Scars

by Lexa Bălă

  CHAPTER 1

  It wasn’t about murderers and crimes. It was all about the depths of who we are.

  I once read a book about a boy Luke and a girl Raven and they were legends. It was about friendships and falling on love. And I found myself in every character. They were me and I was all of them at once. So I have decided to tell a story too.

  On the 4th of June, we might lose our minds because of too much boredom at school. We are listening to our english teacher, Mrs. Maynard, a short freckled fourty years old lady, talking about her plans with us for the summer, but all we do is to gaze through her, not hearing a word of what she says. Teenagers nowadays and from all times have been a total mess. We people are so fucked up. There is no man alive with no story to tell, with no great emotions.

  "My dear kids, I want us to end up this scholar year in a memorable way by doing something that you can keep as a beautiful memory of 11h grade. It has been a hard year. But now it's summer, now it is the part of the year when you should feel completely free, completely alive, and I and some others teachers want to offer you something different. It's about a camp, where you are going to stay for two weeks. There, taking in consideration the fact you have studied psychology this year, you'll have the chance to visit a teenagers' sanatorium, where there are kids who really need support, they really need to be listened, and we thought that this is an amazing opportunity not just for them, but for you. I do think there are some of us who want to help.’’

  "M'am...uhm, what's so exciting about meeting kids who lost their sanity? They are probably some pervert murderers. I don't think I want to be around them," Theo said.

  He was such a jerk all of the time and I couldn't stand him, but at the same time he was the only one in this whole class I got on well with, because all the others were simply not the type of people I want to stay around. He is an asshole, but at least he is my friend. A good friend, despite the hatred between us since we had first met.

  "Mr. Raeken, they are teenagers, just like all of you, but they are a little bit different due to their mental condition. And you, boy, like all the others in this classroom, you are going to help those teenagers to get better. Okay? I don't want any comments. I want you to treat those kids with respect and I want you to get involved in this "volunteering" programme. They really need help. This is not just a trip, kids. You are going to be volunteers. You must know how is to be socially unacceptable, to have anxiety, to grief someone’s death, but let’s say these are minor problems in comparison with their problems. Believe me, you will learn a lot, not about them, but about yourself. They are lessons of life and you need to experience this," she almost yells at us and then rushes out of the classroom.

  "She's crazy as fuck," said one guy from the back of the classroom. I totally agreed. But I knew she was right somehow.

  "What do you think about it? ," Theo asked and craned out to see what I was writing in my notebook.

  "It's an interesting idea, don't you think so?

  "Totally fucking not," he almost yelled in my face. I was really excited, I couldn't deny that. We were finally going to do something interesting this year, but he has this thing of not agreeing with anything that anyone says, so he has to complain to someone about what he doesn't like. And that someone is me, that only person who always listen to all his bullshits.

  "You're weird, you know that, right?"

  Yes, I know. And you are a fucking idiot, but I don't tell you that right in the face you idiot.

  I punch him in his chest with my index finger and dash out, heading to my best friend, Hayden. We have just a very few classes together, but she is usually in the class were all my best friends are, or I could call them a family, that's what they have became.

  They are getting closer to me and I see those beautiful smiles that make me feel so blessed with the life I have. They are so weird, but God I love them. They are all hugging me, calling me "dude", which is pretty cute and then we realize we are starving, so we head to our favourite bistro.

  "So what's new guys?" I mumble with my mouth full of fries.

  These "guys" were Aiden, the gay boy, Tess, a bisexual girl, Hayden, the normal one and unfortunately that dumbass Theo, who stays there right in front of me with a dumb grin on his face.

  "We've heard Theo saying something about a camp," Tess said.

  "It's not a camp, dear. It's bullshit. We have to stay near psychos. What the fuck is this, " wails Theo, the annoying Theo.

  "Uhm, that's sounds like...a lot of fun," fired away Aiden.

