by Harlow James
“Oh, I’m aware that’s what you think. You’ve been pushing me away this entire time.”
“What?” I turn to face him again and see annoyance now on his features, but it’s directed toward me.
“What kind of childbirth do you want, Chloe? And do you plan on breastfeeding? Do you want the baby to sleep in bed with you, or are you set on having them sleep separately? These are questions we need to be talking about.”
“I…I don’t…I can’t…”
“What?” He raises an eyebrow at me, and that sends me over the edge.
“I feel like I’m being asked to make a life plan, Silas, and I don’t think that far ahead!”
“Well, you need to! We need to. This baby is coming. Why aren’t you registering that?”
“Because it makes this real!” I shout louder this time, and then huff through the silence between us before more words start spilling from my lips. “You wanted me to read the book, so I’m reading the book, but these questions are things that are going to happen months from now, choices I’m just not ready to make.”
“Time is going by fast, Chloe. It’s better to be prepared for what’s coming. What are you so afraid of?”
And then the truth just comes tumbling out. “I never had a family growing up, Silas. I grew up in foster care because my parents overdosed on drugs when I was ten.” His eyes bug out, but I keep going. “I never allowed myself to dream about the future because I never knew what tomorrow was going to bring—a new family’s house to live in or a lack of necessities, and imagining something more always resulted in disappointment. I don’t know how to think about my future, I don’t know how to dream or plan, I don’t…”
My words are cut off by Silas’s lips on mine, an urgency behind his kiss that has my mind screeching to a halt, but my senses igniting in an instant. He pulls me into his arms and licks my lips, forcing me to part mine to welcome his tongue into my mouth. And the moan I let out is embarrassing, but only an audible indication of my approval, even though I have no idea why this is happening.
Silas controls my head with his hand on the back of my neck and my arms encircle his shoulders, as he tilts my head to the side to grant him better access—and I submit right there, allow him to own me with the kiss because it has my entire body splintering into tiny pieces.
I remember our kiss in Aruba being magnetic, but there was also a shit ton of alcohol running through our veins that night. This is a completely sober and raw experience, one that has our connection magnified with each nip of my lips and lashing of his tongue.
Silas slows down the kiss, and then we part—our chests heaving, our breathing quick. His forehead rests on mine, but I have so many questions that I can’t wait to speak.
“Why did you do that?” I mutter breathlessly.
“Because it was the only way I knew I could get you to shut up.”
A small laugh escapes my lips but I’m frozen in place, afraid to move or wake up and realize this was all a dream. “Silas, I’m serious. I’m freaking out.”
“Yeah, but now it makes a little more sense.”
“What does?”
He takes in a deep breath and then kisses me chastely before leaning back and letting it out. “Why you’re reluctant to think about the future.”
“It’s the truth, Silas. I didn’t have a family growing up, and the moments I remember with my parents weren’t happy ones.”
He sighs and then shoves his hand through his hair, messing up the slicked back style. “My parents are dead too, Chloe.”
“What?’
“That’s why they aren’t here, and they won’t be. They died in a car accident when I was sixteen.”
I’m shocked, not only because he wasn’t forthcoming about his family issues as well, but because we actually had this in common. “I’m sorry.”
“Yeah. So I get it, I do. But I guess where you decided not to think about the future as a reaction to your parent’s death, I did the opposite. The future is all I think about—how to prepare for it, how to anticipate it, how to avoid loss like that again. And a baby? That requires planning,” he whispers, cupping the side of my face and then placing his other hand on my belly, feeling the proof of what we created together. I can feel my heart pounding against my ribs as I stare down at his hand on me, the first time he’s made the effort to touch my stomach—and I’m mesmerized by the connection. “We made a human together, Chloe, and regardless of our pasts, this baby is going to be loved. I’d just like to know how to keep you and him or her healthy in the process and what our life is going to be like once he or she is here.”
“It’s just a lot for me to take in, Silas.”
“I understand that better now. My sisters, especially Valentina, can be overbearing, but they mean well. And she has done this before, so maybe take what she says to heart, but at the end of the day, what we choose to do for our child will be the best choice.”
Bouncing my eyes back and forth between his, I see him asking me to trust him—and I do—intrinsically, I trust him and believe him. I know that I don’t have to, but my heart sure wants to. But then I’m truly risking getting hurt as well.
“Everything alright out here?” Nonna peaks her head out of the back door.
With one more kiss on my temple, basically turning me into a pile of mush, Silas turns to face his grandmother. “Yeah, just getting some fresh air. Chloe had a hot flash.”
“Ah, yes. One of the many wonderful side effects of pregnancy and menopause. Guess what you have to look forward to after you have children too?” she says.
“Joy.”
“Silas, can you go finish up the pasta, please? I’ll be right in,” she says to him as he glances between the two of us. “Go. Chloe and I will be fine.”
“Be nice, Nonna. You De Luca women can be overwhelming, alright?”
She waves him off and once he’s retreated into the house, she motions for me to sit next to her on two of the Adirondack chairs on the deck. The panels of wood are lined up perfectly, slats of light oak that provide a beautiful sitting space above the wide open backyard lined with rose bushes and covered in the grass I was admiring earlier.
