“Don’t ever apologize for something you can’t help, Angel.”
The nickname makes something flicker in my mind. A memory trying to surface. It’s right there, but I just can’t reach it to make it come to life. “Why was I away for twelve years?” I ask.
“I’ll leave you two alone. Don’t push her too much. She has a lot of healing to do still.” The strict younger woman reminds me of an old soul. Kind, but someone who means business.
“Yes, ma’am,” Wulf nods, reaching for the cup on the stand next to the bed. “Drink,” he orders me.
“Don’t boss me around,” I mutter, taking a sip from the cup because I am thirsty, not because he said to. Why am I talking to him like I know him?
“Wouldn’t think of it.” He hides a smile. I don’t want him to hide. I want to see how he looks when he grins. I wager he is more handsome than he is now. When I cough, he takes the cup away and sits me up, lightly patting my back. I hate feeling so weak. I can tell I’m nothing but skin and bone. My hand goes for my throat as I cough, and tears come to my eyes.
“Are you okay? Breathe, Angel.” He slowly brings my head back down to the pillow and tucks me in, wiping the tears that have fallen from my eyes.
“You’re sweet,” I tell him, and the big man shakes his head.
“Only to you. I’ve only ever been nice to you.”
“That doesn’t seem like a good way to live.”
“I didn’t have anything good when you disappeared, Angel. My world went dark.”
Were he and I more than friends? The way he speaks, he sounds as if he cared for me deeper than a simple friendship.
“What happened to me?” I ask, staring at my hands. They look like death is closing in on me. My veins are protruding, and my bones showing. I lift the blanket to see just how skinny I am, and I cringe. I can’t believe the state I’m in.
“You were taken by Jackals when you were fifteen. Do you remember that?”
My bottom lip starts to tremble, and I shake my head, hiding my face in my hands. Everything in my mind is blank.
“No,” I sob. “I don’t remember anything. What am I going to do?”
“Shh, look at me,” his massive hands cup the entirety of my cheeks. “We shall figure it out. I’ll have you remembering in no time, okay? I promise. I’m not giving up on you, not when I finally have you back after so long.”
“How long was it again?” I pull my brows together, trying to think about how old I am, but I can’t seem to remember that either.
“Twelve years.”
I gasp, my hand covering my mouth. This time when my head shakes, it’s with denial. “No. No. No. That can’t be. It can’t!” I shout, but the strain it takes on my voice is too much, and I start to cough again, my throat burning and raw from the force.
“Breathe, Angel. It’s alright. It’s all alright,” he croons, deepening his voice to a low, soothing tone. It works. I take deep breaths in, but it only tickles the sensation in the back of my throat to start coughing again.
“Easy. Relax. You’re safe here. Nothing will hurt you here. I won’t ever let anything hurt you again. There is no rush.”
I wipe a tear away as it falls to my cheek. “Alright.”
“Wulf! I need a word,” a man bellows from the doors.
“Fuck off, Trident. I’m busy!”
“Be nice,” I hiss, astounded by his lack of decency for others.
“Still a pain in my ass after twelve years,” he mutters under his breath and rubs his temples.
I narrow my eyes at him. “I heard that.”
“At least you aren’t deaf.”
“Are you sure we were friends?” I snap, wondering how I’m going to trust this man when he is so… infuriating.
Then, his eyes soften, giving me a look, that if I had the strength to stand up, would send me to my knees.
“The best.”
My annoyance with him diminishes a little. I’m not sure how this man and I were friends in my past life. He and I seem too different. He is so gruff and rude with other people, and I’m not like that. I treat people how I want to be treated. Wulf doesn’t seem to care.
“What was one of my favorite things to do?” I ask him, wondering if he actually knows, or is just playing me for a fool.
