A Hole in My Heart

by E. L. Todd

  “Thanks, Yaya,” Axel said. “And you’re beautiful, like always.”

  Yaya waved his comment away. “You’re sweet.”

  I approached the entryway and watched them have their moment. Embraces like that made me feel warm inside. It was easy to get swallowed up in depression. But times like this reminded me there was so much to live for.

  “Yaya, let me introduce you to my friend Hawke.”

  What did he say?

  Hawke stepped inside with a bag over his shoulder. “It’s a pleasure to meet you. Thank you for allowing me to spend the holiday with you.” He extended his hand to shake hers.

  Yaya ignored his gesture and pulled him in for a hug. “We hug around here. None of that handshaking crap.”

  Axel chuckled then set the bags down.

  “Sorry, I didn’t catch your name,” Hawke said as he patted her on the back. “Axel just said you’re his grandma.”

  She pulled away and patted his cheek. “It’s Yaya.”

  “Just Yaya?” he asked.

  Axel gripped his shoulder. “Just Yaya. Go with it.”

  “Okay,” Hawke said. “It’s nice to meet you, Yaya.”

  “The pleasure is mine, dear.”

  Was this really happening?

  Was I dreaming this?

  Hawke was staying here for the whole weekend?

  Why couldn’t I catch a break?

  Axel approached me and saw the expression on my face. “Whoa…just saw a ghost or what?”

  My eyes remained glued to Hawke. “Happy Thanksgiving…”

  “Uh, yeah.” He raised an eyebrow then gave me an awkward pat on the back. “Hawke, this is my annoying and bratty sister, Francesca.”

  When Hawke turned his gaze on me, he stiffened. The movement was so slight no one noticed but me. He took me in without reacting. His eyes didn’t display his thoughts like they usually did. They were infinitely deep, hiding away all his secrets.

  What do I say? What do I do?

  Hawke stepped closer to me, his eyes still glued to mine. He was clearly just as surprised to see me as I was to see him. Wearing jeans and a t-shirt, the casual attire made him look thick and strong. His conversation outside the house was so upbeat and friendly. I hadn’t heard him that way since our date. When he finally reached me, he examined my face like he was trying to gauge my thoughts. Then he extended his hand. “It’s a pleasure to meet you.”

  I eyed it and didn’t know if I should take it. If I acted like I knew him, I would have to explain to my family how we met. And that was a story I didn’t want to tell. I had a feeling Hawke didn’t either. I took his hand, and the second we touched I felt that usual fire course between us. We were two poles carrying the same wire. Electricity ran between us, and once the touch was severed, so was the energy. “It’s nice to meet you too. And yes, my brother does sound like Carrie Underwood when he sings.”

  A genuine smile stretched Hawke’s face. “I knew I wasn’t the only one who thought so.” He dropped his hand, and I immediately felt cold like I knew I would.

  Axel watched our interaction but didn’t pick up on the obvious connection between us. “Hawke and I work at the firm together. The one that works us like mules.”

  “At least when we aren’t messing around.” Hawke shot Axel a teasing look.

  “I’m surprised we haven’t been fired yet,” Axel said.

  “At least you can pursue your dream with your vocal talents,” Hawke teased.

  Axel rolled his eyes. “Let it go, man. People are going to think you’re being serious.”

  Hawke laughed. “Dude, I am being serious.”

  “Don’t call me dude,” Axel said.

  I couldn’t help but be reminded of my relationship with Marie. I called her dude on accident a few times too.

  “Let me show you to your room,” Yaya said. “It has a nice view of the trees.”

  “I’m sure it does.” Hawke stared at me as he spoke.

  We watched each other for a long time before he turned away and headed up the stairs with Yaya.

  I stayed put and was vaguely aware of Axel standing next to me.

  “Nice guy, huh?”

  “Sorry?” I didn’t catch what he said.

  “I said Hawke is a nice guy. I’m sure you guys will like him.”

