A Hole in My Heart

by E. L. Todd

  A Hole In My Heart

  Book Fifteen of The Forever and Ever Series

  E. L. Todd

  “What if I fall?

  Oh but my darling, what if you fly?”

  Erin Hanson

  Chapter One

  Slade

  Being without Trinity was practically torture. Everything hurt, and it hurt all the time. I hadn’t been sleeping well, even with Cayson there, and when I did fall asleep, my dreams were filled with Trinity. Sometimes they were good dreams, where we were sitting on her couch holding each other. Others were heartbreaking, where she walked down the aisle and met a stranger at the end. When that happened, I woke up in a cold sweat.

  When I went to her apartment and begged her for just one more night, I feared I was going to die if I didn’t get what I wanted. I needed to feel her in my arms for more than just a second. My health depended on it. When she agreed, I knew she was just as unwell as I was.

  All I wanted was Trinity. I just wanted to go back to the way we were. Marriage was so stupid. But was it really more important than our happiness? When I offered to marry her, it was only a compromise. I didn’t actually want to get married. Signing a marriage license and having a big party for a single day sounded ridiculous. But I would do it if that’s what she wanted.

  Trinity was burned by my offer, realizing that I would never be the romantic type of guy. I would never think of marriage in a positive way. A part of me was irritated she hadn’t realized this a long time ago. And why would she want to have kids with me anyway? I would be a terrible parent. But, of course, I would do that for her as long as I got to keep her, even if I really didn’t want to.

  Ugh, why was this happening? Why couldn’t we be together? Why couldn’t we stay the same? Everything was perfect. The second she brought up marriage, it all went to shit.

  Cayson stared at me from his side of the booth. His beer was untouched and so was mine. “You haven’t spoken in twenty minutes.”

  I rested my head on my propped up hand. “Nothing to say…”

  “Slade, come on. You need to start eating and get back on your feet. It’s been over a month.”

  “I slept with her.” I released a heavy sigh when I remembered it. It was such a wonderful night. I got to hold her and kiss her. I’d do anything to feel that again.

  Cayson’s eyes widened. “What did you do?”

  “The other night…I went over there and it happened.”

  He sighed then rested his face in his hands. He took a moment before he composed himself. “Slade, you’re just making this harder on yourself.”

  “I can’t help it…”

  “You’re a total mess without her and you’re clearly meant to be with her. Just marry her, Slade.”

  “I offered,” I snapped.

  “But actually mean it.”

  I rubbed my temple. “Cayson, I told you how I feel about marriage. And you know how I feel about Trinity. If I don’t want to marry her, then I’m obviously never going to change my mind about it.”

  “Then you’re going to lose her to someone else.” He took a deep breath like he was in pain.

  “I just don’t see the good in it. It’s just a piece of paper. It doesn’t mean anything.”

  “Then you shouldn’t have a problem signing it.”

  “Humans aren’t meant to mate with the same person indefinitely. That’s a scientific fact. I’m not making that up.”

  “I’m sure that’s true,” he said simply. “But do you want to mate with anyone else but Trinity? Now or ever?”

  A shadow covered my eyes. “No…”

  “I don’t think that scientific fact applies to you and I. There isn’t a doubt in my mind that Skye is the only person I want to have sex with for as long as I live.”

  “That’s not the point.”

  “Slade,” he snapped. “You’re being really annoying about this.”

  “Annoying?” I asked incredulously.

  “Yes, you’re making an ass out of yourself.”

  “An ass?”

  “You said those things to me when I couldn’t make up my mind about Skye. Now I’m saying them to you, for your own good.” He paused and the frustration left his voice. “I know you want to spend the rest of your life with Trinity. Perhaps it’s not in the way you prefer, but it’s still the same thing.”

  “But I don’t want to have kids,” I blurted.

  “You don’t have to have them right away,” he argued. “You have, like, six years before that time comes. I don’t want to have kids right now either. You’ll feel differently when you get older.”

  “Kids just ruin your life. They take up all your time, and then they act as cock blocks. Why the hell would I want to have a bunch of brats running around?”

  “You know who you remind me of?”

  I shrugged. “Who?”

  “Your dad.”

  “My dad?” I asked incredulously.

  “He’s the most laid back whatever kind of guy. He even said he didn’t want to have kids, and he thought he would be a terrible parent. But look at him. He had you and Silke and he still works at a tattoo parlor. He still does all the things he enjoys. His life isn’t that much different than it used to be. Life doesn’t have to end at marriage and kids.”

  That was the only point Cayson made that seemed valid. Dad was laid back and he’d always been. He still did the things he enjoyed. But I wasn’t as intelligent or calm as he was. Just because he did it didn’t mean I could handle it.

  “And it’s not like you’d be doing it alone. Trinity will be there the whole time. Whenever you need help, she’ll be there. It’s not like all the weight is on your shoulders. Doesn’t the idea of having Trinity as your partner for life sound great?”

  I shrugged. “Knowing she’d always be mine wouldn’t be terrible…”

  “She’d be legally bound to you. Everyone will recognize you as partners. Isn’t that what you want?”

