Photographing Memory: A Friends To Lovers Romance

by Bates, Aiden

  Myles, who had dark blond hair and a little bit of fuzz where his facial hair should be, snorted. “You came to Allston to escape the drunks?”

  “You haven’t seen the people at the shop on Friday night.” Devon shuddered. “So what’s up with the two of you, huh? How come you’re sitting there looking at us like you’re guilty of something? Did you drink all the rum?”

  Jason, the fourth roommate, scowled. “Man, I’m going to be so pissed if they drank all the rum and didn’t replace it.”

  “Take your underwear out of the freezer and we can talk about replacing things,” Alex told him, pressing his lips together. “And no, we didn’t drink all the rum. I don’t think either of us has had a drink since early October, actually.”

  Jordan took Alex’s hand again. He was liking this, just holding Alex’s hand like they belonged exactly like this.

  Myles looked between them. “What are you trying to say?”

  Jordan cleared his throat. “We’re pregnant.”

  Jason shook his head. “Only one of you can actually be pregnant. That’s something that always pisses me off. One person is pregnant, but they both run around saying we, like the donor parent is the one who has to push the thing out or carry a bowling ball around on their bladder or something like that. It’s ridiculous. One of you is going to suffer, and the other one is going to sit back and try to support them.”

  Alex laughed a little. “Ordinarily, you’d be right. But in this case, well, we are pregnant. I’m having his baby. He’s having my baby. Two babies. Both ours.”

  All three roommates stared. Then Devon stood up and turned away. “Gross, man. Gross. I did not need those kinds of details about your sex life.”

  Myles swatted Devon on the back of his head. “Dude, you introduced them!”

  “I did, and I’m very happy for them if this is what they want! I’m still grossed out to think about the details! No one wants that kind of mental image of the guys he lives with — no one.” Devon gave an exaggerated shudder. “That’s just nasty.”

  Jason pouted. “We’re going to have to find a new roommate, and that’s going to be a pain.”

  Alex sighed. “I know. I’ve got a guy I’d like you to meet. He works with me at the bank, and he’s not having a great time in his current place. But you know we didn’t plan this, and we’re so sorry to do this to you.”

  Devon turned back around. “I’ll admit I’m pissed. I like how we work here, you know? I like the dynamic we have going. But I’d be more pissed off if you brought two babies into the house.”

  “Right?” Myles snorted. “They cry all the time, and they smell bad.”

  “Can’t curse in front of them,” Jason added. “Fuck that.”

  Jordan joined in the general laughter. No one seemed genuinely angry. They all seemed to be taking things fairly well, if Jordan was any kind of judge. He shoved his hands into his pockets. “So we’re okay?” he asked, looking around at the others.

  “We’re good,” Devon told him. “But before you take Alex off to live in some kind of little love nest, you’ve got to help us throw a party.”

  “A party?” Alex paled. “That sounds expensive.”

  “Nah. Not if we do it right.” Myles put a hand on Alex’s back. “But we’re going to give you two a proper send-off into the morass of parenthood.”

  Jordan plastered a smile onto his face. He didn’t know what a proper send-off involved, but it sounded loud.

  19

  Alex had been doing well. He’d managed to avoid any more public panic attacks. What happened in the privacy of his own room was no one’s business but his own, but he’d taught himself to compartmentalize his fears and feelings during the day. He got through the workday with no major problems, and had worked out a routine at night to make sure he got at least six hours of sleep.

  It worked, five nights out of seven. If he tossed and turned the other two nights, waking himself up from nightmares of trying to steal a few hours’ shelter on the train, or trying to scrape up bail money with two kids hanging onto his legs, no one else needed to know. He sat down dutifully to sketch for an hour or two every night before he went to sleep, and that did seem to help get his mind away from his fears.

  His roommates had thrown themselves full steam ahead into party planning. They’d ordered two kegs, and splurged on an amount of booze that just seemed downright absurd to Alex. He couldn’t wrap his head around it, but it made them happy.

