by Lexa Bălă
CHAPTER 11
I dozed off on the couch. I don't usually sleep when the sun is still on the sky, because I believe that we lose time sleeping, instead of using the seconds of our lives for good purposes. I wake up at 6 p.m and what else I have to do than going to Tate. It's the only good thing left to do here.
He kind of made me forget about all that Darren staff and Theo staff.
They are not allowed to have cell phones, so I cannot call him. The only thing left to do is just leaving and hope we'll meet somewhere.
It's not like we have a special place of ours. I mean, all this place, from the camp to the asylum, the road, the woods- this is just one place. His place. Where he feels that he belongs to. But what I think is that he doesn't belongs to anywhere. He is just there. He's just the boy who lost himself. And I hope I can find him someday.
***
I enter into the kitchen and see Theo preparing a cheeseburger, with a bottle of some kind of a shitty energy drink in one hand.
"You shouldn't drink that goddamn thing. You already have problems with your heart. And stop smoking at the same time unless you want to die, of course. "
He turns around, squints and frowns at me at the same time.
"Shut...the fuck...up. Stop your overbearing attitude, " he said stilly.
"I'm not overbearing," I demured. "Why are you so surly?" I asked him while I grabbed some snaks.
"Cause I'm stuck here with you, " he muttered grumpily while tramping loudly up to the stairs, back to his room.
I role my eyes in exasperation. It looks like he enjoys hating me.
But, no matter how rudely he behaves, at least I know I have him beside me. This way I can make sure that he is not doing silly things or gets into troubles.
After I eat, I dress up into other pair of jeans and change my t-shirt, taking a blouse instead. I brush my hair and let it loose, then I traipse outside.
I try not to get noticed because I don't like people to start asking questions about me. What makes everything easier is that people don't usually notice my presence or when I'm gone.
As soon as I get out of the camp, I start running, because when I do that I feel like I don't have time for my own thoughts anymore. My mind gets empty. And that's exactly what I needed the most.
It usually takes fifteen-twenty minutes to get to the gates of the asylum, but this time I don't want to get too close to it as I don't want anyone to know that I am here.
So I take it on a road through the woods, the road me and Tate sauntered on.
I have been strolling for ten minutes when I realized I got too far and I have to come back at the main road unless I want to get lost here.
"How did you know I was here?" I heard a quiet voice from behind the trees. Then I see him approaching, with his hands in his pockets.
"'Cause you're always somewhere here."
I grin at him and he gives me that genuine smile of him.
"Are you upset?" he asked me and stopped smiling. He has a visible concern on his face. He approaches to me much more, so much that we get to stand right in front of each other, with our bodies almost touching.
"Theo? Is it Theo right?"
He understands from the sad look on my face that exactly about him is all about.
"Don't be upset," he tells me while touching my cheek gently with his thumb. "Be happy, Davina. Your weird changing behaviour with each other only means you care about each other. The hatred he feels for you is true, but beside this hatred there are some other feelings. Be grateful, Davina, for having him.
Even though I don't like him at all, man, at all, and almost feel a distaste for him, doesn't matter that anyways, 'cause you LIKE him. You truly like him, for real. It's the most real thing this feeling you feel. And he truly likes you too, maybe much more, and that's why he ia acting like that.
Somehow, you are both stupid, 'cause you both don't admit this not even to your own person. You are not even aware of the thing you have together. It's the most amazing thing that you have. Be happy, Dav. You have all these so how cannot you be happy? Don't lose all these.
Hatred is just the wall that keeps all the other feelings hidden. Hatred is good, you know, 'cause this it proves there is the opposite of it somewhere. "
I stood motionless as I was listening to his words, words which really woke me up. His words were art. A kind of art you can hear and write on the paper. I tried as much as I could to choke back my tears, but I already feel the wet drops running down my cheeks.
"Why are you crying?" he asked.
"I just- how can you know all these?" I muttered.
"I just know. "
" You're amazing, Tate. "
"So you are, but unfortunately, you don't see that. Why you say if we take a walk?
