Defiant Heart

by Jeanie P Johnson

  Now it was certain she could never accept Sebastian’s offer. She was probably with child, and it was a sure thing, it was not Sebastian’s child. But if that were the fact, she could not look for a position either, because it would not take long for her employer to discover her condition, and throw her out on her ear. She was doomed, unless she agreed to marry Percy, and claim the child was his, she thought sadly. Somehow, she just couldn’t bring herself to do that, though.

  A tap sounded on her door, and Nelly stuck her head in. “I was told you were not feeling well, and mother asked me to see if you wanted something to eat.”

  “No, I think I am coming down with influenza now,” she told Nelly to cover the fact that she was sick to her stomach for other reasons.

  “That is just horrible, after you have finally pulled through your bout. Broth is always good for something like that, though. I just hope it doesn’t get serious. I have heard that people can die of influenza. I will have some broth sent up to you directly,” Nelly said seriously.

  “You seem rather happy this morning,” Eleanor noted, when Nelly’s serious look turned to a shy smile. “I saw the way you were having such a good time at the dinner last night,” she mentioned.

  “Yes, I did have a good time.” She gave a little blush. “I have to tell someone, and it might as well be you. Since you won’t have Percy, he has hinted that he may offer for me instead,” she admitted.

  “So much for his vowing to never give up on me accepting his offer,” Eleanor mumbled.

  “Are you angry? Do you still want him?” Nelly hastened. “I will not agree if you say not to.”

  “It is not that. I just don’t trust him. He is too old for you, and would influence you badly. He has gotten himself into debt, and I would hate to see him squander your money away. Because you are no match for him. I know things about him, that you would never understand. Never let him get you alone, what ever you do.”

  “But he is a perfect gentleman. He had not done anything but hold my hand,” Nelly insisted.

  “It always starts with holding hands,” Eleanor cautioned. Now she would never lay her burden on Percy, not after he so quickly had decided he wanted Nelly to replace her. But she couldn’t really blame him. After all he probably thought Sebastian had secured her hand in marriage, seeing as how he still remained at the house. “You must be sure before you make up your mind,” Eleanor, said at last. “And what ever you do, do not let him be improper with you. If you are too much in love with him, make him wait until you are married before you allow him to lay a hand on you.”

  “Mother has already given me such lectures,” Nelly said with a giggle. “He hasn’t even so much as tried to kiss me, so you have nothing to worry about. I just thought that since he had offered for you and was so set on you accepting, you might not feel comfortable with having him in the family.”

  “I am not really a part of this family,” Eleanor said softly. “I am just misplaced here. I plan to leave soon, and you can do as you please.”

  “You will always be a part of the family,” Nelly insisted. “Please don’t leave, Eleanor.”

  “I have no other choice Uncle Hector wants me out.”

  “Then marry Sebastian. I know he loves you. I can see it in his eyes.”

  “It is not as simple as that,” Eleanor breathed, as she tried to hold back a tear. “I think I love him too, but it is too late for silly things like love to sway a decision,” she resolved. “I will take care of myself somehow though, so don’t you worry.”

  “Oh please reconsider Sebastian,” Nelly begged, grabbing up Eleanor’s hand. “It would make me feel much better if you were settled, and then I would know for sure that Percy was really serious about me.”

  Eleanor just shook her head from side to side. “Life is just too complicated,” she said in a trembling voice. “I would like to rest now, though.”

  “I will have someone bring you up some broth,” Nelly promised, as she left the room.

  The night before Eleanor had thought that things could not get any worse. How wrong she had been, she realized as she stared at the door that Nelly had closed behind her.

  CHAPTER TEN

  Eleanor looked up as the door opened, and Sebastian entered her room with a tray. He brought it over to her, and set it on her lap as she adjusted herself against the pillows.

  “I am sorry to hear you are feeling ill,” he said softly. “We never should have insisted you attend the dinner.”

  “I don’t believe it is the dinner that has brought this about,” she said truthfully. All she wanted to do was look into his face, because she knew that very soon now she would have to just disappear, and though she was not sure where she was going to go, she knew he would not be a part of her life again.

  “Why are you staring at me like that?” he asked, coming to sit by her bed as he had done so many times before. Eleanor reached out her hand and grabbed a hold of his, clinging to it as though her life depended on it, which surprised him.

  “I was just thinking what a good person you truly are. I am glad we got to know each other. You have been so patient with me, and I know you keep hoping I will change my mind, but I can never do that, no matter how much I would like to. Had we met perhaps several months ago, things may have been different. Perhaps I would have considered you then, but too much has passed now, and…”

  “Lets just say what is really on your mind,” Sebastian interrupted. “I know you do not want me to know what happened on my ship, or why you were even on it. I will never ask you what happened. Even if it involved a man, perhaps a man you loathed? Considering you jumped out the window the way you did, I do not believe you were trying to run away with him. I will not ask. You don’t have to tell me anything, Eleanor. I don’t want a confession from you. I don’t want to know why you were kissing Dutton. If you truly loathed him, as you say, then there must have been something nefarious going on. I merely want to protect you. Just say you will let me do that.”