  "Guys, I think I know how to make this shitty trip awesome. What do you think if we are all going to be there? With our twerp classmates we are not gonna have fun at all. So what do you think? And it's not like you have others choices, because I am begging you to come and I won't stop. So please. Man, I don't want to go there just with HER, " Theo chimed in and sneered. I gave him the look.

  "Shut the fuck up" I called out and scraped him down. After we glared at each other some long seconds I piped down and realized it was kind of a great idea. The idea of spending time with him at that camp and sharing the same room with him didn’t excite me. "Yeah, guys, Theo's right. You should come. It will be fun. It's not like we are going to stay in the sanatorium all day long. We're gonna throw parties and get drunk. Every night.’’

  I think Theo was taken aback by what I have just said, because we don't usually agree on something. And now he was just grinning at me as I gave him this satisfaction of me doing what he says.

  "Oh, you lil crazy bitch, " he laughed. And for a few seconds, we smiled at each other and it felt good.

  "Okay, guys. So let's forget that we are going there to meet some psychopats, and only think about the fact that we are going to have lot of fun. I mean, it's going to be awesome. Think about it, boys. There, nobody will tell you not to smoke, not to get drunk, not have sex. It’s gonna be the best thing that will happen to us this year. "

  Eventually we all agreed and we have already made plans. But I know making plans so early it’s irrelevant. Things don’t usually work out in the way you planned. This is the first time my parents let me go somewhere only with friends, but that because they know it is a volunteer programme or something like that so they say that I would learn a lot of things from this experience. But for me was just escaping. I'm done. I feel like a ten year old kid whose parents keep him locked in the house. God. Here I am, freedom, I'm coming.

  I am Davina. But it does not matter so much.

  My group of friends is weird. We have there a gay and a bisexual girl but I can say that I adore listening to their life story, like how hard was for them to accept the idea of not being normal. And it was sad, but now they are the happy ones and we are the depressed ones. They are simply amazing. And Hayden is my best friend even though we don't know each other for such a long time. And that little stupid guy named Theo is a bastard. I can't stand him most of the times but at the same time we have something together. I mean, he just protects me like anyone does when I am in danger. He is the one who got in a fight with some bad guys who just didn't leave me alone, he is the one who gets me home after school, he is the one who knocked down a boy I used to like a few months ago, because he was mocking me. So, Theo was there when I needed. Even he is in the way he is, I still care a lot about him. A lot. But we don’t usually show our care for each other. Instead, we make it in such a way that is difficult for us to stand each other.

  And now we were both drifting along the road, gazing at the passers-by, not saying a word. It had always started this way. None of us saying anything, and after that he started to nag at and ramble on. I was getting so bored that I whiped on but then I was feeling bad for sliding off from beside him, that I was just stopping in the middle of the road to wait for him and he never got upset becau
se of that. Sometimes it was driving me insane his behaviour. He behaves so different when are people around us than when is just with me. And this is frustrating and confusing.

  "Are you alright?" he asked me.

  "I'm fine, dude. I'm not gonna be depressed all my life because of something that doesn't even have anything to do with me. But how do you do? It was your friend, not mine".

  "I'm ok. Don't worry," he mumbled.

  " I never worry about you."

  "Davina, you know why I don't want to go to that sanatorium?"

  "Enlighten me about."

  "Because the guy with who Darren had a lot of conflicts is there. And he is insane. I think that he is the one who made Darren kill himself. "

  "What the fuck? You are talking bullshit."

  "No, I don't, Davina. But believe what you want. I don't care. And I don't really know why you are so eager to meet some freak teenagers. They are agressive, Davina. They are doing bad things. And you want to be in the same room with them. "

  "Okay, what if we just stop talking about Darren because everytime we start a conversation about him, you get mad."

  "God, Davina, of course I get mad. He was my best friend since kindergarden. I cannot just stop talking about him," Theo flared out, trying to choke back his tears.

  "I'm sorry," I gasped out.

