Defiant Heart

by Jeanie P Johnson

  “Don’t do anything hasty,” Teddy cautioned. “You are still slim. You have not announced to society that you are expecting, so just don’t let your grandfather announce anything until we figure out what to do about this.”

  “He is so looking forward to this child, and I just feel awful having to lie to him about everything. I am a despicable person. One lie has led to another, and I don’t even know who I am any more,” she sobbed, and Teddy offered her his handkerchief.

  “Will you be all right? I have to return. I just came to tell you,” he told her gently.

  Eleanor pulled away, and gave him a half smile. “I will never be all right again,” she insisted, “but you are not to blame, and there is nothing anyone can do about it. Thank you for coming. You have always been my port in a storm. I know I can always count on you, Teddy.”

  “I plan to fill half your dance card at the ball,” he said to try and cheer her up.

  “You will be bringing Brenda, won’t you? Don’t let me ruin it for you with her,” she admonished.

  “Yes, I will bring her, and Nelly wants to bring Percy, would you mind, him coming?”

  “I had forgiven Percy a long time ago. Of course he can come. I hope he is acting the perfect gentleman with Nelly.”

  “I have threatened to call him out if he is not. Now that Dutton has told us all, Sebastian and I went and talked to him. He will not touch Nelly if he knows what’s best for him. Also Sebastian talked to Ned and threw him off his ship. Ned thought you were a mere flower girl though, so he was quite put out that Sebastian took such offence over it.”

  “I was still a woman, and just because he thought I was a flower girl is no excuse,” she spat. “He had seemed so friendly and nice. I cannot believe he would treat me like that.”

  Eleanor realized she had a bad habit of trusting people too much. She had finally trusted Sebastian with her love, and now he had turned his back on her. She was beginning to fear her own judgment.

  “It is over now,” Teddy sighed. “I just wish Sebastian had not taken off like that. We had started to become such friends, and I was sure he would stand by you in the end. I guess we were all wrong about him.”

  “Well this is what happens when people start believing they can order someone else’s life. If Uncle Hector hadn’t tried to force me into getting married, none of this would have happened,” she bemoaned.

  “I am so sorry,” Teddy whispered. He kissed her cheek again, and then mounted his horse, just as Garth approached.

  “I take it you brought bad news,” Garth said, glancing at Eleanor’s tears. “I will watch after her,” he offered.

  “Thank you.” Teddy replied. “I assume you are a close friend of Eleanor’s?”

  “She says I have helped take your place,” Garth said bowing his head.

  “Well, don’t get too eager to take my place all together,” Teddy cautioned. “I have begged Eleanor to marry me for years, but she has refused. If you are taking my place, you will probably receive the same treatment.”

  “I will keep that in mind,” Garth said, as he put his arm around Eleanor’s waist, and the two of them watched Teddy trot off down the drive.

  When Eleanor could no longer see Teddy’s retreating figure, she turned to Garth and buried her head in his chest and broke into violent tears. “How am I ever going to survive?” she shuttered as she clung to Garth in her grief. It was as if Sebastian really had died, and she could barely breath, just thinking about the fact she never would see him again.

  As Garth held her in his arms, trying to comfort her, not really knowing what had happened but suspecting it had something to do with Sebastian, she suddenly bent over, clutching her stomach.

  “What is the matter?” Garth implored.

  “Oh…oh…Oh no! I’m bleeding Garth, the baby. I think I am losing the baby,” she doubled over again as a sudden pain grabbed her. She could feel her stomach contracting, and the warm blood running down her leg.

  Garth picked her up in his arms and rushed with her into the house. “Go find a doctor,” he yelled to Jake who had just come out of the stables, staring at Garth carrying Eleanor across the yard. Jake ran back in the stables and was up on a horse in no time, galloping towards the gate and down into the village.

