Magic and Other Misdemeanors

by Michael Buckley

  “I think we did it,” Daphne said, peeking around the boulder. “You’re mucho smart-o.”

  “Mucho smart-o?”

  “It’s my new word,” Daphne said. “It means you’re very smart.”

  “In what language?”

  “Daphne-ish,” the little girl said matter-of-factly. Sabrina’s sister was always coming up with odd little words or sayings. No one had any idea where any of them came from, but Daphne seemed to have a new one each week.

  “You’re really good at thinking on your feet. I wish I was better at it,” the little girl continued.

  “Well, you’re very good at the magic stuff. I wish I could use a wand,” Sabrina said ruefully. “I guess I’ll do what I’m good at, and you’ll do what you’re good at.”

  “We make a pretty good team,” Daphne said, hugging her sister.

  “We do,” Sabrina agreed.

  “Isn’t this just the sweetest moment ever?” a familiar voice said from above, followed by a mischievous snicker. “I’m going to get a cavity.”

  “Puck,” Daphne groaned.

  Sabrina craned her neck to get a good look at the boy. He was standing on top of the ice boulder. He wore a grungy green hoodie and jeans covered in mud, food, and heaven only knew what else. He had a shaggy head of hair, dazzling blue eyes, and a devilish smirk on his face. His pink-streaked insect wings fluttered behind him and he held a coconut-shaped device that looked a lot like a grenade. He had half a dozen more of them strapped across his chest.

  “What’s that in your hand, Puck?” Sabrina asked suspiciously.

  “It’s my latest creation. I call it a glop grenade. Allow me to demonstrate,” Puck said. “All you do is pull the pin, count to three, and throw it. The unfortunate moron in its path is sprayed with all manner of disgusting rubbish. This one is filled with fur balls and chili. You’re going to have to take a lot of showers to wash this off. You’ll probably have to burn your clothes, too. So where was I? Oh yes, one . . .”

  Sabrina lifted her hands to show him they were clenched into fists. “You throw that thing at us, and it will be the biggest mistake of your miserable life, fairy boy.”

  “Two,” Puck continued, unimpressed.

  Sabrina watched him wind up to throw the grenade, and with reflexes faster than she even suspected she possessed, she snatched her little sword from her coat pocket and brought it down on his hand. He cried out and dropped the device. It hit the ground and rolled toward a tree, exploding an icky brown-and-yellow slime all over the bark. The frigid air quickly hardened the substance into an icy shell. Unfortunately, the air couldn’t freeze the revolting aroma that wafted into Sabrina’s nose. She almost gagged.

  “You’re going to pay for that, snotface,” Puck snarled, but Sabrina was no fool. She was already on her feet and pulling Daphne down the path.

  “Look at the piggies run!” she heard him cry. “Silly piggies! You can’t outrun me.”

  He was probably right, but she was going to try anyway. She ran as fast as she could, stumbling along as she lost her footing over and over again on the slippery terrain. Daphne was having just as much difficulty.

  “One! Two! Three!” she heard Puck shout, and another foul-smelling explosion splattered the ground just inches away. Luckily, Daphne pulled Sabrina back in the nick of time.

  “C’mon!” The little girl shouted as she fled from the path and into the forest.

  “No! That’s what he wants us to do!” Sabrina cried.

  “We don’t have any other choice,” Daphne said as another glop grenade exploded onto the tree next to them.

  They ran through an outcropping of tightly packed frozen maples. Sabrina hoped the trees would provide the girls with cover for a moment so she could think about what to do next. But her hopes were dashed when she spotted the trees’ inhabitants. Hiding in the branches above the girls’ heads was an army of chimpanzees dressed in white-and-gray camouflage overalls and wearing matching soldiers’ helmets. Each chimp was holding one of Puck’s glop grenades in its long, furry hands. The sight of them brought the sisters to a screeching halt.

  “OK. No sudden movements,” Sabrina said, recalling her first encounter with Puck’s primate privates. They were a nasty bunch, but if the girls were careful, they might get away from them. “Just be quiet and take a slow step backward.”

  Daphne did as she was told while Sabrina kept an eye on the chimps. The beasts made no motion to attack. They just stared at the girls with a dull curiosity.

