The Complete If I Break Series

by Portia Moore

  His hands slide up and across my stomach instead of between my legs, and his lips make their way to the crook of my neck. He rests his head there and squeezes me tightly. I’m feeling unsure, but it doesn’t stop me from crossing my arms across my body to hold on to him. When I feel his body starting to tremble and his grip lessens on me, I turn and see tears coming from his eyes. I grab onto him and hold him—his weight almost pulling me down—but I use all of my strength to hold him up as his cries shake us both.

  “I’m so sorry baby,” he painfully says, his sorrow rocking us both.

  “Please don’t apologize,” I tell him as we sink to the floor. I climb on top of him and cradle his head against me, as he keeps repeating how sorry he is. I rub his back and hold him as close as I can.

  “We’re going to be okay. I promise you.” I can feel his sorrow, his pain, his regret, and his helplessness. I’ve never seen him like this. He’s never shown me any weakness, but I’m so grateful that he is finally opening up to me instead of running—instead of hiding it. I vow to myself for every moment he’s weak that I will be strong. The thoughts I had earlier of not being able to handle this, of being afraid, are gone. He’s always been my strength, and it’s time for me to be his. We will get through this. I’ve always wanted him to be my Prince Charming, but today—if it has to be every day from this day forward—I’ll be his superhero.

  Chapter 20

  Chris

  Something’s happened. I can feel it. The residue of lost time is all over me. My mind is hazy as things come into focus, and my thoughts are no longer crashing into one another. It’s been so long since I lost control like this and no matter how long I’m gone; I know it’s been awhile because my brain always feels fried when I come back. I look around and realize I’m not home, not in Michigan at least—but in Chicago. I remember this bathroom from the last time I was here. What’s the last thing I remember? I was at home, in my mom’s kitchen, and Aidan and Lauren were there. They were angry. I sit on the side of the tub, and my heart starts to speed up as I remember Lisa. Lisa telling me… she had been screwing my dad! I told my mom, and I told everyone else too because they all had to know. I swallow the anger, the regret, and the disbelief that’s radiating through me and mixing all together. Lisa has a kid! A kid with my dad! Queasiness floods my stomach as the room starts to spin.

  “Focus, focus!” I yell at myself. Cal must have taken over at that point. How long was he in control, and what the hell has he done? My head is throbbing, blood coursing through my body like a floodgate has been opened.

  “Are you okay?” my heart skips a beat as I hear Lauren’s quiet and timid voice. I realize I don’t have a watch on and my phone is absent. I have no idea what day or date it is.

  “Cal?” She calls again, and his name causes tears to sting my eyes. I’m lost again. I have no clue of what has been going on, and for me to be back, it must mean that something is really screwed up. What could be worse than me finding out my dad has been screwing my best friend? My pulse is off the charts, and I panic even more not knowing how long it has been. That thought alone terrifies me. I open the door, and she’s here. I’m surprised every time I recover from these lapses that she’s still here. She’s not dealing with just one guy who’s pretty screwed up but two, yet she’s still here. Wearing a tentative smile, her eyes wide and hopeful but it has to be a mask, right? Who could be happy in the midst of this? Her smile’s got to be a Band-Aid over whatever disaster that’s just happened. Even though I’m not sure if it’s real, seeing her smile and hopeful hazel eyes calm me in the midst of the uncertainty. Her eyes dart over me, searching my face and she swallows as recognition crosses her face.

  “Chris?” Her voice is shaky but lighter; her eyes squint at me as she tentatively approaches me. My face cracks with a pitiful smile. I can’t even manage to speak. I’m pathetic and embarrassed. She lets out a breath and wraps her slender arms around me. Her energy and warmth envelop me more than you’d think someone as small as she is should.

  “Is everyone ok?” I ask her after clearing my throat. I watch her nod, and she rests her head on my chest. I can feel her heart thudding against my chest.

