My kindergarten teacher read to our class one of Aesop’s fables called The North Wind and the Sun. It made an impact on me that I will never forget.
The North Wind boasted of great strength. The Sun argued there was great power in gentleness.
“We shall have a contest,” said the Sun.
Far below, a man traveled a winding road. He was wearing a warm winter coat.
“As a test of strength,” said the Sun, “let us see which of us can take the coat off of that man.”
“It will be quite simple for me to force him to remove his coat,” bragged the Wind.
The Wind blew so hard, the birds clung to the trees. The world was filled with dust and leaves. But the harder the wind blew down the road, the tighter the shivering man clung to his coat.
Then, the Sun came out from behind a cloud. Sun warmed the air and the frosty ground. The man on the road unbuttoned his coat.
The Sun grew slowly brighter and brighter.
Soon the man felt so hot, he took off his coat and sat down in a shady spot.
“How did you do that?” said the Wind.
“It was easy,” said the Sun. “I lit the day. Through gentleness I got my way.”
Men Love Our Authenticity
According to men, one of the most attractive attributes a woman can have is her confidence. And at the root of true confidence is the courage to be authentic.
Authenticity comes from a place inside that transcends ego, looking good, and people-pleasing. Quality men want genuineness in a woman, not games, tricks, or other manipulations. That’s why they don’t see arrogant women as being confident. Men usually see right through this fakeness, and it does not honor them as human beings who deserve our honesty. Instead, it’s a form of emasculation. If you can’t be honest with the man you’re with, why are you with him?
Men are attracted to women who are not only comfortable with their femininity, but who relish it. An authentic woman is courageous enough to listen to her inner voice and be true to her own heart. She lives according to her own values, not the values of others or society.
When we make decisions based on fear of what others will think, we feel uneasy because people will always have an opinion of what we do, and we’ll never make everyone happy. Decisions based on fear often end up hurting ourselves and others because they go against our own heart’s desire. We end up living in a self-made prison of cognitive dissonance, when our actions are not consistent with our beliefs and our spirits aren’t free.
Authenticity means being comfortable looking at every aspect of ourselves, even the parts we don’t think are so adorable. If we are willing to open up to men about our less-than-perfect traits, men will feel safe to open up about their authentic less-than-perfect selves too. They will see our humanness, which endears us to them.
The greatest benefit for us in having the courage to reveal our true authenticity is that it promotes high self-worth. That is priceless.
Men Love Our Vulnerability
Vulnerability is closely related to authenticity. We can’t be fully authentic without first being vulnerable. This willingness to be deeply open and transparent makes us irresistible to a man. One reason vulnerability is so attractive to a man is that he has a deep need to be needed and to be protective of us. Our vulnerability brings out the hero in him.
So why is the thought of being vulnerable so frightening to us? Perhaps it is because we fear the hurt and rejection that might come when we unmask our real selves. Vulnerability takes courage because we have to surrender to our fears of being seen and known. It feels scary because it requires getting naked emotionally and we could get hurt.
Most of us carry past relationship wounds of some kind, which can make being vulnerable a scary proposition. It is important as women that we first listen to and trust our intuition to determine when to be vulnerable and when not to be. Yet to have real intimacy in a romantic relationship we must be willing to be vulnerable. Without vulnerability, we are prone to being hollow and rigid. We miss out on the rich, close connection with the man we love. We cannot experience genuine love or intimacy without vulnerability.
Once we have chosen a good man and opened ourselves to him, we receive the best rewards. We find that as we are more vulnerable, our man is too. Men want to feel safe to express their uncertainties to us, but they are not likely to open up if we won’t be vulnerable with them. It’s the intimacy of sharing secrets and intimate details that sets our hearts free and serves as a bonding force in couples.
Being vulnerable is not only a gift we give ourselves, it’s also a gift of freedom for our men.
Men have consistently expressed to me the desire for a woman to be authentic and vulnerable instead of putting up the pretense of perfection. Here are some comments I’ve heard from men:
“It’s vulnerability that establishes trust.”
– Bill
“When a woman is vulnerable, it brings out the chivalrous side of me. I think it’s now a safe place for me to be authentic.
It builds trust.”
– Irvin
“Femininity is showing vulnerability, sensitivity, tears, and trust. Vulnerability is a sign of trust and appreciation. It is something to be treasured, protected and never violated. It is a positive move in a relationship, a sign of opening, a sign of courage. It’s positive communication in both friendship and romance. I welcome it with deep appreciation, care, and reverence.”
– Paul J.
Men Love Our Receptiveness
Men love to give to their women, but they find it hard to give if women aren’t receptive to their offerings. It disappoints men when women don’t openly receive their gifts (help, service, chivalry, support) because it makes them feel unappreciated.
Receptivity is a feminine quality that’s irresistible to men. To be receptive means to be responsive, approachable, and accessible. Our receptiveness makes men feel masculine because it indicates we trust them to take the lead in a particular area.
