Cowboy Summer

by Joanne Kennedy

  So she’d moved on to wanting Hawaii, a life on a beach. But she had a feeling that wouldn’t make her happy either. She could spend the rest of her life seeking happiness in work, in travel, in success, and never find it. And now she knew why.

  Cowboy was her culture, and that meant money was for paying the bills, not impressing the neighbors. It meant your morning routine was in a barn, not a coffee shop, and your nightly soundtrack was played by night birds and crickets, not cars and trucks. It meant you worked under the open sky, not a drop ceiling, and the sun ruled your day instead of flickering fluorescent lights.

  Most of all, it meant that love mattered more than any riches in the world. The love of family, of neighbors, of a hometown so small, everyone knew your business, and the love of a good man, one who was a true partner rather than a piece of arm candy or a hot date dressed to impress. Cade’s thoughts might be focused on bovine bloodlines and equine equanimity, but he was as smart as any of the stockbrokers and bankers she had met, and his heart was capable of a love so great, it had dominated her life from the time she was a girl.

  She’d never be as pure of heart as Cade. She could be petty and argumentative, demanding and impetuous. But she loved him back. She always had.

  It was time to apologize for all she’d put him through. More important, it was time to tell him yes and pray he’d still want her in spite of it all.

  Then it would be time to tell her boss, who’d been so patient with her long absence, that she was staying here, at home, in the world where she’d always truly belonged. At least Treena would be happy.

  And so would Jess—at last.

  Chapter 49

  Cade was leading Redline to the round ring for one more ride when the hum of an engine cut through the still air. Soothing the mare as she shifted and balked, he shaded his eyes with one hand to see who was coming.

  Little red car.

  Jess.

  Third chance?

  He felt his internal optimist perk up and slapped it down. How many times was he willing to torture himself? The slightest thought of Jess could still make his heart burn high and bright—and that was why he needed to let her go.

  He’d known this moment might come, and he’d figured out how to handle it in a way that was right for him and best for her as well. He’d show her he was moving on without casting blame. He’d hide his pain and swallow any last-ditch pleas his foolish heart coughed up.

  It was the last gift he could offer and the hardest to give. But he was ready.

  She slipped from the low car and stood tall, all long legs and loveliness, with her wild curls tumbling in the breeze. His heart turned over, groaned once, and died. How could he think he’d ever get over her? Saying goodbye felt like losing a limb. But he’d be damned if he’d show it.

  She looked around the ranch, and he wondered what she was seeing. All his hard work, the improvements he’d made? Or the gaping difference between his simple old house and the elaborate Diamond Jack? Pretending he didn’t care, he plucked a blade from the tall grass growing by the fence and let it dangle from his lips like James Dean’s cigarette. Beside him, the mare bumped his shoulder.

  “What’s up?” he asked.

  “Not much. What’s up with you?” She smiled, and his heart battered his chest like an animal that wanted out of its cage. “Dad said you found a home for those two geldings of his. He wanted me to thank you for him. So, um, thanks.”

  She seemed strangely shy, and no wonder. She was probably afraid he’d try to start things up again.

  God knew he wanted to. He wanted to haul her close and kiss her senseless, but that wasn’t what she wanted, and he’d never been the kind of man to press himself on a woman.

  Setting his face in firm, neutral lines, he nodded. “No problem. They were the last ones. Well, besides Redline.” He tilted his head toward the mare. “I’m putting the last ride on her right now. Then she’ll go back to your dad, and I’m off to California.”

  “Redline?” She laughed. Last time Jess had seen the horse, it had been hopping around like a kid on a trampoline. “Good name. Try not to get yourself killed, okay?”

  The sun was setting behind him, lighting her face with late afternoon light, turning her curls to burnished gold. Cade’s heart ached, swelling his throat nearly closed.

  “Wait.” She squinted, confused. “Did you say California?”

  “Yep.” He looked away, faking absorption in the sunset. “Got a job with John Baker.”

