First Do No Harm

by Emily Smith

Pierce’s heart ricocheted to the floor like a faulty elevator. This was everything she had come to fear. Cassidy had burned herself out and was no longer interested.

  “Is everything okay?”

  “Sure. Everything’s fine. Just tired.”

  Pierce’s stomach pitched. She was becoming physically ill. The thought of losing Cassidy was far more caustic than anything she could have ever imagined. In an instant, her entire world had been corrupted. Cassidy had become the glue that held together everything in her life. Her work. Galen. Even the places she went for coffee and the bike path she walked along the Charles. Cassidy had permeated everything. And now it was all going to fall apart.

  “Okay. Well, see you tomorrow, I guess?”

  “Yes.” Cassidy turned around without so much as a brush of her hand against Pierce’s or even a smile, and Pierce’s heart continued to break in succession.

  “Cass, wait.” She couldn’t let her go like this. Not without knowing if it was really over between them. “Is it…us? I mean, did I do something?”

  Cassidy’s brow furrowed, and her voice dropped into a low tenor. “Not everything is about you, Pierce.”

  * * *

  It wasn’t enough that Cassidy had to relive her childhood trauma. She also had to push the love of her life as far away as possible. She lay in her queen-sized bed, alone. The bed had never been so big without Pierce beside her. The apartment was cold, or maybe she was just still frozen from the day. Cassidy hadn’t meant to push Pierce away. But she knew exactly why she had. She was not the one who was sick—Carly was. And as sad as that was, it wasn’t going to ruin the best relationship she’d ever had. Cassidy needed to make things right with Pierce. But she just wasn’t ready to tell her why yet.

  The clock on Cassidy’s cell phone read close to one a.m., but she had a feeling Pierce wouldn’t be sleeping either. She’d been unfair. She’d hurt Pierce. And she had to fix it before it was too late.

  “Cass? Are you okay?” Cassidy could hear the worry in Pierce’s voice interlaced with a hint of excitement. Pierce’s mind had gone to its worst, darkest corners. She would have done the same thing if Pierce had treated her the way she had earlier.

  “Yes. I’m okay. Can you…come over?”

  “Now?”

  “If that’s all right. Or I can go over there. I just need to see you.”

  “Of course. I’ll be right there.”

  It was hardly twenty minutes before Pierce was ringing the buzzer outside Cassidy’s door. She stood silently in a worn, gray hoodie and basketball shorts, her cowlicks protruding in ways that made Cassidy’s heart tug with a feeling she could only articulate as home. She threw her arms around Pierce’s strong shoulders and gripped hard, burying her face in Pierce’s neck, taking in the sweet, musky scent of her skin. Pierce was her safe place.

  “What’s going on?” Pierce asked, still holding Cassidy’s hips.

  “I’m sorry, Pierce.”

  “For what?”

  “Today. For pushing you away. I promise, I can explain.” Cassidy took Pierce’s hand and led her into the bedroom. She climbed under the covers she’d been cocooned under all night, and Pierce followed. Her body fit seamlessly with Pierce’s, an endless expanse of soft skin and warmth that all at once set everything right in the world. Cassidy kept her head firmly on Pierce’s chest, one arm draped across Pierce’s stomach as Pierce stroked the hair falling across Cassidy’s forehead.

  “It wasn’t you. Or us,” Cassidy said. “Remember that patient from earlier? The young girl with the ALL?”

  “Yeah?”

  “I just…” Cassidy wasn’t sure just how much she was planning to disclose. “It really got to me. I don’t know why. I’m sorry I was cold.”

  It wasn’t the entire truth, but it wasn’t exactly a lie, either. Was it?

  “That’s okay. It happens to all of us at one point or another. But I have to say, you had me really freaked out.”

  Cassidy sighed and lifted her head until her eyes met Pierce’s. “I know. And I’m so sorry. Trust me. I know what it’s like to feel insecure. Especially about this.”

  Pierce scoffed. “You? I highly doubt that.”

  “I’m serious. I have mini-crises about it just about daily. Most of the time I have to call my sister in Nevada just to reassure me I’m completely out of touch.”