I nod and we start pacing along the road.
"I'm sorry."
"For what?"
"I'm just sorry. For whatever might happen in the future. "
"It's like you say that something horrible would happen. "
"In case it happens, I'm sorry. "
"Fine, " I said.
We get that close that our shoulders were touching.
He takes my hand in his and intertwines our fingers. It felt good his warm touch. I get a weird vibe from him. It's like not feeling yourself anymore 'cause you only feel all those others feelings that overwelm you. And it wasn't just him, it was everything. And all that everything at the same time is just too much.
After some long minutes we get at the margin of the woods, at the main road.
He suddenly stops right in front me and stares at me.
"If you could only do one thing that would completely bouy you up for just few seconds before it fades away, one thing that is completely wrong in all ways, but you need to do it just 'cause you wanna taste for just one goddamn second the real life, not the ruined one you have, you wanna feel for just one second that you are truly alive, not a goddamn dead walking body, and you only crave something you can feel, 'cause you crave for it even though you know it would be the last moment of silence and peace of mind before the war starts, well, would you do that thing? " he said, taking a deep breath after.
I remain without words at the hearing of his long sentence.
"Just answer."
"I would do that. Just a short moment of complete exhilaration deserves pain."
He grabs me from the waist, pulling me closer, and places his hands around my body. He presses his lips onto mine and I respond to his kiss.
And it's the moment I feel something breaking inside of me.
This moment...what I felt in this moment was taking his pain, anger and dolor away.
And it hurt because just for a second I felt them all at once. It caused my heart to bleed. Not necessary from the twinge, but from the giddy frisson I felt right then.
"What was that?" I asked stupidly.
"A thing that I felt I need to do. 'Cause you are my one and only best friend. I'm not in love with you, Davina, at all. But you make me feel. And I just wanted to see how it feels this with you. "
"Would you do that again?"
"I don't know. Probably. I don't mind neither if I do it again or not. But it feels nice anyways.
Few years ago I was in love with a girl, " he said while making steps forward and grab my wrist and pulls me after him.
"I was freakishly in love with her. But I didn't know how to love her in the right way. I don't know how to love and it's hard to do this. That was the moment I decided to stop that, to suppress my feelings forever, 'cause they only get me wounded. And I did that, just ceased falling in love ever again. "
"But Tate, you cannot control this kind of feelings. They just take control over you and you cannot stop them. "
"Yeah, I know. But it was my choice.
I don't ever want to experience that anymore. It might be the most wonderful thing, but for me is not, 'cause it only hurts me and I don't get nothing with it.
And I stopped feeling. Fe
eling anything else. And now that I've met you, I began having emotions again. You've made me feel. And love, Dav, it's not only when you fall for someone. "
"I know. "
"You know?"
"I know."
"Davina, I love you," he muttered as gazing right straight into my eyes.
"I love you too, Tate. Exactly the way you love me. "
He starts tittering in a completely awkward way and giggles.
"I knew you felt the same as me," he said.
"How did you know I haven't really fallen for you?"
"I've felt it. I've seen it. 'Cause there's a big hole of differences between me and Theo. "
"Even if we held hands and staff?"
"We can do this all day long, Davina. But still cannott be the same for you as a second of holding hands with dumbass Theo.
I like holding hands with you. It's just the most amazing thing, of course, not such amazing like kissing you. "
We start giggling and we give each other a tight hug. I don't ever want to leave from his arms. It's just simply and comes naturally. It's genuine.
"I don't want to ever stop this, you know. ‘’ He presses his lips down to my neck. "Thanks for re-giving my emotions back. You're my saviour."
He was totally right in everything actually.
He was able to make me realize my own feelings, a thing that I couldn't do by my own. It seems like he knows me better than myself. I don't ever know what my heart wants. But now I know, 'cause he told me exactly what my heart tried to say to me.
He's right. I wasn't in love with him. But just as him, I feel something.
I love him. I simply love him. I love him without being actually in love with him.
