Friend or Foe

by Imani Black

  Detective Simpson looked powerless at the moment. He appeared as if he would feel every single ounce of her pain from back then. “Let me know if you need another break,” he said during one of Kelsi’s long pauses.

  “We held onto each other, me and my Nana, but that didn’t help,” Kelsi continued.

  “ ‘Don’t make me call the police on you, lady! I did it once, and I’ll do it again!’ Carlene warned Nana, her voice a high-pitched screech that made the insides of my ears itch. ‘You making this harder than it gotta be. A child needs to be with the mother who gave birth to them, not a pretender looking for second chances because they couldn’t do it right with their own child they gave birth to. I’m telling you. I’m gonna call the damn cops!’ Carlene had screamed at Nana.

  “But Nana wasn’t backing down. ‘You gon’ have to call them cops tonight or kill me, ‘cause you ain’t takin’ this child from here unless it’s over my dead body!’ Nana had announced firmly. She wasn’t letting go, and neither was I.

  “I just knew that would do it. Carlene didn’t look like the type that was into having contact with the cops. She wasn’t going to call no cops.

  “But Carlene tugged on my waist again, and I felt like I was losing grip. The bones in my fingers started cracking as I tried in vain to keep them locked together. ‘Please! Nana, don’t let them take me!’ I cried and screamed. I felt my throat burning as I screamed as loud as I could. The salt from my tears was bitter on my tongue.

  “‘Come on! Let go! She ain’t none of your momma! I pushed you out into this world, and if I want you with me, then you gon’ be with me!’ Carlene had growled, tugging on me.

  “I buried my face deeper into Nana’s stomach. I held my breath. I would have rather died from not breathing than to go with Carlene.

  ‘Miss, we gotta go. Why don’t you just let Peaches take her child?’ Carlene’s new husband had said calmly. He scared the living shit out of me, and that made me bury my face even deeper into Nana’s soft stomach. I had forgotten his scary ass had come there with Carlene.

  “ ‘Fuck you and your Peaches! I raised this child. The momma didn’t want her! Did your new wife tell you that? Did she tell you she ain’t interested in being nobody’s mama? Did she tell you she ain’t nothing but a two-bit whore?’ Nana had screamed through tears.

  “I couldn’t ever remember seeing Nana cry before that day. I was still holding on so tight I could hear Nana’s heart racing in my ear.

  “‘Two-bit whore? Two-bit whore? If I’m a two-bit whore, I was taught by the best!’ Carlene had hissed at Nana.

  “I didn’t give a shit about their rivalry. I was watching my life literally flash before my eyes. So, I was spurned into action myself. ‘Please, Carlene, let me stay. I’ll call you Mommy from now on when you come. Just please let me stay with my Nana,’ I had cried out, hoping she would just have a little bit of sympathy for me. The kind of pain I was experiencing felt like someone was dying in my arms. Every muscle in my body ached, and my head pounded. Just the thought of leaving Nana had me gagging on my tears and snot,” Kelsi recalled, her shoulders shaking with sobs now.

  Detective Simpson looked on pitifully. He wrote a few things down, but for the most part, he listened to Kelsi.

  She couldn’t lie to herself. This being the first time she’d ever recounted her life like this was kind of freeing. Over the years, many people had suggested therapy to her, but where she was from, therapy was for weak people and crazy people, and that was it.

  “Carlene seemed hurt when I begged to stay with my Nana. ‘You ain’t gotta call me Mommy when I come because you coming with me now!’ Carlene had screamed at me, sounding a little like she wanted to cry. I could tell she was hurt, maybe even a little embarrassed. Now that I think about it, maybe she felt betrayed by me, her only child, who was acting like she was the grim reaper coming to take me to hell,” Kelsi said, shaking her head like if she could tell her mother sorry right then, she would have.

  “But that still didn’t change shit. Carlene was taking me. Her husband stepped to Nana and said, ‘I believe the child’s mother said to let her go, old lady.’

  “The next thing I heard after that was a click. When I looked up to Nana’s face, I saw the end of a black gun resting on Nana’s forehead. I squeezed my eyes shut and buried my face deeper into Nana’s stomach. I inhaled her scent. Maybe something in my little mind back then told me this was final. I remember saying a quick, silent prayer.

