Defiant Heart

by Jeanie P Johnson

  “Then I will leave your company, and return as soon as I get what is needed,” Garth promised.

  Garth and Lord Boyd left the study, and Bernard stood looking down at Eleanor. “Why do you look so worried?” he asked. “No one will question it, I am sure.”

  “It is just so dishonest, like I want what Sebastian owned. I don’t need anything he owned.”

  “He knew that, but he wanted you to have it. Probably to remember him by,” he reasoned.

  “Truthfully, I just want to forget him. I want to forget any of this ever happened,” she half sobbed.

  “It must be very difficult for you,” he said, feeling a little awkward, when he saw a single tear make its way down Eleanor’s cheek.

  Eleanor impatiently swiped the tear away. “I thought I was through crying over Sebastian,” she said softly. “I didn’t want to love him. I didn’t want to marry him. But…but I couldn’t help myself. Not only did I end up loving him against my will, but now I am forced to pretend like I had actually married him. All of this needing to pretend is making me go mad. I am at a point where I don’t know what is real and what is not, any more,” she confided.

  “Well, I am real and I will be here to help you, in any way you ask me to,” Bernard assured her. “I am nothing like Sebastian though. He was bold and aggressive. I…well I stood on the side lines most of the time. You will have to instruct me, and inform me of what you want from me. Otherwise I may not think to offer the right thing. But be assured I am willing to do anything for you to help you through all of this. I am totally at your disposal in any way you desire.” He lifted her chin and smiled down at her. “Don’t cry,” he whispered. “I don’t know what to do when a woman cries,” he admitted.

  His saying that only made the tears begin to flow faster, and Eleanor turned away from him. “I am sorry if I make you uncomfortable, with my tears,” she mumbled, as she fumbled for a handkerchief in her pocket, but was unable to find one.

  “Take mine,” Bernard said, coming up behind her, and reaching around her, with his handkerchief as he placed his other hand on her shoulder.

  Eleanor leaned back against him, without thinking. He felt so strong. She just wanted someone to lean on, she thought. When Bernard felt her body slump against his, he reached his arm around her to hold her steadily against him, as he felt her body shaking with tears. He rested his cheek against her soft perfumed hair, drawing in his breath as he did so. But he didn’t say anything to her. He didn’t know what to say, so he just stood there holding her, waiting for her tears to subside.

  In a way, it pained him that she was crying for Sebastian. Sebastian had made her think he was willing to leave her. Even though in the end Sebastian had changed his mind about her and how important she was to him, it was just too little to late, and he did not deserve her tears, Bernard thought.

  Eventually, she timidly turned towards him. “You seem to be a kind man,” she whispered. “I cannot imagine why you and your cousin did not get along.”

  “Someday I may tell you about it,” he said softly. “For now we just have to get through all this legal business. Then once we can take a breather, we will have to make some sort of plans. I mean plans as to what you will need of me the most. I am your dedicated servant. I promised Sebastian I would stand by you and help you in any way I could, but if you get tired of having me around, please do not hesitate to let me know. I don’t want to overstep my bounds. This is why you must be very clear with me as to what you expect of me. I may not realize I am stepping out of place, and I would not want to burden you in any way.”

  “I cannot imagine you burdening me,” Eleanor laughed, as her tears started to dry. “I am sure you are just what I need to get through all of this. For now though, once I show you to your room and you have your things in order, why don’t we explore the top floor? I have never been there, and I did not want to have Grandfather climb all those stairs to show me. I don’t want to go alone, so you can help me discover what is up there.”

  “It sounds like a promising adventure,” he smiled, taking his thumbs and pushing the tears away from Eleanor’s eyes. “That’s better,” he said, and then he released her.

  Eleanor felt a strange regret, when he removed his arms from around her. She had felt safe there, she realized. But at the same time she chided herself for allowing herself to feel so comforted by his arms. She had vowed to guard her heart, so what was she even thinking?

  Eleanor walked across the room to the door. “Come along, and I will show you to your room,” she said, looking over her shoulder, she had not expected to see his eyes looking so softly at her, and as their eyes met, she felt a shiver go down her spine.

  Bernard watched as Eleanor turned her head back towards the door. Her very look was beginning to touch him in a strange unexplainable way. What ever he did, he must keep his distance from her, he warned himself. He needed her to believe that he was merely there to help her get through all of this, and once it was all taken care of…he did not want to think that far in advance, because it made him realize how anxious he was to possess her. Perhaps there was another way, he thought, shrugging at how much trust Sebastian had put in him.

  Already he was enjoying her company, and the thought of leaving her bothered him in a way he had almost expected, after the description Sebastian had given of her. He thought of all the women Sebastian had taken to his bed during his life. He had been the play boy, Bernard longed to be, and yet despised his cousin for, so how did his cousin deserve this woman, he wondered? She was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. She deserved someone who had not had a woman in every port. A man who valued women as something priceless, not something to toy with until you decide to finally choose someone to become your wife.

