by S. Moose
The tears are threatening, and I have to hold it together. I won’t let him see me cry. I won’t allow him to watch me fall apart. “Dinner’s ready, so why don’t you get Alex.”
Clayton nods and smiles, leaving the kitchen, and I lean back around the counter.
What am I going to do?
After dinner and watching Clayton read Alex a bedtime story, we say good night to him and walk into the living room. He takes a step forward, dipping his head to capture my gaze.
“Thank you for letting me come over and spending time with you guys. I’d like to do this more often, but I’m going to wait until you ask me to come over.”
My heart speeds with his nearness, his scent traps my attention, and his warmth settles deep within my belly.
This isn’t how it should be. He shouldn’t be able to cause these feelings.
“Um…” I fumble over my words. “Like I said, day by day, Clayton.”
Gratitude fills his face. “Thank you again. Have a good night, Ashely. I’ll talk to you soon.”
In an attempt to enforce space, I step back and nod my head. “Drive safe.”
Clayton smiles, and his beautiful face stays in my view before he turns and walks away, leaving me alone with my thoughts and wonders.
Chapter 23
Ashley
This is the third day Clayton’s picking up Alex and bringing him back to me. I’m standing by the sink, looking outside the window, waiting with bated breath, and praying I can continue to do this.
I spent all these years hating Clayton, wishing that he never come back to Seattle, and now that he’s back, I don’t know how to feel. I don’t know how to keep up the hate for him. I’m still angry and resent him but seeing Clayton after all this time rattles my emotions. It’s always been impossible not to think about Clayton and not feel something. After everything he’s said to me, said to Alex, I need to keep him at arm’s length. If he wants to be in Alex’s life, then I won’t stand in the way. He’ll be in my life too, but not in that way.
Never again in that way.
The door opens, and I meet them in the hallway. Alex comes to me and jumps in my arms.
“I had a lot of fun with dad. He’s so cool.”
I hug him a little tighter. “That’s good, honey. I’m so glad you’re having fun.”
Clayton’s here for Alex. It’s going to have to be something I accept and not fight. As hard as it is, I can see the happiness in my son’s eyes.
“Maybe next time your mom can come with us. We can go out to eat or walk around the city.”
Alex jumps up and down. “Mom, you have to come with us. Dad is so fun to be around. He’s the man.”
“Sure. Next time I will.”
Alex takes Clayton’s hand, and they go outside in the backyard. A part of me wants to ask Clayton to leave.
It’s hard.
Nothing’s registering to Alex that his dad’s been gone all these years. To him, it’s no big deal. In his eyes, his wishes are coming true, and he’s not going to question it.
But it’s everything.
I don’t know if I’m handling the situation correctly. I wish there was a book about how to accept your son’s father after he left for years. If I can find a manual about this, then I need it as soon as possible because I don’t know if I’m dealing with things the way I should.
I step outside and watch Clayton chasing our son. It’s so easy to fall in love with Clayton. It’s easy to be with him and feel that happiness again. I’m watching him and the way he adores his son. I know that feeling. I remember that feeling.
I’m always learning things the hard way, and I hope Alex’s fate with Clayton turns out different than mine.
I meet Gina for lunch and quickly order a dirty martini. It’s been that kind of day.
Extra dirty with extra olives.
Gina raises a brow. “So, am I to assume you’re not handling the whole situation with Clayton well?”
“Can’t you tell?” The server brings my drink and asks if we’d like anything else.
“We need a few more minutes,” Gina tells him. After he leaves, she turns back to me. “What’s going on?”
I fill her in on the times Clayton’s coming over and him spending time with Alex. She intently listens, and I let it all out.
“I don’t know if I’m doing the right thing. I keep tossing and turning with these thoughts. If he leaves and disappears, how is Alex going to be?”
Gina reaches over and takes my hands. “Alex is going to be okay because he has you as his mama, and he has all of us. You raised such a great boy. He’s got a good head on his shoulders. You need to stop, breathe, and let things happen. I know you want to protect him, we all do, but the more you fight things, the harder it’ll take to accept. You don’t want Alex to sense your resentment toward his dad. Kids are good at sensing these things. From where I’m standing, you’re holding it together. You’re doing a great job. I’m proud of you, babe.”
I tap on the bottom of my martini glass with my index fingers to a random rhythm. My thoughts are running wild. It’s hard to hear that I’m doing a great job, but I know I need to believe it.
“Okay, enough talk about him. Let’s eat!”
“Thank goodness. I’m starving.”
We order our lunch and another round of drinks. I listen to Gina telling me about what’s going on with her and how she’s doing.
“You know, I’m jealous of you.”
I finish drinking my drink. “Me? Why?”
“You’re building this great life, and I’m here doing the same old thing. I want to settle down and find someone. Do you know how hard it is to date? It sucks. Let me tell you why it sucks. The men on these dating sites are looking for easy hook-ups. They don’t want to settle down. Then you have the men who are trying way too hard and it takes the fun out of dating. It shouldn’t be this hard.”