  “It wasn’t enough. The man lifted his gun and brought it down on Nana’s head. I heard something crack. Then I felt something dripping on the top of my head,” Kelsi cried. Both of her hands had curled into fists on their own.

  She looked up at Detective Simpson with fire in her eyes as she recounted one of the worst days of her life and the event that ultimately set her life on a crash course with disaster.

  “He gun-butted your grandmother?” Detective Simpson asked, seemingly shocked.

  Kelsi’s jaw rocked, and her nostrils flared. “Fuck yeah. He hit Nana with that gun. ‘God forgive them,’ Nana had whispered as her body hit the floor. She involuntarily released her grip on me as she went limp.

  “‘Nana, wake up! You can’t let them take me!’ I had yelled. I still held on to Nana as tight as I could, but I was no match for his huge wrestler’s arms.

  “He swept me off my feet in one swift motion and carried me kicking and screaming to his rusty old white ragtop Cadillac Sedan Deville. He threw me into the backseat roughly and slammed the door. Then, he walked calmly to the driver’s seat and cranked the car up. I remember the pungent smell of gasoline that engulfed the car and made me dizzy.

  “By the time I scrambled up from the seat, I saw Nana stumbling out of the building. She was going to fight for me. No gun butt was going to keep my Nana from fighting for me. I looked out of the dirty car window at my Nana, who was running beside the car with blood leaking from her head as the bastard pulled away from the curb. Nana’s face was covered with blood as she cried and screamed my name.” Kelsi hiccupped several sobs, and her chest trembled.

  “My Nana had screamed, and I screamed right back. ‘Nana! Nana! Don’t let them take me!’ I remember putting my hands up against the glass and feeling as if I was being sucked into a dark hole, an alternate universe. Nana couldn’t keep up. At first, I watched Nana from the window, but eventually, I had to get on my knees to see her. The further we drove, the smaller Nana got until I could hardly see her anymore. Suddenly, Nana’s silhouette just disappeared into the distance.

  “I never saw my Nana alive again. I had lost the only person who’d ever really loved me,” Kelsi said.

  “Wow, Kelsi. I can’t imagine your pain and sorrow over that,” Detective Simpson said. “So, it was that event that led you to meet the Turners?” he asked.

  “Yes, it was the very first thing that led to me eventually becoming part of the Turner family, but it wasn’t the last,” Kelsi replied, prepared to tell it all.

  Chapter 8

  Kelsi

  Kelsi was exhausted when she walked back into the apartment. There was a crowd of people there, rallying around Cheyenne in the wake of Desiree’s death. Kelsi tried to slip in and go into the back room, but Cheyenne noticed her and called out to her. Kelsi froze, spun around, and plastered on a fake smile.

  “Hey, Chey,” she sang. “You all right?”

  Cheyenne called her over, but there were too many people.

  “I’m exhausted. Let’s talk tonight,” Kelsi replied, darting her eyes around, a signal only her best friend would understand. It meant Kelsi needed alone time, which sometimes she did. Cheyenne got the picture, finally. Kelsi darted to the back.

  Once she was in Cheyenne’s bedroom, she closed the door, leaned her back against it, and let out the breath she had been holding. Her tears came fast and furious. Her entire body shook violently. Kelsi was inconsolable. Speaking to Detective Simpson had dredged up parts of her life she’d tried to forget. She’d tried
to drink it away, drug it away, sex it away, and nothing had worked. She slid down to the floor, her legs too weak to maintain her weight any longer. Kelsi folded herself into a ball and covered her ears with her hands. She rocked back and forth as she was thrust back into a time and place she wished she could erase.

  * * *

  Kelsi had never been out of the Bronx in her life before Carlene and Took snatched her. She cried for the entire ride. Sitting on the hot, busted-up leather of Took’s car, Kelsi could hardly breathe from the wind blowing in her face. Tears and snot were everywhere. She had white, dried, and crusted streaks extending from the corners of her eyes like war paint and running down her cheeks like the makeup on a sad clown. Kelsi continued to cry out of control. She didn’t care. She wanted her Nana.

  A few times during the eternity-long ride, Took turned his pale face around toward Kelsi and screamed, “Shut the fuck up, kid!”

