Awaken

by Katie Kacvinsky

  He looked across the room and his dark eyes reflected the glow from the chandeliers. His gaze stopped on my dad and his face tightened for an instant.

  “I like to be reminded what I’m up against.” He looked back at me. “I actually came to get you. Don’t you want to get out of here for a while?” Before I could answer him the lights flickered and wide screens on every side of the room rolled down from the ceiling with an electric hum. An automated female voice encouraged everyone to pick up their handsets from the tables (which the wait staff set down after plates were cleared) to join the video shopping spree. The voice reminded us that all money used to purchase items during the shopping spree would be donated to charity. It was strange how much the modern digital screens juxtaposed against the ornate chandeliers and the waiters in old-fashioned tuxedos. It was like two different worlds colliding and people were caught somewhere in between.

  “At least it’s for a good cause,” Justin whispered. I felt myself shudder, either from his voice so close to my ear or the feeling that I needed to escape.

  “Didn’t you say something about getting out of here?” I asked him and met his eyes. He nodded. “Then what are we waiting for?” I asked. He told me to wait a second and turned to say something to Jake and Riley. I pulled out my phone and voice-messaged my mom as the shopping spree began. I promised her I’d be back to watch the dance competition. I knew my dad would be occupied until then.

  “Shouldn’t you grab a jacket?” Justin asked me. I shook my head and told him I was fine. I took a final look around the room full of people comfortable now, staring at the warm, glowing digital screen and not at each other, entertained by a virtual shopping spree competition. I followed Justin through the lobby and he held the towering door open for me. I walked through it, into the dark night to meet a world so different from the one I’d always known. As the solid doors closed tightly behind me I didn’t feel scared or anxious or worried. Everything settled inside of me, like pieces falling into place.

  Chapter Seven

  We walked down the white marble steps of the Stratford House and I breathed my first full breath in hours. The red carpet was empty of media and spectators. I felt like I was standing on a stage after a rehearsal, like tonight was all a show, full of actors performing their roles.

  Justin stood on the sidewalk waiting for me while Jake and Riley gained distance ahead of us. I squinted down the street, which looked dark and silent next to the lit-up Stratford House.

  “We’re walking?” I asked with surprise. I took a few steps toward him.

  “It’s only a couple blocks.” He glanced down at my feet. “Those couldn’t be comfortable,” he said to my pointy-toed heels.

  I stared back at him. It wasn’t my shoes I was worried about. The problem was that other than the Stratford House, there wasn’t another light on down either side of the street.

  “Come on,” he said. “No hesitating when you’re with me.”

  He walked close to my side and his presence made my heart pound. I asked him where he was taking me.

  “Maddie,” he said slowly, as if he was overthinking his words, editing out some and inserting others. “You trust me, don’t you?”

  I watched him, puzzled, like he had overheard the conversation I had with Paul.

  “Of course I do,” I said. We continued to walk and turned the corner down a narrow side street. There was a slight mist falling from the sky, so fine it was like walking through a thin cloud.

  “What were you and Thompson discussing?” he asked. I sighed, not wanting to mentally go back to the benefit.

  “He gave me something to think about.”

  A small grin played on his lips. “What’s that?”

  “Let’s just say I have a few more questions for you.”

  Justin suddenly grabbed my arm and we stopped in the middle of the dark, quiet street. I felt my skin tingle where his fingers held on. Sometimes when I was around Justin I couldn’t think. All I was capable of was how I felt. It was like sensory overload.

  “I have a favor to ask,” he said, his eyes fixed on me. He let go of my arm and lifted up his hands and moved them as if conducting his words. “Tonight, I want you to try and forget who you are and who I am and live in the moment. Try not to think at all. Just let go.”

  I stared at him, confused by his words, and nodded. Riley and Jake called our names and I turned to see them standing in front of a deserted building.

  “What is this?”

  He turned and yelled we’d meet them inside. He looked back at me and grinned with his usual daring eyes.

