by S. Moose
I’m going to do everything to make things right. Gathering every ounce of courage I have, I take the next few steps closer to her room, and as I’m about to walk into her room, I freeze.
Silently I stand, frozen at the sight of another man next to the woman I love. The woman I should’ve fought for. The pain wells in my chest, and I clench it, hoping for a reprieve.
None comes.
The torment of knowing I did this, knowing I left her, forces its way through me. Ripping me into shreds and leaving me with nothing because my life is in the room before me.
Ashley and our child.
I take a few steps back and escape the image that’ll be ingrained in my mind. I flee and get back into my car, start the ignition, and reverse out of the parking lot, driving down the street to void the voices in my head.
I’m doing the right thing.
It’s for the best.
“I need to go see her,” I finally let out. “She needs to know I’m here, and we need to clear the air.” I look at Will, standing with his arms over his chest, smiling from ear to ear. “What do you think?”
“My man. Finally! A good answer. Go get her.”
I shake my head. “I can’t burst back into her life without any warning. She deserves more than a disruption.”
After finishing with Will, I get in my car and head toward her house. It takes minutes before I’m parked in front of her home. Will’s been keeping tabs on her for me and letting me know how she’s doing.
I didn’t want to get too close. If she sees me, she’ll freak out, and I’ll lose my chance to get to know her again and get to know our child.
I watch the front door from a safe distance, waiting for her to come out, waiting for just a chance.
One chance.
About ready to leave, I see the door open, and the woman who has been haunting my dreams takes a seat on a rocking chair, cradling a book in her arms and resting back. After all these years, she still takes my breath away.
“I’ll see you soon,” I whisper and drive away, hoping my plan to see her will work.
Chapter 9
Ashley
Each morning, I read love letters that were tucked away for years, hidden from the world to see. The collection of dust on top of the box was undisturbed. The letters contained words from deep within the heart of a man who loved a woman and devoted his life to her. Words that made anyone, even a person without emotions, believe in the power of love once again. These letters I read were to another woman, and I was jealous of her. I was jealous she found a man who doted over her and gave everything to her. People search the world for this type of love. It awakens your soul and brings out the best of you.
In my eyes, she was the luckiest woman in the world. She found her soul mate. Her penguin. She found a love some people died without ever finding. This type of love withstood storms and tsunamis.
She was beautiful and resembled me in so many ways, from our long dark brown hair to dark brown eyes and our sweet with a touch of crazy personality. It’s what the man in the letters loved most about her. She loved with her whole heart but had moments when her mood was a tornado.
Quick.
Fast.
Destructive.
The box containing the letters were on the closet floor behind containers of clothes that have been put away all these years. Hundreds of letters, some were short, some were long, some were on wide-ruled paper, and some were on sticky notes. Each word in the letters had heart and love behind the words. The simplest letter held that emotion. As I held each letter in my hands, I felt his love for her. He wanted to build a life with her and one day grow old. He wanted to look at the life they built together and smile because he was with her.
The letters always started with My Dearest Kelly and ended with All my love, Kurt.
Kelly and Kurt
My parents.
My father passed away from a massive heart attack. It was quick.
Sudden.
The vision of him sleeping in the casket. It was the last time I saw him. We decided to have him buried in a black suit, and my mother placed a note in his pocket. I remembered the way she stared at him while our family and friends gave their condolences. It broke our hearts. The man she loved, loved with her whole heart, was gone.
He was simply gone.
When he gained his wings, my mother never was the same. She was sad all the time and spent a few months in the psych ward at the hospital. She woke up one morning, leaned over to kiss him, and realized he had passed in his sleep.
The love of her life took his last breath with her by his side.
The months after her release, there was a lift of life back in her. My pregnancy gave her life meaning. Dana, my older sister, was getting married. Leigh, my younger sister, was moving to Seattle from New York City. Her girls were together in Seattle, and things were looking up. She became whole once again.
As time went on, we decided I’d be the one to take in our mother between the three of us. It made the most sense. She was retired, and it would never be boring at my place. I found a fixer-upper with three bedrooms and two bathrooms. It was a cute ranch-style home I could call my own.
In the quiet of the sun rising, here I am, sitting in the silence, admiring the life I’m building. I’m proud of the woman I am today. I’m standing strong and holding down the fort.
Then, out of the blue, it happens.
In these silent moments, my heart goes back to a moment in my life where things were easy, and I didn’t have to question every thought or action.
Being in Seattle has its moments. I sit in the quiet, my mind going a thousand miles an hour, wondering we’ll ever cross paths. Meg gives me information about the man who let me go. After all these years, my heart still beats for him. I wish I could honestly forget his face or stupid smile or the way I felt in his arms.
Another round of shivers skates down my body, raising the goose bumps and making me tremble with need.
“More, please.”
His lips press against my shoulder. “I love that you want more. My dirty girl.”
This makes me blush. I’ve never taken my body to this level of need and sexual pleasure, but with Clayton, it’s easy. He boosts my confidence, and I never have to shy away from him.