  Kelsi had never seen anyone who looked like Took. His skin was so white it was almost transparent. His hair was thick and nappy, but it was a golden, brassy blonde like it belonged on the head of a white person. Took’s eyeballs were red with a black center. Kelsi pondered his features as she cried. She’d grown up to believe only white people had blonde hair and pinky-whitish skin.

  At first, Kelsi thought Took was white, but his huge flat nose and nappy-ass hair quickly changed her mind. Anyone with red eyeballs had to be the devil, she surmised, but as she got older, she learned he was albino.

  Kelsi could smell the difference in the air between the Bronx and Brooklyn as soon as they crossed the bridge. She put her arm over her nose. The funny smell made her want to throw up. It was like the ocean mixed with garbage—yeah, that was the best she could describe it.

  Kelsi was still crying as they pulled up on the strange block. Her head pounded, and she had to pee badly. She peered out the window at an orange-and-blue sign posted in a small patch of grass that read: WELCOME TO CAREY GARDENS, N.Y.C.H.A. The building was very tall, not like the four-story walk-up where she had lived with Nana in the Bronx. There were so many people outside, kids and adults. Kelsi heard music blasting from a large boom box sitting on a bench.

  “Here comes the brand new flava in ya ear! Time for new flava in ya ear!” The Craig Mack lyrics had everyone outside jumping.

  “Ow!” Carlene shouted, raising her hands over her head and clapping. “That’s my shit. This remix be having me going.” She rocked her head up and down.

  As young as she was, Kelsi just wanted to tell her mother to shut the fuck up. It wasn’t nothing to fucking celebrate about. But her Nana would not have approved of Kelsi thinking about curses in her head.

  “The block is hot! That means green for you, baby.” Carlene giggled, leaning in to kiss Took’s ugly cheek. She became a different person all of a sudden.

  Took was preparing to park the car so they could get out, but before he could bring it to a complete stop, three scary-looking people—two skinny women and a very sweaty man—rushed toward Took’s window.

  The first skinny woman began stretching her balled fist toward Took. “Yo, Took, man, where you been? I need a nick—” She was quickly cut off.

  “Bitch, can’t you see I just pulled up? I got my kid in the car and shit. Have some fuckin’ respect, you fiend! Get the fuck outta here until I park my whip!” Took screamed at the lady.

  The skeletal lady and her counterparts jumped back as Took purposely swerved the car like he was going to hit them.

  I ain’t his kid, Kelsi thought. I’ll never be the kid of no red-eyed devil. However, since she never knew who her father was, it did feel kind of good to have a man claim her like that.

  “Y’all gotta get out. I gotta go see Big K. I need to re-up. I ain’t got no more shit, and as you can see, these fiends don’t never rest,” Took said to Carlene with an urgency in his voice.

  Carlene leaned over and kissed him again. Kelsi gagged.

  “Go get that work, daddy. I’ll be waiting for you when you get back, so don’t take too long,” Carlene cooed in a husky, trying-to-be-sexy voice that made Kelsi’s skin crawl.

  Then she turned toward Kelsi. Her face changed. It was suddenly crumpled like she was smelling something real stink. “C’mon, get out! And wipe them damn crusty boogers off your face!” she yelled at Kelsi.

  Kelsi’s insides boiled. She rolled her eyes and made a feeble attempt to wipe the crusted snot and tears from her face. Wide-eyed, she exited the car, wondering what kind of life she was about live.

  It was like a different world in front of that building. There were at least sixty things going on at once: people dancing, people arguing, people drinking, people smoking, kids playing, kids fighting, babies crying, babies sleeping. It was like all the people who lived inside that tall building with all those windows were outside, engaged in some activity, and they all stared at Carlene and Kelsi as they walked up.

  Suddenly, Kelsi felt the heat of embarrassment flame over her face. She was ashamed of how she looked, who she was with... all of it. All eyes were on her. She had nothing but the clothes on her back. When Carlene and Took had snatched her from Nana, Kelsi was in what Nana referred to as “play clothes,” so she wasn’t in one of her best outfits. The jeans she wore were a little too high, and the T-shirt a little too tight. They were last year’s clothes that Nana made her wear around the house when they weren’t going anywhere special. Kelsi had plenty of nice clothes at Nana’s house, but Carlene hadn’t taken the time to bring Kelsi’s clothes or toys, and Nana was too preoccupied with trying to keep her there to pack a bag.