  “They’re going to let us go,” Daphne said. “They’re nice monkeys.”

  Sabrina cringed when she heard the first angry shriek. Before she knew it, all the chimps were gnashing their teeth and jumping up and down in the branches.

  “What’s wrong?” Daphne said.

  “They’re not monkeys! They’re chimpanzees, and they’re very sensitive about it,” Sabrina explained as the first of the grenades exploded at their feet, splattering the ground in what looked like brown gravy and mayonnaise. “We should run.”

  But Daphne was already running back the way she came.

  “Traitor!” Sabrina shouted, chasing after her. Unfortunately, the chimps were in hot pursuit. They swung from limb to limb, screaming and spitting and tossing their disgusting weapons at the girls. Explosions went off all around them, and the best the girls could do was cover their heads, run, and hope for the best.

  “This is so stupid,” Daphne cried. “If I had the Shoes of Swiftness, we’d be out of here in a flash. I could even stop this with the Golden Cap. I’d like to see their little faces when a wave of flying monkeys came at them. Doing this without magic is mucho lame-o!”

  “Just head back to the path,” Sabrina said. She could see the trees were thinning out, leaving the primates fewer branches to swing from. It wasn’t long before the dirty fur balls were tumbling out of the trees and falling into the huge snowdrifts below. Those that didn’t fall must have heard the others’ painful thuds and were smart enough to give up the chase. Sabrina glanced back and saw them shake their fists at her and her sister.

  Once the girls were back on the path, they found themselves at the top of another steep embankment. At its bottom Sabrina spotted a thin black ribbon of smoke rising into the air. She looked for the source: a small fire burning at the bottom of the hill. Sabrina squinted and saw Granny Relda sitting next to it in a Victorian-style stuffed chair, with her legs propped up on an ottoman. Sabrina couldn’t help but grin, especially when the woman rose to her feet and waved at them. Granny Relda had never seen them get so close, and judging by her reaction, she was elated. A wave of pride rolled over Sabrina.

  “Let’s go before—”

  Sabrina didn’t get to finish her sentence. Gravity and the icy ground sent her flailing down the hill. She’d grabbed Daphne’s arm on her way down, hoping it would stop her, but all it did was yank her little sister off her feet. Together they went sliding down the embankment.

  “No fair!” Puck cried as he swooped down over them. He tossed another grenade, then another and another, but none landed close enough to cause any damage. Not that the girls were doing anything to avoid his attack. They were spinning, flopping, skidding, tumbling, and careening down the hill with no way to steer or stop. When they reached the bottom, they slammed into their grandmother.

  “Lieblings! Are you OK?” Granny Relda asked. The old woman had fallen on her back and was struggling like a turtle to right herself.

  “We’re fine, Granny,” Daphne replied. “Are you hurt?”

  Granny Relda smiled as Sabrina helped her to her feet. “I’m fine. Congratulations. You passed the test!”

  Suddenly, Puck appeared overhead with his last grenade in hand.

  “No way! You cheated, stinkpot!” Puck cried.

  “How did we cheat?” Daphne said.

  “I don’t know yet,” Puck said, tossing the last of his weapons. It hit the ground and rolled in between Sabrina’s legs.

  “Puck, NO! The g
irls beat you!” Granny shouted as she threw up her arms and backed away.

  Sabrina cringed and prepared to be drenched in something disgusting. After a few moments, she opened her eyes and studied Puck’s weapon. There was something different about this one. Something was there that shouldn’t have been. Sabrina smiled. The pin was still inserted.

  “Uh-oh,” Puck said.

  “One,” Sabrina said as she pulled the pin.

  “Put it down, piggy!” Puck cried.

  “Two,” Sabrina said.

  “I’m warning you. I’ll make you regret it.”

  Sabrina didn’t wait for three. She threw the grenade. It hit Puck in the chest and exploded into a wave of purple nastiness that smelled like rotten eggs, pumpkins, and ranch dressing. The substance soaked him all over and then froze instantly in the chilly air, enclosing him in an icy cocoon. His big pink wings were the only things not trapped. They flapped furiously, but the added weight of ice was too much, and he plummeted to the ground with a thud.