A small smile graces his lips, and it causes my breath to hitch as I watch him stare off into nothing, thinking about a memory I wish I had. “You loved to be in the sun. Every time I saw you, your skin was warm from basking under the rays in the middle of the meadow. There was a view of the ocean beyond the cliff, and the sea salt hung heavy in the air. You loved it. I’d meet you there, in the midst of the wildflowers in the field, and I’d just watch you sometimes as the wind made your blonde hair flow in the air. It was such a privilege to see. You were always so happy in that moment. It was something so simple. You needed nothing from people. You only needed that spot, and you were happy. I loved seeing you happy. It was the only thing that made my day better.”
Tears burn my eyes as I listen to him. His voice is far away, reminiscing on that moment. He isn’t joking. He isn’t conning me. Wulf really does care about me. No one would know that memory or moment in time besides him. “What about you?
He blinks at me, coming out of his thoughts and stares at me with confusion. “What do you mean?”
“What was your favorite thing to do?” I ask.
His next words are said simply, without thought or hesitancy. “Being with you.”
He stretches, and my eyes land on his bulging biceps, and like any woman, I imagine his arms curling around me, holding me tight.
Until his mouth ruins my train of thought.
“Until you were a pain in my ass, that is.”
“You’re maddening.” I cross my arms and then yawn, suddenly feeling tired and overwhelmed. My body starts to tremble from being cold. Suddenly, a warm animal skin is blanketed over my body. It looks like deer… I think. Everything is slowly coming together, but pictures are fuzzy.
“I skinned this the other day. You’ll be warm with this.”
“Thank you,” I whisper, fighting the urge not to close my eyes. I want to talk to Wulf, hear his calming, deep voice. I want to understand how I got here and why. What are the Jackals? Why did they take me? If Wulf was my best friend like he said, did he search for me? Did I have parents? There’s so much I want to know, but exhaustion is a stronger power, gripping me from the inside to pull me under.
“Sleep, I’ll be here.”
“Promise?” I mumble through a slur with sleep.
“I fucking swear, Angel.”
“Language,” I scold, yawning.
The last thing I hear before unconsciousness takes me under is Wulf muttering something about me being a pain in the ass. I hope I dream of my past so I can remember Wulf and our memories together. It saddens me that I can’t seem to muster up one memory of a man this faithful and so kind to me. He deserves that, does he not?
Chapter Four
Beowulf
I wait until her breath is even, letting me know she is asleep. I sigh and get up, careful not to wake her, and walk toward the large windows on the other side of the room. I grip the windowsill so hard that pieces of the stone break and fall to the ground. My heart fucking hurts so damn much, that if I don’t get some space right now, I may just explode. When she said she doesn’t remember me, my world stopped, the breath was stolen from my lungs, and my heart struggled to take its next beat.
I’m living my worst fear. I was worried she wouldn’t recognize me at first, but I never thought she wouldn’t remember me at all. It is a sword in the heart. That’s exactly what it feels like.
“Wulf,” Leiva’s soft voice full of concern only makes my heart squeeze a little harder.
“Not now, Leiva. Please, not now.” I sound pathetic.
Her cold, soft hand lands on mine. “I’m sorry.”
“Me too, Leiva. Me too,” I sigh with the heaviness that looms on my soul.
My hand retreats from under hers, and I turn away, rubbing the same hand over my mouth as I walk blindly out the door. I’ve only felt this lost one other time in my life, and that was when Lilith was taken. I’m not the kind of man to dwell on feelings. I haven’t done that in a long time. I’ve pushed them aside for so long, only calling onto them for battle. Now, I’m a concoction of every emotion in the book, and I have no idea what to do.
I push the door open and take my time going down the steps. The air is cold, stinging my lungs as I breathe in. The leaves are changing. Lilith loves it when that happens. Will I have to remind her of that?
I’m not sure how long I walk for, but I stop in the middle of the lavender field and breathe in. I fall to my knees and let out an inhuman roar, slamming my fists on the ground.
I lift my balled-up fists above my head and hit the earth over and over again, letting all the rage I can out. I’m out of breath, my hands ache, and I’m sweating by the time I’m done. I fall forward and grab the broken lavender stems in my fist. This can’t be happening. I haven’t waited all these years for her not to remember a fucking thing.
