Fortune's Wheel

by Lisanne Norman

  Kusac left her to it and went for his shower. As he passed through their bedroom, he saw Carrie was stillasleep. He stopped to check on her, finding that the blood transfusion was finished and her color hadimproved. She no longer looked like she was at death's door. He gave an involuntary shudder, aware ofhow close to death she had come. Trying not to disturb her, he reached out to touch her face, needing tomake sure she was really there and alive before going into the bathroom.

  Once in the shower, he had the grisly task of washing her blood and his out of his fur. A good portion ofthe left side of his body, from shoulder to knee, was stiff with blood and the water ran red for severalminutes as he worked his mat-ted fur loose. The last moments of the fight when his fear had triggered thegestalt Link forced themselves through his mind again, and he leaned against the cubical wall while guiltand grief finally caught up with him.

  He was aware of nothing until a hand touched his shoul-der from behind. Startled, he turned round and,blinking through the spray of water, saw Carrie. The color was drain-ing from her face as slowly, despiteher grip on the shower door, she slipped down to the floor. Jumping out, he grabbed her around thewaist and lifted her to her feet before care-fully swinging her into his arms. Shaking his head to clear hisvision, he ignored the water he was dripping everywhere and carried her back to the bedroom.

  "What in Vartra's name do you think you're doing?" he demanded, trying to put her back into the bed.

  She clung to him, refusing to be put down. Her weight was pulling on his injured shoulder and finally hesat on the bed himself, holding her on his knee.

  "I'm getting everything wet," he said reproachfully, look-ing at the water spreading from him onto the bed

  and soak-ing her lightweight sleeping tunic.

  "I felt you," she said, tears beginning to roll down her cheeks. "You mustn't blame yourself, Kusac," she said, the fingers of her good arm clutching the fur on his back. "I was just as terrified. It could just as easily have been my fear that triggered the gestalt. We'll never know for sure."

  He held her closer, resting his head on hers. "You mustn't cry, Carrie. I thought you were asleep or I'dnever have let myself get upset. I'm sorry, Leska."

  "She was so beautiful, Kusac, so tiny and beautiful. It wasn't hard to love her," she sobbed. "I wanted her

  then."

  "You saw our cub?"

  "I asked Vanna this morning. I couldn't bear to have never seen her."

  Kusac picked up the image, Carrie's grief amplifying his own.

  "We mustn't, Carrie," he whispered gently, trying to con-trol their emotions. "She's gone. We'll have to let

  the grief go, too. I know you wanted her, I could feel it in you. You were just afraid."

  "I want my baby back, Kusac," she wept, burying herself against the damp fur on his chest.

  Kusac heard die door open behind him and it was with re-lief that he sensed Vanna coming in.

  "Hush," he said, holding her tighter and rocking her gently, trying not to let her utter sense of loss

  dominate him, too."

  Vanna came round to his side, applying the hypoderm to Carrie's right arm where it was wrapped around

  Kusac's waist.

  "Just a mild sedative," she said quietly as Carrie's sobs slowly decreased. "You'll be able to put her back

  on the bed now."

  Kusac could already feel her drifting off to sleep. Getting up, he turned and carefully laid her down on thedry side of the bed, pulling the covers over her.

  "I don't know how long she'll grieve like this," Vanna re-plied to Kusac's unspoken thought. "With us, the body goes into a state of rest for what would be the remainder of the pregnancy, but Terrans can apparently conceive again shortly afterward. According to Jack's data, they also brood more over other people's cubs until they either have a full-term pregnancy or their hormone levels return to normal. But us," she sighed, "we're almost that new race, neither Terran nor Sholan. There is no one who knows what will happen. She could come to terms with it tomorrow, or still be desperately wanting a cub next

  month."

  "The solution is with us, then," he said, checking to make sure she was asleep before following Vanna

  back to the lounge.

  "I wouldn't come out here like that," she said with a faint grin. "You're still dripping wet."

