by Lexa Bălă
"I'm...fine. It's just weird. That's all. "
"What's weird?"
"The way I feel."
He winces slighly and he just suddenly stands up and makes a few steps far from me.
"What's wrong?" I asked him as I approached him, but he makes a step backward. "Are you alright?"
"I'm not fine. I'm too fucking overwhelmed by all that's happening. Sorry."
I get closer to him and try to take his hand but he flinches and steps backwards.
"Don't touch me, I'm fine," he snapped.
"You just said you're not. Tate, what's wrong?"
"Every single fucking thing on this world. That's wrong. "
"Calm down."
"I'm calm," he said. He sits down where he sat before. "I'm sorry. Are you mad on me?"
"Of course not, Tate. This- all this- is just the way you are. And I like the way you are. "
"But the way I am is wrong. "
"Then accept it. Tate?"
"What is it?"
"How are you even sure that you had really murdered those people?"
"What?"
"You heard it. "
"I'm insane. My mind is blurry. But fuck, I'm not a fucking psychopat, I haven't lost my minds yet. I did not just make up everything. I know what I did, Davina. I thought you believed me. But just like everybody else, you think I'm totally freak. But it's fine. Half of what Theo might had told you about me is completely true. So, yeah, you have the right to choose what you believe. And you're right. How am I even sure that I had really commited crimes actually? But what can I do? I cannot heal my insanity."
"Shut the fuck up, Tate. You're crazy just if you think you are. Just forget about it. It's alright. Come here. "
I grab him by the wrist and pull him up and wrap my hands around his neck and hug him. He wraps his hands around my waist and holds me tight. He nestles his head on my shoulder and all of a sudden his body gets relaxed and doesn't seem so stiff, like a dead walking body. He is actually warm and I feel like I could hold him like this forever. He is broken and he needs this. Just a friend who really cares. I need that too.
CHAPTER 10
I don't know what was the clock when we left there. I know that it was getting cold and we were both wiped out so we decided it's time to go. When I got back, everything was just a mess, trash strewn throughout the camp. Everyone was going to be just a little more dizzy in the morning. Actually, is already morning, and they will probably wake up in the afternoon. I get inside silently and see Hayden, Tess and Aiden lying asleep on the sofas. I trudge upstairs with the last scrap of energy I have and get in the room. I snuggle in my bed and everything becomes blurry and I nod off after a few minutes.
°°°
I don't sleep for a long time because cause I gotta go to Tate again. It's only me, Jersey, Hayden, Andrew and Mike who are still willing to get involved in helping those kids. But the truth is that none of them is like Tate.
When I open my eyes, I look at the other bed and I almost fall on the floor when I see Theo sleeping there.
"Fuck, fuck, fuck," I muttered while I try to make a few silent steps but I only manage to make the floor creak under my feet. I stop for a second to make sure he's still asleep. But I then I realize I was starring at him sleeping, in that odd way of sleeping he had, covering all his face with the blanket even though it wasn't cold at all.
This is so adorable that I cannot stop myself of smiling. But he truly hates me now so it doesn't matter anymore how or what I feel. And what I feel now is that I miss him. I mean, a lot.
I get out the room, closing the door silently behind me and tramp on the stairs, heading to kitchen to get a snack. My friends are still sleeping so I try not to wake them up with the noise.
I send Jersey a message and tell him we're meeting at the entrance of the camp, where Mrs. Maynard and the bus driver are waiting us. Then I remember I gotta go upstairs again 'cause I need to change my clothes. I stride back upstairs and head to my room, in which Theo was sleeping, of course. I don't even know what the hell is he doing there, in Tess's bed. God, he has all my ex-cabin to do whatever he wants in it, but he's here. And he still wonders why the fuck I'm everywhere and why he cannot avoid me.