“Not a damn thing!” I shout, hitting my chest in challenge to the goddess above as I stare at the ebony sky. “What do you want from me? What do you want?” I scream before falling onto my back, gasping for air. “What do you want?” I repeat, this time in an out-of-my-mind whisper.
“Wulf?”
“Fucking hell, Trident. You come around at the worst times,” I mutter, a bit grim. I don’t bother to turn my head. I keep my eyes to the stars and breathe as much of the lavender as I can into my lungs. I need to calm down before I go off the rails.
The rustle and crunch of the flowers lets me know Trident is settling in next to me, and he doesn’t plan on going anywhere.
“You alright?” he asks after a few moments of us laying in silence.
I debate if I want to lie or to tell him the truth. I’m not close to anyone. Trident is the only one I consider a friend. I know a ton about him because he is an open book, but he knows nothing of me. I liked that the only person that truly knew me was Lilith, but now, she doesn’t know me at all, and I’ve lost the only person that made sense of me better than I made sense of myself.
“No, Trident. No, I’m not alright,” I admit, watching a shooting star flash across the sky. I wish that she will remember me. “I don’t know how to talk about it.”
“You aren’t one for talking in the first place. I’ve known you for a while now, Wulf. You’re a warrior at heart. One of the best I’ve ever seen. You’re a tough man, sometimes kind of an ass, but I’ve never seen you like this. I’ve never seen you… not put together and at a loss. She’s that for you, aye? It’s like that.”
“It’s always been like that with her. Growing up, she and I weren’t allowed to talk. The warriors’ bloodlines weren’t allowed to be with a lesser class; you know that. We snuck behind everyone’s back. At five years old, we swore we would always be friends. At ten, I asked her to marry me, and she said if she wanted to get married, she would let me know. So sassy, all the damn time. At fourteen, I started training for battle. I came back, tired, hungry, and sore. We would meet in a meadow beyond the forest that we weren’t allowed to pass through, and she would take care of me. At fifteen, I knew I loved her, and at sixteen, I realized I always loved her and will always love her. And then she was taken from me. If I can’t have her, then I want no one.”
Trident lets out a huge exhale. “Shite, man. That’s heavy.”
“Aye,” I chuckle. “Imagine how I feel, the only person who truly knows me has forgotten me.”
“She hasn’t, though. She’s healing. You have to give her time.”
“Doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt.”
“It’s supposed to fucking hurt, Wulf. Life hurts. Life is a battle. Nothing good comes easy. And you already know with her, it’s never been easy because she is good for you, Wulf. Man, I’ve seen more emotion out of you in the past few days than I ever have. Hell, this is the most we’ve ever spoken. She makes you different.”
“Only for her, though,” I protest, picking at a piece of lavender.
“I’ve noticed. I’m sorry, though, aye? I can’t imagine what you’re going through. I’ve never felt like that about anybody, so I can’t relate. But I know it must hurt.”
I close my eyes and bring up a memory of her bathing in the sun. “Out of everything, the cuts, the stabs, the broken bones, none of it hurts as much as this, Trident. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone,” I say, remembering the moment of our first kiss. If I think hard enough, her phantom lips brush over mine in memory.
“She’ll remember you, Wulf. I know it.”
“I’m not so sure, but one can only hope.”
“Can you do anything to help trigger her memories?”
“Aye, I plan on starting tomorrow. She says my voice and how she feels about me is familiar, but no memories. I need her to remember me. My sanity depends on it.”
“My sanity depends on it. You’d be a nightmare to battle,” he jokes, causing me to snort. “Are you going back to her tonight?”
I nod, forgetting he isn’t actually looking at me. “Aye. I just needed a breather. It took so much not to tear everything apart when she asked me who I was. I must regroup, rethink. This isn’t how I planned on this going.”
