A Hole in My Heart

by E. L. Todd

  Dad chuckled then hugged me. “You’re used to being the center of attention.”

  “No, I’m just used to being acknowledged,” I said. Then I hugged my mom.

  “You look lovely, dear,” she said.

  “You too, Mom.” I sat down beside Reid.

  Reid didn’t touch me and grabbed his menu.

  I stared at my parents across the table. “Reid and I aren’t dating. We’ll never date. We’re just friends. So stop acting like he’s your new son-in-law.”

  “What?” Dad feigned innocence. “I just like Reid. I’ve known him for a long time.”

  “Tell them, Reid,” I said.

  He looked a little uncomfortable. “She’s right. We really are just friends.”

  Both of my parents looked devastated.

  “Well, that can change,” Dad said. “Give it time.”

  “No,” I argued. “Reid and I will never be together again. You need to accept that. Slade and I haven’t even been broken up for two months. You really think I’d date someone else that quickly?”

  “Well, considering he’s a piece of shit and he’s totally worthless, I was hoping you weren’t going to waste any more time thinking about him.” Dad sipped his wine then returned it to the table.

  “He’s not a piece of shit,” I argued. “And he’s not worthless.”

  Dad released a sarcastic laugh. “Right…”

  “I don’t hate Slade and neither should you,” I said. “Couples break up all the time. It was my mistake for being with him. It was a stupid decision. But don’t put all the blame on Slade.”

  “Too bad,” Dad said simply then looked at his menu. “I think I’ll get the chicken pesto. What about you, Reid?”

  I sighed in irritation as he changed the subject.

  Reid looked at his menu. “That sounds pretty good. I think I’ll get the same.”

  “Excellent taste, son,” Dad said.

  I almost flipped the table over. “Do not call him that!” I couldn’t keep my voice down because I was so angry.

  Dad calmly put his menu down. “It’s just an expression.”

  “Well, you never used that expression on Slade.”

  “Because I knew he would never be in this family,” he said simply. “I told you that already, Trinity.”

  I was fuming, steam was practically coming out of my ears.

  Reid leaned toward me. “Just get through dinner… I’ll talk to him privately.” He grabbed my hand under the table and caressed my knuckles.

  The anger started to dissipate. “Thank you.”

  “Mike, back off,” Mom whispered to Dad. “Let’s just have a nice meal together.”

  Dad turned to her, shared a look with her, and then dropped his gaze.

  Reid gave me another squeeze before he let go.

  Dad turned to Reid. “So, how’s the bank?”

  Reid talked about running the different branches. When he spoke, he didn’t seem that enthused, but I knew banking wasn’t his passion. Dad seemed interested in everything he had to say.

  I looked out the window, finding more entertainment on the street. People passed by on the sidewalk, and the area was saturated with passersby. I watched couples holding hands, mentally spiting at them and their joy. I remembered when Slade and I were happily in love. Those days were over.

  A man stood near the curb, and his size and shadow was prevalent on my peripheral vision. He was absolutely still, not moving or turning. Freaks and weirdoes were just as common in the city as people in suits and ties. It wasn’t anything to blink an eye over. Interested, I turned to get a good look at him. But it wasn’t a freak.

  Slade stood there, staring into the window and watching us have dinner. His chest rose and fell like he was hyperventilating, and his eyes were wide like he’d just seen death. His hands were by his sides with his fists clenched tightly. His knuckles were white. People moved around him as they passed, not paying attention to the man who couldn’t contain his rage. Despair and pain were bright in his eyes, coming and going like the spinning beacon from a lighthouse. The usual blueness of his iris had changed to faded gray, almost white. It reminded me of a cold spring as the snow melted and flooded a river.

  His shoulders were tense, like an invisible boulder weighed him down. His muscles were tightening to hold up the weight, but they were struggling against the undefeatable task. The veins in his neck were prominent, the skin stretched tight over his body.