  The ordeal was over with, and Eleanor refused to talk to anyone. Not even Garth could get her to let him enter her room. The doctor had ordered her to rest and had given her some powder that he said would help her sleep. On one hand she felt relieved, and on the other hand, she felt remorse for the lost child. But now, she knew what she would do. She would tell her grandfather the truth, and stop living in a make believe world. She would never let anyone take advantage of her again, and she certainly was never going to allow herself to fall in love again. Everything concerning her relationship with men had been painful. Therefore, she vowed that she would never let a man touch her or her heart as long as she lived. She would run the estate on her own, she decided, and to hell with convention.

  Three days later, Eleanor’s grandfather came into her room, with the maid who was bringing her some food. “I must talk to you and see how you are feeling,” he insisted, as he stood beside her bed looking down at her. “We have to decide if we are going to cancel the Ball. This is a sad situation, losing the baby and all. Why hasn’t your husband come to be at your side?” He reached down and took Eleanor’s hand in his and patted it. “I thought for sure you would want to send him word about…”

  “I have to tell you something, Grandfather. You may not like it, but it has to be told.”

  “Dear girl, what ever is wrong?”

  “I was never married,” she began.

  “What? I thought Sebastian said he was your husband. What do you mean you were never married?”

  Slowly, she began relating the whole sorted story, barely able to look her grandfather in the face. “When Sebastian left to try and make up his mind what he should do, he decided not to return to me. He sailed away, and now, since I lost the baby, there is no reason that he needs to claim he is my husband anyway. No one knows of the child, and no one knows he returned. So as far as anyone is concerned, I am just a widow. That is how it must remain.”

  “Poor child, what have you gone through? I whish I had been there for you from the beginning, so you wouldn’t have had to be forced to marry anyone. But now I shall be here for you. The man turned down a wealthy heiress in order to keep his fleet of ships, it seems. I have always heard that sailors love the sea more than they love women, so I suppose I shouldn’t be so surprised.”

  “When he offered for me, I was a nobody. I had no name or money, but he didn’t care. He is an American, and they do not worry about titles when it comes to choosing a spouse. Only he had planned to take me to America, and support me with his money. We could have settled in his estate there, where he could conduct his business and raise his children to take over his practice, once they were grown. It dashed all his plans, when I became a wealthy heiress, and it did not fit in with his dreams of the kind of future he wanted. I cannot hold it against him. He was a good man. I suppose it is better this way, because we would be miserable together, if he gave up his ships, or tried to work the estate into his busy schedule. You can still throw the Ball, though. I should be feeling better by then. I need something to distract me from all of this,” Eleanor decided.

  “Don’t worry, Eleanor. I am sure you will find the right man to stand besides you eventually. There will be many eligible men at the ball who would gladly offer for you.”

  “I am not ready to take on a husband. I will have to play the grieving widow for some time now, in order to give me time to get over the pain of the whole situation. First I allow the man I think I am going to marry to take advantage of me, then Sebastian’s ship hand holds me hostage on the ship and takes advantage of me. Then, because I love Sebastian so much, and thought I was never going to see him again, I let him make love to me. Now, he chooses to leave me. I do not think that there is an
honest man, where I am concerned. Now that I have become an heiress, I don’t think I could trust any man. If they are not after me for my beauty, they will surely be after me for my money, so how could I tell if they were honest or not?”

  “I suppose it is difficult being a beautiful woman with a fortune,” her grandfather admitted. “Then just give it time. You are young yet, and being a widow does have its advantages, because you can be your own woman, with no need for chaperones. You can do as you please, and no one will ask any questions or fault you if you wish to dally with men, to entertain yourself. Society has strange rules, it seems.”

  “I do not wish to dally with men to entertain myself,” Eleanor insisted. “But I am glad that I shall be free to do as I please. At least I will not have to worry that I will be considered a fallen woman, even though by right I am. I suppose that at least Sebastian saved me from that fate by becoming my dead husband,” she mused.