  “I don’t know…if she’s legally bound to me, she’s stuck with me.”

  “I’m sure she wouldn’t mind being stuck with you.”

  I drank my beer and downed half of it. “I don’t know, man… When you put a spin on it like that, it sounds great. But…I know that isn’t me. I would be a terrible husband. I would disappoint her over and over.”

  “Why do you think that?” he asked simply.

  “Come on, I’m Slade,” I said. “I’m covered in tattoos, I play in a rock band, and all I want to do is ink for a living. I’m the least responsible person in the world. What kind of husband and father could I ever be?”

  “Didn’t you run your dad’s shop for a whole month without him there?”

  “Well, yeah…”

  “That doesn’t sound irresponsible to me.”

  I drank my beer again.

  “You founded a rock band, and you’re really talented. And running a band also takes responsibility.”

  I stared at my beer, watching the foam float on the surface.

  “And you treated Trinity like a queen, after you guys were public. You made her happy and took care of her. When she couldn’t walk, you were the one who took her to class every day and gave her medication. Dude, I know you have this label as a bad boy who doesn’t give a damn about anyone but himself but that’s not you anymore. You’re a completely different person now. If Skye and I had kids, I’d let you babysit them in a heartbeat.”

  “Really?” I asked quietly.

  “Of course,” he said. “I know you’d take good care of them. I wouldn’t be worried at all.”

  It meant a lot to me that he had that much faith in me. “Have you decided what job to take?”

  “Don’t change the subject,” he said coldly. “We’re talking ab
out you right now.”

  “Well, that’s all we ever talk about.”

  “Bottom line, I know you want to marry Trinity and have a family and all that stuff you’re terrified of. And not because you have to in order to keep her. I know you want it for yourself.”

  I finished my beer and left the empty glass on the table. I had warmed up to the idea but I still wasn’t convinced of it. “I’m going to get another beer.”

  “Okay.” He watched me with knowing eyes.

  I walked to the bar then waited for the bartender to notice me.

  “Oh my god, that’s him!” a girl shouted over the music.

  I ignored the annoying sound of her voice and just tried to get my beer.

  “Are you sure?” another one said.

  “Yes! Look at his tattoos,” the first girl said.

  Shit, they were talking about me, weren’t they?

  A light tapping on my shoulder announced their presence.

  I sighed then turned around.

  Two girls in short dresses were smiling at me. Their hair was perfectly styled, and make up was caked on their faces. Sky-high heels were on their feet, and they looked like the type of girls I’d hook up with and never call again.

  “Can I help you?” I said quietly.

  “You’re the singer for Alligators Down Under!” The brunette could barely stand still because she kept squirming.

  “Uh, yeah.” I turned back to the bartender and tried to get his attention. “You’re so good,” the other girl said. “Like the best guitarist ever.”

  “Thanks,” I said, not taking their compliments to heart.

  “Can I have your autograph?” the first brunette asked.

  I wasn’t even famous. “Uh, sure.” I grabbed a napkin then found a pen on the counter.

  “No, sign me here!” The second girl pulled down her left dress strap and revealed the skin above her breast.

  “Uh…” I stared at the area, unsure what to do.

  “Come on,” she said. “Please.”

  If Trinity saw me do that, she’d be livid. But then, I sadly remembered she wasn’t my girlfriend anymore. I signed the napkin and handed it over. “This is all I can give you.”

  She took it and stuffed it into her bra. “Thank you.”

  The other girl moved in. “You’re really cute.” She touched my arm.

  I moved away. I wished I had my beer but that didn’t seem like it was going to happen. And I wanted to get away from these groupies. “I have to go.”

  “Wait.” The first girl grabbed my arm then stroked it. “You want to come back to our place? We’re roommates.”

  Did they just invite me to a threesome? If this were two years ago, I’d take their offer in a heartbeat. But now, the idea of having sex with strangers sounded depressing. Trinity was the only woman I thought of in that way. “I have to go.”

  “No.” She tugged on my arm. “Tell us about your music.”

  Now I just wanted to smack them. If they were men, I’d tell them off. But it was hard for me to be a jackass to girls. A lot had changed since Trinity came into my life. “Let me go,” I said calmly.

  She sighed and dropped her embrace. “You’re no fun.”

  “He must still be with that girl…” The other leaned toward her as she said it.

  Hearing them mention Trinity made me depressed. All my songs were about her. I couldn’t even play music to be distracted because she was all I could think about. I headed back to the table toward Cayson before they snatched me again.

  When I looked at the table, I saw Skye and Trinity standing there. I froze on the spot, seeing the look of hurt on Trinity’s face. Her eyes burned with unspent tears, and her lips were pressed tightly together, like she was trying to stop them from quivering.

  Fuck, she must have watched me with the two girls.

  I walked to the table quickly and reached her. “It’s not how it looks. I wasn’t flirting with them and I’m not sleeping with them.”

  Trinity stared at me blankly.

  Skye and Cayson looked at each other then stepped away from the table.

  Trinity averted her gaze. “Slade, do whatever you want.” Hurt was in her voice.

  “I wasn’t flirting with them. I swear.”