  He wanted to cry every time he chipped in for something new, but he did owe it to the other guys to help out. Alex’s financial crisis wasn’t their fault, it was his own. He’d been the one to screw up, to get pregnant before he could afford to meet his responsibilities and raise a child, so he had to grin and bear it.

  Jordan sat down with him the Friday after they told his parents, a week before the party. “Have you told your parents yet?” They were at a noodle restaurant, and Alex had immediately separated half of his meal out to save it for tomorrow. He could save a little bit of money that way, at least.

  “No.” Alex looked down. “They’re starting to suspect that something’s wrong, because I’m not spending as much time on the phone with them as I should, but they don’t know yet.”

  Jordan put his fork down. “Why does it have to be something wrong?”

  Alex looked away. He couldn’t stand to see the disappointment in Jordan’s eyes. “Because they’ll worry, Jordan. They’ll worry about whether or not they’ll be able to make the payments on their place, and they’re right to worry. I don’t know if they can make the payments they need to. They can’t afford it if I cut back on the amount I’m sending home, you know?”

  “Alex, I understand that, but this is about us. This is about our family, the one we’re starting together. Are you honestly going to tell me you want to bring two children into the world without their grandparents knowing about it at all?” Jordan gave him a hard look, and Alex felt about two feet tall.

  “I know. I know.” Alex tried to catch his breath. “And I get it was hard for you to tell your parents, too. It was for different reasons, but that doesn’t change the fact that it was hard to do or the fact that it took a lot of courage to do it. I just — I’ve already let them down so much, and—”

  “Whoa there, hey, let’s head that one off.” Jordan tightened his jaw. “You got a full ride to a good school. You got a good job, and you’re sending money home.”

  “I should have moved back and given them more.” Alex hunched in on himself.

  “No. Absolutely not. For one thing, you wouldn’t have gotten this kind of job back in Texas. For another, you have the right to live your own life.”

  Jordan put his hands on the table. “Pull yourself together and think about this reasonably, would you? Were you mad when your parents couldn’t get you a big house when you first moved to Texas?”

  “Don’t be absurd. They did the best they could.” Alex glared at Jordan.

  “So why do you think they’re disappointed in you for not buying them a giant house somewhere? You’re helping them out, and living well below your means to do it.

  “I love you, Alex. I really do. And I want to be with you. But I won’t have you making our children think they’re a problem for you. I don’t want to be considered a problem for you, either. Are we clear?”

  Alex hung his head. “I’m sorry.”

  “Don’t be sorry; just don’t do it.”

  Alex bit his tongue. It was all well and good for Jordan to say just don’t do it; he didn’t have the responsibility Alex did. It was downright selfish of Alex to be having a baby and setting up a life of his own while his parents’ situation was still so precarious, and they’d raised him better than that.

  Of course, Jordan thought himself selfish for not going to protests, so he didn’t get arrested or hurt and risk the baby. Alex didn’t think it was selfish at all, but that was how Jordan had been raised. He was making the choice because it was best for the baby, and fo
r their future, but he still felt guilty about it. He still felt he was letting people down.

  Part of Alex wanted to scream that it wasn’t the same. Other people would step in and get arrested in Jordan’s place; it didn’t have to be his body on the front lines. Alex, being an only child, was the only person who could help to support his parents. But that wasn’t fair to Jordan, who had been more than fair to Alex, so he stayed quiet.

  “Oh — I almost forgot to tell you,” Jordan said after a few minutes. “I got into a special exhibition at the MFA.”

  Alex almost did a spit take. “Are you for real?”

  “As real as this table.” Jordan grinned quietly. “It’s a special exhibition of up-and-coming artists from around the Boston area. It’s going to be great publicity for me — I already got a call from the Globe and from Boston magazine.”

  Alex didn’t have to put any false cheer into his hug or his delighted cheer. “Make sure I get a flyer, so I can put it up at my desk.”

  He clapped his hands with excitement. “I can’t send out promos on company emails or message boards, but I can put stuff up passively in the break room. Oh! And we can hand flyers out at the party and everything.”