  Kusac looked down at the floor. There were wet footprints all across the carpet and a small puddle wasdeveloping around him.

  "Go and finish your shower," she said. "Carrie will sleep for a couple of hours and it's what she needs most at the mo-ment. I'll give her something to help cope with the grief when she wakes. Not drugs, something more natural."

  * * *

  "Carrie's not up to attending the funeral, Kusac. Be rea-sonable," his mother said. "She's not even had a

  full day to come to terms with her loss."

  "I am being reasonable, Mother. The funeral will release Carrie from her grief because she'll see our cub is dead. She needs to let go of her, put her to rest. She can't do that while she knows her child lies in the

  shrine."

  "This argument has gone on long enough," said Konis. "See what Vanna has to say."

  When Vanna joined them, surprisingly she shared Kusac's view. "I agree with Kusac. Granted she's stillextremely weak, but she does need to start coming to terms with the death of her cub so that the healingprocess can start."

  "I'll contact Ghyan, then," said Kusac, going over to the comm unit.

  It was mid-afternoon when Ghyan arrived. The tiny fu-neral pyre had been laid at the front of the house,not far from the newly-planted flower bed. A chair had been brought out for Carrie to use and Kusachad carried her downstairs and settled her in it.

  The gathering was small, only their immediate family plus a representative from the estate. Silent tearsstole down Carrie's face as she held on tightly to Kusac's hand. She didn't hear a word that Ghyan said. When it came time to light the bier, she roused, rubbing her hand across her face and demanding that shedo it.

  She struggled one-handedly to get up, pushing Kusac's re-straining hand away. "I'm doing it!" she saidfiercely.

  "Then let me carry you over," he said quietly. "You can lean on me while you light it."

  She nodded and he lifted her up, carrying her over to the bier. He set her down, holding her waist whileshe tried to get her balance without putting any weight on her injured leg. The effort it took for her evento be downstairs was tell-ing on her face.

  I'll manage , she sent, knowing she didn't even have the energy to hide her pain from him.

  His mother handed her the torch. She's not strong enough for this. You're pushing her too hard.

  There was censure in her mental tone.

  / have to do it, Rhyasha, Carrie replied on their private Link, rendering them both speechless. She

  clutched the torch, finding it too heavy for her to hold up. "Help me, Kusac," she said, looking up at him.

  His dark-furred hand closed around hers and together, us-ing his strength, they lifted their torch andthrust it into the heart of the pyre. The flames licked upward, almost invisible in the strong sunlight as theycradled the tiny body in their midst.

  Kusac picked her up again, stepping back from the bier so his parents could place their torches. As theydid, Carrie felt the presence of Rhyasha's mind at the edge of hers. Konis' followed, to be joined by Taizia and Kitra.

  The keening started then, as low as the sighing of a breeze through the trees. As it grew in volume, shebecame aware of the dozens of minds that hesitantly touched theirs at the edges of perception.

  Tears were rolling down Rhyasha's cheeks as she leaned forward to touch Carrie's face. It's the tributeof the Clan, Carrie. They're sharing your grief, hoping to lessen it by their presence. I've onlyexperienced it once before. They're telling you that you're part of our Clan.

  Carrie lay back against Kusac, resting her head against him. She could feel the rise and fall of his chest,the smell o
f his fur and the feel of his arms enfolding and protecting her. She closed her eyes.

  "What is a Leska?" she'd asked.

  "It has to do with our merging," he'd replied. " We are as one

  —Leskas to each other. Now

  sleep."

  It had been so long ago—a world away and a lifetime in the past. She was tired, so very tired, and criedout of tears. He was right, sleep was what she needed. She relaxed, let-ting herself drift, feeling warmand comfortable in his arms.

  She was jolted out of this warm haze as feral eyes, black as night with only the narrowest amber ringglittered down at her.

  'Wo. You chose to stay!"

  She moaned, eyes flicking open as the pain of loss re-turned. Kusac tilted her back in his arms, loweringhis face to hers, his eyes as dark as she'd remembered. His mouth closed on hers, his kiss both franticand compelling.