I shake my head. “I hear you, sista.”
“Don’t even. You have someone who worships the ground you walk on. You’re just too damn stubborn to see it.”
I roll my eyes and finish my drink. “Uh huh.”
“Do you think you’ll want to settle down?”
“I don’t think I’m going to be settling down any time soon. I need to be strong and clear-headed with Alex. He’s what’s important. Being a single mom has its ups and downs.”
“You’re rocking the whole single mom thing. I love you for it, and I think you’re not giving yourself enough credit.” Gina takes a sip of her water. “Oh. Did I tell you?”
“What?”
“Tony from radiology keeps asking me to hang out. I think he’s going through a shitty situation with his wife and needs friends. He wants to have all of us go out drinking and dancing. You down?”
I shrug. “I don’t know. I hate being away from Alex and my mom watching him.”
“You need to live, girl. Let’s go out and have some fun. You need it. Hell, I need it, so as your best friend, I am demanding adult time for you.”
I roll my eyes and agree to go out. It shouldn’t be a hard thing to do. It’ll be a few hours, and then I’ll be home to go to bed and take Alex to camp in the morning. He’s good about sleeping through the night.
“Fine. We’ll go out. Just let me know when and where.”
“Yes, girl.”
Getting back home, I see Clayton’s car in the driveway. I let out a breath and go inside to find he’s in my kitchen.
He turns and smiles. “Hey.”
“What are you doing here?”
“I thought I’d come over and make dinner. When I picked up Alex, he asked if I could come over, so I suggested dinner. We went to the store and picked up chicken nuggets, potatoes, and broccoli. It’s almost done if you’re hungry.”
After lunch, I went to work and reviewed some files that were being questioned, so it’s been one of those days.
“Yeah. It sounds good. Thanks for coming over. I, ah, yeah, where’s Alex?”
/>
“He’s in the living room. Dinner will be ready soon.”
I head to the living room and sit on the floor with Alex, placing him on my lap and holding him close to my chest. “I love you, honey. So much.”
“I love you too, Mama.”
Chapter 24
Clayton
I walk into the crowded bar and immediately see her. It’s not hard to find her in the crowds. No matter where we are, I’ll always be able to find her. I’m drawn to her and this feeling and love I have for her won’t go away.
As soon as our eyes meet, I see her with Gina, and a few guys are making a beeline toward them. This intensifies my anger, and I hurry over.
Ashley sees me and shakes her head. I stop in my tracks and eye the men coming over. It takes a second before I realize the guys are a couple and know the girls. I relax a little and nod my head over to the bar.
When I sit on the stool, I ask the bartender for a shot of whiskey and take out my cell phone, scrolling through the messages she sent me.
Ashley: Hey, I know it’s late, and you’re probably wondering why I’m out. I should be with Alex, but after a few hard shifts at the hospital, I needed a few hours to myself. Plus, Gina needed me to come out tonight. Don’t judge me for going out.
Clayton: I’m not judging you. It happens. Is everything okay?
Ashley: I’m a little drunk right now. Can you come get me at 11? I think Gina wants to stay, and she’s fine with me going. I don’t want to ruin her buzz, but I don’t want to be here much longer.
Clayton: Of course, I can come get you. That’s fine. But you’re sure you’re okay?
Ashley: I will be. Thank you, Clayton. See you soon.
“Clayton?”
Her voice makes me smile, and I turn to see her standing next to me. “You okay?”
She chews on her bottom lip with worry in her eyes. “Are you mad at me?”
“No, baby. I’m not mad at you. If you need to let loose a little, then you do what you need to do. You’re still human.”
“Can you take me home now? Our friends are with Gina, and she’s okay.”
“Of course.” I place my hand on the small of her back and lead her out the door and to my car. I wait for her to climb in, and her eyes are on mine.
“You’re making it hard to be around you.”
“What?”
She sighs and lowers her head, hanging on the side of my door. “It’s hard. I’m trying to trust you and believe you. The more I fight it, the harder it is, and I think I’m done fighting it. You’re here, and you’re amazing with our son. I’m cherishing the moments when I get to watch you with him. He adores you and I know you feel the same. Alex needs a strong male role model in his life. I mean, Jesse, my brother-in-law, is great. They hang out sometimes and Alex loves him. I think you’re a better choice.”
“I’m glad you feel that way. Those are the best times. I love being around him and getting to know him.” I place my hand over my chest. “It’s the best feeling to be with both of you.”
Her eyes search my face. “I agree,” she whispers and continues to look at me. “Thank you for coming back into my life and for being the kind of man I want for Alex.”
I laugh. “You never have to thank me, Ashley. I’m going to be here and be here forever.”
“That sounds nice.”
“Alright, let’s get you home.”
The drive back to her house isn’t long. We’re quiet, and I sneak glances at her, watching the way she’s resting her head against the headrest, staring out the window.