  Heartbreak was visible in every inch of his stance. He looked into the window like he was watching his worst nightmare. Seeing the massacre of his entire family before his eyes. Anger was etched into every feature of his face. His lips were pressed tightly together in a scowl, and the vein in his forehead was throbbing. His jaw was clenched tightly, his jawbone more prominent than usual. And his eyes contained his devastation.

  I left my seat and knocked it over as I rushed out of the restaurant. If I didn’t reach Slade first, then he would reach me and make a scene in the quiet restaurant. He would punch Reid until his eyes were swollen shut. Then he would break every limb in his body.

  I pushed past the host then ran outside.

  Slade was in the exact same spot as before, still staring into the window as my family and Reid stared back at him in shock. He looked maniacal, like he could break someone’s neck without any remorse.

  I jogged to him, making sure I didn’t trip on my heels. “Slade.”

  Like a robot, he turned his head in my direction. The movement was slow and eerie. He stared at me like he had no idea who I was. He was in such shock that he couldn’t comprehend what he was seeing.

  “It’s not how it looks.”

  My words seemed to bring him back to reality. “Not how it looks?” His voice carried more disdain than ever before. “We’ve been broken up for just two months, and you’re already with Reid again?” Despair I’d never heard was evident in every word. “And you’re having dinner with your parents? Something you never did with me. You’ve obviously been fucking him for a while.”

  “I haven’t fucked him at all,” I said calmly.

  “Don’t fucking lie to me.” He got in my face and screamed. “How could you do this to me? Did you ever love me? I’ve been dead miserable over you and you’ve been with that asshole?”

  “I’m not lying!”

  Realization came into his eyes. “That’s why you’re never home. You’re always with him!” He pointed at Reid through the window then gripped his skull. “God, that is so fucked up. I’ve been moping around like a damn chump over you, and you’re already over me.”

  “Reid and I have been spending time together, but no, we aren’t seeing each other. We haven’t even touched each other.”

  “I just watched you hold his hand.”

  “Well, that’s not what it looked like.”

  “I saw it with my own eyes! Don’t tell me it didn’t happen!” He was screaming so loud that passing New Yorkers noticed him. And that was a hard feat to accomplish.

  “I’m not saying it didn’t happen. Reid just wanted to make me feel better.”

  “Well, why didn’t he just take you back to his place for a quickie? I’m sure that would make you feel loads better.”

  “I’m not sleeping with him!”

  “It’s one thing to go back to him so quickly, but it’s so much worse to lie about it. If you’re with him, just admit it.”

  “I’m not,” I said firmly. “We’ve been hanging out as friends—nothing more.”

  “Friends with benefits, maybe.”

  “No! He’s been helping me with my company and trying to be there for me as a friend. I told him I would never date him again and that I’m still in love with you.”

  Those words seemed to dim his anger, but it only lasted a millisecond. “And your family just wanted to have dinner with both of you? Because you’re friends? Your dad never once invited me to spend the evening with all of you. I’ll always live in his shadow, won’t I? I’m just a h
uge, terrible mistake.”

  I was growing tired of his anger. It was unfounded and unfair. “You don’t want to be with me so what does it matter anyway? What did you think was going to happen? That I would mourn you forever? If you don’t want to marry me, then you need to accept that someone else will. You and I are done and we’re done forever. I’m not going to go back and forth with you all the time. I’m not going to be your booty call. I’m not going to sit around and cry about you all day. Our relationship is dead and it’s run its course. Now it’s time to move on.”

  “With Reid?” he asked with disdain.

  “What does it matter who it’s with?” I snapped.

  “How can you move on so quickly?” he demanded. “I can’t even look at another girl that way.”

  “I haven’t moved on! I told you he’s just a friend.”

  “Don’t lie to me!”

