by S. Moose
“He spent the first few months in the NICU. I had a complicated pregnancy and birth. I lost a lot of blood and was in a coma. He fought for his life, and when I woke up, I missed the first month of his life, so I stayed in the NICU, next to him. Reading him stories and singing lullabies. After five months, I was able to bring him home. I couldn’t produce, um, because, um.”
“What is it?”
My back’s to Clayton, but I can feel his stare.
“I developed anorexia and couldn’t produce breast milk. It was hard to accept how I looked, so I thought not eating would work.” I finish making my sandwich and shut the baggie. “I know I’m not fat. After I had Alex, things didn’t go back to how it looked, and I jiggle.”
The sound of the chair scraping against the kitchen floor rings, and I feel Clayton’s breath on my neck.
“I don’t ever want to hear you say that. I know you’re thinking your body changed, and you’re scared about how I’ll feel. You’re beautiful. This body is beautiful.” He pauses and traces his fingers from my shoulders down to my arm and maneuvers to my belly. “Your body carried our son, and you gave him life.”
“Oh.” I breathe, feeling shivers rush across my skin.
“The sooner you forgive me and want to give us a second chance, the sooner I can enjoy your body again.”
I feel the heat in my cheeks and moisture between my thighs at his closeness and words. Damn my body for falling for his words. The more I try to fight the attraction, the harder he makes it, and I don’t know how much fight I have left.
“You smell nice, baby.”
The heat in my cheeks raises. “Thank you.”
“One of these nights, I’m going to take you out for dinner, and then we’re going to come back here so I can hold you in my arms.”
“Clayton.” I sigh, knowing what he wants to do. “We can’t do that.”
Who am I kidding? I want so badly to be with him intimately. I can’t bring myself to that level yet.
“All I want to do is hold you in my arms. That’s it. I swear.”
When I turn to face him, we’re inches apart. The grip on my waist tightens, and his eyes are hooded as he stares at me.
“This isn’t easy. You know that, right?”
Hesitantly I nod in agreement.
“I know you want this to be slow. There’s only so much a man can handle.”
“This isn’t a walk in the park for me either. I’m trying to trust you. Let’s go back into the kitchen because us standing in my bedroom isn’t making things easy.”
“Okay.” He brushes the hair from my face. “And where on the scale are you at?”
“Well, you’re here with Alex so I’m pretty sure my trust in you is on the higher side of the scale.”
“I like that.”
We head back to the kitchen and Clayton stands before me while we’re standing in silence. Neither of us moves.
“What are you guys doing?” A sleepy Alex walks into the kitchen and looks at both of us. “I need water.”
Clayton moves away slowly and turns to Alex. “Nothing, buddy. I’m helping Mom pack her lunch.”
“Oh. Cool.”
Satisfied with the answer, Clayton hands him some water, and he drinks it. Again, he looks at us, then he turns around and walks out of the kitchen. I let out the breath I’ve been holding, and soon, a laugh follows.
“What’s funny?”
“You lied to our son, and we’re acting like teenagers.” I lean against the counter and toss an apple between my hands. “Thanks for staying with him tonight. I appreciate it.”
“No problem. I’m not complaining, but where’s your mom?”
“She’s with Leigh. Going to spend time with her. Her boyfriend broke up with her and moved out so she’s feeling down. My mom thought it would be a good idea to spend a few nights with her.”
“Ah. Gotcha. So, overnight tonight? You going to be okay?”
I smile at his concern. “I’ll be fine. I’m used to working, and I don’t mind. I’ll get to see Marcy.”
“Who is that?”
“Marcy is Gina’s niece. She’s in the NICU and has been fighting for her life, but things are starting to look up, so it’s good. When I get the chance, I head down and see her and let Gina know how she’s doing, or I explain to Grant what’s going on.”
Clayton frowns. “Damn. Give Gina my best. I hope I’ll get to see her again. The last time we saw each other, she wanted to kill me. I don’t want that again. I miss her.”
When we were dating, Clayton and Gina became close so when we broke up, they broke up as friends.
“Yeah, I think so. She might want to punch you a few times, but I think it’ll be okay.”
“Alright.” He laughs. “Sounds like a plan. Anything you want me to do with Alex tonight?”
I grab the list from the counter and hand it to him.
“A list?”
I nod. “Yes. I’d appreciate it if you follow the instructions. Please be sure you play the song while he brushes his teeth.”
“Babe,” he groans and rubs his face with his hand. “Seriously? That song is lame.”
“I don’t care what you think. The song’s for Alex. Not you. Make sure you play it. Trust me.”
“Fine. You win. I’ll play the lame song.”
I roll my eyes and notice the time. “I have to get going. Are you sure you’ll be okay?”
“Yes. We’ll be fine. Have a good night at work.” Clayton reaches for my hand and squeezes it. “I promise he’ll be in good hands.”
Chapter 26
Clayton
Sitting on my son’s bed, I shut the book I read to him and notice his tired eyes.
If Ashely knew he woke up and we played for a few minutes, she’d probably kill me. I didn’t want to deny time with my son.
“We had fun tonight, didn’t we?”