I open the door and glance inside at the bed to make sure he's still asleep. And we was. I dart to the closet and look for something to wear today, but after I choose what to wear and I close the closet, I already know he is waching me. I just feel his gaze on me, but I try to behave normally and ignore my heart that gone crazy.
"You know, you are the one now who doesn't respect my privacy. What the hell are you doing here?" I asked him with a calm voice.
"Sorry. But my cabin was invaded by drunk nerds and Aiden told me I could stay here. I'll go now. I don't like this too, but I cannot do anything about it. We are like fucking everywhere and we cannot avoid each other and we just bump into each other everytime. God," he said while putting on a t-shirt.
"Maybe you should just stop this, stop avoiding me, 'cause you don't get anything with this. Really, I'm not gonna eat you or something. God. Stop. Fine. We're not friends anymore but you don't have to act like this. You just make things more complicated this way. You should just ignore my presence and I'll do the same, " I told him and darted outside without giving him the chance to answer back.
When I get to the entrance of the camp, Jersey is already there, waiting for me with that grin from ear to ear on his face.
"Just us?" I asked him when noticing there's nobody around.
"Mikey is gonna come. But he's late as always. He'll be here in a minute. "
I get on the bus and say hello to Mrs. Maynard and the bus driver called Lewis. Mike arrives in a few minutes and then we're all heading to the sanatorium.
We don't stay in complete awkward silence, like I was expecting. Lewis turns on the music and all I do the rest of the road is to gaze outside the window and listen to the lyrics.
"When you lose your way and the fight is gone
Your heart starts to break and you need someone around
Just close your eyes while I put my hands above you and make unbreakable
She stands in the rain just to have it all
If you ever turn around
I won't let you fall down
I swear I'll find your smile and make you unbreakable"
We get there in a few minutes, and we are welcomed by Mrs. Deborah. I don't know what to think about her. Maybe she's a bitch, like Tate said, but this bitch helped us somehow.
We enter into the building and we are all heading to the rooms we met the kids the last time.
I don't like spending time with Tate there, where we are being supervised. But I'm glad that at least we can meet outside the yard of the sanatorium.
I open the door and step inside. I glance into the room and see him standing on the table, moving his legs back and forth, standing with his fingers intertwined and gazing somewhere on the floor.
"Hey," I said.
"Hi," he muttered without looking at me.
"What are you doing, Tate?" I asked as I took a sit down right beside him.
"I'm praying. What the hell you think I'm doin'?" he said with an obvious sarcasm in his tone.
"By the way, do you believe in God?" I asked him.
"Bullshit. It's all bullshit, Davina. I only believe in the bad and in the good. This is a goddamn filthy world full of evil, you know. There's no good left. If God had existed, than there wouldn't have been so much fear and pain in this shitty world. Maybe it doesn't seem like that to you, but for the ones like me, there's no God, it's only Satan, archfiend, devil, whatever you call it. It's only the bad. There's no deity. I'm an atheist and there's no longer something that watches over me. It's just me, myself and I. So why should I pray then? "
"Nor do I believe in God, Tate. I only believe that it's something there, something that listens to you, even though it cannot make anything to help you. But there's something there. The Universe. You gott
a have faith. Not in God. And like you've said. There's a good but there's a bad too. You're so right. But you don't have to be friend with the devil just because it helped you became stronger."
"I'm not friend with anyone, anyway.
And I'm not stronger. I'm so fucking weak. And Davina, is good to be bad sometimes, but don't let the evil take control of your mind. Yeah, being bad helps you protect from the outer bad. This is the only good thing about being like that. You become less humane, you stop having remorses or regrets about things you had done in the past, you stop feeling anything. And there's no emotion left in you. You're just empty. Did you understand a word of what I've said?"
"Yeah. But Tate you are not like that. "
"I'm not?" he muttered.
"Of course you are not. It's just in your mind. Of course you have feelings, Tate, and it's obvious how much emotion you put in every single little thing," I told him and punched him gently on the shoulder, trying to make him feel better.