  “A job?” She stilled, staring at him wide-eyed. “The John Baker?”

  This was the one part of saying goodbye he’d been looking forward to. The offer from Baker was hard, cold proof of his success, and it felt good to leave her with that big, fine feather waving in his cap—even if he was dying inside.

  “He’s looking for new clinicians,” Cade said. “I’ll be working with him over the winter, getting up to speed on his techniques. Then I’ll hit the road, travel to different ranches and fairs all around the country, running clinics.”

  “Wow.” She rocked back on her heels, clearly stunned by his news.

  “You’re probably heading out soon, too, right?” The ache in his throat threatened to strangle him, but he swallowed it down, busying himself with the horse, patting her neck and fussing with her mane. “Good luck with that promotion.”

  “What? No. Wait.” She shook her head. “You’re leaving? Just like that? What about your horses?”

  “I’ve got most off ’em finished. Rehomed those strays, and Pride’ll go with me. Boogy, too.”

  “John Baker’s letting you bring Boogy?” The faintest hint of a smile quirked her lips. “Did you warn him?”

  He grinned. “I told him about the cow chasing, but the killer farts’ll be a surprise.”

  Jess huffed out a little laugh, but it didn’t sound happy. “How long are you going to be gone?”

  “Six months, a year.” He gathered Redline’s reins in his hands and headed for the round ring. “Maybe for good, if things work out.”

  Jess followed. “Won’t you miss this place? Won’t you be, I don’t know, sad?”

  Sad. Was she clueless or what? Of course he was sad.

  “Cade?”

  Her voice sounded hoarse, and he wanted to turn, to see if she was sorry, to see if he had one more chance left. But he’d vowed to let her go, and he would.

  “I won’t miss it.” He opened the door to the pen and turned, looking hard into her eyes as if on a dare. Looking but not seeing, his heart locked tight in an iron cage. “The place is full of ghosts. You had the right idea when you left this town.”

  “I’m not so sure of that. I was thinking…” She glanced at his face, but he kept a mask in place, impassive. Her gaze flicked back and forth, and he knew she was searching for the old Cade, the one she knew. The one who loved her and couldn’t leave her.

  That Cade was still inside him, but he wouldn’t let him out. Not ever again. He didn’t smile, didn’t soften, just clutched the reins tighter and prayed the horse wouldn’t give him away. It was a mark of her training that she held firm, shifting quietly beside him, ignoring the emotions coursing through the air.

  “Won’t you miss anything?” Jess asked.

  You. I’ll miss you.

  He looked down, gnawing on the inside of his cheek, searching for something safe to say. He and Jess had danced a little too long, stepping in, stepping out, coming together, and spinning apart. Lately, they’d been stumbling around, stomping on each other’s feet, and falling around the dance floor. He didn’t want to be cruel, but he needed to end this, firm and hard.

  “There’s nothing I’ll miss.” Meeting her eyes squarely, he pulled the grass stem from his mouth and tossed it to the ground. “I’m through with this place.”

  “Okay.” She stood motionless in the drive, looking stunned.
>
  He wanted to run to her, swear he wouldn’t go, beg her to go with him, something. Anything. Instead, he looked away, fooling with the gate.

  “Wow.” She folded her arms over her chest and beamed. “Congratulations. That’s awesome. I know you’ll do well.”

  “Hope so.”

  “Baker doesn’t know how lucky he is,” she said. “You’re one of the best. Wasted here, really.”

  “Thanks.” All this time, he’d waited to hear her surprise, her praise. And now, it was the last thing he wanted. That bright smile cut like the blade of a knife. “I’d better get to work.”

  “Okay. Well.” She paused. “See you.”

  “Yep.”

  Leading the horse into the round pen, he closed the gate and let her go.

  He heard Jess’s boots crunching over the gravel. The sound faded toward the Miata, and the little car’s engine roared to life.