And do you know how's like to love someone this way?
I just see in him the good and the peace and the liberty I don't have and I feel like I wanna drown in the depths of who he really is. I feel myself easier and I can be comfortable with him.
I simply care about him more than I care about my own person.
And my heart breaks and heals everytime I see him cry and then see him laugh. He is that place where I find my inside peace. And I simply love him 'cause he is that friend I wished I have had but never actually had. And I love him 'cause he helped me find myself. And I helped him too. I helped him get out from the labyrinth he was living in. And he finally found a way out.
We are not lovers, and we cannot be.
And the staff of holding hands and kissing is just normally, it comes naturally. But it doesn't have that kind of meanings. It might be just an intimate gesture we do just to feel closer.
Yeah, it's off-the-wall, it's eccentric, it's totally weird, and probably it's not the best thing to do when you have a boyfriend too because then it would be awkward.
But we know what we feel now. And I don't wanna give up on him just because it is wrong. But just the way he is is wrong and right at the same time. He is bad and good, broken and healed, happy and sad, insane and psychically stable at the same time.
And I don't need to give explanations to anybody about what I feel, because only me and him understand what we feel.
And he got me realize that even if I love him, it's still not the same as what I feel for Theo. What I feel around Theo makes me feel more alive, more enthusiastic about life, about every tiny thing.
How did I get to the point I have learnt to love from a boy who doesn't know how to love, who doesn't even want to ever love again?
***
"Davina, you miss all the fun. Instead of staying with your friends, you are staying with the psychotic kid beside you. Go there. Have fun. Don't hang out with me. Solve things between you and Theo. Do crazy things. Don't waste your time with me...in the woods. This is completely the most boring thing ever. If I were you I would just live more, you know. Just...live different. You live like there's nothing completely amazing in living. Like is just a fact. "
"But I enjoy spending time with you. "
"So do I. But I don't wanna steal from you not even a second from your life.
"Just a second," I interrupted him as I felt my phone vibrating into my pocket. When I unlock it I see that it's already ten o'clock.
"Hey, Hayden, what's up?"
"Where the fuck you are? Come back right now, "she snapped at me.
"What? What happened?"
"Well, Thomas, Andrew and Theo took their skateboards here to the camp and a few hours ago they decided to skate and they did some tricks on some balustrades they found just behind the cabins and they felt to the ground and-"
"What? Hayden what?"
"Uhm, well, Andrew has just few scratches, Thomas has a fractured ankle and a broken arm, but Theo, I don't know what the hell he tried to do, and he fell and he hurt pretty bad his head. I mean it was bleeding, and gosh, he also fractured his wrist. But he is okay. Just Thomas is still in the hospital, but they brought back Andrew and Theo here , 'cause they are not so badly hurt, and Theo is fine. It's not that bad. He will probably have a bad headache when he wakes up. 'Cause he fainted and now he's sleeping-"
"Oh, my God," I almost yelled, totally taken aback by the news. "Is he really alright?"
"Don't panic. He's fine. And he's gonna be fine. These things usually happens to skateboarders. It's nothing that severe. "
"Fine. I'll be there in a minute. "
I put my phone back into the pocket and try not to look panicked.
"What happened?" Tate asked.
"Theo fell from the skateboard and hurt his head. I gotta go. "
"Wait," He grabs me by my wrist.
"Stop cancelling that moment. Just tell him everything you feel you need to say. Don't do this when it's already too late. I'm sure that he wants you to just...do something. So do something. Don't let him go. Be there. Show him you care. Now go. And don't ever come back. Just kidding. Just go. Chop-chop."
I start running and running and it feels like the road never ends, and I feel my lungs heavy and my knees are aching, but I keep running 'till I see the camp.
I haven't been here for a few hours and look what happens.
Everytime I wasn't there, he was doing stupid things and got into troubles. So that's why I need to be there, as a guardian angel.
I see Andrew and some others outside at the tables, but I ignore them all and get inside the cabin, where I see my friends lying on the sofa and watching cartoons.