  “You said you’d be open-minded,” he said.

  I studied the silent, three-story brick building. The white paint along the door was warped and the wood looked like it was rotting. The two windows on the ground level were boarded up.

  “You’re taking me inside an abandoned building? This is what you guys do for fun on a Friday night?”

  “There’s this whole other world going on around us,” he said, “but most people pretend it isn’t there. So we keep it underground. You just need to trust me.”

  “If it’s so safe why is it hidden?” I asked.

  “Because most people don’t know how to let go. People have closed their minds. They’ve forgotten how to use their senses, so they feel threatened by people who do.”

  I nodded because I agreed.

  “People like to keep things they don’t understand in the dark. It’s easier that way. But if you want, I can show you how to find these places,” he said.

  I looked at the building and back at Justin. “I’m intrigued.”

  “Come on, life passes you by when you stand around talking about it.”

  I followed him up the walkway and he opened the door to a long stairwell lit dimly with one overhead light. It smelled musty with age. There was no railing so I automatically wove my arm around Justin’s for support. I felt the muscles in his arm tense, but just as quickly he understood and let me lean on him for balance. The stairway led down to another double set of closed doors. I could hear music faintly seeping through the walls. I turned and looked at Justin when we reached the bottom.

  “It’s a club?” I asked, and he smiled.

  “Not so scary, is it?”

  He opened the door for me and when I got inside, the energy in the room hit me like a gust of wind. The sight stunned me first because it was the polar opposite from where we had been; the room was full of people, mostly young, sitting around tables, on sofas and barstools, just laughing, talking, being. There were no televisions, no computers, no screens, flipscreens, or earpods. I saw real life happening before my eyes.

  The sound hit me next. A small stage occupied the far corner of the room and a woman with streaks of gray in her hair sang into a microphone. Her eyes were closed and she moved her hips slowly to the music. She threw her head back and belted lyrics with such a deep, sultry voice I could feel it touch my skin. Three men surrounded her on the stage. A guitar player stood next to her, his face half covered under a brown cap, and his foot tapped to the rhythm. A drummer was perched on her other side, his face hidden behind a thick beard and sunglasses. He smiled out at the crowd. A bass player stood next to the drummer, his head nodding along to the beat.

  The sound pulled me closer to the stage. I had heard music all my life. Listened to it, absorbed it. But I’d never seen it so close to me. Performed. Created. I stood, frozen in place as I watched the fingertips of the guitar player wriggle up and down the strings. I could almost feel the chords myself, thick and coarse, running underneath my own fingers. People passed back and forth in front of me and I realized they were moving with the music. Dancing. Their arms were wrapped around each other. Their hands traced each other’s hands and waists. I watched with a dull ache growing in my chest. I wanted to be out there, with them. I wanted someone to show me how to move like that. The music encircled my mind like a spell. I felt a hand on my back that snapped me out of my trance.


  “What do you think?” Justin leaned his head down to mine so I could hear him over the music and I met his eyes. I wanted him to reach out to me with his other hand. I wanted him to trace his fingers along my waist. Instead, he pulled his hand away and a cautious look came over his face, as if he read something in my eyes.

  “It can be a little overwhelming at first,” he said.

  I looked back out at the dance floor. “It’s fantastic. How long has this place been here?”

  He shrugged. “Since forever. You can’t stop people from being human. We’re creative, we’re social. People are like water. If you try to contain them, they find a way to break free.”

  I stared adoringly at the woman singing.

  “She’s beautiful,” I said. She wasn’t beautiful in the standard definition of the word. She was overweight and her face was aging and lined with wrinkles. She had dark, sun-kissed freckles on her cheeks. It was the passion in her voice that made her beautiful and the sensual way her body moved with the music.