  Angry, I pushed him. “I’m sick of this, Slade. If you don’t believe me, fine. It doesn’t make a difference to me. Just get away from me and stay out of my life. You have no right to sit there and point fingers at me. You knew I wanted to get married someday, and when you knew you could never make that commitment, you still stayed. You wasted years of my life that I’ll never get back. So, I don’t care if you’re hurt by the fact I’m spending time with Reid. If you really wanted me for yourself, you wouldn’t have said marriage to me was synonymous with prison!”

  “I said I was sorry! I took it back!”

  “There’s no such thing as take backs,” I snapped. “You said it, and you damn well meant it. Just because you feel that way doesn’t mean other men do. Reid feels the same way about marriage as I do, so shouldn’t you be happy for me? Shouldn’t you be glad I found someone who wants the same things I do? Shouldn’t you be relieved that the weight is now off your shoulders? You can go back to fucking random women you meet at bars and having threesomes and whatever the hell you used to do. You can enjoy life as a bachelor forever, and when everyone is settled down and happy, you can have yourself for company. If that’s the future you want, then fine. But my future is going to be different.” I turned around and headed back to the restaurant entrance.

  “Wait.”

  I turned around and gave him a glare that showed all my hatred.

  “Have a good life, Trinity.” He gave me a pained look then walked away, disappearing into the crowd.

  I watched him go, feeling tears emerge under my eyes. Unable to hold them back, they fell and dripped down my warm cheeks. I blinked rapidly and tried to fight them but it was no use. They poured down my face like a waterfall on a hot spring day.

  Warm arms circled me and I was pulled into someone’s chest. After I took a deep breath, I recognized Reid’s scent. I still remembered it from two years before. He held me close to him and rubbed my back. He pressed his mouth to my ear. “I’m sorry.”

  Chapter Eight

  Clementine

  Ward was curled around me like a snake. His long leg between mine, and his arm was hooked around my waist like a steel cage. His chest rose and fell steadily against my back, and every once in a while, a quiet sigh would escape his lips as he slept.

  My eyes were open and I stared out the window. The sunshine was coming through, and the rays made me feel excited for the upcoming day. I hated rainy and cold days. The sunshine was what I craved most.

  I didn’t stir because I didn’t want to wake up Ward. He must be tired from our evening rendezvous. Last night, our sex was different. It was always good, but this time it was sensual in a way that couldn’t be described with words. When our bodies combined, so did our souls.

  Ward stirred quietly then released a deep moan. “I really need to get some curtains…bloody sun.”

  “I like it,” I whispered.

  He released a deep sigh. “Okay, I’ll leave it. It’s hardly sunny here anyway.” He pressed his face into my neck and breathed on my skin. “How’d you sleep?”

  “Great. You’re like a big, cuddly grizzly bear.”

  “Are you calling me hairy?” he asked with a smile in his voice.

  “I’m calling you warm.”

  “Well, as long as I keep you happy, I don’t care what you call me. And I do like honey.”

  I looked at him over my shoulder. “You do?”

  “And I would love to eat it off you.”

  “That sounds sticky…and it would ruin your bed.”

  “And pieces of chocolate don’t?” he teased.

  My cheeks blushed. “In my defense, you shouldn’t have left it on the nightstand.”

  He chuckled. “Okay, I’ll take the blame.”

  I moved from his embrace and sat up. I was wearing his t-shirt that was a zillion sizes too big for me. It reached past my knees.

  “What do you think you’re doing?” he asked. He lay in the same spot but looped his arm around my waist and started to drag me back.

  I chuckled and moved away. “We have a plane to catch. Remember?”

  He groaned in annoyance. “Bloody hell…”

  I climbed on top of him then bounced up and down. “Get up, sleepyhead.”

  “Let’s just stay here an extra day.”

  “You have to work. You know, the whole reason why you’re flying there to begin with.”

  “Damn it.”

  I moved off him then headed to the shower. “Want to join me?”

  He propped himself up on his elbow and looked at me. “Sure. Why not?”

  ***

  After we packed our bags, we headed to the airport and boarded the plane. We sat in first class, something I’ve never done before. The seats were bigger and made of leather. The bathrooms were bigger too.