“Silas and his grandfather built this deck, you know.”
“Really?”
“Yes. My boys were always good with their hands.”
I want to respond to her comment, but what I have to say is definitely not appropriate. Still, knowing Silas helped build this gives me a small perspective on him I didn’t have before. My eyes drift down to the deck below me as I admire how beautiful it is.
“You okay, dear?” she asks as we take our seats.
“Yes and no.” My heart is still pounding from that kiss, which also opens up another slew of questions to think about.
“It’s a lot to take in, isn’t it?”
“Which part?”
“Oh, becoming a parent before you were ready. Meeting a bunch of loud and outspoken women…”
“I’m loud and outspoken, so that’s not a problem.” Although Valentina’s questions were overwhelming.
“Caring about a man that wasn’t supposed to mean anything to you,” she says with an intense gaze over her shoulder at me.
“I’m not sure I’m following.”
“I think you are.”
Sighing, I attempt to fight her thoughts. “Nonna, I know that it would be so much easier if Silas and I were in love, but we’re not.”
“Love isn’t something that hits all at once, Chloe. For some people, it does. But for most, it’s a slow build of small moments that add up to one big one. And you and Silas—I see it.”
“See what?” I ask, full of trepidation.
“The spark. The balance you two create for one another. I’ve never seen my grandson look at a woman like he looks at you. And when he spoke of you when he told us you were pregnant…I could hear how he cares for you in his voice.”
My lips fold in and I twist away from her while I process her words. “We
ll, I don’t usually hang on to a man this long either, but we’re kind of stuck together at this point. Doesn’t mean there isn’t anything else there besides mutual respect and an attempt at being civil for the sake of our unborn child.” My hand finds my belly again as I focus on my bump instead of her.
“Did Silas tell you about his parents?”
That question catches my attention as I cast my eyes back in her direction. “Just now actually.”
“Really?”
“Yeah. I guess he and I share that loss.”
She reaches out for my hand. “I’m sorry that you’ve experienced a life without two important people as well, Chloe.”
“Well, my parents weren’t exactly role models, so I think I was better off this way.”
“Still. What happened to you when they died?”
“I was ten and had no close relatives so I was thrown into the foster system.”
She shakes her head. “I’m so sorry.”
“It is what it is, but I’m beginning to see that it’s affecting me, especially as I embark on becoming a mom.” It feels good to acknowledge that, even if it is with a woman I barely know. But I feel like I can be honest with her, which is a little startling.
“Losing his parents affected my grandson more than he realizes, I think. A part of him felt the need to be the man of the family because he was suddenly the only one. And then another part of him shut off when they died, but I can see it coming back when he’s around you.”
“That’s a pretty bold statement,” I reply, shaking from how hard my heart is pounding from her observation. And not just because apparently I’m affecting Silas, but he’s affecting me too.
“Well, I’m not the type of woman to sugarcoat things.”
“I can respect that.”
“You know, I met Silas’s grandfather at a young age and got pregnant by him rather quickly.”
“Really?”
She nods. “And back then it was a lot more taboo to have a child out of wedlock.”
I scoff. “I can imagine.”
“But we didn’t stay together just because I got pregnant. There was a reason I was drawn to that man, and when I allowed myself to explore it, that’s when I realized that he was the person I was supposed to be with all along. Our story just started in a non-traditional way.”
I stare out into the yard again. Maybe Nonna is right. Maybe I ended up pregnant far quicker than I would have liked or at all, but I will never forget the way my clit lit up for Silas that night. It wasn’t an experience I had before, and maybe there’s a reason for that.
“Thank you for talking to me, Nonna.”
“Anytime, Chloe. And I know our family can be a lot, but I think you can hold your own.” She grins at me as she stands.
I debate saying something in return, but I opt for a tight-lipped smile instead. Once I feel ready, I stand from the chair and make my way back inside, where I find Silas tickling a small boy that wasn’t here earlier.
“Who’s your favorite uncle?”
“Zio!” he screams through his laughter.
“That’s right.” He relents as the boy and him fight to catch their breaths. And the sight of him playing with his nephew steals a piece of my heart, handing it over to him at that very moment.
It’s the first time I’ve been able to envision Silas being a dad, playing like that with our own child someday—a vision I didn’t allow myself to dream, a dream I’ve never allowed myself to see at all.
He catches me watching him and then stands up straight to face me as the little boy scurries away. “You alright? She didn’t give you the Italian inquisition, did she?”
“No, more like Italian wisdom.”
“And?”
I reach up to stroke his hair, running my fingernails down the back of his neck as he groans only loud enough that I can catch it. This level of affection we’re giving each other out in the open is confusing, but also a lot of fun—like we both know it’s crossing a line, but neither of us is admitting to it. And if Silas is going to do it, then why shouldn’t I? “Your grandmother is very smart.”
“Don’t let her hear you say that. She’ll never let you live it down,” he whispers.
“Too late,” Nonna leans in and speaks right near Silas’s ear. “Time to eat you two,” she declares as she walks to the table with the biggest plate of spaghetti and meatballs I’ve ever seen.