A few minutes of silence pass before he starts to laugh. “You didn’t smile, right? Maybe that’s why she can’t remember you.”
“Fuck off before I beat the stupid out of you, Trident.” I don’t think I smiled… if I did, the woman is going to have nightmares for the rest of her life. I let out a heavy sigh and lace my arms behind my head and map out the stars with my eyes. I don’t enjoy the day like I used to. I’ve enjoyed learning how to love the night.
“You could always walk away, you know.”
I turn my head to the right, seeing Trident’s profile. He’s staring up at the sky too, tapping his fingers on his chest.
“What do you mean?” I ask him, gaining his attention. He turns his head and meets my questioning gaze.
“You can walk away right now and never look back. You don’t have to see her again. She doesn’t remember you. You don’t have to go on this long journey with her.”
Rolling to my side, my hands push my body off the ground until I’m on my feet. I brush off my pants and point my finger at Trident as he gets up, too.
“What the fuck are you talking about?”
“I think you know what I mean.”
“You are out of your mind if you think I’d ever leave her side after everything she has been through. You have some nerve to say such a cowardly thing about me.” I take a step toward him and push him against the chest. “You think I’d leave her alone to deal with this?”
This time, I ball my fists up and pull my arms back, slugging him right in his chest. It knocks him to the ground, and he coughs, grabbing at his chest. I stand over him, seething with rage. “You think I’d quit on her?”
“No, Wulf,” he gasps a strangled moan. “I was giving you all the options. Come on, man. I didn’t say it was a good idea or anything.” He stumbles a bit when he tries to get up, so I knock him back down.
“I can’t believe you’d say that. I gave up once on her, and I’d rather die than ever do it again.”
“Aye,” he holds up his hands in surrender. “Aye,” he repeats in a calm and collected tone, hoping I back down.
“I’ll never turn my back on her again.” I hammer home. I need him to understand that everything he said is not an option. “She deserves someone at her side.”
“I understand. I’m on your side here. Wulf. I’m your friend.”
“A friend?” I scoff, knocking shoulders with him when I walk by him. “A friend wouldn’t even think about saying what you said.”
“Wulf.” He grabs me by the shoulder, and when I turn around, I wrap my hand around his throat.
“No.” I squeeze a lit
tle harder and pick him up by the neck. “And how many times have I told you not to fucking touch me?”
“Wulf, this is getting out of hand,” Trident gasps. He kicks his legs to try and find the ground, but he won’t. I have him too far up. “I’m on your side.”
I release my fingers from around his neck, and his legs give out from under him. He falls to the ground, rubbing his neck with his fingers and trying to suck in as much air as possible. I rub my hand over my mouth and back away. I can’t think straight.
“Wulf, come on.”
I shake my head and turn around, giving the one man I thought was my friend my back. And I walk away.
“Wulf!” Trident croaks as loud as he can after me, but it’s hoarse and barely recognizable.
I continue walking, back toward the castle, back toward Lilith, when I think better of it and make a sharp right into the woods. I can barely contain my anger, and it isn’t with Trident. It’s with myself.
The faint sound of my name being called in the distance rings, but I keep my back to it, no matter how much I want to turn around and apologize for my outburst. My boots eat up distance, getting me further from the castle, away from Trident, and away from Lilith. I have no idea what to do right now.
The branches of the trees slap against my arm the deeper in the woods I go. The sting isn’t enough to pull me out of my guilt. I only got so mad because Trident hit a sore spot. He said everything I had been secretly thinking. That’s why I got so mad. I hate that he confirmed everything a small voice in the back of my head was whispering. It made me feel like a horrible man and a worse friend.
How could I even think of leaving her when I just got her back? And I made a promise. I promised I’d be right next to her side, but the fear of her never remembering me, is enough for me to wonder if I should stay away. I can’t be by her side, loving her, with her looking at me like I’m someone she just met.
I can’t.
I’m a strong man. I’m a warrior. But that’s torture. I’m man enough to admit that it would be too much, even for a man like myself.
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