  “You can’t protect me,” Eleanor insisted. “I am beyond protection! Nothing can change anything now. You may think you want me, but eventually you will change that opinion. I like you too much to…to…put you in that position.”

  “If you like me, then marry me,” Sebastian insisted. “No questions asked. No expectations. No matter what.”

  “It is not that simple. I cannot foist my burdens upon you, no matter how much you claim you want them. It is not fair to you. I could never treat you thus.”

  “You are killing me by refusing me,” Sebastian growled in his frustration. “What will ever convince you that I don’t care about your past? I don’t care about your nameless condition. I don’t care that you jumped out of the window of my cabin in the nude. I know I have made many mistakes on my own. I have had many women in my life, so I could not hold that against you if you…”

  “No!” Eleanor stopped him. “You don’t know what you are saying. Your pride should not allow it, and I know my pride won’t.”

  “Don’t be so damn prideful then,” he barked. “Don’t you understand how much I love you? I would take you as my wife, no matter what.”

  “But I cannot give myself to you, no matter what,” she said bowing her head, and pushing the tray aside. “When the newness wore off, you would regret it in the end. And besides, it goes beyond me just jumping out of that window in the nude.”

  Sebastian removed the tray, and placed it on her desk, and then returned to her bed, taking her hand as he sat on the edge of the bed. “You are being stubborn! If I have to, I will tie you up and take you to the preacher, if you won’t go any other way.”

  “You would force me to marry you?” she gasped. “If you have any ounce of love for me, you would never force my hand in that manner,” she said quietly.

  “Honestly, Eleanor. I don’t know what else to do. You refuse me, in spite of the fact that you claim to like me. You don’t trust me enough to lay your burdens on the man who loves you.”

&nbs
p; “You do not want the kind of burdens that come with loving me,” she said flatly.

  “Yes I do, Eleanor. Yes I do!” With the words he pulled her to him and smothered her in a kiss, which he refused to bring to a conclusion.

  The more he tasted her lips, the more he wanted to devour them, and though she struggled at first, he felt her begin to relax as the kiss progressed into the very essence of the love he felt for her. Gradually, he pulled her down against the soft mattress with him as he expanded the kiss. He felt breathless, when he finally lifted his head from hers.

  “You cannot refuse me any longer,” he breathed. “I can tell you want me as much as I want you. What ever is holding you back, put it out of your mind,” he demanded.

  “I can’t, I can’t,” she murmured, but as she said the words, she placed her lips back on his again, never wanting the kiss to end. To her surprise, he pulled away, and her heart fell as she watched him go to the door, and then she felt it rise again as she realized he had only gone to the door in order to lock it, returning to her arms again.

  “If you won’t marry me, at least allow me to love you,” he groaned. “I know you are probably not a virgin, if that is what is worrying you, so don’t hold me away from you, Eleanor. I won’t take you if you refuse. Just please don’t refuse.” His voice was pleading, as his green eyes held her in a trance.

  Eleanor knew she would be leaving soon, and never to feel his touch before she departed seemed to be beyond her acceptance. She had given into to Percy, and she had not even really loved him. What difference did it make if she gave herself to Sebastian, the man she was sure she did love, who claimed to truly love her? A man who wanted her in spite of her downfall. Who loved her in spite of herself. Slowly, she began undoing the buttons on her nightgown, and when he saw what she was doing, he helped her lift it over her head. After all he had seen her in the nude already, she justified. There was nothing new to view, she reasoned.

  But the view that met his eyes, filled him with an overflowing desire and love he could barely withstand, as he looked longingly at her beautiful body, pulling the covers down slowly, in order to view her entire form.

  “You are so beautiful,” he breathed. “I am almost afraid to touch you. I do not want to frighten you or repulse you.”

  “Take me.” She whispered. “I will be yours for this one time, and then you must promise to never touch me again,” she requested.

  “Never to touch you again…” his voice sounded pained. “I don’t know if I could live with that thought,” he admitted.

  “It is the only way you can have me,” she pointed out, and reached out and began to undo the buttons on his shirt.

  “I love you, Eleanor. I don’t want to hurt you.”

  “You can’t hurt me,” she vowed. “I know what I am doing.”

  “If I do this, I could force you to marry me. No one would know you are not still a virgin, and I could claim…”

  She put her hand over his mouth. “I will never let you do that,” she warned. “Take me on my terms, or do not take me at all.”

  “Then it is your terms,” he groaned, as she removed his shirt, and he removed his trousers. She could see how much he had wanted this, but had held back because she was not the kind of women he had at every port.

  But he surprised her. He did not take her all at once, like she expected. He made slow calculating love to her, touching her, kissing her, making her body come alive in a way she had never imagined could happen, and he did not stop pleasing her, until he had caused her to reach a peak of pleasure, several different times in several different ways, that made her gain a whole new perspective on the act of making love. When finally they joined as one, the pleasure continued to build, and grow and spread throughout her, as he slowly built up her need of him, and held back his need of her, until he was sure they would share that splendor together.