  Someone shouted Justin’s name and he turned but I barely noticed him walk away. The beat started to pick up and the drums pulsated through the room like a wild heartbeat. I inched my way deeper into the crowd to get to the band. I felt hot, sweaty skin brush against mine. I watched the singer’s chest rise and fall and the muscles in her neck flex with each word she sang. My feet started to move and my shoulders swayed without my trying to make them. It was as if I lost myself, or maybe I was starting to meet a part of myself for the first time. I felt someone’s fingers tap my arm and I looked over as Clare wrapped her warm hand around mine.

  “Hey,” she yelled, and her eyes fell to my dress. “Look at you!” she said. I knew I was overdressed for the club but her smile made me feel welcome. She squeezed my hand and pulled me deeper into the crowd to join her friends. We danced in a loose circle and I watched Clare move effortlessly to the music. Her arms floated in the air as if invisible hands guided them. I watched the people around me and tried to mimic their movements, but I didn’t want to follow anybody so I closed my eyes and focused on the beat. When I stopped thinking, my body started to move on its own. My hair escaped the hold of its twist and I shook it back and forth to free it from the confining pins. It dangled in soft curls past my shoulders and down my back. For the first time in my life, I just let myself go. The music lifted my arms and guided my body. Something inside of me shifted again, as if an invisible hand was pushing and pulling my insides around, stirring me.

  How long had I been dancing? How many times had the music stopped, only to start again? I felt sweat on my cheeks and forehead and drips roll down the back of my neck. Clare fanned herself with her hand and yelled in my ear.

  “I think I need to sit this one out,” she said.

  I nodded and followed her to the bar and ordered two bottled waters. Clare pressed the cold bottle to her sweaty forehead.

  “This much sweat is not sexy,” she said with a frown. I grabbed her hand and we pushed through the rest of the crowd. Her hand felt so soft and warm inside mine. I never noticed how incredible skin felt—how velvety. We headed out the double doors and up the stairs. Once we got outside, the cool, quiet night air blew against our steaming skin. I let go of her hand and stretched my neck toward the sky as I gulped in the fragrance of the mist.

  “You don’t look too freaked out by all this,” Clare said after she took a long gulp of water.

  I opened my eyes and looked over to find her studying me. “What do you mean?”

  “Well, you’ve been exposed to a lot lately. You seemed cool at the coffee shop, but you never know how people are going to react to being unplugged.”

  I looked carefully at Clare. “Can you relate to all this?”

  She smiled. “Not exactly, but if it wasn’t for people like Justin and Pat, I’d probably be a hermit. They make me get out more. But I am in DS, so I have to use computers once in a while. Justin makes sure to give me crap for it whenever he’s in town.”

  “How long have you known Justin?” I tried to keep my voice casual, like he didn’t consume most of my thought process.

  Clare took another swig of water. “Since I was eight or nine. I met him through Jake. All those guys are amazing, even Scott and Molly—they’re a little on the aloof side, but underneath, their hearts are in the right place.”

  “I’m still wondering what I’m doing here exactly,” I said.

  Clare creased her forehead at my comment. “What do you mean? At this club?”

  I waved my hand in the air. “At this club, at the coffee shop two weeks ago. Everything. Why did Justin pluck me out of all the people on the Web? You don’t meet someone every day that’s set on changing your life.”

  Clare watched me with a worried expression. “He hasn’t explained anything to you?”

  I thought about this. “Well, he goes off about changing the world and fighting the system. But why’s he opening up to me? I’m going to college after I finish DS four. I’m already applying to schools for computer law. What difference am I going to make?”

  Clare gave me a knowing smile. “You mean, you’ve never thought about trying to change DS?”

  I stared back at her and for the briefest moment considered telling her the truth. But I couldn’t risk it. I had shut that part of my life away and sealed it in the back of my mind in such a thick wrapping, I had convinced myself that girl in the past wasn’t even me.

  “I used to,” I said. “But I straightened out. I’m ready to go to college. That’s what I want.” I heard myself force the words as if I was trying to convince us both.

  “I think you need to talk to Justin about it,” she said. “I can guarantee he’s singled you out for a reason. He doesn’t waste his time on people. I know that much about him. His time’s way too valuable.”