“Yeah. I liked playing with the nerf guns with you. I beat you.” He laughs, and it’s the best sound. “Will you be here in the morning?”
“Of course, I will be.”
“Can you make us breakfast? I know Mom will try to, but she’s tired after work.”
“I’ll make whatever you want, son. Think about it and let me know in the morning. Are you all set?”
He nods. “Think so.” He yawns and holds the blanket to his chin. “I’m glad you’re back. I like having you around.”
“I like being here too. Thanks for giving me a chance to be your dad. Get to sleep. We’re a little past your bedtime, and I don’t want your mom to be upset, so be sure to keep this as our secret.”
“No problem. Good night, Dad.”
“Good night, son. I love you.”
Alex yawns again before saying, “I love you too.”
Sitting on his bed, watching him fall asleep, is a peace I’ve been looking for. Since being in Ashley’s life and meeting Alex, the dreams of the past have subsided, and I don’t feel the anxiousness from before. This is my family, and I’m going to make it my mission to ensure I’ll be able to put my son to bed every night and make him breakfast in the morning. No matter what. She’ll see this is where I belong and will take that second chance with me.
A few hours pass, and I get a text message on my phone.
Ashley: Thank you for the updates and pictures. Tonight has been really busy, and I finally get a chance to sneak away. How were things? Is Alex sleeping?
Clayton: Things have been great. Alex is a great kid and tonight was fun. Thank you for giving me this. The house is clean, and Alex is soundly sleeping. He’s been out for a few hours.
Ashley: That’s great. I’m glad we’re navigating through these unknown waters. I’m still nervous, if I can be honest.
Clayton: I appreciate your honesty. I’m nervous too. I think we can get through it together, and we will get through it together. Things will be good, Ashley. I believe in that.
Ashley: I’m trying. I mean, look at tonight. I left you with Alex, and I’m not f
reaking out too much.
Clayton: I know you’re freaking out, and you shouldn’t. Like I said, I got this, and things are going to be fine.
Ashley: Thank you again. I need to go back to work. I’ll see you in a few hours.
Clayton: Sounds good. Have a good night at work, baby.
After I send the message, I see the dots on my screen and wait for her response. The dots disappear for a moment and then reappear. Whatever she’s trying to send me is frustrating her. I smirk and set my phone down, too amused to watch my screen. I get up from the couch, grab another photo album from the bookcase and sit down, propping up against the pillows. I figure tonight I’ll sleep on the couch. As much as I’d love to be on her bed, I know when Alex wakes up, he’ll come in and see me, and it’ll cause too much confusion.
My phone vibrates, and it’s Ashley.
Ashley: You’re making me feel things again.
Clayton: That’s the plan.
I need to focus on a plan. Now she’s letting me stay with our son when she’s working. It’s a plus under me. I want to keep this going and do more. This plan needs to show her how serious I am. Ashley’s words play in my head.
“You’re going to hurt me again, and you’re going to hurt Alex.”
I don’t want her thinking that. Hurting Ashley and Alex would be the end of my life. I couldn’t think about doing that, and I won’t.
Flipping through the album, I take in each picture and imagine Alex’s life while growing up.
I made copies of the pictures from the album Ashley made me and sent it to my parents. They want to meet them but are waiting until I give them the okay. I need to make sure things are good on my end before getting my family involved.
Shifting around, so I’m lying on my side, I place the album down and turn off the television. My phone is under the pillow, so I’ll hear it when it vibrates. Within minutes, I’m asleep.
“Clayton?”
Slowly, I open my eyes and look at the time. “Shit.” I get up and look at Ashley. “Your couch is comfortable. Alex slept through the night, so I don’t want you to think I slept and wasn’t aware.”
“I know.”
As she sinks on the couch, my heart picks up a notch, and I’m appreciating the time we’re spending together and growing closer to her and our son.
“When did you get home?”
“A few minutes ago. It’s six in the morning, and I’m wiped.” I watch her lean against the couch. “I have to do this shift next week. It sucks.”
“I’m sorry. You know I can be here again with Alex. He’s a great kid. Funny as hell.” I laugh, remembering the jokes he told me. “Definitely didn’t get the funny side from me.”
“Me, either.” She laughs, and I lean back so our shoulders are touching. I place my hand on her thigh. “Are you sure you’re okay?”
I sigh and make small circles with my fingers on her leg. “Yeah. I’m good. Today isn’t too bad at work, and if I need to work late, it’s not a big deal. I’m used not to leaving the office until late anyway.”
“I feel bad…”
I interrupt her. “Don’t feel bad. I’m here if you need anything.”
She looks at me, and I can see the confusion in her eyes.
“What’s going on? Talk to me.”
“I like seeing you here. Please don’t sleep on the couch again when you’re here. You can sleep in my bedroom. I like the idea of us being in bed together and you holding me.”
I squeeze her thigh and lean over, brushing my lips against her cheek. “I’d have to agree with you. If that’s okay with you, I’d love to be here every time you work overnight, and I’ll fall asleep on your bed.”
It feels right to talk to her about what’s going on between us. I feel it, and I know she feels it too. We’ve been getting closer, getting to know one another, and Alex is bringing us closer together as well. Gathering my courage, I pull her hand in mine.