  Once he felt her reaching for the same ecstasy he was flowing towards, he let all of his desire spill over her, as rainbows filled her very being, and stars bounced throughout her body. Sebastian did not pull away, and roll off of her, as she assumed he would, once he was satisfied. He remained in her arms, as he clutched her against his chest, vowing his undying love of her. All the dreams she had envisioned, were bursting forth, only as soon as he left her room, they would melt away forever. She clung to him in desperation, dreading the moment their bodies would have to part.

  Only their bodies did not part, for long, because after several moments of holding her, and stroking her hair, and kissing her love worn lips, his movements started all over again as he found her again. The passion began to build as before, and she met every move with anticipation. Her body molded into his, and made her feel like she had become a part of him. A part of him that she could never deny, even if they never shared in this act again. And she repented of ever allowing Percy to touch her. If she had only known that this was supposed to be her destiny. But it was too late now, and all she would have was this evening together.

  But, Sebastian did not rise up and unlock the door, and leave her by herself. He refused to leave her bed, and held her close to him, allowing her to sleep for a time, and then wake her up pouring more love out on her, bringing her to life, all over again. By morning, she never wanted him to leave her side, but she knew she must face the inevitable eventually.

  “Marry me,” Sebastian begged. “I will not leave your bed until you have consented,” he told her.

  “You knew the conditions,” she breathed. “I cannot marry you, but I love you. Heaven forgive me. I love you.”

  “That is all I wanted to hear,” he said, consuming her mouth with his, and he was making love to her all over again. He did not leave her bed, for that day either. He didn’t care what anyone thought. They ignored the taps on the door, and Nelly calling to ask how Eleanor was. Eleanor called back, saying she merely wanted to sleep. Neither of them bothered to eat, because they could not bare to leave each other, knowing that once they did, they could never share in this joy again.

  And so she spent another night, nestled in Sebastian’s arms, knowing the comfort and pleasure of true love, and dreading the moment she could never share his body again. By the next morning, Sebastian realized he could not convince her to change her mind, and reluctantly, he left her, sleeping soundly. Otherwise he would not be able to leave. When she awoke, she was informed that Sebastian had left, and she knew she would never see him again.

  Eleanor grabbed up Brambles, and cried into his pitifully tattered body. He was barely holding together, much like herself. Just ready to fall apart at the least provocation. She held him all the tighter, in spite of his delicate condition, and as she did, the stuffing popped from the seam in his side, and something fell out.

  Eleanor looked down upon her spread, where the object had fallen. It was a packet, brittle with age, but still holding up from the protection of the rabbit’s stuffing. Eleanor’s shaking fingers opened the packet, and withdrew a letter, a rolled sheet of paper, and a small pouch, which held several gold coins. What was this, she wondered?

  Slowly she unrolled the paper, and saw that it was a birth certificate. The name Drake shot out at her. Drake Boyd. Her father’s name was Drake. He had called himself Drake boy, but he must have meant Boyd, and they just could not understand the childish pronunciation of the name. Now she realized she had a name, but who’s name was it really? Her grandmother’s name was Camellia Jeradino Boyd. Jeradino sounded like an Italian name, and she remembered her father had also married an Italian. Maybe the woman had reminded him of his mother, she thought. Her grandfather’s name was Maximilian Clifford, Boyd. The letter was addressed to Clifford House, with the name Maximilian Boyd written above the address. With trembling fingers, Eleanor opened the letter.

  My dear Maximilian,

  This may come as a surprise to you, but you have a son. I would not have burdened you with this news, if it were not for the fact that I am dying of consumption, and have no one to care for him. T
he young girl delivering this message is a friend of mine, whom I could count on to bring my son to his rightful father.

  After your parents demanded our annulment, I discovered I was with child, but by that time it was too late, since you were forced into marrying Maryanne. I could not disrupt your life further with the burden of a child while you were trying to hold a new marriage together in order to satisfy your parents demands. But the years have not been kind, and I have had a difficult time, after returning to my own country, and there is no one now. He is your rightful heir, since you were married to me when he was conceived. Therefore I hope he will take his place in your house hold, and remind you of the love I have always had for you, despite your decision to succumb to your parents wishes. I know they wanted what’s was best for you, just as I wanted what was best for you as well.

  Now you have a chance to raise your son as your own . I hear that your wife turned out to be barren so far, so perhaps Drake can bring a little happiness into your life, even if I can’t.

  Lovingly always, your devoted wife, Camellia

  Eleanor’s hands shook as she held the letter to her breast. No wonder no one claimed the child. Something must have happened to the young girl delivering the boy to his father, and his father did not even know that the son existed. Since no one knew the boy’s name, how would the father even know he existed?

  Clifford House. She had heard of that place before. It was half way between here and London. Her father had almost made it to his destination. How sad that he never was able to meet his father. Her grandfather, Eleanor thought. She was a Boyd as well.

  Now a plan began to form in Eleanor’s head. There was plenty of money in the pouch to make the journey to Clifford house from here. She had proof of her own birth and her father’s birth. If her grandfather still was alive, she could throw herself on his mercy, and claim she was widowed, and carrying her husband’s child. Her dilemma was finally solved. No one knew of her connections to Clifford house, so no one would know where to look for her.