Being receptive is not easy for most of us these days because it involves letting go of independence. Switching to our feminine receptive energy can be challenging when we arrive home from doing masculine jobs. To be receptive, we can’t remain inflexible. We can soften our resistance by letting go of the day and relaxing and being gracious receivers. Saying “yes,” “thank you,” “please,” and “that would be wonderful” to the men who love us and want to give to us.
Men have told me that they love to compliment us on our looks, our outfit, our talents, our cooking, and our skills. And they love it when we receive and appreciate their compliments. But many women reject these verbal gifts by downplaying or not believing them. We often think men are just being nice, trying to lure us into bed, or devising another ulterior motive. The vast majority of men are sincere when they give us a compliment, and if we receive their compliments graciously, it shows a delightful openness.
One aspect of receptivity is allowing, which men find refreshingly feminine. To be more allowing, we must look at what we resist. Even if we aren’t fully aware of it, most of us subconsciously resist situations and people on a daily basis. We have a difficult time trusting ourselves or others. But, each time we resist something or someone, we limit our experiences and hinder new possibilities. And so, to allow, we must overcome our resistances.
Most resistance stems from fear of the unknown. Our ego keeps us safe by holding us in our comfort zone. Recall times in your life when you said no to something simply because it was new and unfamiliar. You might say, “Oh, I would never go camping,” or “I never stay up past 9:30 p.m.,” or “I don’t do mornings,” or “I’m not a computer person,” or “I don’t wear dresses.” Can’t, won’t, don’t, and never are all words we use when we are resisting.
Allowing, on the other hand, is about saying “yes” to what resonates with our hearts. We often say “no” to things that could transform our lives for the better—like saying “no” to a trip to Europe or “no” to
a local painting class or simply saying “no” to a first date when we could have said “yes.” We get stuck in a cycle of our habits, which can make us rigid over time. We can break out of this cycle just by asking ourselves, “Am I doing this out of habit? Or out of fear? Is there an opportunity to grow by choosing differently next time?”
Just making this small adjustment can keep us moving forward, keep us fresh, exciting, and youthful. We can reinvent our lives by doing something we’ve never done before, even if we don’t think we’ll be good at it. Our world can open up if we allow more and resist less.
Look again at the trellis and the vine allegory. The feminine vine is never inflexible or rigid; she flows and adapts to her surroundings. She’s never stagnant. She’s ever moving, ever changing. The beautiful vine can do this because she is receptive to the support of her trellis. She doesn’t tell him she’s not interested in his helping hand. She doesn’t tell him she prefers to do it alone. She openly accepts his gifts.
Another attribute of receptivity is being approachable. Men can sense whether or not we’re approachable. They sense when it’s safe to strike up a conversation with us.
When we are approachable and feminine, men are drawn to us. They see us as receptive when we embody an attitude of liking men. For example, by smiling, making eye contact, and projecting through our body language, men we’re attracted to know we are welcoming.
Men Love Our Admiration of Them
Think of admiration as the “holy grail” of feminine qualities. Just as with a man’s need for trust, men need women’s admiration more than they need our love. They need it more than sex! So it’s highly beneficial to develop various ways of admiring men. Every time we meet a man, we can ask ourselves what we can admire about him. We can do this even with men who aren’t relationship potential. This is good practice for appreciating masculinity in general. We may be surprised by the positive outcome of focusing on men’s good masculine qualities. On an energetic level, men can feel our acceptance and admiration, and it feels great to them.
Rather than complimenting a man on how well he cleans the kitchen, admire him for his masculine traits: character, bravery, honor, trustworthiness, stability, perseverance, intelligence, leadership, steadfastness, competence, and contributions to society. An example of admiration would be the way we feel about Captain Sully, who saved two hundred lives by safely landing an airplane in the Hudson River in January 2009. We can’t help but admire him for his skills as a pilot and his courage in a stressful and potentially deadly situation. Every masculine man has a Captain Sully living inside him, and a woman can bring it out by sincerely admiring him.
“I want to experience admiration by receiving verbal and physical feedback. I don’t mean sex here; I mean a literal pat on the back, a caress on the arm or across the shoulder, a look that says: thank you for what you just did or thank you for what you do for us. It has to be deserved of course, but actually, a little over-exaltation is not a bad idea at all, because it makes me want to do more, not out of need for approval or for the reward of feedback, but out of love. That would nurture love in me.”
– Paul J.
Men Love Our Gratefulness
As feminine women, gratitude is the most powerful attitude we can possess. When we are in a state of gratitude, magic happens. The more grateful we are, the more good we attract into our lives—including good men!
Practicing gratitude for everything in our lives is profoundly beneficial. One way we can accomplish this is with a gratitude journal. Every morning we can make a journal entry listing ten to twenty things, people, or circumstances to be grateful for, including those items we tend to take for granted, such as sleeping in a warm bed, having access to running water, and having a roof over our heads. Ponder them throughout the day. Remember, many people in the world don’t have even the basic necessities.