  Jordan’s eyes gleamed with pride, but he laughed. “The MFA will be filled with Allstonians and bankers. It’ll be a great mix.”

  “Some of us are both,” Alex pointed out, sitting up straighter and affecting a prim posture. “Seriously, though, I’m so proud of you! I know you’ve worked hard to get to this point, even though you’re young.”

  “I have.” Jordan nodded, smiling gently. “And I think it’s okay to admit it.

  “Yeah, I’m young. But I have always known what I wanted to do. And I focused, and I pushed myself, and I made it happen.

  “It wasn’t easy, but I’m doing it. And I’m glad my friends and my family have been here to support me.” He beamed at Alex. “And I’m glad we’re family, now.”

  Alex let out a little laugh and put his head on Jordan’s shoulder. “We are, aren’t we?” He sighed happily. “It’s still kind of weird to me, you know? I’m happy, don’t get me wrong, but everything is moving so fast.” He tugged at his collar. “I might have made an appointment for us to go look at a two bedroom in Watertown this weekend.”

  “Watertown?” Jordan wrinkled his nose. “Huh. I guess I’ve just never thought of Watertown as … well, as anything before. It’s worth taking a look at, if the place is within our budget.”

  “It’s on the top end of our budget, but there isn’t a lot on the market in November or December. I’d rather get it done now, than try to move at the end of May when we’re eight months pregnant.” Alex made a face. “I mean, that’s just stupid, and if we can avoid hiring movers, I’d rather.”

  “Fair enough. They can be expensive, and I’m not doing heavy lifting at eight months pregnant.” Jordan made a face. “So. This party. How are you doing with the whole thing?”

  Alex squirmed and tried to meet Jordan’s eyes. “I’m trying to be supportive, I really am. I feel like they’ve wanted to do a party for a while, and they’ve only been holding off because of my schedule.”

  Jordan pursed his lips and tilted his head, considering. “I don’t think it’s likely to be only your schedule. Devon works weird hours too, you know?”

  “He does.” Alex composed himself a little better, happier now that he knew he wasn’t the only one holding them back. “I’m still just … uncomfortable with the whole thing. Costs keep skyrocketing, mostly for booze, and I can’t think who the hell they’re inviting that’s going to go through two kegs and sixteen tons of vodka in one night.” He turned back to his noodles.

  “I have no idea, but they’ve got their guest list, I guess.” Jordan chuckled. “Are you telling me you’re not inviting half the bank?”

  Alex cringed. “Are you insane? Very Serious Bankers who make Very Serious Money don’t throw keggers in the student ghetto. I invited Colby, so he has a chance to meet everyone in a relaxed setting, but no, the rest of the suit crowd doesn’t get to come.”

  Jordan laughed. “Probably for the best. What else is on your mind?”

  Alex bit his lip. “So, given that we don’t know how big this is going to get, I have to admit that I’m a little worried about police involvement. I know we’ve cut the neighbors a lot of slack, and I do mean a lot, but we’re running up into midterms, right?

  “And they’re not going to care that we’ve cut them slack if they’re trying to cope with exam issues. They’re just going to care that we’re keeping them up while they’re working on papers and studying for exams. And the cops have been cracking down on booze and parties anyway, after that incident back in September, back at that frat party.”

  Jordan’s eyes flashed, but he covered it. “Well, you guys aren’t inviting anyone underage, are you?”

  “I have no idea.” Alex let his head fall back, so he was looking up at the ceiling. “I have no clue at all. And that’s a problem, because the cops aren’t going to care who invited the eighteen-year-old and let him fill his cup, right? They’re going to arrest the people renting the house and throwing the party.”

  He picked his head up again and met Jordan’s eyes. “If my partner getting arrested would have a negative impact on my job, how much worse would it be if I got arrested for hosting a party where some dumb kid I didn’t even know got blitzed and did something stupid?”

  “At least that’s something you can reasonably be expected to have some control over,” Jordan muttered.