"You know, it's hard. To be like that, like me. I am struggling to keep myself still thinking straight every single goddamn day. How do you know I'm not the way I think I am?"
That was a pretty hard question and I stand motionless a few seconds to think of an answer.
"'Cause I feel you. And I see it in your eyes. You still have tears and that means you are not as bad as you think you are. 'Cause bad people don't cry. What do you feel about me, Tate?"
"That you're my one and only friend. And I care about you somehow. "
"You see? You feel something. You are not less humane, Tate. Would you want to hurt me?"
"What? What the fuck? Of course not. "
"You see? If you murdered someone doesn't mean you are bad. It would have meant you are bad if you just hurt...me right now, and if you would hurt people just like that, just for pure pleasure. But you're not bad, Tate. And if you are not good that doesn't mean that you are bad."
"What I am then?"
"What you want to be. Don't know. Just stop thinking so much about things like this."
"Thanks, Davina. You can go now. I like more talking with you in other places, not in these shitty ones."
"Fine.’’ I give him a kiss on the cheek and he starts giggling and I almost see him blush.
"Take care of you. Don't get into troubles. "
Before I step outside, I hear him muttering my name.
"Davina. Don't stress yourself with dumbass Theo. Just show him love or at least that you care," he chortled.
I nod and get outside of the room.
I dart in the yard and decide not waiting Mike and Jersey 'cause they haven't finished yet.
I find Deborah pacing along in the yard, staring at the flowers and the trees.
"Mrs. Deborah?" I muttered.
She turns her head at me and smiles widely.
"What are you doing here? You should have-"
"Yeah, I know. But we don't like staying there. So I'll wait for next time we can go out in the yard. "
"Oh, alright. That's okay, " she said without looking at me.
"Why don't you hate him like eveybody else does?
"Nobody hates him, miss Noyes. It's all in his mind. Do you think that the others are still that sane to even notice his presence like...everywhere?"
"Hailee doesn't seem so-" I said.
"No, she doesn't seem. "
"But what did exactly Tate do to get here?"
"Well, that's a little bit complicated to be explained. He is psychotic. He caused problems at the school he studied at. He had a violent behaviour and he still has.
And about the crime...At some point, he admitted commiting a crime, but then denied it. He is truly insane. Nobody could accuse a sixteen years old boy without parents of such a cold blood crime. So he got here 'cause there wasn't any other better option for him. We don't know what he really did, and how could we know, when nor he is even sure about it?"
"You want to help him?" I asked her.
"Of course I do. I want to help every single one of them."
"Then don't act with him like he is a psychopath or something. He just needs people to behave with him like he's a human being, not a goddamn monster. And if he's being rude, don't be rude too. He's rude 'cause this is the way he is 'cause he doesn't know how to be in other way. "
"I'm glad you want him to get better. I'm glad he found such a friend like you. Now go. Come back later. Or when do you feel to. "
We said goodbye to each other and I darted outside and strolled back to the camp.
***
They were all staying around tables and maundering about usual staff, smoking and drinking coffee or coke.
How normal can they be and such easy life they have, and look at Tate, how ruined he is.
He will never be like them, or like anybody else, beacuse he is not that boring, he is made of words nobody can understand, he has a soul full of bruises, his mind is a labirinth nobody can get through, his laughter is the prettiest song 'cause I only hear it seldom.
He is bad and good at the same time.
But no matter what he does, he still have that darkness in his eyes.
I try to make that image of him disappear from my mind and concentrate on what all my classmates are discussing about.
I don't see any of my friends here and head to our cabin.
I hear angry voices from inside and I open the door with a creak and step inside, where I see them all standing in front of each others, and quarreling about something. They stop when they notice my presence there.
"What the hell is going on here?" I asked them, but mostly looking at Theo, who seemed the most teeded of. And that was absolutely normal, coming from a extremely choleric kid.