“You told me slow, and I’m trying to respect your wishes.”
“I know you are, and I appreciate that.”
“I feel like there’s more you want to say. More you want to tell me.” I tell her and wait for her to respond.
Ashley looks away so I pull her face back to mine.
“It was always here between us. We got lost for a while, but now we’re here. I’m here with you.”
I watch Ashley get up and give me a small smile before turning down the hall toward her bedroom.
“Follow me, Clayton. Come lay down with me.”
Without a second passing, I get up, and we go into her bedroom. She goes to her dresser and pulls out a shirt.
“I take a shower at work before I leave, in case you’re wondering.”
“No.” I laugh, continuing to watch her. My nerves are building as I watch her take off her scrubs and put on the oversized shirt. “You look beautiful.”
“I just worked a horrendous shift. I look awful.”
“No.” I shake my head. “You don’t.”
When she climbs into bed, I follow suit and bring her body close to mine.
“I have my alarm set, so if I don’t wake up, can you?”
I nod my head against her neck. “Of course. Do you want me to take Alex to camp?”
“If you can. Please.”
“Of course. Sleep, baby.”
Chapter 27
Ashley
“Be real with me. I need your brutal honesty.”
Leigh smiles and takes her glass of wine. “You know I’ll do that for you. What’s up?
“I’m falling so hard for him again. I’ve never gotten over him, but I buried the love I had for him. Now he’s here. He’s been here. Alex is so over the moon for him, and my heart is aching to be with him. I think I’m going to tell him I want us to be an us again.”
“I am so happy for you, Ashley. You both deserve to be happy, and Alex deserves to see that happiness too.” Leigh immediately answers. “Mom told us how he’s been with you and Alex, and she sees the bonds forming. I think you’ve been through a lot, but you need to give your heart a break. You need to let love in and let love grow. Stop punishing him for making a mistake. Yes, I know, what he did was horrible, but he’s been trying to make up for it.”
I listen to what Leigh’s saying, and I agree with what I’m hearing. It’s true. Clayton’s doing everything he can to make things right, but I’m making it harder and making him jump through hoops. The start of us will be great. I trust him, and I know this second time around will be everything we want. Everything we hope for.
Is he trying his best to make up for his mistakes? Yes, he is.
I sigh and take a sip of my wine. “I’m so scared.”
“I know you are, babe. Life is all about taking chances and letting love back into your life. This is your second chance. Alex is older, and he’s seeing his father in a light he’s never seen before. I think if you can push aside how hurt you are, you’ll see the beauty behind his attempts.”
“You’re right. I will.” Words race through my mind as I try to think of what I want to say to him. “Of course, I love him. The only problem is I don’t know how I can bring myself to that level of trust and wanting to do more with him. Wanting him to be there all the time.”
Leigh listens while holding her glass of wine. “I hear you. I think you need to let go of your sadness and anger. You’re carrying this weight on your shoulders, and I need you to let it go. Let the pieces of the puzzle fit together. You’re trying so hard to piece everything, and it’s going to drive you crazy. It’s going to make you overthink and overanalyze. You need to let go and live.”
A rush of guilt washes over me, knowing I’m keeping Clayton at a safe distance. The time we’re spending together is making me see how he’s sincere and wants us to be a family. Thinking about Alex and how close he’s getting to Clayton warms my heart but makes me cautious. A tear leaks from my eye, thinking about how much Alex loves his dad. I want to protect him from any hurt in this world.
I want to prevent something from happening.
Is it all in my head?
“What’s on your mind?”
“Just thinking about how Alex and Clayton have been together.” I pause. “I know I shouldn’t compare my experience with Clayton to Alex’s experience. Deep in my heart, I know Clayton will be an amazing dad and give Alex the dad he wants.”
“I hear you about that. I think you have to make a choice – you can trust Clayton and be stress free about this, or you can have these walls surrounding the both of you and feel like the world will swallow you both.”
What Leigh’s saying makes sense. I need to try as hard as Clayton’s trying. I can see it when he’s here, and I can tell when Alex’s face beams with light while he talks about him.
“Stop overthinking.”
I blow out a breath. “Yeah, I know. I’m trying not to. I can do this. Alex is happy, and Clayton hasn’t done anything to make me think otherwise.”
“There you go. I trust him.”
“I do too,” I whisper and finish my wine.
The next morning, I get Alex ready, and we head to the park. While I’m getting him in the car, he looks at me, and I feel as though he’s holding back a question.
“Is there something you want to ask me, honey?”
“Well,” he says nervously, “I think I lied to Dad.”
“Oh? Why do you think you lied?”
He looks around, avoiding my question, and it makes me wonder what a five-year-old could possibly lie about.
“I told him you were busy, but you wanted me to ask him to meet us at the park today.”
“That’s okay, Alex. I appreciate you telling me the truth. Next time, let me know before you do something.” I don’t want to show him I’m upset. These are the times I look forward to – just us. Lately, he’s been talking about Clayton and how cool he is or how excited he is to spend time with him. I’m not jealous or anything.
Well, maybe a little.