  “Except I don’t!” Alex threw his hands in the air. “I have no control over any of it — not having the party, not who they invite, not what happens at the party. The only thing I’m allowed to do is clean and to hand over money when someone comes up with his hand out, but I’ll be paying the consequences all the same when it all goes wrong. This is going to be an unmitigated disaster, and we both know it.”

  Jordan shook his head. “Alex, babe, I know you’re only able to control some of this thinking. And I’m trying to be patient, I swear I am, but have you considered the possibility that things might not go wrong? That this might actually be fun, and you might not have a bad time?” He looked up through his lashes, handsome and puckish.

  If Alex weren’t caught up in his fears, he’d have kissed him, right there in the restaurant. “Not really,” he said, and slumped. “I don’t want to do this. I just want to go and hide out for the night, someplace quiet and safe and nowhere near Allston.”

  Jordan frowned. “I think your roommates would take that as an insult.”

  “I think you’re right. I just need to figure out how much I can let myself care.” Alex massaged his temples. “I can’t keep on like this, Jordan. I can’t keep on running around in absolute terror, worried every little thing is going to leave us homeless and desperate.”

  Jordan looked at him for a long time before he put his hand on Alex’s shoulder. “It’s going to be okay,” he said. “You just have to let go and let yourself trust.”

  Alex let out a little sob. If only anything were that easy.

  20

  Jordan filled a red Solo cup with seltzer water and sat back with Devon. The house on Alcott Street was hopping, and everything was amazing. The roommates had truly outdone themselves. Little strings of lights hung everywhere to celebrate the occasion, and people danced as well as they could in the crowded rooms of the house.

  Devon popped the top on a can of beer, took a deep drink, and gave Jordan a huge grin. “Don’t you wish you could have one of these right now?”

  Jordan tilted his head to the side. “Nah. Not really. I mean, technically, I could choose to have one, if I wanted to. But I’m not, because this baby means too much to me. So I’m fine with it.”

  Devon pretended to make a face. “Spoilsport.” Then he looked around. “Hey, where is Alex, anyway?”

  Jordan sighed and slid down in his seat. “Not sure. Probably fretting somewhere.”

  Devo
n gave Jordan a knowing look. “Trouble in paradise?”

  Jordan sighed. “Not exactly. He’s just — well, it’s no secret to you. You know how much he worries about money.”

  “Well, yeah. Suddenly having two kids on the way, when he’s already supporting his parents, is no joke, man.” Devon let out a low whistle. “How did you peel him off the ceiling, anyway?”

  “The first time, or the five hundred times after that?” Jordan shook his head. “I love him. I truly do. And I understand why he’s afraid.

  “But his worries about money and the future have become a full-blown clinical case, and yes, I do mean he needs to talk to a doctor about them. I know he’s terrified of losing his job, but I have to wonder just how much of it is in his head and how much of it is really the culture at that place.” He took a sip of his seltzer water and, for the first time since learning he was pregnant, wished it really was beer.

  “Probably a little from column a, a little from column b.” Devon nodded sagely as an attractive young man walked by. He followed him with his eyes until he left the room, and then he turned his attention back to Jordan.

  “Sorry. I don’t know which it is, but I know he was always worried about money back when he was in college, too. I don’t know if that helps at all. He had a full ride, but he needed cash for things outside of tuition, room, and board, and he sent money home all the time.”

  “Sounds about right.” Jordan rested his head against the cushions and closed his eyes. “All I know is that it’s nice to get away from it for a little while. I love him, and I want to be supportive, but it’s nice to just … step away for a minute.”

  “I’ll bet.” Devon gave him half a smile, the sympathetic version of a smirk. “So do you guys have names picked out yet, or not?”

  Jordan laughed. “No, we don’t have names picked out. Don’t you think it’s a little early? We haven’t even had the first sonograms yet!”

  “You might want to get on that.” Devon chuckled. “I hear pre-natal care is kind of a thing these days. You might decide to go the traditional route. I mean, home births do save money, but there’s all the hassle of getting the birth certificate, and then there’s the whole hissy fit your landlord throws when he finds out you gave birth on the kitchen floor.”