  “I saw you,” she hissed. “You’re free to do whatever you want, but be a man about it and don’t lie to me.”

  “I wasn’t!”

  “I saw you give her your number!” She looked like she was going to slap me.

  What was she talking about? “Oh! No, they just wanted an autograph. I wasn’t giving them my number.”

  “Whatever, Slade.” She stepped around me.

  “No.” I grabbed her arm and pulled her to my chest. “I’m not lying. Ask them if you really don’t believe me. I haven’t hooked up with anyone or even attempted it. I’m madly in love with you. I don’t want anyone else.”

  Her restraint disappeared, and she softened under me.

  My arms circled her waist and I pulled her to my chest. “Just you, baby.” I rested my chin on her head and took a deep breath when I felt her close to me. My hand moved up her back and I felt her bare skin. I remembered our night together and I desperately wanted to do that again.

  She rested her face against my chest and sighed.

  I ended the embrace then sat in the booth. Then I pulled her into my lap, feeling her ass right on top of my hard-on. I dug my hand into her hair and kissed her, wanting to fall into her hard. She returned the embrace with the same enthusiasm.

  “This needs to stop.” Skye pulled Trinity off me.

  “Hey!” Trinity glared at her.

  “You asked me to help you,” Skye said. “This is me helping you.”

  “No.” I grabbed Trinity and tried to pull her back to me.

  Cayson intervened on my behalf. “You’re just making this more difficult for both of you.” He blocked my way so I couldn’t grab Trinity. “Nothing has changed, right?”

  Trinity and I remained silent.

  “Then you need to control yourself around each other,” Skye said. “Otherwise, it’ll be a million times harder.”

  I stared at the table, feeling depressed all over again.

  “Come on. Let’s go.” Skye pulled Trinity out of the bar.

  I sighed while I felt the loneliness and pain rip through me.

  “All this will end if you just marry her,” Cayson said. “And want to.”

  I rested my face on the table even though I knew it was filthy. Then I closed my eyes, wishing this was all just some twisted nightmare.

  ***

  When I couldn’t sleep that night, I left my apartment and went to Trinity’s. I knew she would be awake, sitting in her living room like usual. Even when we weren’t together, I knew what she was doing every second of the day. It was impossible to stay away from her and I was sick of trying.

  I reached her door then knocked lightly.

  Like she’d been expecting me, she opened it.

  I stepped inside then locked the door behind me. All the lights were off in her apartment, and only the city lights illuminated her room.

  “This isn’t a good idea,” she whispered.

  “I don’t care.”

  “You should go.” She stepped back.

  I came closer then grabbed her. “No. There’s something I want to say.”

  She turned her beautiful blue eyes on me.

  “Why do we have to quit cold turkey? Why can’t we do this gradually?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Why don’t we slowly wean off each other? You know, sleep together sometimes and slowly stop seeing each other. Because cutting you out of my life like this is killing me. When we first got together, we just messed around. Slowly, we fell in love. So, why don’t we do the opposite? Slowly fall out of love?”

  She pulled away from me quickly like she’d been burned. “Fall out of love?” Her voice contained her emotion, like I said something unforgiveable to her. �
�Maybe you can continue to sleep with me and slowly let me go but I can’t do that. Whenever you’re around, I just fall for you harder. I wish it were that easy for me.”

  “That’s not what I meant…”

  “It’s exactly what you meant,” she hissed. “You want to use me until you get over me like a fucking nicotine patch.”

  “It’s not like that! I just want to be with you. I’m desperate.”

  Pain burned in her eyes like a bonfire. “If you wanted to marry me, that would solve all your problems.”

  “Let’s move in together,” I said. “Then it’ll be like we are married. I’ll come home to you every day and we can have the things you want. It’s a win-win.”

  “So, you want me to settle for being someone’s girlfriend when I’m forty?”

  “It’s just a label,” I argued. “Who cares what label it is.”

  She pointed her finger hard in her chest. “I care! I do, Slade. When are you going to get that?”

  I gripped my skull, knowing this was just going in circles. “Trinity, I’m trying to keep us together. Meet me halfway.”

  “No!” Tears emerged and fell down her cheeks. “I will not settle! I want a husband. I want someone who wants to marry me. I want someone who cares about labels, who wants to call me his wife. I do not want to shack up with a boyfriend for a few years until he gets tired of me and leaves. I want forever with someone, not just a few months or years.”

  “I want forever with you.”

  “No, you don’t,” she spat.

  “Yes, I do!”

  “It’s a direct contradiction to what you said. You want to be with me forever but you don’t want to get married?” she asked incredulously.

  “That’s exactly what I want. Trinity, I’m not going to get tired of you. When we’re forty or fifty, I’m not going to drop you. It’ll be like we’re married but without that stupid piece of paper.”

  “That piece of paper isn’t stupid! It represents a commitment between two people who love each other. It represents a joining of two souls. It’s not stupid. You’re stupid!”

  I wished she would just agree to my offer. Both of us being in pain like this was pointless. I wanted her and she wanted me. Why couldn’t we just be together? “Trinity, all that matters is we love each other. Therefore, we should be together. Does it matter if we’re married or not?”