  "It's okay. But I don't...You know that Darren was in that sanatorium, right? And-"

  "I know the whole story. Let's go home, buddy, " I said, pulling him forward by his sleeve

  Darren was his best friend but he was one of that complicated kids you just cannot understand. After the break-up of his first girlfriend, he...something happened to him. He started taking pills and drugs and he was getting drunk so often and then he got in some fights at school, he hit a teacher, and started behaving so strange that the psycologist said he was schizophrenic and then they sent him at that asylum. And there he comitted suicide. But we don't know the reason for his suicide because he was so full of life and nice with everyone. And, yes, Darren's death affected me so damn much because I didn't expected that. We weren't so good friends, but we were so okay with each other. And even though I really hated Theo at that moment, I was the only person there for him, I was the one who just loosen him up and helped him get over that. I was there. In every fucking second, I was there.

  I don't know and no one really knows what had happened at the sanatorium, but Darren...his place wasn't there. He was just depressed and fucked up. He needed us, not to be treated in an asylum.

  Now I don't feel so eager to go there anymore, now that I know what kind of kids are there. I just veered around so quickly. But at the same time, this is the reason I was so excited to meet problematic kids. Because of Darren. He was there. And what if are more lost teenagers like him there and no one helps them? That's why I wanna get there. Because I really want to talk with people who are one step closer to commit suicide. I know that there might be lots of juvenile delinquents and really insane people, real psychopats, but you know, between them can also be kids like Darren. And I wanna help kids like Darren.

  Sometimes, it seems like Theo just lived down the whole thing and got over and he is doing fine, but in the next second he just flares out and it is so obvious how much it affected him. He feels guilty because he left his own best friend down when he needed the most. We both feel kind of guilty for his death because none of us tried to help him before getting into the sanatorium. We just thought he was fine and he enjoyed in a inappropriate way his adolescence so we let him do what he wanted because that was the way he was. A rascal, a wayward, but such a nice guy. I'm gonna miss that guy.

  It sucks when someone who used to be present in your life almost every day and someone who just makes your day the best day just with his sweet grin, suddenly disappears. First it disappeared the person, because he changed so much that I couldn't really recognize the new person he'd became. Then, he disappeared, because he died. But his existence will never disappear.

  Yes, I realize this now, after eight months since he passed away.

  When he was here, even when he needed help, we all were so blind and didn't really cared so much because we all knew he was fine. But he wasn't.

  And now, right in this moment, I miss him.

  Right now, I realize something that at that moment I did not even know.

  Now I know. In this moment, when I stay alone gazing outside the window, watching the rain drops, I realize that...I liked.

  And we weren't friends. Friends talk to each other and spend time together. We were just us and we were okay, only smiling at each other from time to time. And now I feel like I'm gonna lash out into tears and first thing that comes into my mind is to call Theo. He is the only one who is able to understand. And he answers me even though it is 11 a.m.

  "Dammit, you couldn't find a better hour to call. Any problem?" he mumbled.

  "I'm not fine. Darren died and I wanna talk about him and I'm sorry I'm so late with this but-"

  "It's okay, Davina. I was late too, with everything. Calm down. Davina, what are you always telling me? That we did not kill him, he killed himsef, so it doesn't worth to blame ourselves for something he had done with his own hands. "

  "You're right. Sorry. See you tomorrow?"

  "Of course. Good night, dear."

  I feel a little bit better but at the same time I know that we all killed Darren, me, Theo, his parents, everybody, everybody.

  Now I feel worse than I felt after a month. That's bullshit. He shouldn't have died. But at the same time, this is the only thing that reminded us that he existed. Before he died no one really cared about that kid. It's all wrong. If someone needs to die to remind you that is important for you, it's so wrong.

  But I doze off and his image becomes blurry in my mind and my subconscious only pictures how it is going to be in the camp. A wave of adrenaline is going through my veins right now and I feel good, I feel better, with no reason. I feel better than I have ever felt since his death. It felt like he was there whispering to my ear "It's going to be fine, Davina. No matter what".