"Is he alright?" I panted and they all turned they look on me.
"He's fine. His unconscious. God, I love saying this, " Aiden said while chortling and eating popcorn.
"What?"
"He is sleeping, Davina. He is fine. If he hadn't been alright then he wouldn't be here, but at the hospital. Go and check him,"Tess said and punched me gently on my shoulder. "Don't worry. Your boy is alright. He has been through this before, 'cause he never ceased trying to be better and better at skateboarding and he is always performing dangerous tricks so....He is used to falling and hurting and then trying again and then falling again. "
I grin at her and pull her into a hug, then tramp loudly up to the stairs . I open the door as silently as I can and step inside.
There was semidarkness in the room because of the moon light that was peeping into the room.
I see him asleep in his bed, his body partly covered by a blanket. He has a undisturbed sleep. I can see that just from looking at him. It's peace and quiet in his mind right now.
His left wrist is bandaged and he also has a bandage that covers a part of his forehead and the right temple. He has visible scratches and bruises on his arms, and those scratches are most probably to leave some nice scars there. But it's alright. Scars, no matter they are emotional scars or physical scars, they become part of what we are in the end.
I don't want to wake him up, but I feel like it's the perfect moment to rehearse my long speech about wanting our friendship back.
I know that when I'm gonna tell him everything right in the face, I will get panicked and I will
begin stammering and saying only bullshit 'cause I'm gonna lose all my words. So that's why I wanna say it now.
Even though it'll seem like in those movies, where someone is at the hospital and is probably in a coma or is going to die and somebody else stands beside their bed and tell them everything they haven't said, hoping that person will hear their words.
Something like that. But, thanks God, in reality, he is just in a profound sleep, and probably, profound deafness.
I sit down next to his bed and I take his wounded hand in mine, holding it tight, like never want to let go.
I am careful with it, 'cause I don't wanna hurt his wrist more than already is.
I place my fingers over it, somehow, wishing to take his pain away.
I trace imaginary lines on his palm and stare at the white bandage.
I take a deep breath and place my forehead onto the margin of the bed, still holding his hand. I feel my heart pounding because I still don't know how to begin. But I take courage. I know I gotta to this anyway other day.
I say everything in a whisper so that I won't be heard if anyone gets in the room.
"I'm sorry. For everything I've done, for eveything I haven't done. You were right. I'm not such a good friend. I was sorry for you and I felt mercy for you. But that because I cared about you and it did hurt to see you like that, so it was normal to be sorry for you, right? And all the things I had done they were because I really wanted to help you. Because you were my friend. I didn't careyou were an asshole somedays and it didn't matter that. 'Cause you were my friend, just the way you are.
And it's true that it might seem that you were there for me more than I was for you. But I was there, I am there, I am here.
Well, it was a good start so I don't know if when I'm gonna tell you this for real will sound as well as now...
Uhm...Theo, I'm just sorry, okay? You know I was wrong with all I've said that day about Darren and staff. You know that I talk bullshit when I'm completely pissed off, and everything pisses me off now 'cause I don't know how to just pretend being fine. 'Cause I'm not fine and I wasn't fine at all but I kept everything inside till it got to the point where I was too fucking overwhelmed by all the things that were happening. And I hated you because you were keeping remind me every goddamn day about Darren and I was trying so hard just to clear my mind a little bit and get rid of the thoughts about Darren. And yeah, me and Darren weren't friends, but we were some kind of something anyway, and still affected me, you know. It might seem just simply, that I wasn't even knowing him that well so why should I have been that upset about the fact he had died. But it was fucking hard for me too. You get used to see somebody almost everyday, so often that his presence becomes so usual in your life and you just like that person as a person, and then one day you wake up and you find out he's just gone, and you can't do anything about this anymore 'cause he is already gone. And you know, it's just that painful just to know somebody you knew is just...dead, you know, it was hard for me too. Not that hard like it was for you, it doesn't even compare, but still was something.