  Granny went to him and rested her hand on his frozen head. “We’ll get you out lickety-split,” she said to him, then turned to the girls and gestured behind the chair. There was a door, standing by itself in open space. “Go ahead, lieblings. You earned it.”

  Sabrina and Daphne approached the door. Together they clenched the doorknob in their hands and turned it. The door opened, flooding them in warm air and bright light. Sabrina turned to her sister and caught her beaming smile. She took Daphne’s hand and together they stepped through the doorway.

  Mirror and Uncle Jake were waiting on the other side.

  “So, what’s the verdict?” Uncle Jake asked.

  Daphne smiled even harder. “We passed!”

  “Congrats, peanut,” Uncle Jake cried, swooping her up in his arms. He planted a big smooch on the little girl’s forehead. “I knew you could do it.”

  Mirror rushed to Sabrina and shook her hand vigorously. “Well done!”

  “Thank you, Mirror,” Sabrina said. She could feel her chest swelling up with pride. It was unusual for her family to praise her—not that she could blame them. In the past she had been a cranky, argumentative jerk.

  A third man joined the celebration, approaching from the mirror’s portal at the end of the hall. He was enormous, standing nearly seven feet tall, with a shock of gray hair and bright gray eyes. His hands, one of which had dark black talons, were covered in fur and he had a bushy tail. He also looked very tired.

  “Mr. Canis,” Granny said. “The girls passed their escape test.”

  “I am pleased,” Mr. Canis said, though his face didn’t reflect his words. The old man did not smile often. “Some of the guests have arrived.”

  “Oh, dear me,” Granny cried. “I’m not even finished cooking—oh, and Puck! Oh dear, Jacob, he could use a hand. He’s just on the other side of the door. He can’t move.”

  Uncle Jake stepped through the doorway. A moment later he returned with Puck hoisted on his shoulder, still frozen solid.

  “Where should I put him?” Jake asked, smelling the boy. “Oh, mercy! He smells like a septic tank.”

  “Put him in the shower,” Granny said. “The hot water will melt the ice and he could use a bath anyway.”

  Puck made an angry mumble. Bathing was not one of his favorite pastimes.

  “Stop your grumbling,” Granny said to the boy. “When you’re out of the shower, I’d like you to wear something clean. Perhaps that blue shirt with the cute little alligator on it that I bought for you.”

  Puck’s unpleasant mumbling got louder.

  “Puck! Wear the shirt!” Granny Relda insisted. “We’re having guests.”

  Daphne’s face sprouted an ecstatic smile and she clapped her hands like a child at a birthday party. “The princesses are coming!”

  “If you don’t need anything, Relda, I believe I’ll retire to my room,” Mr. Canis said.

  “You don’t want to join us, old friend?” Granny Relda asked.

  Mr. Canis shook his head and shuffled back down the long hallway. He hadn’t always been a hairy giant. When the girls had first met him, he seemed like the skinniest old man in the world, but he was changing, and not for the better. His new appearance reminded people that he had a monster called the Big Bad Wolf trapped inside him that was slowly clawing its way out.

  The group walked along the hallway to the portal that led back into the real world. They stepped through it into the spare bedroom where Henry and Veronica rested. Uncle Jake carried Puck to the shower while Granny and Daphne rushed off to greet the guests arriving downstairs. Sabrina, however, lingered, sitting down on the bed next to her parents. Henry and Veronica lay quietly, as if they were enjoying an afternoon nap. Sabrina ran her hand across her father’s stubbly beard and kissed her mother on the forehead. So far, the family hadn’t found anything that could break the spell that kept her parents asleep. Sometimes, in the still of night, Sabrina would wake up in a panic, convinced her parents were somehow conscious, feeling helpless and abandoned. She would creep out of bed and spend an hour or two looking over them, assuring them that she was working as hard as she could on a remedy for their enchanted slumber.

  A normal person would have probably been very disturbed by what Sabrina had just seen—a boy with wings, magical doorways, glop grenades, a wolfman, parents trapped under magic spells—but for Sabrina Grimm, it was just another day in Ferryport Landing.