  I already liked him—and a little too much. “Yeah…”

  ***

  Hawke and I didn’t have a chance to talk for the rest of the evening. We were always in the company of Yaya or Axel. When we sat across the table from each other at dinner, he was constantly staring at me when no one was looking. And when my brother spoke to him, he seemed to be only half-listening.

  Yaya loved him, which didn’t surprise me. She loved everyone. It didn’t matter who you were. You were always welcome in her home. When Hawke complimented her cooking, she loved him even more.

  “Want to go fishing tomorrow?” Axel asked.

  “You have a lake up here?” Hawke asked.

  “It’s a mile hike.”

  Hawke nodded. “Yeah, count me in.”

  “You coming, brat?” Axel looked at me.

  I shot him a glare. “I have a name.”

  “Whatever,” Axel said. “You want to come?”

  “She has a beautiful name,” Yaya said. “Call her by it.”

  Axel wouldn’t dare defy her. “Francesca, would you like to go?”

  I didn’t want to be any closer to Hawke than I had to, but it didn’t seem like I had a choice. Besides, I loved fishing. It brought back good childhood memories. “Sure.”

  “You coming, Yaya?” Axel asked.

  “No, I’ll pass,” Yaya said. “I’m not a fan of the smell.”

  “Okay,” Axel said. “We’ll go in the morning and be back by lunchtime.” Then he turned to me. “If you aren’t ready by six, we’re leaving without you.”

  “I’ll probably be awake before you.” My brother teased me a lot, but I knew it came from a good place.

  “You’re like a sloth,” Axel argued. “If I don’t poke you, you won’t move.”

  “And you’re like a snail. If I don’t pick you up and carry you, you’ll never go anywhere.”

  Yaya leaned toward Hawke. “They’ve been this way since they were kids.”

  Hawke chuckled. “It’s entertaining.”

  “Do you have siblings?” Yaya asked.

  “No, unfortunately.” He immediately took a sip of his water.

  “Consider yourself lucky,” Axel said.

  I never took his insults lying down. “And consider yourself lucky you don’t have a brother that sings like Carrie Underwood.”

  Hawke laughed but tried to stop himself.

  “Whatever.” Axel gathered the plates and took them to the sink. “I’m going to wash these just so I don’t have to look at your ugly face.”

  ***

  I sat in front of the fire while I read a book. The windows outside showed the forest and endless trees. It was a dark place, and sometimes my eyes played tricks on me when I looked into its depths.

  The TV was on, and Yaya sat in her usual recliner. Axel and Hawke were on the other couch. Even though I was reading, I could feel Hawke’s stare penetrate deep into my skin. I knew exactly when he was looking at me and when he wasn’t just from the heat of his gaze.

  Toward the late evening, Yaya yawned then left her recliner. “I’m going to bed. You guys have fun fishing tomorrow.”

  “We will,” Axel said.

  “Good night, Yaya,” Hawke said.

  I waved to Yaya as she walked up the stairs. “See you in the morning.”

  She stared at all of us with affection in her eyes. It looked like she was about to cry. “So nice having you here…” Then she walked up the stairs. When her footsteps receded and her bedroom door closed, we knew she was gone.

  “She’s a really sweet lady,” Hawke said.

  “Yeah, she’s pretty cool,” Axel said.

  They continued to watch TV.


  I went back to reading my book and knew Hawke was staring at me again. I couldn’t believe I had to spend the entire weekend with him. It was supposed to be a relaxing vacation but now I had to be on my guard the entire time. My goal was to stop thinking about Hawke but that was backfiring.

  “I’m tired,” Axel said an hour later. “We should get to bed since we have to get up early.”

  “Yeah.”

  Axel got up and headed for the stairs. “You coming?”

  “In a little bit,” Hawke said.

  Axel shot him a suspicious look before he glanced at me. Then he turned back to Hawke. It looked like he wanted to say something but he decided not to. He walked upstairs and moved down the hardwood hallway. Then his bedroom door opened and closed.

  I knew exactly why Hawke stayed down there.

  “I didn’t know.” That was all he said, and he said it like it explained everything.

  I put down my book and turned to him. “Yaya didn’t give it away?”

