First Do No Harm

by Emily Smith

  “Good. I’m really glad.” Cassidy reached out a friendly hand and touched Pierce’s arm. She had meant it to be a gesture of comfort, an olive branch. But instead it sent Cassidy’s heart farther tumbling, crashing, through some infinite wormhole where the pain just kept multiplying and the impact never came. It spun and spun through space, no gravity to stop it, its axis a continually shifting course surrounded by nothing but black.

  * * *

  Cassidy met Rowan outside her apartment building not long after sunrise the next morning. As excruciating as acting like her life was going on without Pierce had been, at least it distracted her from the reminder of the day ahead of her. The biopsy would soon be over, and Cassidy would have answers. She’d spent the last several weeks assuming that the cancer would be back. But the night before she had seriously considered the possibility that it might not be. Hope was a dangerous thing. But if that tiny flitter of hope proved right, and she was okay, would she try to win Pierce back? Cassidy hadn’t even pondered this question until twelve hours earlier, though she’d quickly told herself that wasn’t fair to Pierce. Cassidy had already crushed her, and the catastrophe was inevitable. If the cancer didn’t return today, it would sooner or later. And she couldn’t invite Pierce back just to be a part of that.

  “Thank you for coming with me.” Cassidy had planned to go to the appointment alone. But the night before, lying in her bed staring at her ceiling, she just couldn’t find the courage. Rowan was the only one who knew, her only real friend right now.

  “I’m happy to be here for you. But don’t think this means I’m not still pissed.”

  “That’s fair. How is Pierce, anyway?” Cassidy wasn’t sure she really wanted to know.

  “I shouldn’t tell you. Not after the way you tossed her out like last week’s trash. But for the record, she’s a mess.”

  “Oh…I’m sorry to hear that…” Cassidy stared at her feet as they walked down Boylston Street toward the hospital.

  “You are not. Look. I know you think what you did was noble and selfless, but it wasn’t. Trust me.” Rowan’s tone clearly reflected just how angry she still was.

  “I did what was best for Pierce.”

  “I thought the same thing when I broke up with Galen, that I was cleaning up everyone else’s mess, making myself miserable so they could be happy. I considered myself a damn martyr. But I just screwed everything up so much more. I was lying to Brian. I’d broken Galen’s heart a million ways. And worst of all, I gave up the love of my life. I was miserable. All because I thought I was doing what I had to.”

  “I know what you’re saying. But it’s not the same thing.”

  “It sounds pretty similar to me. Can you tell me you aren’t miserable without Pierce?”

  Cassidy stuffed her hands into her pockets and stared far out to the horizon. “No. I can’t. I’m devastated, Ro. I love her. Still. Probably always. And yeah, this is the worst fucking pain I’ve ever felt.”

  “So you agree. You’re an idiot.”

  “No. Maybe. I don’t know. I only know this stupid biopsy is about to change my life again, and I don’t want Pierce anywhere near that.”

  * * *

  Cassidy spent most days of the week in a hospital, but the smell was different that day. The antiseptic and bleach and plastic weren’t foreign to her, but even the scents of the hospital were different now that she was a patient. The same dread and apprehension Cassidy had felt as a child flooded back at the sounds of singing monitors and the wafting smell of cleanliness that somehow always signaled the close proximity of death. She spent nearly every day in the hospital. But this was like being dropped on a strange planet, one she’d seen before in vague nightmares but always awoke from. Until today.

  “I’m here for my eight o’clock appointment. Cassidy Sullivan.” Cassidy inhaled as deeply as her lungs allowed, trying not to fidget too much while she waited in front of the oversized reception desk. Rowan’s hand landed on her back, and she absorbed the comforting warmth from Rowan’s reassuring touch.

  Cassidy remained silent as she flipped through an outdated issue of People, never actually stopping to read a word. Her knee bounced through the air, and she chewed mindlessly on her lower lip until it was raw and sore. Rowan stayed in the seat beside her, also silent but ever ready to hold Cassidy up if need be. A TV in the corner played CNN on silent. It was early, and the surgical waiting room was still largely empty. Cassidy stared at the closed door that led to the exam rooms and pre-op areas and, ultimately, the OR, where she would be escorted any moment. She was used to being on the other side of that door, ushering the helpless patients through to help cure whatever ailed them. Cassidy once again remembered just how vulnerable it felt to be the one in the waiting room.

  “Hey. This is nothing. No big deal. You know that.” Rowan squeezed Cassidy’s thigh.

  “I know.”

  “It’s just local, right? They aren’t even putting you under?”

  “No. Just local.” But the procedure itself hadn’t left Cassidy feeling like she’d woken up in the middle of her worst recurring nightmare. It was the aftermath—what cells lay hidden in that stupid lump under her armpit.

  “I’ll be here as long as they let me.” Rowan smiled. Cassidy was grateful for her friendship, but she also longed beyond words to have Pierce by her side.

  “You know what really sucks? Even when this is all said and done, it’ll take about a week to get the path report. That means when I walk out of here today, I still won’t know if this is cancer.”

  Rowan sighed, her face echoing Cassidy’s despair for the first time that morning. “I know.”

  They were out of time to wallow and worry. A nurse in Tweety scrubs came out from behind the magical door and called Cassidy’s name. For a moment, she forgot she was in a children’s hospital. But the hall leading to the exam rooms adorned with balloon wallpaper and Dora the Explorer stickers added an almost comical twist to her fear. It was strange. In all her dreams, Cassidy found herself back in this same hospital, surrounded by sick children and balloon wallpaper, as if time had yielded to the terror too. This was as real as any bad dream.