  She hadn’t always spent her afternoons in such odd surroundings. She had once been a normal girl living in New York City with her little sister, Daphne, and her parents. She remembered there had actually been times when she thought her family was boring. That all changed the night Henry and Veronica disappeared. The police searched high and low for them and found only one clue—the abandoned family car, with a bloodred handprint painted on the dashboard. With no known next of kin, the girls were dumped into an orphanage and then into the foster-care system, where they spent a year and a half bouncing from one certifiable lunatic to the next. They’d lived with paranoid schizophrenics, mean-spirited kids, angry animals, and every other weirdo the state would grant a child.

  When they were sent to live with their grandmother, Sabrina was sure the old woman was just another whack-a-doodle. After all, Sabrina and Daphne’s grandmother was supposed to be dead. Their father had told them this himself. Of course “Granny Relda,” as they eventually called her, didn’t help her case much. She had a lot of crazy stories, including one in which the girls were the youngest living descendents of Jacob and Wilhelm Grimm—also known as the Brothers Grimm. Granny Relda said the brothers’ famous book of fairy tales was actually a history of true events. Along with other writing legends like L. Frank Baum, Rudyard Kipling, and Hans Christian Andersen, they had documented what they witnessed in order to warn the world about magical phenomena. In fact, she claimed, most of these storybook characters, who now preferred to be called Everafters, still lived in their new hometown, Ferryport Landing.

  That was the good news. The bad news was every Everafter in town was stuck there—trapped inside a magical bubble set up by their great-great-great-great-great-grandfather Wilhelm Grimm to prevent a war between humans and fairy-tale folk. Worse still, a lot of the Everafters deeply resented their imprisonment and many directed their anger toward the Grimm family.

  Naturally, Sabrina thought the old woman was off her rocker. Until Granny Relda was kidnapped by a giant.

  The girls rescued her and were soon caught up in the fight to stop other deranged Everafters from destroying the town. They discovered that all the bad guys they came across had one thing in common: They were members of a shadowy group known as the Scarlet Hand. No one knew how many Everafters were members or who their mysterious “Master” was, but one thing was for sure—the Scarlet Hand planned on taking over the world.

  Sabrina had fought her destiny for a long time. She wasn’t interested in becoming a fairy-tale detective like her father, grandmother, and everyone before them,
even though her sister embraced the job. For Sabrina, the danger, chaos, and just plain craziness of the family occupation had taken some getting used to. Only recently, after a trip to New York City, had Sabrina realized that there were many ways to be a Grimm. She also realized it was time for her to give the family business a chance.

  Unfortunately, avoiding a glop grenade wielded by a mischievous flying boy was part of the package. Sabrina and Daphne’s days were packed with training: lessons on clue finding, self-defense, crime-scene investigation, tracking, and the use of magical items. The latter was a class Daphne excelled in, primarily because Sabrina didn’t feel right around too much magic. She had learned that she didn’t like who she became when she used it—she was addicted, or “touched” as some of the Everafters said. Still, Granny felt it might be useful if Sabrina understood how magic worked and, more important, how she might defend herself and her sister against it. The training never ended and the pace was exhausting. But Sabrina was secretly enjoying herself—especially when it came to things she excelled at, like tracking and self-defense. She was a natural at clue finding, and she enjoyed criminal psychology, taught by former police deputies Boarman and Swineheart. That’s where the girls learned that thinking like criminals helped you catch them. All of it was fun . . . except for the glop grenades, of course.

  As Sabrina sat on the bed she spotted a large, bulbous head with thick, muscular features in the ornate mirror she and her family had just stepped through. Mirror’s face looked very different when he was peering out at them. He could seem intimidating, almost frightening. Sabrina supposed this face was to protect the secrets that were hidden on the other side of the reflection.

  “How are the sleepyheads?” he asked.

  “The same,” Sabrina said with a sigh.

  “Well, that’s what the party is for. Maybe someone will have the key to waking them up.”

  Sabrina nodded hopefully. “Granny asked everyone that’s ever been enchanted over tonight. Daphne is nearly jumping out of her pants. She’s in a princess phase.”