  As Kelsi walked toward the front of 2949 West 23rd Street—her new, strange home—she looked around at all the people as they looked at her. One set of kids caught her full attention. There was a group of girls playing double Dutch.

  “Ten, ten, ten, twenty, thirty, forty, fifty, sixty, seventy, eighty, ninety, one up, two, three, four, five, six, seven eight, nine, two up!” They all sang in unison as one girl jumped in the middle of their rope.

  One girl in particular caught Kelsi’s attention. The girl was turning on one end of the rope, and as Kelsi stared at her, the girl smiled. Kelsi thought the girl was very pretty. Her hair was long and neatly done in a lot of ponytails. She wore yellow from head to toe, and it seemed to bring out her Crayola-crayon brown skin.

  The girl kept her eye on Kelsi while she turned the rope made from telephone wire. Kelsi waved real quick and kept walking. She immediately wanted to get to know that little girl with the kind smile and kind eyes.

  “Hey, Peaches, who you got there?” yelled an old, overweight woman wearing a housecoat. The woman’s body spilled left and right on the bench she occupied to the left of the building’s entrance. She was talking to Carlene, so it quickly became obvious to Kelsi that Carlene’s nickname was Peaches. Kelsi had thought it was just something Took called her. To Kelsi, Carlene looked far from a peach.

  “This my daughter, Kelsi. I told you I had a daughter. What? You ain’t believe me?” Carlene snapped back at the woman but continued switching her ass into the building.

  “She’s a pretty little thing. Sure don’t look nothing like you!” the lady replied, cackling and coughing at the same time.

  Carlene kept moving full speed ahead like she didn’t want the lady to look at Kelsi too long. “Lula is so got-damn nosey. Always try’na make somebody out to be a fucking liar,” Carlene whispered to herself as she and Kelsi stood waiting for the elevator.

  Carlene jammed her finger at the elevator button over and over like she didn’t believe it would ever come. For the first time since they’d left Nana’s, Kelsi could tell Carlene was just as nervous about this new living arrangement as she was. Carlene wouldn’t look at Kelsi, but she could see Carlene’s bottom lip quivering a bit.

  Maybe she wants me to like her, Kelsi thought.

  Carlene and Kelsi didn’t speak a word during the elevator ride. Exiting the elevator, Carlene led the way. She rushed down the long, dimly lit hallway
, and Kelsi followed. The stale air assaulted the insides of Kelsi’s nostrils with a million different odors at once. She could smell the aroma of fried chicken, pee, fish, and garbage all rolled into one big whiff. As they passed one apartment, Kelsi could hear music blasting so loud the little knocker on the door vibrated. Another apartment had its front door wide open. The occupants inside moved around like they didn’t even notice the door was open. Another apartment had huge dents in the door and bright yellow tape that said CRIME SCENE: DO NOT CROSS in the form of an X across it.

  The projects were much noisier and busier than Kelsi was used to. What really got her was all the garbage on the floor in front of the incinerator.

  They gotta live here. How come they couldn’t just pull the handle and put the garbage in? she thought, even as young as she was.

  Apartment 4G—that was what the black lettering on the door Carlene stopped at read. Carlene fished her keys from her pocketbook and opened the blue steel door.

  “Home sweet, fucking home!” she exclaimed and then stepped inside like she was introducing Kelsi to a palace.

  Standing at the threshold, Kelsi raised her eyebrows and covered her mouth. She felt a hard ball in her throat, and something funny was going on in her stomach. Tears sprang up at the edges of her eyes. The house stank like garbage and dirty feet. Beer cans, soda bottles, clothes, Chinese food boxes, and any other item of garbage you could think of covered the floor. Kelsi used the back of her hand to wipe her tears and cover her nose at the same time.

  “You better stop acting like you too good and brang yo’ ass on in here. This where we stay, so this is where you stay. Get all that other shit out of your mind. I’m ya mother,” Carlene said, yanking Kelsi further into the hellhole.

  Kelsi’s sneakers made low, crackling sounds as the soles stuck to the sticky, dirty tiles on the floor. The floor was a sickening shade of gray, but Kelsi somehow knew the tiles were supposed to be off-white. She examined her new surroundings as she dodged the roaches scurrying back to their hiding places. There were so many of them that they couldn’t find places to hide.