My heart pounds when I pull into her driveway and turn off the ignition. Ashley sits up and turns to take off her seat belt. “Do you want to come in?”
“You want me to come in?”
“Just for a minute.”
“Sure. I can come inside for a minute.” I’m careful with my words and actions. I don’t want to do something and misconstrue her words.
I hop out of my car and open her door, letting her out and following her inside. She quietly shuts the door and leads me to the kitchen. When the lights flicker on, a drawing on the refrigerator gets my attention.
“Is this what you wanted to show me?”
“Yeah. It is. I thought you’d want to see it now. He did that today at camp.” She shifts side to side. “He wants a family, Clayton. How can we make that happen for him?”
I scan her face, trying to figure out what’s going on in her head. She’s scared, and I don’t blame her. I’m scared too.
“You aren’t the only one scared, baby. Being around you and Alex, hell, it’s one of the scariest things I’ve done.” I stare at her and continue talking. “I want to break down your walls and let you see how my love can heal us. I’m scared that nothing will convince you I’m a changed man.”
Ashley steps closer and places her hands on my chest. Tilting her head, she stares at me. “I’d like to try, but my heart still hurts being with you. As much as I want to jump in your arms and drag you into my bedroom, I’d like to take it slow.”
“We can do slow, baby. I’m here, and I’m not leaving.”
Ashley nods and places her forehead against my chest. “Don’t leave, Clayton. Please. You have no idea the damage you’ll cause if you leave. Alex won’t be the same. I won’t be the same.”
I place my hands on her waist and tear her away from my chest so we can look at each other. A tear slips down her cheek. “I’ve never stopped loving you, Ashley. I know that’s hard to believe, but one day you’re going to wake up and realize my love for you has only gotten stronger. When that day comes, I’ll be here with open arms. I’ll always be here by your side.”
“I need to show you something else. It’s in my bedroom.”
“Oh?”
She playfully slaps my arm. “Not like that. Don’t make it dirty.”
“Alright. Lead the way.”
We quietly walk down the hall, and when we’re in her bedroom, I shut the door and keep my distance, watching her walk to her dresser and pulling out a notebook.
A gasp leaves my mouth, and I’m trying to hold back the emotions. “Is that…”
“I’ve tried letting it go.” She holds the blue notebook against her chest. “I read it every now and then, and I felt your love from the pages. I don’t know what I’m doing anymore, and it’s confusing.”
I take the few steps so I could be near her. “Those words are still true to this day. I promise you, Ashley. I know it’s confusing, and I hate that you’re feeling this. I want to help you understand what’s going on because it’ll help me as well. Let’s work through it together.”
I stare down at the notebook we shared. All the words we wrote to one another. It holds our deepest desires. Our secrets. It holds the love we had for each other.
Shaking my head, I force myself to speak. “I’m sorry, Ashley.” Our eyes meet again. “I replay your pregnancy and how difficult it was, and I think about how I should’ve been there.” I place my hands on her face and wipe her tears. “I didn’t mean to kill your soul. Your heart and soul should be cherished, and I should’ve done a better job at taking care of you.”
“You’re here now.” She musters a smile. “That’s what’s important. We can take it slow, and yes, even though you let me walk away, I was the one who walked. Even though you didn’t respond to my letter, I should’ve done something else.”
“I’m just sorry you had to go through this alone. No more, though. I promise you. You won’t know what being alone feels like again because I’m here.”
“You’re here.”
I lean in and kiss her forehead. “Yes, baby.”
Chapter 25
Ashley
After the night in my room, something’s changed between us. We’re spending more time together and time as a family. Each time we’re together, it’s getting easier. I don’t feel the need to push him away and try to hold things in. We’re learning from one another again and maneuvering through this experience
.
Together.
Tonight, I’m working my first overnight in a while, so Clayton’s here to be with Alex. I could’ve had Alex go to Leigh’s with my mom, but I’m giving Clayton a chance. This is what we all need. Alex should spend more time with his dad and get to know him. If I’m taking a leap of faith, then I have to let down all my guards. As scared as I am, I know deep down, it’s the right thing to do.
Walking back into the kitchen, I watch Clayton cleaning up after the dinner we had. He told me to rest a little before I had to get up for work. A lightness in my chest settles, and peace surrounds me.
Alex’s mood is lighter, and the smile that I love so much is back on his face whenever Clayton is around. I want to make everyone happy.
I want to be happy.
“Tell me more about Alex. Tell me more about what you’re doing at work. I want to know everything,” Clayton says to me while I finish making my lunch for tonight’s shift.
I inhale deeply. Being around him, like this, feeling normal and like a family brings a smile to my face. I know we still have a long way, but in time, we’re going to get there.
“What do you want to know?”
“Everything. Tell me everything again. I don’t care if it’s something you’ve already told me. I can’t get enough of hearing about Alex.” He thumbs through the photo album, laughing at the picture of Alex on his first birthday. “I don’t want to miss any more moments.”