  “Really? You worry about, you know, me?” She couldn’t miss the delight in Pierce’s tone.

  “Are you kidding? All the damn time, Pierce. You’re incredibly sexy, and smart, and funny, and caring…” If ever there was a moment for Cassidy to leak those three fragile words, it would be now. They were so far to the tip of her tongue she thought they might just fall out.

  Pierce kissed her chin, temporarily quieting the turmoil in her mind but accelerating the storm in her heart.

  “Whenever you feel like that just remember one thing…” She watched the lump in Pierce’s throat rise and fall as she swallowed hard. “It took me only one month to fall absolutely, head over heels in love with you.”

  Cassidy’s vision dimmed to near black. The sounds of the street below, the whirl of the ceiling fan, the clunk of the radiator—it all stopped, a frozen moment in time she would remember for as long as she lived.

  “I love you too.” Overwhelmed. Terrified. Overjoyed. The release washed over her like a thousand calming waves, as every muscle in her body let go at once. Those three words she’d dreaded, anticipated, tried so hard to hold back were every bit more powerful than she could have imagined, each syllable carrying with it a promise for tomorrow. Taking Pierce’s face in her hands, she kissed her with every single one of those promises, until her fears, her apprehension, her past melted into one perfect future.

  Chapter Sixteen

  Pierce would never have described herself as “outdoorsy.” She did enjoy the occasional hike and could start a campfire after a few tries, and really that was only because her parents forced her to join the Girl Scouts for a year. Still, if given the choice, she’d take room service at the Four Seasons any day of the week. But when Galen proposed that she, Rowan, Pierce, and Cassidy take a weekend trip to the Burgess family cabin in northern New Hampshire, Pierce jumped on it. It was rare for all four of them to have an entire weekend off together. And the image of curling up to Cassidy on some private dock was all the coaxing Pierce needed.

  Being the only one of four with a sensible car that could actually fit them all, Cassidy pulled up in her fifteen-year-old Subaru Forester outside of Pierce’s apartment a little after eight a.m. The mid-July heat suddenly felt seasonably appropriate. Even at the early hour of the morning, the sun was already blazing, and a dreamy haze had settled in the sky. Pierce smiled, threw open the back door, and chucked her duffel bag onto the seat.

  “You know, I must say, this distance has been unbearable,” Pierce said, sliding in next to Cassidy.

  “You joke. But even one night was far more than I’d like.”

  Pierce leaned over the center console and kissed her, the heat from the open window beating down on her back. “Speaking of that, why don’t I drive? You must be exhausted.”

  She examined Cassidy’s face closely for signs of wear from the overnight shift she’d just been relieved of.

  “I’m okay. I just had an enormous coffee. And besides. Gerty is a little touchy. Not everyone can handle her sticky brakes and overzealous gas pedal.”

  Pierce laughed. “I’m sure I could manage. Just let me know if you get too tired. It’s a bit of a drive up there. And whatever you do, don’t let Galen drive. She thinks she’s a Formula One racer most of the time. We’d be lucky to make it there in several pieces, never mind just one.”

  “Noted.”

  The Boston traffic was light with city dwellers out of town for the weekend and the hungover twenty-somethings still in bed. Pierce kept her fingers lightly wound in Cassidy’s for the entire fifteen minutes it took to reach Galen and Rowan’s place.

  Much to Pierce’s
surprise, the two sat on a bench outside of their building, large cups of takeaway coffee in hand. Their bags flanked them, and upon seeing Pierce and Cassidy pull up, Galen tapped her watch dramatically.

  “Surgeons.” Pierce mocked them.

  Galen lifted both of their pieces of luggage in one easy swoop and placed them next to Pierce’s.

  “Hey, thanks for the lift,” Galen said, climbing into the tattered backseat.

  “Sorry it’s not exactly the lap of luxury,” Cassidy said. “But Gerty will get us there, won’t you, Gert?” She tapped the steering wheel affectionately.

  “I’m just glad one of us has a car actually suitable for camping.”

  “I wanted to talk to you about this camping business, G,” Pierce cut in from the passenger seat.

  “What about it?”

  “We aren’t really, like, camping, are we?” Pierce could see Galen and Rowan exchange amused glances through the rearview mirror.