  “Do not even worry about it. Sebastian claimed he was your husband, so if he has gone to sea and left you, by all accounts, you are still married. If he never comes back, then we will assume he was lost at sea,” Lord Boyd reasoned.

  “It is sad to have to live a lie,” Eleanor’s voice shook.

  “But in this case, I believe it is necessary. You and I are the only ones who knows.”

  “Actually Teddy and Garth also know, but they are my dear friends, and I do not think they would ever say anything. What reason would they have to do so?”

  “Then you work on feeling better, and we will go on with the plans for the Ball.”

  “Thank you, Grandfather. I am so happy that I was able to discover you before it was too late.”

  “I am grateful also,” he said, and then he opened the door and quietly went out. He thought about how he had lost his only love, and now his granddaughter was going through the same thing. It was strange how history sometimes repeated itself, he thought with a heavy sigh.

  Garth was waiting in the hall when Lord Boyd closed Eleanor’s door. He had come everyday, hoping to see Eleanor, and Lord Boyd decided it was time that she agreed to allow him to see her, so he turned back to the door and tapped lightly, and then opened it again. “Do let Garth in to see you,” he begged Eleanor. “He has been so patiently waiting until you felt better.”

  “Very well, show him in,” Eleanor gave in. After all, Garth had tried to cheer her up and had always been there for her. It was only fair she tell him what had happened.

  Garth came to the side of the bed, his eyes concerned but somewhat hopeful. “How are you feeling?” he asked, as he took her hand in his. “I am so sorry about you losing the baby,” he added.

  “It is just as well, Garth. Sebastian has left. He sailed away in his sloop. That is what Teddy came to tell me. So it is just as well that I lost the baby, or I would be raising a child while I would never know who the father was. At least this way I can start fresh without any hindrance on the side.”

  “So what do you plan to do?” he wanted to know.

  “I will remain a widow. No one but you and Grandfather, and Teddy know about the child, so as far as anyone is concerned, I am a mere widow, and that is how it will be presented.”

  “What if Sebastian returns?” Garth worried.

  “It doesn’t make any difference. He left me. He must not have loved me the way he claimed. I doubt he will come back anyway. He had his chance to marry me for real, and he chose not to. So I will just forget him and all of this sordid affair. As far as I am concerned, it never happened.”

  “And the Ball is still on the agenda?”

  “Yes. I will go on with my life, as though none of this ever happened. There is so much for me to do around the estate, anyway. Grandfather is going to show me how to run the place. I don’t need a husband to help me.”

  “You do not plan to ever marry?” Garth asked, a little astonished.

  “Why should I? Every man I have met, has betrayed me, except for Teddy, and I grew up with him.”

  “I have not betrayed you, Eleanor,” Garth insisted.

  “I know, Garth. But I could never trust my heart to love again. It is going to be a long time before I truly can forget Sebastian, and I do not want to hurt you, or any other man who thinks I am available. Besides, a widow must mourn for a year, and if Sebastian is lost at sea, I may have to wait seven years before I can be considered free to choose another husband.”

  “I would be willing to wait seven years,” Garth insisted.

  “But I would not allow you to do so,” Eleanor, sighed. “I don’t even know if even in seven years I will feel like marrying anyone, so don’t pin your hopes on me, Garth. Just remain my dear friend.”

  “Gladly,” Garth replied, raising her hand to his mouth and kissing it.

  “I would like to rest now, if you don’t mind,” Eleanor told him, and he stood up to leave.

  “Take care dear friend. I will see you in a week at the Ball,” he said softly, and left her room.

  Eleanor stared at the door. So much had happened in so little time, but it seemed like a life time to her. She had suddenly discovered another side to life which she did not know existed, and she had tasted love in its bitter-sweet frustration. Her life had taken a turn, and she was determined this time around she would not make the mistakes she had made up until this moment in her life.