"Well, we don't know whose cabin is whose. And it seems like we are all gonna get crowded in this goddman little thing, called cabin," Tess complained.
I turn my look at Hayden and frown at her.
"Hayden, I've told you not to leave Theo alone in the cabin," I snapped at her.
"Why the hell are we fighing anyways? Aiden chortled.
"You shut up. Why don't you go stay there, 'cause you are both boys and we all girls?" said Tess.
"I think you all have preferences about who you wanna stay in cabin with, huh?" I asked them.
"Yeah, we wanna stay with our best friend, but it's not such a big deal if we stay with someone else. God, grumpy kids you are, " Aiden said. "Relax guys. Anyway, we are all best friends, right? Well, I take this silence as an Yes. Why doesn't Theo stay with me and Tess and you and Hayden stay in the other cabin? And by the way, why are you avoiding each other so much?" Aiden asked, pointing his finger at me and Theo. "We should put you both in one cabin and lock the door and leave you out just when you'll make up. "
"This would be an option," Hayden said, quirking her eyebrow.
"What? What the hell is wrong with you, guys? Why is our squad being ruined just because me and him don't get on well anymore?"
"Because you both together keep us all together," Tess said.
I gaze at Theo and he looks at me back with no emotion visible on his face.
"No, we're not, " Theo fired away.
"If she's not friend with me, none of you is. Maybe next time you won't be that obvious in trying to avoid me. And it's obvious I don't belong here. "
He blast off outside the house and let us alone in an awkward silence.
"Thanks, guys, " I said and gave them a scowl. "I fucking thank you, guys. How can you do this to him? You know, you stay all here. I'll go there. God. You are not capable of doing anything. "
I tramp loudly up the stairs and look for a bag. I put my clothes and my staff there and trudge back in the living room.
"You both have fun," Aiden exclaimed.
"Fuck...off, " I sid and slammed the door, getting outside and heading to the other cabin.
I hate so damn much this thing with the cabins. And because we are five, not four, it always seems that one of us doesn't fit here. And the bi
ggest problem is that Theo is that person. And maybe he is that person because I brought him in our squad and kind of obliged him to stay with us, because he was too alone.
Fuck.
I barge in with my bags in both hands and place them in the room from the first floor 'cause I know he always likes to live at height.
And this is not a fucking villa with two kitchens and two bathrooms, so we'll have to share them.
I don't care if he won't agree with my staying here and even if he makes such a big deal from it, I won't go. I don't leave him this time.
"What the...hell...are you doing...here?" he said while entering into the living room, with suprise and at the same time annoyance and irritation visible on his face. "Get out. I don't want you here. "
I ignore him and continue watching tv, staying leg-crossed on the sofa .
"Get the fuck out," he snapped, glarring at me.
"I won't leave. "
I glance at him as he was staying motionless, staring at me.
"And nor you will leave, 'cause you don't have where, Theo. "
"You're doin' this again. I fuckin' hate you when you're doing this. "
"What am I doing, Theo?
"I've told you already. I didn’t want you to show me this stupid fucking mercy. I wanted you to really fucking care. Just to care, for real. "
"First, you don't have to use that Fucking in front of every single word, fine?
So that was it, huh? And how are you even sure I don't care?"
"You care more about HIM," he said with distaste. "I am on the ninety-three place in your life. "
"You are stupid. You're acting like you're jealous. "
"I am. I'm jealous everytime someone else is better for somebody more than I am," he said and darted up to the stairs, slamming the door behind him.
I turn off the tv and stare at the empty screen.
It's already 4 p.m. The days are passing quickly and 'till now all this goddamn camp ruined everything. Excluding Tate. He is just fine and now he might be feeling better than us. At least for him this thing did good to him.
I cannott wait to get back home, at the normality. Maybe when we'll get there everything will be just fine.
But at the same time, I don't wanna go back home because I would leave Tate all alone. And there won't be anyone anymore to understand his madness.