  “Everyone is alive and well,” she says as upbeat as she can. She leans back and looks at me with warm but sad eyes.

  “What do you remember?” Her bottom lip is clasped between her teeth. I let go of her and let out a deep sigh. Before I can say any more, she takes my hand leading me down the stairs and into the kitchen area. I sit down at the table and look around for signs of Caylen, but there isn’t any.

  “Caylen is with your mother,” she responds as if she’s reading my mind. She sets a glass of water down in front of me and sits beside me with her own. Our eyes lock, almost asking each other to reveal things before they’ve been said. She takes my hand into her lap and squeezes mine. I decide to bite the bullet.

  “How long have I been gone?” I mentally prepare myself to hear the answer. Her eyes lower to my chest, and I know the answer isn’t going to be one I’ll want to hear.

  “As far as I know… about a month,” she mutters quietly.

  “A month!” I listen in shocked disbelief while gripping the glass tightly in between my hands. I take deep breaths and glance at the ceiling. It’s like I’ve regressed back three years.

  “Has Cal been in control this entire time?” I ask nervously, wondering if he’s had a chance to follow through with finding our dad, and has… no, Dexter wouldn’t let that happen. It’s the entire reason I agree to let his people follow me. My eyes land back on Lauren and now her entire lip is crushed between her teeth, and she’s gripping her wrist, which I know she does when she’s nervous.

  “What… tell me, what did he do?”

  Her eyes land on the table. “What is the last thing that you remember?” she asks carefully.

  I can feel my brows furrow. I clasp my hands together. “I remember…” I chuckle angrily at myself. “I remember telling my mom about Lisa and my dad.”

  She nods.

  “How is she?” I ask, realizing how much pain my mom is probably in. My face is on fire from my anger, and thinking about my dad causes my fist to clench involuntarily.

  “As well as to be expected,” Lauren says sullenly. I push myself away from the island and grip my head letting out a groan. I have to stop myself from kicking the stool. She says it’s been a month, but the memory is so fresh as if it just happened minutes ago. Lisa crying and telling me how sorry she is while parading the daughter she created with my dad right out in front of me. How my dad tried to explain himself to my mom, and me like what he did was explainable. As if there was anything he could say to justify screwing my best friend while we were teenagers, for lying and hiding it all of this time, for hindering my treatment for his own selfish reasons. The man who taught me about being not just a man, but also a good man, is a hypocrite, a liar, a cheater and a complete asshole.

  “Chris, breathe.” Lauren’s voice is tight and high-pitched, and I realize my own breathing is erratic and how tight my chest is. She tugs my hand toward the floor to sit down, and she sits across from me holding my hand, her eyes not leaving mine. I focus on her eyes, her lips, her touch, and I force myself to calm down. The worst thing that can happen is to lose control and let Cal come back again.

  “Deep breaths,” she says while her hands gently cup my face.

  “I’m okay.” She nods giving me a small smile, her hands moving from my face to my sides. I close my eyes tightly for a minute and then open them and try to give her a reassuring smile.

  “There are things that you need to know,” she says quietly, and I nod preparing myself seeing as how her face has gone grim.

  “I know you may not be in the best place now,” she keeps her tone light even though her voice is heavy and it scares me, but I refuse to let her see it.

  “I’m ready to hear whatever it is,” I try to assure her squeezing her hands.

  “After all that’s happened, keepi
ng secrets just doesn’t seem to work out for this family,” she chuckles and I can’t help but do the same.

  “Go ahead,” I tell her firmly.

  “When you left, Cal wasn’t the person who took over,” she says hesitantly, and I scratch my head.

  “What do you mean?”

  “I mean another alter surfaced,” she says hesitantly, her voice even but quiet. I can’t help but cock my head to the side and look at her in confusion. I laugh at first, but when I see her voice doesn’t break, I laugh again, long and loud and my head is shaking back and forth in disbelief.

  No way. There is no fucking way! I can feel a frown locked on my face as she takes in a deep breath to reveal more.