  You promised to stay with me, he sent fiercely. Don't you dare try and slip away from me again!

  Gods, Carrie, I can't bring her back, but I'll give you as many cubs as you want!

  He released her as she started to cry again. This time the grief seemed to come from deep within her. Sheclung to him as he carried her back into the house and up to their room.

  Gradually the hurt began to diminish and she realized that she could still sense the Clan—worried andconcerned about one of their own—hovering at the edges of her mind. Satis-fied that all would now bewell, their presence faded, leav-ing the Leskas alone.

  She looked around the room at the anxious faces of her family and realized at last that she had comehome. At the back of the room stood Kaid, and in his eyes and mind she saw approbation.

  Vanna pushed past Konis and turned to shoo them all out. "Carrie needs to rest now," she said firmly asthey began to leave. "You, too," she said to Kusac.

  "No, I want him to stay," Carrie said.

  "I want you to rest, cub. You'll heal faster if you do."

  "I'll rest better knowing he's beside me."

  Vanna sighed. "You're as bad as each other," she grum-bled as she and Chena settled Carrie back intobed. "You can stay," she said to Kusac, "but only if you persuade her to sleep."

  "We'll both sleep," he said, lying down on top of the bed beside Carrie. He curled himself round behind her, carefully stretching his injured arm across her body to hold her hand. His tail flicked protectively across her legs. Sleep, before Vanna scolds us both, he sent as he gently nuzzled the back of her neck.

  By evening, Carrie was more like herself, still subdued and saddened but no longer broadcasting aterrible sense of loss.

  As Kusac sat beside her and took her hand, he felt a fa-miliar flare of desire that he swiftly blocked,annoyed with himself for responding to the demands of their Link rather than the needs of his Leska,especially when there was no similar response from her. He remained with her for some time before shefinally persuaded him to go and eat with his family.

  While Vanna changed her dressings, Carrie was aware that her friend was preoccupied and she gentlyprobed to find the underlying cause. What she discovered gave her cause to think.

  Her task completed, Vanna said good night and went off duty, leaving Chena to hand Carrie the lightmeal that had been brought up to the bedroom for her.

  She toyed with the food, eating about half before she knew Kusac was on his way back upstairs. Shehanded the tray to Chena.

  "I've had enough," she said, moving restlessly. "My leg and arm hurt and I can't get comfortable. Can you give me something to help me sleep? Something stronger than I had this morning so I don't wake up during the night."

  Chena put the tray on the chest at the end of the bed and went over to the dresser where Vanna kept

  Carrie's chart and drugs. She checked the chart, then picked up one of the bot-tles.

  "No problem," she said, coming back over to her and pouring her a glass of water. "This should help

  you," she said.

  Carrie smiled her thanks, taking the tablets and washing them down with the water. She returned theglass and let Chena settle her more comfortably.

  Kusac came in, a book in his hands. "I thought I'd read to you," he said, making himself comfortable onthe bed be-side her.

  Chena went out, gently closing the door.

  "What a nice thought," Carrie said. "I'm afraid I've just taken a sleeping pill, though. Perhaps tomorrow?"

  "AU right," he agreed, putting the book aside. "I'll just talk to you till you fall asleep." Already he could

  sense her mind becoming fuzzy.

  "I didn't know they worked so quickly," she agreed sleep-ily. "I'd like you to talk to Vanna, Kusac. She's

  troubled at the moment and I think you could help each other."

  Kusac frowned. "Troubled? How?"

  She's unhappy. Go and talk to her. She was beginning to drift into sleep.

  All right, but how can she help me? I don't understand what you mean, he replied, concerned.

  Go and see her, she sent, waving him away with a limp hand. She's in the garden.

  Kusac sighed, leaning over to kiss her on the forehead. "I'll go. Sleep well."

  She murmured good night as he left the room.