  “Pierce. It’s a five-bedroom cabin on Lake Winnipesauke. There’s a freakin’ sauna in the bathroom. And yes, to a Burgess, that’s camping. But you’re more than welcome to pitch a tent in the yard if you like.”

  Cassidy raised one hand from the wheel. “If she does that, I’m sleeping with you guys in the house.”

  “Hell, no. I’m relieved this is a full-on glamping experience,” Pierce said. “I’m far too pretty to get dirty.”

  “You and me both, kid. You and me both.” Galen leaned forward to offer her fist to Pierce, who immediately met it with her own.

  “What if we just left these two off somewhere and had the place to ourselves, Cass?” Rowan said.

  “I like that idea even better.”

  “Hey! You can’t do that,” Galen retorted. “I have the key. Besides, I know where my dad hides all the good booze.”

  “Twenty-five-year-old McCallen?” Pierce asked.

  “Think older. I only drink scotch that’s been around longer than I have.”

  Pierce smiled. Her roots were far humbler than her cousin’s, but she couldn’t deny they shared a serious love for the finer things.

  Two hours later, Gerty came to a stop outside a stunning cabin heavily shaded by the boughs of luscious trees and shrubs. The house was set far back from the narrow gravel road that led them there. Acres of fertile grass spread out around them, leading down to the still, expansive lake that sat majestically in the background. At the farthest point of the horizon sat the Presidential Mountain Range, a smoky blue-gray in the mid-day summer heat. Pierce was immediately struck with a sense of calm that was pure juxtaposition to the city, and every bit of tension and worry she’d been carrying surrounding her ever-expanding attachment to Cassidy dissipated into a comforting gratitude for everything her new life in Boston had brought her so far.

  * * *

  For an entire day, Cassidy hadn’t thought about her past or what might come of the future. She couldn’t remember the last time that had happened. Maybe never? It was strange that she was a little more tired than usual. But the last couple of weeks had been long, and she was an ER resident. Just part of the gig, she told herself.

  But as she sat with Rowan at the end of the dock, their toes skimming the dark, cool water, the tiniest corner of her brain nagged at her. Maybe she should make a doctor’s appointment? Just get some blood work to be sure? No. She was just tired.

  “Okay, it’s finally just us,” Rowan said, jarring Cassidy out of her own head. “Time to spill.”

  “Spill?” Cassidy laughed.

  “Yes! I want all your deepest, gushiest thoughts and feelings about Pierce. Spare no details.”

  Grateful for a distraction, and for the opportunity to talk about Pierce, Cassidy angled her body toward Rowan, tucking one bare foot underneath her. It was unsettlingly dark without the ever-present city lights, but she could still make out Rowan’s eager face.

  “What do you want to know?”

  “It’s been a few months now. Are you guys…serious?”

  Cassidy had thought so. Had Pierce said differently? “I’d say we are…But I can’t speak for Pierce.” Her heart dropped just a little.

  “Oh, I know what Pierce thinks. She hasn’t shut up about you since you met. I’m surprised she hasn’t proposed yet.” Rowan laughed. “I wanted to see if you returned that sentiment. I haven’t known her long, but Pierce is Galen’s family. And she’s already become like family to me. I really want to see her happy.”

  “Well, listen, if it’s any reassurance from my end…” Cassidy glanced around in the darkness, making sure Galen and Pierce were still back on land getting the fire started. “I’m absolutely nuts about her.”

  Cassidy could make out Rowan’s pleased smile in the shadows. “Good.”

  “Maybe even more nuts than I’ve ever been about anyone, actually.”

  “As in…you’re in love with her?”

  “As in…big time.”

  Rowan wrapped her arm around Cassidy’s shoulder and pulled her in tightly, a delighted giggle escaping into the quiet night. “Girl!” Rowan appeared too excited to say anything else.

  “I think both Pierce and I want what you and Galen have.”

  Rowan released her but kept her hand on Cassidy’s knee. “What you two have is even better. Because it’s yours.”

  “I certainly wouldn’t trade it.”

  “What were your past relationships like? You know, if you don’t mind my asking.”