“Oh my God, I can’t wait to eat. I hope you all aren’t that hungry because I’m about to demolish this plate.” I go to slide out my chair, but Silas reaches for it first, waiting for me to sit before scooting me closer to the table and taking the seat right next to me.
“Not if I beat you to it,” Valentina replies from across the table, seated next to a man I can only assume is her husband. “Chloe, this is my husband, Oliver, by the way.”
“Hi.” I wave at him across the table as Silas passes me a bowl of salad.
“Nice to meet you, Chloe.”
“And this is our son, Lorenzo.” She wraps her arm around the boy sitting beside her stuffing his face with noodles. “He went to work with Oliver and Mia at the winery today. He’s almost five.”
“Hi, Lorenzo. I’m Chloe.”
“You have a baby in your belly like my mom?” he asks blatantly.
“Yes, I do.”
“You’re going to have a cousin, Enzo,” Silas adds as he squeezes my thigh under the table. And the way he says it is with an excitement I’ve never heard in his voice before.
“Cool. Can they play monster trucks with me?”
“Uh, probably not for a few years at least.”
“Aw, man,” he whines as we all laugh at him.
“So what is it that you do, Chloe?” Mia asks from the other end of the table as she twirls noodles around her fork.
“I have my own dog walking business.”
“Oh, interesting,” she says enthusiastically. “How did you get into that?”
I can feel Silas focus on me too as I spoon a large helping of pasta and three meatballs the size of my fist on my plate. I’m sure my eyes are bigger than my stomach, but I can always take it to go, right?
“Well, Shayla, my best friend, and I had just moved to Santa Barbara shortly after we turned eighteen. I was working at a local cupcake shop and the owner was telling me about what a pet friendly town Santa Barbara is. There was a frequent customer that would come into the shop, Mrs. Harrison, and she moved rather slowly but she always brought her dog in with her. I asked her if she walked him every day and she said she couldn’t any more. Their trip to the cupcake shop was as much as she could handle but her dog needed it more, so I offered to do it for her. She was my first client, and then she started telling people about me and it just kind of grew from there. Now I have over fifty clients all over the area who have me walk their dogs from once a week to sometimes daily, depending on the breed and what they need. But being pregnant has definitely not been kind to me in my line of work.”
“Chloe had to take some bed rest this past month. She was having a rough time.”
“I can sympathize. So are you back at work now?” Valentina asks as we all start to eat, the entire family listening in on our conversation. I can sense that she’s trying to make up for causing me to freak out earlier, but that wasn’t her fault. That was all my shit bubbling up inside.
“Next week I can start walking again, just a lot less than I was before.”
“That explains why your legs are so great. You must walk ten miles a day,” Bianca adds.
“Just about,” I reply. “And thank you.”
“You definitely have great legs,” Silas whispers in my ear, forcing me to look over at him in confusion. Why is he being so flirtatious and touchy-feely with me right now?
“Do you have favorite dogs?” Mia asks, pulling my attention back to the group.
“Of course. And least favorites. But they all bark and they all shit, so at the end of the day, they all make me earn my money.”
“Well, at least you’ll be no stranger to the amount of poop that’s about to inhabit your life. Once your baby comes, you’ll wonder if there was anything more exciting in your life than poop.”
“As long as the little girl or boy doesn’t smugly watch me while I change them, I think I’ll be fine.”
A few hours later with full bellies and much less tightness in my chest, Silas and I prepare to leave. Once we’ve said our goodbyes and get comfortable in the car, I catch the loud exhale he lets out as he drives. “Is that you feeling like you can relax now?”
“A little. How are you feeling?”
“Better. Not as stressed as earlier. Your family is pretty awesome, Silas.”
He smiles wistfully. “Yeah, they’re okay.”
Watching Silas interact with his sisters, grandmother, and nephew, although he seemed more annoyed with them than not, gave me a glimpse into why he is the protective and caring man that he is. It was written all over his face. Those people are his joy, his circle of people he can trust and depend on. I’ve never had that, and part of me wants to be included in that now too, even though I thought I wouldn’t.
“So, I’ve been meaning to ask you, but I wanted to wait for the right time.” He adjusts himself in the seat of his car as he exits the highway. “The Goleta location is opening in a few weeks. How would you like to accompany me?”
Shock and awe floats through me. “Really?”
“Yeah. My employees are going to know who you are eventually, and I thought it’d be a nice night out of the house.”
Is this a date then? Or am I reading too much into it?
“Um, sure. I’d love to go. Free food, right?”
“Well, you are accompanying the owner, so the tab is covered.” He smirks over his shoulder at me.
“Damn, these baby daddy perks just keep on coming.”
The full-bodied laugh that comes out of him has me smiling from ear to ear. The man is so strikingly handsome, but more so to me when he’s not so intense. Silas De Luca seems to have two modes—one is harsh and overbearing, totally alpha which I am all for in certain circumstances—and then the other is the carefree, light-hearted man who deep down has the soul of a saint and the heart of a God. And well—he may have the body of a God too.