  CHAPTER 2

  I wake up and I'm fine. I really feel that I'm okay. It's weird. Most of the times I'm not fine. Everytime there is something that bothers me, something that disturbs me, something that ruins my good mood. But now, I'm not apathetic and lethargic. Now I am completely eager to get out of bed and simply do things. I made the luggages for the camp and I'm ready to leave, that place calls me there, wants me there, but at the same time it feels so strange to be in places where Darren was.

  "Ready for the big trip? Aiden asked when we finally got to the meeting place, right in front of school, from where a bus is going to take us there.

  "Wow, how excited you are. Like you're going to meet fuckin' Mariah Carey. Wake up, idiots, we are going to stay beside the freak guys, the bad ones," Theo exclaimed. "I am excited just for the beer that waits for us," he yelled in excitement.

  "Be quiet, savage. So you've been there. Tell us how it's like. Anyway, is not like we're gonna stay all day with them. Just an hour a day. That's all. We'll survive," Tess said.

  "Yeah. It's okay, except the fact that those teenagers are really lost in their own world and are no longer connected to reality. But it's okay, Tess," Theo scowled at her.

  " We are not gonna get killed, dude. Calm down," I said.

  They gaped at each other some long seconds, then Mrs. Maynard yelled at us to shut the fuck off and get on that fucking bus. Yeah, she swears a lot when she's outside the school and acts like she's our mother, not our teacher. We were only fourteen kids as some of my classmates couldn't come. It's going to be nice. I'm going to be with my best friends, also Jersey, Mikey, Andrew, Taissa, Deborah, Holland, Brandon, Thomas and Heather. Mr. Argent, our coach, and Mrs. Maynard are going to join us, and that means we are going to have fun, as they are more open-minded than most of our teachers.

  "Let's be clear, kiddos", said coach with a loud voice, " I don't want drunk t
eenagers, no drugs and other illegal things. Are we clear ?"

  For me is clear. But I'm sure that those twerps from the backseats did not hear a word.

  The road will take us two hours but I kind of feel exhausted and I am really sorry that I am not gonna enjoy it with everybody in here, so I nestle my head on Hayden's shoulder and take a nap. After a few minutes I'm already gone in the world of my dreams and nightmares. That world when at the same time happen the nicest things and the worst things.

  It feels like they were minutes, but instead they were hours, and I wake up when I hear Theo's voice calling me, but he is not calling me, he yells at me to get my ass out of this fucking bus or he will have to carry me outside.

  I was the only one who slept and now I feel like a dumb. I did not have fun like the others.

  We finally arrived, here, surrounded by woods, in the middle of nowhere. Aiden offers to carry my only luggage so I let him, and I get closer to Theo. I know that he already dislikes this place. When I look around I notice all the beautiful things, the mounts, the trees, the roads – it is amazing here. It is pure nature.

  I know he is nervous about what is happening and I truly understand him but I want him to get over and forget for these two weeks about Darren and have fun and be the reckless and perverse guy everybody knew, not the grumpy and choleric kid he is right now.

  In front of our eyes are the cabins we are going to stay in. It is a nice place, it's quiet. We have some shops from were we can buy whatever food we want, we have a lot of space only for us. And one mile away is the sanatorium we are going to visit, but that will happen after a few days, after we get used with the place. Not far away from here we have a lake and boats and we are allowed to use them.

  We are fourteen and there are 4 cabins and each cabin has two rooms and common kitchen and bathroom. We already know in which cabin we will stay. So me, Hayden and Theo will stay in one and Tess and Aiden in the one beside ours, but they will also stay with Holland.

  It's already eight o'clock and we didn't get to do anything yet 'cause we all started quarreling about who sleeps where and who is going to cook and who is going to be the one who washes the dishes and all that staff and there was a total mess everywhere.