  Bernard had never flirted with women. Women were attracted to him because of his looks, but he was not suave and charming, like his cousin had been. He was more down to earth and serious. Anything he did with a woman would have to mean more than just a roll under the covers, before he just took her to his bed and used her body, the way he believed his cousin always did. It had been one of the contentions they had between them. Sebastian had always laughed at Bernard’s serious attitude about women. “You need to learn how to live a little,” he had told Bernard. “You won’t know what to do with a woman, if you never practice a little,” he had taunted.

  But now Bernard wondered about Eleanor. By every indication she was a perfect lady, only she had admitted that she had been carrying a child before Sebastian ever offered to marry her. He could not believe that she was the kind of woman that took men to her bed. He saw how she seemed to hold men at a distance, so what ever brought about her previous condition? A condition that Sebastian was willing to overlook in order to have her as his wife, he thought seriously. Eventually he hoped she would confide in him concerning it. But until then he would just try and stay her helpful friend, the way Sebastian had intended him to do, so she would begin to trust him the way that Sebastian had gotten her to finally trust him.

  “Are you coming?” she called, and he abruptly brought himself out of his thoughts, and followed her out to the hall. “I will put you across from my room,” she told him. “The house is so large, it is easy to get lost and turned around, so I will be close by to make sure you find your room until you get familiar with the place. Then if you would like another room…”

  “Oh I am sure I will be perfectly happy to be close at hand, in case you need me for anything,” he offered.

  “Then that will work out just fine,” she said, as she showed him where the room was. “Why don’t you put your things in order. I had Hobbs bring up your luggage. You will find it in the room. Then we can have lunch, and after words, we can explore.”

  “That sounds acceptable,” he told her. She reached for the handle, just as he did, and he ended up putting his large hand over hers.

  Eleanor looked up and laughed, as she slowly withdrew her hand. “I hope you like the room,” she said softly,
feeling a little flustered.

  “I am sure I will,” he assured her.

  “Then I will see you down stairs, once you get unpacked,” she said, sidestepping, so he could get by her, and his body brushed against hers for one brief moment, as he leaned forward to push the door open. She took in her breath, and tried to still her heart beat, then covered up her confusion by turning away and leaving him to gaze after her, as her skirts rustled in her departure.

  He loved the sound of her skirts, he realized suddenly. The feel of her hand slowly sliding out of his still lingered in his mind, and then he entered the room trying to distract himself from such thoughts.

  They ate their lunch in silence. Bernard seemed to be focusing on something other than Eleanor, and Eleanor was afraid to try and bring his attention to her, because every time he looked at her, his green eyes mirrored those of his cousins. Eleanor thought she saw the same expression in them as Sebastian had had, when he looked at her. She could not afford to get romantically involved with this man. It was too dangerous, considering he would be helping with Sebastian’s affairs and had offered to be at her disposal.

  “Anything you desire, just ask me,” he had said. The very offer, frightened her in a strange thrilling way. Beside he would be returning back to America soon to take care of Sebastian’s holdings there, and no telling when she would see him again, she thought. She had to remind herself that he was only here to take care of Sebastian’s business, and nothing more. Besides, he seemed to treat her with somewhat indifference. He said himself he did not know how to act around a woman and she seemed to make him nervous.

  Bernard suddenly looked up, and caught her glance. She wondered if he was reading her thoughts, because he had a strange smile on his face.

  “If you are ready, I am eager to see what the top floor of this place holds,” he said pleasantly.

  “Then come along,” she smiled back, standing up before he had a chance to come around and pull out her chair. He was at her side in moments, taking her hand and placing it into his elbow.

  “Lead the way,” he instructed.

  There were four stories to the house and the last staircase, which led to the upper floor, wound around a turret which ended up at the top floor. The steps were made of stone, and apparently, the top floor had not been used for many years. The third floor was the servant’s rooms, but no telling what this floor had been used for in the past. The fourth floor landing opened out onto a long dark hallway.

  “I don’t think anyone ever comes up here,” Eleanor said as they stood looking down the hall.

  “Does the place have ghosts?” Bernard chuckled. “Perhaps they all live up here.”

  “It would be a perfect place for them if there were any,” Eleanor agreed. She approached a door, and put her hand on the knob.

  “Maybe I should go in first,” Bernard suggested, placing his hand over hers. “I am sure the place is infested with cobwebs.”

  Eleanor turned the knob anyway, and together they pushed the door open. Before them was a stark looking room, with a single arched window. There was a narrow bed up against one wall, a small round table with a half burned candle sitting in a holder, atop the table. There was one rickety looking chair in the corner.

  “Who would ever want to stay in a room like this?” Eleanor asked, as she walked over to the window and looked out over the grounds. The view, thought was something to behold, she realized. “Come look,” she said, as she looked over her shoulder at Bernard.

  He was still standing in the entrance of the door, and when he came through the threshold, the door shut behind him with such a loud noise, it made Eleanor jump. “You didn’t have to slam it,” she laughed.

  “I didn’t,” he told her. “It was like a gust of wind, closed it behind me.” He came up behind her and looked over her shoulder. “It must make you very happy to know you own all of this,” he breathed next to her cheek.

  She turned her head slightly, and looked up at him. “It is so overwhelming sometimes. I often find it hard to believe that someday I will inherit it all. It is almost frightening,” she admitted.