  “I think first class is a waste of money,” I whispered. “You’re still going to the same place.”

  “Well, when you fly as often as I do, and for so long, it’s essential.” He pulled out a book and began to read. “No one checked on you while you were gone?”

  “No one knew I left,” I said with a laugh.

  He nodded and kept his lips pressed together.

  I looked out the window and stared at the other planes.

  After everyone was seated and the bags were stowed away, we took off. The ride had some turbulence, but Ward never reacted to the bumps during the flight. He was always calm, like he expected it to be jarring. He kept reading.

  I didn’t fly often, so whenever I did, it was uncomfortable and claustrophobic. I pretended I was fine so I wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb, but I was just eager to get off the plane. Even in first class, I was still miserable.

  Ward seemed to pick up on my unease. “You all right, darling?”

  “I’m fine,” I said with a forced smile.

  He put down his book and stowed it in his bag. Then he turned his gaze on me. “Come here, darling.”

  “Come where, exactly?”

  He patted his lap. “Lie down.”

  “On a plane?”

  “It’s first class. We can do what we want. Now come.” He touched my shoulder gently then guided me across his lap. I looked up at him while he ran his fingers through my hair. “What kind of violin do you have?”

  The question was so unexpected I didn’t know what to say. “Hofner.”

  “Do you like it?”

  “I’ve been using the same one for seven years. I love it.”

  He nodded. “Your fingers are very soft for touching strings so often.”

  “I use a lot of lotion.”

  He grinned while he ran his fingers through my hair. “So do I.”

  I grinned then rolled my eyes.

  Ward asked me various questions about my music and profession. I told him about my first violin lesson, and the first time I sat down at a piano. I talked for a while before my mind started to grow hazy and I felt relaxed.

  Ward stared at me for a long time and didn’t ask any more questions. “Close your eyes, love.”

  My eyes drifted closed and I fell asleep.

&n
bsp; ***

  The shaking of the plane as it landed woke me up. My eyes flashed open and I searched for Ward’s face, needing reassurance that we weren’t crashing out of the sky.

  “We’re home,” he said quietly.

  “Wow, that was over fast.”

  “I would hope so,” he said with a chuckle. “You were asleep the entire time.”

  I realized Ward purposely put me to sleep so I wouldn’t be nervous. He delicately ran his fingers through my hair and asked me questions that would keep me calm. “Thanks…”

  “Anything for you, darling.”

  “The flight must have been boring for you.” He didn’t read or listen to music.

  “Not at all. I got to watch you sleep.”

  ***

  We got into a cab with our bags, and Ward gave him his address.

  I thought that was unusual. Ward usually took me home first. “I think I’m going to go home tonight…”

  He gave me a disappointed look. “How about you just sleep with me instead? You need your grizzly bear, right?” He leaned toward me and rubbed his nose against mine. “How else will you keep warm?”

  His words made me melt, and sadly, he didn’t even do it on purpose. He was a pro. The reason I had to go home tonight was because I was working at the strip club. I avoided mentioning it at all costs because he was so weird about it. “I have laundry to do and stuff…”

  “I have a washer and dryer,” he offered. “We can wash our undergarments together.” He winked at me while wearing a smirk.

  “Uh, I want to unpack too.”

  “Then can I come to your place?” he asked.

  Damn, he wouldn’t let it go. He was leaving me no choice. And I knew once I told him where I’d be tonight, he would be extremely put out. “I’m working tonight.”

  Like I expected, he immediately became sour. He turned away and looked out the window, hiding the rage and disappointment in his eyes. Even from his side profile, his clenched jaw was noticeable. He took a deep breath then released a sigh.

  I looked away, knowing our wonderful trip was officially ruined.

  ***

  Ward carried my bags into my apartment then placed them in my room. When he returned to the living room, he walked with squared shoulders and obvious tension in his stride.