Grand Theft Planetary & other stories
Page 8
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Bud and Rufus’s compact and modern flat offered a commanding view of the small-but-prosperous riverside community, nestled deep within the confines of a narrow valley. Whatever the year or weather, the neighbourhood was usually peaceful - but not tonight. On the narrow balcony, Bud took another drag on his cigar and counted the number of police lights flashing in the darkness. Below, some drunk mourners had vacated the safety of the pub and were shouting loudly at everyone and everything in sight, clearly upset by the reappearance of “Streaker Rufus”. From his overhead vantage point, Bud considered throwing a glass at them just to keep things interesting.
The front door opened and Rufus crept in. “What’s it looking like out there?” he whispered as he got dressed again.
"Complete panic. You fooled the police helicopter by pretending to jump into the river, but how did you manage to escape the two policemen on foot?”
"A couple was having sex behind the bins,” Rufus replied, “and the policemen stopped to watch.”
Bud flicked his cigar off the balcony and shut the doors, muting the commotion outside. "Mazeltov!"
Rufus's phone beeped as he balanced the moose back on his head. “Oh no. Sarah’s coming round with some friends. ”
"Shall I get your red pen?" Bud asked.
"No Bud. Definitely not a red pen moment. She’s less-than-pleased about the whole fake condoms and STD revelation, so she's bringing some of her tough manly friends round here to do me in."
Bud winked. "I never knew you were into that."
"Will you stop with the sex jokes? They are coming round to kill me!" He downed a shot of vodka. “What do I do?”
Bud scratched his nose. “As far as I can see, you have two choices. One, I call Sarah and tell her that it was me playing a joke on your phone.”
“Hey – yeah! That’ll work!” He relaxed visibly. “Thank you so much! You are such a good friend!” He offered Bud his phone.
“Don’t celebrate yet,” continued Bud, “The dares you’ve performed tonight are my prizes for winning our poker games, and so I’d be losing my winnings by pretending to Sarah that it was all a massive joke. So in return for this loss of earnings, I’d be willing to accept the deletion of your online accounts instead.” Bud casually flipped a coin, gangster-like. “The disruption from your online death would be on-par with the chaos caused by the dares. That seems fair.”
“Umm…” Rufus’s drunken mind struggled. “What’s the second choice?”
“The second choice is to simply open the door to Sarah’s friends when they get here, and accept the beating.”
“I see. Either sacrifice my online life, or my physical one.” Rufus mulled it over for a couple of minutes, and then finally sighed in defeat. “There’s really no choice, is there?”