  A cloud of dust rose from the spinning tires, floating over the round pen like the ghost of summers past. Cade leaned against the rough wooden panels and watched it drift away. It was carrying his old life, his old self, letting it vanish with the wind. That’s what he had to believe.

  When the cloud cleared and the sound of her engine faded away, he took a deep breath and bent at the waist, holding his head in his hands. He struggled to calm himself for the horse’s sake and for Jess’s, too. Collapsing against the pen’s rough wooden walls, he slid to the ground and drew in one ragged breath, then another.

  The horse walked over and stretched her neck to huff at her new friend, wondering why he was acting so strange. He felt her muzzle, velvety soft, stroke the side of his face before she backed away, puzzled.

  For the horse’s sake, he didn’t move, and he wouldn’t until he could master his emotions. For Jess’s sake, he’d stay in the pen, let her go without laying on guilt. He’d never show her how much this hurt, how it always would. He’d never done anything harder in his life, but it was the best gift he could give to the woman he’d loved all his life and the only way he could see to save himself.

  Chapter 50

  Jess drove away as fast as she dared. Once she’d rounded a curve that hid her from Cade’s view, she parked in a pullout by Willow Creek and shut off the engine. Folding her arms over the steering wheel, she rested her head on her hands and stared unseeing at the road ahead.

  When she’d left Amber Lynn at the bank, she’d had a plan. Go to Cade’s, apologize prettily, tell him she loved him, and watch his eyes light up. They’d celebrate, probably, by making love in his bed, with the window open. They’d hear this very creek flowing past. She’d always loved that.

  Then—and she’d found herself looking forward to this part, too—she’d call her boss and give him her notice. Maybe they’d manage to save the Diamond Jack, or maybe she and Cade would live at Walker Ranch. One way or another, she’d go back to the life she’d been born to live. Her roping would get better. Her riding, too. And someday, she’d be one of those old ranch women, wise in the ways of the wind.

  The relief she’d felt at the thought of quitting her job surprised her. She’d worked so hard at Birchwood, she’d lost sight of the fact that she didn’t actually enjoy it. Sitting in that stark, brightly lit office, she’d missed the wide sky over Wyoming every day. She’d missed the friendly people of Wynott. She’d missed her family, her horse, and Cade. Quitting would be like getting out of jail and going home.

  But she’d realized the truth too late.

  Now, she’d have to make a different kind of call. Go back. Keep gunning for promotions that would lead her ever farther from home. Go back to her second-choice life.

  She knew she was getting exactly what she deserved. She’d asked too much of life and far too much of Cade. His love was deep and real, but she’d taken it for granted and pushed for more. No matter what he did, it was never enough.

  He was the kindest man she’d ever known, but he was still a man. There was a limit to what his pride would bear, and she’d poked and prodded until she’d pushed him over the edge. She’d demanded perfection. Total trust. All the while, she’d never given his past a thought—how everyone who should have loved him had failed him somehow or even hurt him. And she’d been one of the worst.

  Exiting the car, she stumbled down an embankment and plunged into a grove of cottonwood trees that bent dark, crooked boughs beside the creek. After staggering through the underbrush, she stood at the water’s edge and watched the water make its mindless way to Colorado.

  She could hear a pinging sound coming from the road, where she’d left the car door open, the keys in the ignition, but she didn’t care. Climbing onto an old cottonwood that leaned across the stream, she edged along a thick branch that arched until she found a rough-barked seat where she could dangle her legs over the water.

  It was the same water that had flowed past Cade’s bedroom window, singing to them when they’d made love. It had borne the little boats they’d fashioned out of leaves when they were kids. They’d sat in this very spot through long summer days, shoulder to shoulder—Jess reading her Trixie Belden mysteries, Cade his battered horse magazines, the same ones over and over. He’d kissed her for the first time here and countless times thereafter. Now, she had to face a world without him.