  A swell of panic rose in Cassidy. The past was her least favorite topic of conversation. But she sensed something safe about Rowan, something to be trusted.

  “I didn’t come out until I was older. Really not until my early twenties. And to be honest with you, I was sort of…preoccupied in my youth.”

  “What do you mean? Like, with school and things?”

  “That, and other stuff. I spent a lot of time in and out of the hospital when I was a teenager.” Cassidy exhaled in immediate disbelief that she’d just disclosed one of the most sensitive parts of her to someone she hardly knew. But with that exhale came a sense of relief, like someone had finally poked a pinhole in her deepest secret, letting it ease out of her, releasing the pressure she didn’t realize had been suffocating her.

  “Oh my God, Cass. Were you sick?”

  “Non-Hodgkins. Twice, actually. Sonofabitch almost killed me.”

  “Holy shit…But you’re okay? I mean, it’s all gone, right?”

  That was the question Cassidy seemed to ask herself nearly every day. “Yeah. I mean, as far as I know.”

  “I’m so sorry. I can’t imagine what that must have done for your childhood.”

  Cassidy stared off into the blackness. “It split my parents up. They couldn’t take it, always wondering if I was going to make it or not. They started blaming each other, and the resentment just festered until one day my dad left. Went and shacked up with the principal of the school he worked at.”

  “Jesus.” Rowan shook her head.

  “Yeah. But I’m fine now. I hardly give it a second thought.”

  Rowan nodded silently and followed her gaze out into the horizon.

  “That was a lie,” Cassidy said. “I don’t know why I just lied to you. I’m not used to talking about this.”

  “You don’t have to if you don’t want to. Really.”

  “I know.” But Cassidy did want to talk about it. For the first time in years, it felt good to share her past, her fears, with someone. Rowan wasn’t just a stranger. She was a friend. And she felt like more than that even. She felt like family. “There’s something about you, Ro. You’re really easy to talk to.”

  “Look, Cass. I know this is all new, with Pierce, and with coming into our little circle here, but I see you as my friend already. A good friend. And Pierce is Galen’s family, which sort of makes her my family by proxy. And that sort of makes you my family too…If that’s okay, I mean.”

  Warmth flooded Cassidy’s insides, and a threat of tears assaulted her eyes. “That’s oka
y with me.”

  “Good. Now come here.” Rowan grabbed Cassidy by both shoulders and crushed her against her chest, and Cassidy was overwhelmed by a sense that she had found her people. Her tribe.

  “I lied when I said it doesn’t affect me,” Cassidy said, her head still propped on Rowan’s shoulder, the wool of Rowan’s sweater scratching Cassidy’s cheek.

  “How do you mean?”

  “It’s kept me from getting close to people. This is going to sound really dumb, but a few weeks ago, I had this patient. She was a young girl with ALL. Neutropenic fever. She reminded me so much of me at that age. And her parents…Jesus, it was like I was re-watching the worst moments of my life. I didn’t talk to Pierce the entire night after that. I completely pushed her away. I even snapped at her when she asked and told her it wasn’t always about her. I just kept thinking, if I love her, how could I risk putting her through that again?”

  “You can’t think like that. You don’t know whether the cancer will ever come back. In fact, it probably won’t. You can’t just push people away on the small chance they might love you and lose you.”

  “I know.”

  “Did you tell Pierce?”

  Cassidy didn’t answer. She looked down at her lap, studying the gray outlines of her hands.

  “You didn’t, did you,” Rowan answered for her.

  “No. She can’t know. She’d just worry all the time.”

  Cassidy shook her head. “I can’t tell you what to do. But I think you should tell her. She adores you. She’s already planning her whole damn life around you. She’d be crushed if she discovered you were keeping this from her.”

  “I’ve thought of that once or twice.”

  “You should give Pierce more credit, you know. She’d already go to the ends of the earth for you. If anything ever happened to you, she’d be there the entire way.”

  That was exactly what Cassidy was afraid of.

  “I’ll tell her at some point, okay? I’m just…I’m not ready yet.”

  Rowan pursed her lips in apparent disapproval. “Don’t sit on it too long. Life’s shorter than we think.”