Clayton smooths his hands down my sides until he grips my waist, all while keeping his eyes on me.
I arch into him, making sure I don’t take my eyes off him either.
“I love you want to give me more.” I blush again. “Sorry. I’m not good at talking dirty and being a sexual goddess.”
“That’s fine. I don’t want that. All I want is you, and all I want to do is give you every pleasure in the world. Will you let me do that for you?”
“Yes. Of course. I want all of that, and I want to give you all the pleasures of the world. You can have all of me, Clayton.”
“I love the sound of that.”
The memory of Clayton pushes me near the edge, but I pick myself back up and shake it away. All I’ll ever have are memories, and I’m okay with that.
I need to be okay with that.
I take a moment to reflect on all that’s happened and thank the stars for the life I have now. Trying to see if I could have done something different, but then I remember we can’t change the past since it’s out of our control. What we can change, what we have control of is our present and future. The past stands as a lesson to be learned and a guidance tool so we can move forward and not look back.
And on all that’s going to happen.
Whatever that may be.
As I trace their faces in this picture, it gets to me. It’s a memory of my past and the guilt that follows. It never ceases. The guilt only grows, and the nagging voice in my head is on a constant loop, reminding me I’m the reason my life is the way that it is.
“Ashley.” I turn and see my mom coming outside on the deck and taking a seat. “Honey, are you okay? You seem like you’re a million miles away.”
I shrug my shoulder, keeping my eyes on the picture in my hand. “I’ll be okay. I always am. Just getting lost in my thoughts.” I turn in my chair so I’m looking at her. “Do you think about Daddy?”
“All the time.” She sighs and places her hand on her chest over her heart. “He’s the first thing I think about when I wake up and my last thought when I close my eyes. I send a prayer to him every night, and I hope he hears it. Your father is the love of my life. There will never be another man like him. Once you know, you just know.”
“Yeah,” I mumble and try to hold in my emotions. “How do you do it? Losing Daddy wasn’t easy, but you picked yourself back up, and you’re an amazing and strong woman who is always there for us.”
“Because of my children and grandchild. I may not have your father here in this world, but he’s with me always. I truly believe your father is here with us, and he’s guiding me and helping me get through the days and nights. Having you and your sisters in Seattle is a nice bonus. With Dana pregnant with my second grandchild, it just makes life more beautiful.”
“I admire you, Mom. I always have.”
She reaches over and pats my hand. “I’m the one who admires you, my dear. Don’t put yourself down, sweetheart. You’re a strong woman, and you’ve done so much in your life. Your father would be proud of you. I’m so proud of you. I want you to know you can talk to me. No matter what, even if you think I’ll be disappointed, talk to me. A mother knows best.”
I smile at her. As much as I love my mom and know she means well, I can’t open that piece of my heart to her or to anyone. I need to be strong for Alex and focused. We have goals in our lives, and my goal is to ensure I give Alex the best life possible. He’s my reason. My why.
“I can’t open that chapter again.” I blow out a breath. “I think about him all the time and wonder how he’s doing. Meg’s itching to tell me, but I told her not to update me anymore. He’s not coming back to Seattle, and I need to move on with my life. His lack of a response was a response, so I’m moving on, and Alex will be okay.”
“Is Heath coming over today?”
“The truth is, Mom, Heath wasn’t looking to be a stepdad or anything. He wanted me to himself and didn’t like the idea of raising another man’s son. I didn’t want a man like him around Alex. He deserves better, and I do too.”
“I’m sorry. I didn’t know. I should call his mama and let her know what her damn fool of a son is up to. I know Trisha, and she did not raise her son to be the type of man he is today.”
I laugh, shaking my head. “We’re not teens anymore. You can’t go calling his mama because he did an asshole thing. Thanks for asking. I know we’ve had our moments.” I pat her hand. “I’m strong and doing well. Don’t worry about me.”
“You’re my daughter. Of course, I’ll worry about you. Now that you’re a mother, you need to understand that.”
“Thanks. Not necessary, but thanks. I do understand what you’re saying.” I blow out a breath. “Being a mother is hard.”
“I had you three girls. Trust me, I know.” She laughs.
“I need to get Alex up and ready.”
“Okay, honey.”
I get up from the chair and head inside and sneak inside his room. Tiptoeing in, I crawl into his big boy bed and watch the love of my life sleep. This innocent boy brings so much love and life back into me. It’s amazing how your life changes when you hold your baby in your arms for the first time.
A knock on the door gets my attention, and it’s my younger sister, Leigh. She waves, and I wave back.
“I need coffee. Hurry up and get my nephew ready so we can chat.”
“About?”
“Just hurry.”
Leigh walks away, and I roll my eyes. She’s always up to something and thinks I need to date more and settle down. I’m fine with my life. I have Alex, and he’s all I need. The idea of dating gives me the worst kind of headache.
After finding out Heath’s intentions, I stayed single for a few months. Leigh hooked me up with someone from her job, and we went on a few dates. Everything was going great until I found out he wanted a polyamorous relationship. Leigh failed to tell me about his fiancée. Apparently, she didn’t know. Once I ended things with him, I met another man. He was in town for work and was staying close by. I started falling for him. About a month into our relationship, I saw a text from his wife.