  Would she ever get over this? Would she ever be able to stand her own face in the mirror again? The more she thought about it, the more she realized she’d been as bad as Amber Lynn, taking and taking, never giving an inch. She’d been wrong. And it had cost her the world.

  Well, at least she’d be busy. She could drown herself in managerial tasks and think of nothing but success. She’d die a little inside, but she’d become the person she’d wanted to be all those years ago, when she’d chosen her mother over her father, city life over Cade, success and self-importance over love and a giving heart.

  Idiot.

  Shifting her hips, she let the toe of one boot dangle in the water, creating an eddy that hypnotized her as it spun to a smooth backwater and disappeared. She wished she could calm the tumult in her heart that easily.

  Maybe she should go back, talk Cade into staying. Amber Lynn said he’d always be hers. Riley, too. Maybe she could still save the life she wanted.

  But all she could see was his face as she’d seen it just now—the set of his jaw, the jut of his chin, the shield drawn over his eyes. He hadn’t looked like a man who’d wanted his mind changed. He’d looked like a man with a mission—a strong, successful man who’d gotten the opportunity of a lifetime, who was about to reach his professional goals.

  Those horse magazines.

  She smiled at the memory. Cade had bought those magazines whenever he had a few dollars. Western Horseman, American Quarter Horse Journal, the rodeo papers—he’d worn them out, cover to cover, and told her he’d be in those pages someday, a famous horse trainer.

  He’d never really expected to succeed. He’d assumed he was doomed to slave at his dad’s dwindling cattle ranch until Tom Walker frittered away the rest of it. But every boy has a dream, and Cade had dreamed of horses. He’d wanted to help them and their people, like his idols Buck Brannaman, Tom Dorrance, and John Baker, and now that dream was coming true. Jess had no doubt a job at John Baker’s California ranch would carry him to the kind of stardom he’d imagined all those years ago. Manipulating him into staying, denying him that chance, might be a win for her—but it would be a huge loss for Cade.

  If she really loved him, she’d let him go. She had a chance to be unselfish for a change. To do what was right for Cade.

  Sliding off her tree-branch seat, she dropped into the water and stood ankle deep in the stream. She was ruining her boots, but she didn’t care. She didn’t care about anything but Cade and the painful knowledge that she had to let him go, had to let him have this chance.

  Covering her face with her hands, she stood in the water, leaned against
the tree, and cried for a long, long time.

  * * *

  Molly heard Jess returning before she saw her. The screech of brakes, the crush and spit of gravel—the girl drove as if pursued by demons. Plucking a towel from the stove handle, Molly watched her stepdaughter climb up out of her car.

  Something was wrong. Jess staggered like she could hardly find her feet and walked like she’d been blinded. As she neared, Molly realized the girl really couldn’t see. She was crying too hard. And her boots were soaking wet.

  Without thinking, Molly raced out the side door and caught her stepdaughter in her arms. Jess fell against her, crying harder, and Molly nearly fell over with shock. She and Jess had been getting along lately. She’d flattered herself that there was even some love developing between the two of them. But until now, Jess had never come to her with her troubles.

  “He’s leaving,” Jess moaned. “I chased him off. My stupid, stupid pride. He’s had enough, and I don’t blame him.”

  She made a small whimper deep in her throat, a sound as helpless and hurt as an animal caught in a trap. Easing Jess down onto the stoop, Molly sat beside her.

  Jess hunched over her stomach as if it hurt. “Who cares if he trusts me one hundred percent? Who cares if he thinks I did all that stuff? He’s Cade. Nothing else matters.” She clutched her stomach and rocked. “What have I done? What have I done?”

  “Hush, sweetheart,” Molly said, stroking Jess’s bright curls. “Cade loves you. You’ll work it out. You always do.”

  The girl shook her head, curls flying. “Not this time. He’s done. He’s got such a good chance, Molly. He’s going to California, to work for John Baker.”

  Molly tried to look like she knew who that was, but Jess apparently caught her blank look.