  “You can’t possibly contemplate running it all on your own,” he insisted. “You will surely need someone to help you.”

  “I can hire any help I need,” she reasoned.

  “Yes, I suppose you can,” he said, “But wouldn’t you ever feel lonely?”

  “I feel lonely right now,” she murmured softly.

  “You miss Sebastian,” he reasoned.

  “I didn’t know him very well. Only for a couple of months,” she admitted, turning to look at him. “You remind me of him so much…it is almost…” she didn’t finish.

  “I am nothing like my cousin,” he scoffed. “I may look a lot like him, but the two of us were so different. That is why we never got along. He was out to conquer the world, and I was just happy to live in it and be contented with what it had to offer me. He wanted to enjoy the charms of every beautiful woman he became acquainted with. I was just hoping the right one would someday come along. However, he had a lot more to offer a woman than I ever had,” his eyes looked away out the window.

  “I am sure you have plenty to offer a woman,” Eleanor insisted.

  “No. I am rather boring, and too serious. Sebastian accused me of it enough, so it must be true.”

  Eleanor laughed. “Maybe you take yourself too seriously,” she said, capturing his eyes again, as she spoke.

  “But women don’t take me seriously enough,” he pointed out, as he moved away from her. She was getting too close, and it made him start to panic, because he was afraid he would mess everything up, and lose out in the end. “Shouldn’t we continue this exploration?” he said abruptly, heading towards the door.

  “We have all day,” Eleanor, mentioned, as she came up beside him.

  Bernard took the knob in his hand to turn it. “What is wrong with this thing?” he asked as he shook the handle. “It doesn’t seem to want to turn,”

  “Maybe when it slammed shut, it damaged the handle,” Eleanor said. “Try it again.”

  Bernard grabbed the handle again and tried to turn it. When it refused to turn, he pulled against it, but it seemed stuck tight. “It doesn’t seem to want to open,” he said, trying not to sound too worried.

  “Perhaps there are ghosts after all,” Eleanor laughed lightly, “And they have shut us up in here.”

  “I wouldn’t mind being shut up in here with you, if it were only for a few hours, but if we don’t find a way out of here, we are going to get mighty hungry and thirsty after awhile,” he reasoned.

  “Do you have a knife or something? Maybe you can use it to get the door to open,” Eleanor suggested.

  “Actually, I don’t have anything in my pockets except a watch, and some money,” he admitted.

  “I thought every self-respecting man carried a knife in their pocket,” Eleanor joked.

  “Guess I am not self-respecting enough,” he responded.

  “What are we going to do?” she wondered. “I doubt if the window will be of any help. We don’t happen to have a rope and nothing to make a rope out of,” she concluded.

  “Well no use feeling too worried yet,” he said softly. “Certainly someone will miss us after awhile and come looking for us.”

  “But would they think to look up here?” she wondered.

  “If we make enough noise, maybe they will hear us. But doing it now, is not going to help much, since they won’t miss us for some time yet. When we don’t show up for dinner, I am sure they will send a search party for us,” he imagined. “Since there is nothing else to do, why don’t we just sit down, and get acquainted? I mean I would like to hear your story beyond what Sebastian told me, which was very little.”

  “Only if you agree to tell me more about you and Sebastian,” she agreed.

  “All right, come here then,” he said, taking her hand and pulling her down beside him on the small bed. They sat on the bed together, with their backs against
the wall. “You go first,” he said, as he put his other hand over her hand that was still resting in his. He tilted his head towards her, and smiled.

  Eleanor looked up at his face. She noted the dimple that matched Sebastian’s dimple and the green eyes, that seemed to be looking through her at the moment. She wondered if she could trust this man with the truth of her situation and how she got there. She had not even confided in Sebastian that much. Sebastian had to discover the truth about her on his own, through Dutton and others who knew about her.

  CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

  Eleanor started out slowly, telling Bernard about her father and how he was found wondering in London when he was a child. In bits and pieces she was able to put together the events of her life, as she grew up with Teddy and Nelly, as though they were her true cousins, and yet she always felt like an outsider. She laughed about being the lady in red, and told of how she refused to give in to any offer of marriage, because she did not feel worthy to marry anyone of the ton, and once they discovered the true nature of her background, they wouldn’t want her anyway.

  Then she told about her desperation when she was afraid she would be forced to marry a merchant marine, and how she thought Percy was about to resolve her plight. Eventually she explained how she ended up on Sebastian’s ship, which she had never told a soul about, except just a very small part when Sebastian confronted her about it. Even when she had mentioned it to Garth, she had never gone into the detail of the incident, as she did with Bernard. Finally she told of how Sebastian had saved her, and how eventually he began to gain her trust, but by the time she realized how much in love with him she was, she had also discovered she was with child, and refused to allow him to take that burden on. Even though he offered to take her, after he came to the conclusion she had been with another man, she was not willing to admit to Sebastian that she was carrying some other’s man’s child, especially when she did not know which man gave her that child. She recounted her experience of finding her true identity, and how she thought going to her grandfather would resolve all of her problems, only to discover that it complicated her life even more in the end.