  “His name is Collin.” Her eyes don’t look at mine, and I throw my head back in frustration.

  “Well, that’s just fantastic,” I say bitterly. “Is he as big of a jerk as Cal is?” I shrug with indifference, but I can tell my comment has irritated her and I can’t help but feel a pinch of jealousy.

  “He was different than Cal. He was different than both of you actually,” she says with a small grin, and I feel myself frown.

  “You liked him?” I ask surprised, that pinch from earlier feeling like a nudge. She rolls her eyes, and I can tell she’s irritated by the question.

  “He wasn’t around long enough for me to know if I liked him or not.” Her cheeks redden. “That’s not actually the point right now. He seems to be a neutral party in all of this and what’s more important is what he did,” she says firmly.

  “Okay, what did he do?” I ask her, annoyance flowing through my voice. I try not to grit my teeth, but it’s pointless. She takes a deep breath and tells me all that’s transpired after I blacked out. Apparently this Collin is the mediator and knows more about what’s going on than me and Cal combined. Just peachy.

  Oh, and we can’t forget that he tried to extort Dexter Crestfield who turns out is actually my biological dad. Not only that but Lauren and my other dad had to stop Cal from killing the man who he thought was responsible for killing my mother when in all actuality she set up her five-year-old son to do the dirty work for her.

  After hearing all of this, I feel like I’ve run a marathon. Her voice is calm even though I can imagine her heart has to be pounding a million miles a minute from the way her eyes dart between my face, my chest, the ceiling, and the floor. Her gaze sweeps over me after she’s done, as if she’s waiting with bated breath for me to react. For a brief moment, I wonder what Cal would do in this situation, what Collin would do. How can I really be surprised? After hearing what my dad, my hero did to my mother, the parents I grew up with and trusted, the actions of parents I never knew doesn’t surprise me at all.

  “I don’t know what to say. I guess, Cal couldn’t handle finding that out?” I ask and her eyes widen in shock.

  “Cal, couldn’t handle it?” she asks me curiously. I stuff my hands in the pockets of jeans I don’t remember buying. “What I just told you doesn’t bother you at all?” she asks, confusion littering her face.

  “It does. I mean some of it,” I admit with a shrug and wipe my forehead.

  “I thought all of it would be overwhelming,” she answers seemingly confused by my response to all of this.

  “I didn’t know my biological parents—well apparently I do since my grandfather is really my dad. But what you said happened with me as a kid, I-I don’t remember it. It…” I trail off thinking how callous it must sound, or stupid even.

  “It’s as if it didn’t happen to me. It doesn’t compare to what’s already happened,” I say quietly.

  “You mean like it happened to Cal?” she asks unsurely.

  “You could say that. I’m seriously messed up. In some weird way I feel detached from it, like it happened to Cal and not me, which is strange but it’s how I feel. Like it happened to someone else. I even feel sorry for him. Just the fact that Dexter Crestfield is my dad, that Dexter isn’t my uncle-in-law but my half-brother is what hits home.”

  Her gaze travels over my face and I see her attempting to read me, but my silence seems to be testing her resolve.

  I shake my head and this time I do stand and push the chair in frustration.

  “How do I even sound? You’ve just told me that my mother got me to kill her and I don’t feel any way about it. Something is wrong with me!”

  “Chris.” The color drains from her face as my blood turns cold the second I hear his voice behind me. I turn to see my dad standing with groceries in both arms, his expression is timid but he looks happy to know it’s me.

  He shouldn’t.

  “Mr. Scott, this isn’t a good time.” Lauren walks toward him quickly, her eyes wide as a cat’s. She’s obviously more intuitive than good ole dad here.

  “What are you doing here?” I ask, my tone lower than I’ve ever used with my dad. He swallows hard in response.

  “I-I’m here to help,” he stutters, nervously. I look at his face, which looks older than I last remember. He’s tired and stressed, but I really don’t give a shit.