  Her blue eyes studied me for a few seconds and she laughed to herself.

  “What?” I asked her.

  She shook her head. “It’s just entertaining watching him around you.”

  “What’s that supposed to mean?”

  She continued to smile and her face turned thoughtful. “I haven’t seen him react to anyone the way he does with you. It’s like you make him nervous.”

  I shook my head. “I highly doubt that.”

  Clare shrugged. “I don’t know. Justin never pays too much attention to one person. It’s like people all blend into him. But he notices you.”

  “Probably because he thinks I’m insane,” I said. Just as I said this, the front door opened and Justin walked through with long strides. When he saw the two of us he sucked in a deep breath.

  “There you are,” he said, looking at me with relief, but his eyes were hard. “I’ve been looking everywhere for you.” I glanced at Clare and she raised her eyebrows for a split second.

  “I’m fine. Where did you think I was?”

  “I don’t know. I thought something freaked you out and you ran off.”

  I crossed my arms at this. “I may have led a sheltered life, but it would take a little more than live music to freak me out.”

  Clare excused herself to go inside. The door closed behind her and when I took a step to follow her, Justin blocked me.

  “You promised your mom you wouldn’t be gone long,” he reminded me.

  “She’ll get over it,” I said, and tried to push past him but he wouldn’t budge.

  His eyes were serious. “You can come back here another time.”

  I frowned and matched his stubborn expression. “No. I’m staying.” I didn’t care. I felt like I had found a piece of myself tonight, and had such a short time to be with it.

  “I’ll call my mom right now. I’ll tell her I’m not feeling good and I’m going home.”

  “You think your dad will buy that?”

  “I don’t care. I want to stay. This is where I belong, not back there.” His face tightened and his eyes pleaded with me.

  “Madeline,” he said, and sighed with frustration. He took a ste
p toward me, his dark eyes demanding. “I love this wave of confidence you’ve got going, but right now your parents don’t trust me. You’re not going to be rebellious on my time. Do you ever want to be allowed in the same room with me again?”

  These words made me hesitate, and his eyes flickered when he realized what my weak spot was.

  “You need to go back there for me. Right now you live under their roof, under your father’s rules. You have to care, for now.” I clenched my teeth to keep from arguing, but I knew Justin was right.

  I turned without another word and headed back toward the hotel, hugging my arms over my chest to shield the chilly breeze. I pictured my father in the dining hall, still being idolized like a hero. I was angrier toward him than I thought I was capable of and it scared me. Mist fell heavily in the air now, so thick I felt like I was swimming through it. A shiver crept over my skin and I felt something brush my arm. Justin reached his suit jacket out to me, which I took without looking at him and pulled my arms through the warm, silky fabric. I could feel him glancing at me while we walked; I could always sense his gaze, as though his eyes physically touched me. I balled my hands into fists and pressed them hard against my ribs.

  When we finally met the white pillars of the hotel entrance, I threw open the door. Justin followed me and I stopped abruptly at the edge of the main dining hall. The digital dance competition was under way. Black dance pads were sprawled around the floor of the giant room and virtual ballroom dance halls were projected on wall screens. People bounced on their electric pads to move with the gorgeous digital dancer on the screen in front of them. Everyone’s eyes were on their pixelated version of life. Ballroom music infused the room, but it didn’t reach anyone. People were too busy being superior versions of themselves. On the digital screen they were beautiful, young, skinny, and talented, dancing with someone equaling their perfection.

  I watched people smile and laugh as their digital bodies moved gracefully with another stranger. I looked over at my parents. My dad danced on the screen with an elegant blond woman in a white gown and my mom laughed and clapped to encourage him. I stared at the scene and felt a cold knot forming in my chest. People were dancing with air, with empty space, didn’t they see that? Here was a room full of married couples ignoring the person they loved and choosing to be sensual with a fabricated form of reality.