Balloon Boy and the Porcupine Pals: Antihooliganism

by Mort Gloss

  ****

  "Slave!" hissed Rita, "you're going the wrong way. Follow me." Tom and Rita fumbled through the darkness, trying to navigate their way out of the Dome of the Beloved. Rita held the ball of power close, her other hand gripping a taserbeam.

  "I heard something," whispered Tom, trying to avoid detection from any lingering guards. "It sounded like taserbeam blasts; two of them."

  "It could be anything," she answered. "We must follow the Lord Protector's instructions. They have not failed us thus far."

  "There's a light over there," said Tom, squinting as he looked to the right. "We gotta see what's going on."

  "Are all men from your planet disobedient ignoramuses?"

  "Pretty much."

  Tom led the way toward the faint light, crouching low and taking soft steps. Rita followed close behind, still clutching the Protective Essence while keeping watch for enemy soldiers.

  "And if the Lord Protector is in danger? You purport to assist His Greatness?"

  "I'm not completely worthless," answered Tom, turning around and giving Rita a smile. "Not completely."

  "I will admit that, at times, you exhibit above-average abilities," responded Rita, "for a half-wit slave that is."

  "Well thanks."

  Tom and Rita continued their covert march toward the light. Just as the two were getting close, they were startled by the loud hiss of engines.

  "What is that?" yelled Tom above the noise.

  "It is the ascension of a landing vessel."

  "Let's go. We're almost there." With cover of sound, Tom abandoned his quiet steps and broke into full stride. Rita followed close behind. The two burst into the lit room, taserbeams raised and ready for anything. However, instead of enemies, they only saw two individuals: Russ, lying flat on his back in apparent unconsciousness, and Balloon, staring blankly into the night sky through the spacecraft portal in the ceiling.

  "What happened?" screamed Tom, running to Russ' side, "did he get shot?"

  Balloon didn't respond, his expression remaining the same as he continued his gaze through the landing portal.

  Tom crouched down and frantically examined Russ, trying to determine his area of injury. "Rita," he pled, "can you help him?"

  "Look to his forehead; it appears he has sustained a taserbeam blast at short range," came her calm response. She knelt down and put her hand on Russ' chest. "Nevertheless, his heart continues to function, and he is breathing in an appropriate manner."

  "So he's not dead," said Tom, seeking some reassurance.

  "Not yet," answered Rita.

  Before Tom could ask any more questions, Russ slowly sat up, opened his eyes, and let out a painful moan. "Oh man," he muttered, "I've got the worst headache of my life."

  "What happened?" asked Tom.

  "I got shot in the head by some jerk. It totally sucked."

  "And what of our Lord Protector? What has happened to him?" inquired Rita. Balloon continued to stare blankly into the night sky, seemingly oblivious to everything they said.

  "He took a taserbeam to the gut, but I don't think that's what's bothering him," answered Russ. And then, lowering his voice to a whisper, Russ added. "Victory left."

  "What do you mean, 'left?'" asked Tom, neglecting to keep his voice quiet.

  "She didna left nothin'," said Balloon in a monotone, sullen voice. "She were taken!" he added, yelling and pointing to the starry sky. He buried his head into his hands and began to sob.

  There was an awkward silence as Balloon's body heaved from crying.

  "Well it could be worse," said Tom, standing up from Russ' side, "she could still be here."

  Balloon shot him a menacing look as he rose to his feet. "They done took her away from me!" he shouted again, pointing up to the sky. "And I'ma gonna git her back!"

  Tom was about to respond, but both Rita and Russ quietly cautioned him not to speak.

  "It don't matter where she is, er where they's gonna take her. I'ma gonna git her back," said Balloon. And then, turning to Tom, "'n I don't care 'bout a word y'all say. Not one word, Tommy! She means everthang to me!"

  With that he took one last look at the starry sky, pulled his pants up while sniffing loudly, and walked toward the exit of the landing platform.

  Tom, Rita, and Russ watched him leave the room.

  "So now what?" asked Tom, once Balloon was gone.

  "Well I think we better follow him," said Russ. "He's liable to get himself hurt if he goes it alone."

  "Agreed," said Tom. "Plus, he's our ride."

  "Do not doubt him, my skinny friends," said Rita. "It is known that our Lord Protector will face adversity, and that he will ultimately prevail."

  "Well, that hasn't quite been the case so far, Rita," said Russ.

  "Really? Then how do you explain our recovery of the Protective Essence?" responded Rita.

  Russ did a double-take, noticing the perfectly round sphere in her arms for the first time.

  Tom laughed. "Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you. We got ourselves a ball o' power."