  “Axel didn’t refer to her that way. He just invited me to spend the weekend with his family. He didn’t specify who that entailed.”

  I knew I couldn’t be mad at him. “Well, you’ll have a great time. My family is really nice—even my brother.” He didn’t have a family to spend the weekend with so how could I make him feel bad about that?

  “Yaya is a very warm person. I see where you get it from.”

  His compliment made me flinch. He didn’t know me well enough to make a statement like that.

  “I’m sorry if I ruined your weekend.”

  “You didn’t,” I said automatically.

  The sound of running water made us both look up. My brother was probably getting ready for bed, which meant he might overhear us talking.

  I set the book on the table then moved to the seat beside him. “You didn’t,” I repeated in a lower voice.

  He looked into my face freely, and his bright blue eyes were breathtaking like always. He glanced at my lips like he wanted to kiss me, but then he quickly looked away like the thought hadn’t crossed his mind to begin with. “I don’t want this to be awkward for you.”

  “It’s not. There’s no reason why we can’t be friends.” Even though I still wanted to be something more.

  “You want to be my friend?” His voice was full of surprise.

  “Why wouldn’t I want to?”

  He pressed his lips tightly together as he considered it. “I know we have an unusual circumstance.”

  Because you made it that way. “I’m willing to leave the past in the past if you are.”

  He released a deep sigh like my words hurt him. “Then let’s move forward.”

  This guy was an enigma. I still couldn’t figure him out. It was like our date had never happened. Did he forget about the passionate kisses in front of the door? Did he forget how good that felt? Or did he feel nothing on his part? I wanted to ask him, but I knew it would lead nowhere. “Well…I’ll see you in the morning.”

  “Yeah.” He continued to stare at me like he never wanted to stop.

  The gaze made me sit still longer than I wanted to. I stayed in my seat for another minute, just returning his gaze. Then I finally pulled myself away and headed up the stairs. I tried to get to my room as quickly as possible, knowing my room was directly next to his.

  I sat at the edge of the bed then looked out the bedroom window. The moon hung low in the sky, and it cast a bright light into the room. Shadows fell everywhere. I tried to clear my mind and think about the quiet beauty all around me.

  But all I could think about was the man I couldn’t have.

  Fishing

  Francesca

  I was the first one downstairs and ready to go. I already had breakfast and coffee, and my fishing pole was hooked to my backpack.

  I should have known my brother wouldn’t be ready.

  I headed to his bedroom door and knocked. “Get your ass up, Axel!”

  I heard a mumble from inside.

  “It’s past six,” I yelled. “If you aren’t ready in five minutes, we’re—” I stopped talking because the bathroom door opened and Hawke stepped out wearing only a towel around his waist. Steam emitted from the room around him, and his hair was still damp. “Uh…” I forgot what I was saying. His chest was chiseled and defined, and his stomach had eight grooves of muscle instead of six.

  Oh my lord.

  Hawke must have seen the expression on my face because he smiled. “Morning.”

  “Morning…” I needed to stop staring at him. I just hoped my mouth was closed and my tongue wasn’t hanging out like a dog.

  He ran his fingers through his hair then walked down the hallway to his bedroom.

  I immediately turned and watched him go, noting the prominent muscles of his back. They were defined like someone chiseled it to perfection. He was the ideal model for the male body. Droplets of water were still on his skin and they streaked down his body.

  I was vaguely aware of the fact I was still knocking on Axel’s door.

  “Shit, I’m coming!” Axel called. The door flew open, and he gave me a venomous glare. “Give me five minutes, and I’ll be ready to go.”

  I turned back to him. “What?” I hadn’t heard a word he said.

  He rolled his eyes and slammed the door.

  ***

  We hiked up the trail with our bags across our backs. Hiking at sunrise was my favorite part of fishing. The birds hummed from their branches, and the smell of the trees entered my nose. I took my time and hung in the back to appreciate the scenery—especially the view of Hawke’s ass.

  It was nice.

  “You doing okay back there?” Axel called from the front of the line.