In this state of thankfulness, our energetic vibration rises, which makes for a smoother day and more upbeat interactions with others, including the men we encounter. When we show our gratitude to our men, we not only inspire them, we become more attractive to them. They will be motivated to be more and do more and to give us additional reasons to be grateful, which will motivate them even more. This virtuous cycle can add positive momentum to a relationship, helping us to painlessly move through bumps that could otherwise derail a relationship.
“Why gratitude works: How can something as simple as gratitude be such a powerful tool for creating more happiness in our lives? The answer lies in the Law of Attraction. Remember the third principle of the Guiding Three: What you appreciate, appreciates. If you want more good in your life, rather than focusing your energy on the problems and obstacles, focus your attention on what’s already good, what’s working. This automatically draws more good to you.”
– Marci Shimoff, Author of Happy for No Reason
Men Love Our Youthful Attitudes
Men love youthful women of all ages. Youthfulness is at least as much about attitude as it is about age or looks. It’s about being fresh and open. It’s about our smiles, our laughter, the way we dress, the colors we wear, and being radiant. There is something about this quality that men find rejuvenating and healing. Youthful women bring out chivalrous qualities in men. They feel more masculine because it brings out their protective nature.
Women often ask why men seem to prefer younger women. Not truly understanding men leads some women to pursue misguided solutions to this perceived problem. They invest heavily in developing and maintaining a youthful appearance while failing to put any thought into keeping a youthful attitude. In that event, they may succeed in getting temporary attention, but the inner qualities don’t match what’s advertised on the outside. Good men walk away confused and disappointed when they encounter these women. False advertising is not a good strategy to attract a quality man. We can more easily find and keep the men of our dreams by developing attitudes of genuine youthfulness.
“But if you are truly happy inside, then age brings with it a maturity, a depth, and a power that only magnifies our radiance.”
– David Deida, Author of Intimate Communion
Traits of Youthful Attitudes:
She has a childlike curiosity and wonder.
She’s easily fascinated.
She notices and appreciates little things.
She’s vivacious and excited about life.
She’s carefree and open to life.
She has an easy laugh.
She’s natural and not overly made up.
She can still wear ponytails, neck scarves, and pleats.
She’s not afraid to wear flowers, ribbons, or butterflies in her hair.
“When a woman wears a flower in her hair, it shows men she has the courage to be girlish. Doing this can take ten years off her age.”
– Roberto, Palo Alto, California
Men Love Our Lightheartedness
Lightheartedness is an important attribute of youthfulness. Laughter and play reduce excess release of cortisol, a stress-related hormone that ages us. If we want to stay young longer, we owe it to ourselves to develop this quality in ourselves. Staying lighthearted is also a great antidote to doing masculine work or juggling daily pressures that might otherwise accumulate stress in our bodies.
The best way for us to be more lighthearted is to reconnect with our inner “little girl.” You know, the one that’s been neglected for a very long time. Try observing little girls at play, or observe other women who have mastered this energy. When we stop being lighthearted, something inside us dies, and people soon start perceiving us as being “old.”
To summarize, as we have become increasingly masculine, these feminine attitudes are often neglected aspects of our personality. Paying attention to and practicing the attitudes in this chapter will help us make more informed choices and attract higher quality men into our lives.
Recap
Inner beauty multiplies our outer beauty.
Classiness is more than
appearance; it’s an attitude.
A happy woman makes a man feel happy.
Men value our kindness and compassion.
Be authentic by being the real you.
Have the courage to be vulnerable.
Be receptive to men’s compliments, acts of service, and gifts.
Stop resisting and allow more possibilities in your life.
Be approachable to your man or to a new man if you’re single.
Show admiration to the man in your life.
To be truly happy, acquire an attitude of gratitude.
Be youthful and lighthearted at any age.
Explorations and Journaling
Do you focus more on your inner beauty or your outer beauty? Explain.
In what additional ways do you (or could you) work on your inner beauty?
Which inner quality is the biggest challenge for you? Why?
On a scale of 1–10, how happy are you? Be honest with yourself. What do you believe would make you happier?
Are you a news junkie? Try shutting off the news and negative TV for a week, and at the end of the week, record how you feel.
Do you read inspirational books or watch uplifting movies? List ten or more new inspiring books or movies you will read or watch in the next year.
Do you have toxic friends or supportive friends or both? Would you be willing to let go of friends who drain your energy? Why or why not?
On a scale of 1–10, how authentic would you say you are? In what ways could you be more authentic? List them.
Are you good at receiving compliments from men? If not, in what ways could you be more receptive?
Do you allow men to do nice things for you? If not, why not? If so, how does it make you feel?
How often do you smile at men? Always, often, never? If never, what stops you?
What are some ways you can adopt a more youthful attitude?
Simply Feminine � Surprising Insights from Men Page 9