  She would go back to being the lady in red, which no man could touch or get near, all except for Teddy and now Garth, who would remain her faithful friends. She looked across the room and saw Brambles sitting on a shelf, quite neglected, and she rose up from the bed and took the rabbit in her arms.

  “You have always remained true to me,” she whispered to the stuffed rabbit. “Even though you held your secret about my past for such a very long time. In a way, you were good luck, and bad luck, and now I must make the best of both.”

  Eleanor hugged the rabbit to her and tried not to think of Sebastian, which she found so difficult to do. Why had he left her without a word? He had gone to so much effort to find her. He had promised her he would come to the ball, and then he just turns his back on her? She would never forgive him, she vowed.

  CHAPTER SIXTEEN

  The Ball was a gala affair, which seemed to function on the outer edges of Eleanor’s awareness. She felt distracted, and though she smiled and talked lightly with her guests, and danced with almost every man who attended, along with Teddy and Garth, she felt she was floating far above the gaily lit hall and excited faces of the guests, looking down from an indifferent distance away.

  She found herself watching the doors hoping against hope that Sebastian would miraculously appear and come to her side, confessing his ever lasting love for her. However that never happened, and as the evening wore on, Eleanor could not wait until it was all over.

  In true form she had worn a red dress, and she would continue to wear red dresses to all formal functions, she decided. Before a week had passed since the Ball, she had received so many invitations to dinners, and dances, and musical affairs, that she could fill her days and nights distracting herself from thoughts of Sebastian and the life she might have led, had he married her.

  Her days at Clifford House was filled with her grandfather taking her about the estate, showing her everything she needed to know, to run the place in his absence. She met all the tenants and visited all the shops in the village. Many people both in the village and in London, considered her their friend, but she never allowed herself to get caught up in anyone else’s lives.

  Aunt Fiona and Uncle Hector went along with the story of a husband lost at sea, and Eleanor began living her life as a grieving widow, even though she refused to wear black, and she attended functions remaining a little distant and reserved, unlike the Eleanor that Teddy had been used to.

  “Ma’am, you have a visitor,” Hobbs informed Eleanor, bringing her out of her daydreaming as she sat embroidering in the drawing room.

  “Who is it, Hobbs? There were so many people who called on her, t
hat she was beginning to wish they would just all go away and leave her alone. But it seemed like her company was in demand, and of course, there were many men who hoped that once she was no longer grieving, they may have a chance to court her.

  “He says his name is Dutton. I have never seen him, so I did not know if you knew him. I put him in the sitting room. Here is his card.” He handed her the card, but she barely glanced at it.

  “Dutton? What would Dutton be visiting me for?” Eleanor said aloud. “Thank you Hobbs. I will be right there.”

  Eleanor set her sewing aside, and glanced at herself as she passed a mirror. Dutton must have come up with yet something else to blackmail her with, now that she had money. She took a deep breath and stiffened her back, preparing herself for the worse.

  “Dutton, what do I owe this visit to? We have never been friends, so don’t pretend to be now,” she said, as she entered the room, and Dutton rose to his feet to greet her.

  “I know our past relationship was strained at best,” Dutton acknowledged, “but I have come to make it up to you.”

  “Really? Now that I am better situated, you have decided to try to become my friend?” She gave him an askance glance.

  “No, I had not hoped to become your friend, but I only have decided to make up for the way I have treated you in the past. It may not make any difference to you, but I have been wrestling with this for a very long time, and some remark I heard Teddy make at the club, convinced me that I should divulge some certain information to you.”

  “Well don’t keep me in suspense, unless you are expecting payment for this information. In that case, I am not interested.”

  “It concerns Sebastian,” he said, giving her a satisfied smile.

  “I no longer have any contact with Sebastian,” she said flatly.

  “I know. That is why I thought you would be interested in what I have to tell you,” Dutton insisted.

  “Please, Dutton, I am quite past it all now, I do not wish to discuss Sebastian, so you have wasted a long trip to my door.” She started to turn from him, but he grabbed her arm.