  I immediately tore my gaze away from Hawke’s behind. “I’m fine. Keep going.”

  It took us nearly half an hour to get there because we had to hike uphill the entire time. My calves felt like they were on fire. I breathed hard, but the strenuous exercise felt good. I didn’t always have the time to work out during my normal schedule.

  When we finally reached the lake, I stretched out my back. “Geez, that took forever.”

  “Someone’s out of shape,” Axel said.

  “At least I don’t sound like a girl,” I mumbled under my breath.

  Hawke shot me a smile.

  “Damn, I’m never going to live that down.” Axel approached the dock where our small boat bobbed. “Let’s do this.”

  “You’ll catch more fish near the shore,” I said.

  “How do you figure?” Axel asked.

  “Because there’re tons of boats in the middle of the lake. Fish will go to the coolest and least populated area.” Dad taught us this a long time ago. Axel never remembered anything.

  Axel didn’t seem convinced. “Or maybe we should get in a boat because everyone else is doing it.”

  “There’s a pipe just around the lake where the freshwater comes in. I’m telling you, that’s where they’ll be.”

  Axel still seemed unsure.

  “You know a lot about fishing.” Hawke said it like it wasn’t a question or a statement.

  “I was a tomboy growing up,” I answered.

  Hawke nodded but said nothing else.

  “I’m sticking with the boat,” Axel finally said. “And I’m not letting you go off by yourself so get in here.”

  “Let me?” That was one of my biggest pet peeves. I refused to be bossed around—by anyone. “You don’t let me do anything. I’ll go wherever I damn well please.”

  Hawke didn’t react overtly, but there was a look of approval in his eyes.

  Axel rolled his eyes. “We’re going to be in the boat so wouldn’t it make more sense for you to join us?” He backpedaled because he knew I was a loose cannon when it came to stuff like this. I would take off and head back to the house by myself if he pissed me off enough. “Come on. It’ll be more fun this way.” He stared at me and waited for an answer.

  I put my hands on my hips
.

  Hawke intervened. “Don’t leave me alone with him. He’ll start singing—and you know what that means.”

  Axel gave him a murderous look.

  “Fine. I’ll come along.” I walked down the dock and approached the boat.

  Axel breathed a sigh of relief then climbed on.

  Hawke stayed behind and offered his hand to help me on board.

  “No, thanks.” I hopped into the boat without any problems and sat down.

  Hawke stared at me with an unreadable expression. Then he climbed on and sat in the row behind me.

  “Alright.” Axel grabbed both oars. “Off we go.”

  ***

  By late morning, I’d caught the most fish—by far. My brother barely caught one. Hawke did better by catching three, which was impressive since he hadn’t fished in ten years.

  “It’s your poles,” Axel said. “They’re better.”

  “And the fish can tell?” I said sarcastically.

  Axel splashed water on me.

  “Gross.” I splashed him back.

  Hawke remained in the back and looked across the lake with a peaceful expression on his face.

  “Knock it off,” I said as I shielded my face. “You’re going to tip the boat.”

  “Not when your fat ass is sitting in it,” Axel snapped.

  “My ass is beautiful!” I splashed him a final time.

  The boat reached the dock and Hawke jumped out. “You guys keep acting like toddlers. I’ll wait here.”

  Axel held up his hands. “Truce?”

  “You owe my ass an apology,” I said.

  “How about a kick?” Axel asked.

  I smacked him playfully with the oar then climbed onto the dock without taking Hawke’s extended hand.

  Hawke leaned toward me while Axel tried to climb out of the boat. “You really do have a beautiful ass.” He gave me a playful wink before he turned back to Axel.

  I walked past him so he couldn’t see my reddened cheeks. I tried to brush off the compliment, but since it came from Hawke, it hit me in a sensitive spot.

  Axel got out of the boat then grabbed all his gear. We had more to carry back than we did on the way up. At least the hike would only be thirty minutes or so.

  We headed back, and Axel took the lead like usual. This time, I walked behind him with Hawke behind me. I wondered if he was staring at my ass just the way I was staring at his not too long ago.