Yep.
His wife.
That ended quickly after a few choice words. It took a year before I went on another date. I met him on a dating site, and we immediately clicked. When I walked into the restaurant, I turned right back around because the man was middle-aged. I was catfished.
The saga of my dating life ended quickly, and sure, I miss the companionship and sex. Lord, do I miss sex. I can’t date anyone I want. Whomever I date needed to be okay with the fact I had Alex, and he came before everyone.
Shaking my head from those thoughts, I lean over and kiss the top of his head. “Time to wake up.”
He groans and moves the blanket over his head. Time stands still while I watch him sleep. Going against medical advice was the best decision I ever made.
“Terminating the pregnancy will ensure your survival. It’s the best decision.”
The words from the specialist play in my head. Best decision. No, sorry, Doc, the best decision is peacefully sleeping next to me, and I get the privilege of watching him grow up.
“You keep me strong, baby boy.”
My mom’s living with us to help me when I need it. Between working full-time and taking care of my son, there never seems to be a good time to do anything else—another reason my dating life is nonexistent. I try to make time for my friends about once a month. I’m focusing on saving money, paying my student loans, the bills, and making sure Alex has the best life. I want to give him adventures, and I don’t want him to struggle or not get something he wants.
My phone vibrates, alerting me it’s almost seven, and I need to get him ready for summer camp and head to work.
“Alex.” I say his name slowly and tickle his feet. “Time to wake up, or else I’m going to tickle you and then eat all your muffins.”
“Mama.” He groans. “I’m so grumpy and tired.”
“Yeah?” I laugh and pull him up in a sitting position. “Welcome to my life, babe. Up you go.”
“This sucks. It’s summer vacation.”
“And?”
He rolls his eyes. “I get to sleep in.”
“Nope. Up you go.”
I watch Alex groan and huff. Sometimes, I wonder if he’s really five years old.
Once he’s eating breakfast at the table with my mom, I pull Leigh aside. “What’s up?”
“I have someone for you.”
“No,” I immediately say. “Nope. Not going to happen.”
Leigh rolls her eyes. “Why?”
“May I remind you of Jax?”
She waves her hand. “Okay, so that was because I didn’t research him enough. This guy, though, is perfect for you. He’s a single dad, and I checked into him.”
“How do you know him?”
“Well, he’s Teddy’s best friend’s brother.”
“Teddy?”
“Yep!”
I groan and pinch the bridge of my nose. “I appreciate you and your boyfriend looking out for me, but it’s not a good idea. I’m so busy with work, and I have Alex. It’s summer vacation now, and I need to make sure I have time for him.”
“Come on, Ashley. It’ll be good. Just one date. We can double. I’ve met Tim, and he’s so nice and sweet.”
The doorbell rings, getting my attention, and I hold up a finger for her to pause so I can answer the door, but Alex runs from the kitchen, laughing and picking on Leigh.
“Oh, my goodness! Your son farted on me,” Leigh shouts and turns to chase him.
“Can you both stop?” I laugh. “Alex.” I tune into my mom’s voice. “Please say sorry to Auntie Leigh. Remem
ber, no farting on anyone.”
“Sorry, Auntie.” He smirks and pokes her in the stomach before running again.
The doorbell rings again.
“Behave. Both of you.”
I reach the door, then unlock and swing it open. My heart stops, and my stomach drops. Everything is on pause. My eyes widen, and I say the only thing I can think of. “No. Fucking. Way.”
“Fucking?”
My head whips, and I see Leigh holding Alex. Her eyes are wide, and Alex tilts his head to the side when he sees Clayton.
“Fucking.”
“Great,” I mutter and slowly shut my eyes. “Leigh, can you take him to camp for me. My keys are on the counter.”
“Yep.”
“Alex?” I turn and see Clayton standing on my porch, his hands shoved in his pockets, and he’s staring at my son. “My son.”
“I have a son.” I pause and step out of the house, shutting the door and crossing my arms over my chest. “You need to leave. This isn’t happening.” I keep my voice calm. “You can’t come here unannounced. I mean, it’s unexpected. You don’t just show up at someone’s door after years of silence. Leave, Clayton.”
“I know. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to do that. All I wanted was to find you, and now that I have, I want to talk to you.”
I lift my hand up for him to stop talking. “I tried reaching out to you, and you never responded.” I hear Alex giggling and Leigh putting him in the car seat.
“How old is he?”
“He turned five in March.” I clear my throat. “Look, there’s a lot you don’t know. Obviously.”
“I want to talk when you get the chance. I’m here now, working at a technology company my brother and I started, so I don’t plan on leaving anytime soon. I want a chance if you’ll give that to me.”
“I don’t know. I need to get ready for work. Just text me or something, and we can plan a day to talk.”
“Is your number still the same?”
I nod. I never changed it, hoping Clayton would come back and call me. I waited for months until I realized my phone was never going to get a text or call from him.