  Kusac headed downstairs, reaching out mentally to locate Vanna. As Carrie had said, she was in thegarden, sitting on the bench. As he came between the high hedges, Vanna looked up, startled to see him.

  "Is something wrong?" she asked, concern on her face.

  "Not with Carrie," he replied. "She wanted me to come and see you."

  "Me? Whatever for?"

  Kusac sat down beside her. "She said you needed to talk to me."

  A frown creased Vanna's nose. "I don't know where she got that idea from," she said, beginning to lookuncomfort-able.

  "Is Brynne with someone just now?" he asked abruptly.

  "Yes, but what has…"

  "Carrie's been picking you up," he said angrily, "and doing a little probing on her own account. I'm sorry.

  She had no justification for prying, and no right to ask me to speak to you at this time."

  He put a sympathetic hand on her shoulder, only to snatch it back as the sudden shock of their physicalcontact jolted through him, so highly sexually charged were they to their separate partners.

  "We've been set up by Carrie, Vanna," he said grimly, try-ing to sense his Leska. He could feel her faint

  presence but before he could let her know how angry he was, she was sending to him.

  You and Vanna both need someone now, came the very faint thought. What better way to show herthat what she has with Brynne is better than anything you two could have, than to spend the nightwith her? It will also make Brynne more careful of her.

  Kusac's reply was a white hot fury of rage. / won't be used, Carrie !

  You're making an exchange. Your need for hers. The thought faded as she drifted beyond him intosleep.

  "What is it? What's happened?" demanded Vanna, grab-bing him by the arm and triggering the same

  response again. It left neither of them with any illusions about their present physical or mental state.

  "Carrie got Chena to drug her up, then sent me to you, knowing that Brynne was with another female," he said an-grily. "She must have sensed me earlier this evening. She's throwing us together. I apologize for her, Vanna. Good night." He got up and turned to leave.

  Again Vanna grasped him by the arm, this time refusing to let go when the reaction surged through her.

  "Wait," she said, her ears flattening. "Why not, if Carrie's willing?"

  "It would be a mistake, Vanna. What about Brynne?"

  "What about him? If he can go off with another female, then I'm free to please myself. But I don't

  understand why Carrie would do this. Terrans don't have our attitude toward pairings."

  "Her attitudes are becoming more Sholan," he said slowly, thinking over what Carrie had actually said and realizing there was some sense to it. He tried to block the resonance building between him and Vanna
, but found it almost impos-sible to ignore.

  He turned. "It's too easy for emotions to get involved, Vanna, especially for you."

  "I know. If you stay, I realize it's only because Carrie's ill." She was projecting so much hope that mentally he backed away, wondering if Carrie's plan could possibly work. His need for hers though: it was the Sholan way. Be-fore he'd met Carrie he wouldn't have thought twice about it.

  "Come with me, then," he said decisively.

  "Where are we going?" she asked as he took her arm and led her into the darkness.

  "Away from the house," he replied, waiting a moment for his eyes to adjust to the night. As they made their way through the shrubland and across the fields Kusac sensed several of the watchers including T'Chebbi. He reached again for Carrie, but she remained deeply asleep.

  At length, a barn loomed in the near distance and he headed toward it.

  "A barn!" said Vanna, slightly aghast as she realized where they were going.

  "Yes. It was the regular meeting place for couples when I was young." He grinned, his teeth a flash of

  white in the dark. "I only went there a couple of times myself, but r know Taizia uses it fairly often."

  He felt her slow down. "It's all right," he reassured her. "There's no one there, and we won't bedisturbed." He pushed the door open, standing back for her to enter first.

  "A barn with well oiled hinges," she murmured, shaking her head as she looked around.

  Kusac moved toward the few bales of last year's straw that were piled in the far corner. He scrambledon top of them and crouching down, held out his hand to Vanna.

  "It hasn't changed," he said, pulling her up and steadying her.

  She stumbled, swaying for a moment before she lost her balance. With a sharp cry of fright, she wentcrashing down onto the straw on the lower level behind them, dragging Kusac along with her.