in perspective can happen very quickly. The moment we see something in a new light; that wonderful aha! moment, we can change our lives forever. Pay close attention as we cover these feminine attitudes in detail because we never know when we will have that magical moment when we create a new, wonderful story for ourselves, and our friends start to ask, “What happened to you? You seem so different …”
Men Love Our Happiness
Men adore women who radiate happiness because seeing a woman who’s happy is one of their top sources of joy. And so making the woman happy makes a man feel purposeful in his relationship with her; keeping us happy is one of the ways men feel they can win with us. Our joy inspires them to provide, protect, and care for us. Often, a man will do something for his woman simply because he knows it makes her happy. He does this because his woman’s happiness makes him feel like a good, masculine man. And in return, when he does this, he feels masculine.
Unfortunately, when we are generally negative, sad, or angry, it takes away from our overall attractiveness. That is not to say we won’t have our moments when we feel unhappy or angry, but choosing to be happy and upbeat can make such a difference in the way we feel. Reality is whatever we make it. We can transform our lives from a painful struggle into a joyous journey simply by shifting to a positive mindset and seeing possibility in place of difficulty.
“You are the designer of your destiny; you are the author of your story.”
– Lisa Nichols, Author of No Matter What
One thing I did to help change my mindset was to stop watching the news with all its negative messages. For that matter, I stopped watching any TV or movies that were violent, tragic, or scary. Now, besides having more time, I feel much more optimistic!
If we choose to live as happy women, we must continually feed our minds positive messages. Our subconscious mind is like a computer that picks up information around us constantly. It doesn’t know the difference between what is real and what is imagined. If we think the TV doesn’t affect our beliefs and attitudes, it just means we are hopelessly shackled to it and in denial of its power over us.
Maintaining a cheerful mental attitude may also mean letting go of certain toxic, negative friends whose attitudes drain our energy and bring us down. No, we cannot change them, so we need to respectfully let them go instead of resenting them for bringing negative energy into our lives.
One way to understand the happiness that men adore is to think of a joyful moment in your life. Recall how your face radiated happiness, your voice sounded vibrant, and your eyes lit up. Take a mental snapshot of that moment because those happy moments are when you’re the most beautiful to men. We can bring this moment back whenever we want, just by remembering and getting into the feeling.
Tips to Becoming Happier:
Taking responsibility for ourselves is the first step to our happiness.
Others are not to blame for what’s wrong in our lives. We create our own reality through our thinking, words, conversations, and self-talk.
Once we realize that we create our own destiny, we have the power to change it.
Smile often. Besides melting men’s hearts, a smile is an instant face-lift.
Release anger, and forgive others often.
Meditate daily or practice yoga.
Move away from toxic, negative friends who are energy vampires.
Find a happiness example or coach—someone who is happy most of the time.
Start a gratitude journal and write what you’re grateful for every morning. It works like magic. Gratitude is the most direct way to happiness.
Practice reframing the past from a positive viewpoint. Let go of the old, negative story and create a new story that feels great.
Make a game of turning every lemon in life into lemonade.
Focus on bringing a smile to someone else’s face through kindness and warmth.
Make a list of exciting people, places, and activities to explore every day.
Set aside some time every day for relaxation and fun.
Be creative. Take a painting class, join a writers’ group, or enroll in a photography club.
Substitute negative TV shows and violent or scary movies with positive, inspiring information, activities, and friends.
Never compete with others. Instead, focus on self-development and only compete with yourself. No feelings of envy or jealousy come from that.
Try something new. Nothing opens us up more than something new, even if it’s driving home on a different route or trying a new recipe for dinner.
Read positive, uplifting books to quickly and easily change moods and outlook.
Attend personal development seminars, workshops, classes, and/or camps. We are living beings, and if we are not growing, we are dying. Growing is a lot more fun.
My Happiness Teacher
My happiness teacher is someone I grew up with. No matter what life throws her way, she maintains a great attitude. She laughs often and is full of fun. Everyone she meets is a new friend. She displays a high level of trust in others, and she always gives people the benefit of the doubt. She loves to joke around and tease. She never gossips or judges anyone. She has no fear of being judged. People are happy to see her because she radiates energy that brings a smile to everyone’s face. To me, she represents the best example of what is possible for humanity.
She is my big sister Ruth, who displays these wonderful qualities even though she suffered severe brain damage at birth. Her positive qualities are something we all have at our core, yet she naturally lets these qualities shine through without overcomplicating things, which could be seen as a blessing in disguise from her early-life incident. I am convinced she was put on this Earth as an angel to teach love and to be an example of how wonderful life can be. I feel blessed to have her as my sister. She smiles at me whenever I remind her that she is my happiness teacher.
Men Love Our Classiness
In talking with men, I find that they speak often about classiness in women. To men, being classy is much more than just the way we dress. It’s also about attitude. Classin
ess means making men feel good about themselves when they’re around us. Classiness is about making men feel masculine by treating them with respect, trust, and admiration. Classiness, according to men, means being a woman of quality who doesn’t resort to passive-aggressive, shaming, emasculating behavior, even in the midst of a heated disagreement.
Men seek women who value honesty and integrity. They want women who treat people with kindness and respect. For instance, if a woman thrives on gossip, a man will not trust her with his innermost thoughts and feelings.
By being honest with ourselves and our hearts, we will attract better quality men. An added benefit of being classy is having increased self-respect, which builds self-love. A quality man will move heaven and earth for a woman with a heart of gold.
Men Love Our Kindness
“Choose being kind over being right and you’ll be right every time.”
– Richard Carlson
While men’s natures tend to be direct and mission-oriented, heart attributes like kindness and compassion are part of our female nature from birth. While being “nice” can be faked, kindness cannot. Our natural kindness comes out when we see a tiny baby or newborn puppy. Men see kindness, sweetness, compassion, and empathy as desirable feminine traits. When men observe our sweetness, they are in awe. When we are warm and caring to others, they perceive us as more beautiful. Men are inspired by our compassion, and it makes them yearn to be near our sweet, loving energy.
It’s no accident that nature blessed women with an extra dose of heart qualities. We need these qualities because we are the gatekeepers of relationships. Women need kindness and compassion to nourish those closest with tender loving care. This creates fertile ground for others to grow and flourish. Never underestimate the influence of sweetness and gentleness! In addition to being wives and girlfriends, women are the mothers who nurture little boys and girls who will grow up to be our future men and women—what an incredibly important role! Men understand the undeniable treasure of mothers. They know that the hand that rocks the cradle is the hand that rules the world.
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