  “Wait, you don’t think you’ve done enough?” I chuckle sarcastically. He looks down defeated. He’s so different from the man I thought he was. The man I used to look up to, whom I respected, admired and wanted to be like. Now he’s nothing. He’s dirt.

  “Help?” I laugh, feeling my jaw clench. “How could you help? This is all your fault. You’re a liar!” I yell at him. His face turns beet red, and his jaw clenches.

  “I made a mistake.”

  “Mistake?” All the muscles in my body tighten.

  “You think screwing my best friend was a mistake? Cheating on my mother was a mistake? It wasn’t a mistake, Dad! A mistake is setting the time wrong on an alarm, incorrectly balancing your checkbook. That’s a mistake. What you did was not a mistake or an accident. You ruined our family! You destroyed my friendship, you broke my mother’s heart and you hid it all, regardless of what it did to me,” I walk closer to him, and I can see the water building in his eyes as I ignore the water in my own.

  “I will never, ever forgive you for what you did. You are nothing to me.” I step away from him, giving him one last glance to know how serious I am, how disgusted he makes me. I look back at Lauren who has tears in her own eyes. I wonder if she’s crying for me, for him, or for herself who has been dragged into this dysfunctional soap opera.

  “You can show him the door if he can’t find it himself,” I tell her before leaving the room. I wipe away the one tear that escaped my eye. It’ll be the last one that ever sheds for him. He might as well be dead to me.

  He is.

  I’m an orphan again.

  Chapter 21

  Lauren

  Is this our world now? Are fights, angriness, bitterness and hatred the only things to look forward to? The anger and devastation between Chris and Mr. Scott felt tangible, suffocating us all. I am not a big fan of Mr. Scott. I detest what he did, how he treated me, and he deserves to feel contrite for his act—but seeing how broken he was after Chris verbally eviscerated him—I can’t help but feel sorry for him, and more so than that, I’m afraid.

  I’m terrified because Chris has never been so hard and cold before.

  Chris is supposed to be the reasonable one, the one who forgives. He’s the one whose heart isn’t hardened, whose spirit isn’t broken. This isn’t who he is. But who is Chris now with everything out in the open? I don’t know who he or Cal is anymore. Has the dynamics changed? Are the men I know still in there? It seems like everything I know has switched. When Cal was here, he was disoriented, broken, and unwillingly vulnerable. Chris is… I don’t even know how to describe him now, but he is not the man I met just a few months ago. Not the man that I just saw. I don’t know who that person was, and watching him act like that was painful. I can’t imagine the pain he’s in, or how bad he’s hurting. I’ve realized that for Chris this is still as fresh as the day he found out. He hasn’t had time to process any of this because right after he f
ound out Collin took over, and then Cal, and now he’s back in the same space that caused him to leave.

  My head hurts. It’s pounding so hard because I don’t know what to do, or how to fix this. Before I thought that if they integrated everything would be fine. I thought if we found out the truth things would be better but, the truth hasn’t fixed anything and if anything has made it worse. I’m dealing with a fractured man, all the pieces broken and I’m not sure how to put the pieces back together. I have no clue what to do.

  How do I bring Caylen into this? Even with his state of mind now I know he’d never hurt her but is this even healthy for a child? What if we can’t recover from this?

  “I’m going to head out.” I look up and see Mr. Scott, looking almost as broken as his son. I forgot that he was still here. It’s been an hour and a half since Chris confronted him, and to be honest, a part of me is sad that he’s leaving because I’m afraid that I can’t handle this alone. I nod at him, his blue eyes are dull and heavy, and he looks as defeated as I feel.

  “Are you going to be okay?” he asks quietly, shifting the bag on his shoulder. I let out a sigh and plaster on a smile.

  “I always am,” I tell him in the most upbeat tone I can and wrap my arms around my legs. He looks toward the stairs as if making sure Chris isn’t going to pounce and attack.