  “Go ahead and change into this. We’ll be ready for you down in the OR shortly.” The nurse handed Cassidy an adult-sized gown, which surprised her. She wasn’t sure what she was expecting—a tiny, pediatric johnny with Tweety Bird to match the nurse’s scrubs that barely covered her breasts? She shook her head and chuckled at herself, forgetting that Rowan was still in the room with her. “Oh, and your friend needs to stay in the waiting room.”

  “Are you going to be okay?” Rowan asked.

  “Sure.” It was nothing more than an automated response, like a prerecorded message. Cassidy can’t answer you honestly right now, but this is what she’s supposed to say. The fear that had been simmering in her on a steady, low heat suddenly flashed over, bringing with it all the sadness and longing and regret she’d forced down. The bright white of the sterile room intensified to almost blinding, and the sounds of the world outside the room blunted to a dull hum. A surprising vat of tears Cassidy had not known were waiting spilled out like a desert rain, flooding the gown that still sat folded on her lap.

  “Cass?”

  “Rowan.” Consumed by panic, Cassidy grabbed both Rowan’s hands, squeezing them so tight the tips of her fingers blanched. “I need you to go find Pierce.”

  “What? Really?”

  “Yes. I can’t do this without her. I was an idiot to think I could.” Cassidy was as surprised as Rowan appeared to be by the words leaving her mouth. But as she said them, a sense of reprieve embraced her, and she forgot why she’d been pushing so hard.

  “I…okay. I’ll call her right now.”

  “Thank you. And tell her…tell her I’m sorry…I’m so sorry.”

  Chapter Twenty-one

  The door closed briskly behind Rowan. It was only a matter of minutes before the nurse came back to take Cassidy to the OR, but she didn’t want to
go without talking to Pierce, without making things right. Of all the time she’d spent analyzing how to cast Pierce aside to spare her heart, it took only a single second for Cassidy to decide she’d made a terrible mistake. Sometimes love isn’t logical. And it’s almost certainly never safe. Pierce was willing to take this risk on her, and she needed to take it on Pierce. Cassidy only hoped she wasn’t too late.

  Two minutes later, Rowan returned.

  “Well? Is she coming?” Cassidy was still wiping tears away.

  “She didn’t answer, Cass. I’m sorry…”

  “She must be at work or something. I need her to know I’m here. Please, Rowan. Do something.”

  The gentle, familiar knock of Dr. Lucas Hedges interrupted Cassidy’s pleas.

  “How’s my favorite patient?” Dr. Hedges’s usual calming presence did little to ease Cassidy’s inner battle.

  “I’m okay.” Cassidy knew her bloodshot eyes and tear-streaked cheeks said otherwise. “Is it possible to wait just a little longer? Even fifteen minutes?”

  “Sorry, kiddo. OR schedule’s pretty tight today. You’ll be fine though. This is no sweat.”

  Cassidy nodded solemnly, but the panic had consumed her.

  “I’ll see you in there.” Dr. Hedges smiled and left the room.

  “You have to find her.” Cassidy’s eyes welled again, and her breath came in short, petrified gasps until her fingers tingled and began to go numb. “Please.” She breathed faster still. “Find her. I need Pierce here.”

  “Hey. Hey, look at me, okay?” Rowan took Cassidy’s face in her hands and forced her blurry gaze onto Rowan. She’d never had a panic attack before, but this was one. In time she’d probably feel foolish, even downright stupid, for something so small eliciting such a weak response. But in the minute, logic had vanished. The world was closing in around her, and she wanted to crawl the walls, gouge her way out with her fingernails, not just of this room but of this life, of this moment in time. Cassidy understood the oft-described need to crawl out of her own skin. A claustrophobia unlike any she’d ever known had locked her in, the fear building and building with nowhere to escape.

  Cassidy couldn’t respond. She couldn’t speak. Consciousness seemed to be slipping steadily away from her, although she knew that wasn’t possible.

  “You’re hyperventilating. Just breathe with me. In…” Rowan took a long, slow breath, gesturing the movement of her diaphragm with her hands. “And out.”

  Cassidy focused on Rowan’s strong face, breathing with her until her hands regained feeling and the room stopped swirling around her. “I’m okay.” She took in one more deep breath. “I’m okay. But please, Ro. Try to find Pierce?”

  The Tweety Bird nurse reentered the exam room. “Time to go.”

  Cassidy couldn’t tell whether her curt tone was personal, but she was too distraught to care. Where was Pierce?

  “I’ll try, okay? I promise. I’ll try my hardest. You’re going to be fine.” Rowan squeezed Cassidy’s hand she was sure was as frigid as ice and walked out.

  * * *

  Work had been a godsend for Pierce. That was, when Cassidy wasn’t there. Thankfully, Pierce had to stomach only that one encounter so far. Otherwise, Cassidy had been oddly absent. Still, all it had taken was that one exchange, that one glance, to send Pierce into a tailspin. What tiny modicum of progress she’d made, which, admittedly wasn’t much, had been blown to pieces when she looked at Cassidy again. And then, when Cassidy had reached out and touched her, Pierce wondered if she’d ever be okay again.

  But she would be. She had to be. She had no other option. The morning in the ER had been fast-paced and high-stakes—exactly how Pierce liked her shifts. It wasn’t even ten a.m. yet, and she’d already intubated a woman with heart failure, had a psych patient call her a “cunt,” and a consulting cardiologist chastise her. Things had settled down only a little as Pierce worked on placing a central line on a young man in Room 4 with sepsis. Her sterile field was pristine, and she’d managed not to snag the line on any major structures on her way in. All in all, a success considering she didn’t get to do the procedure very often. After securing the wires, Pierce pulled off one glove then the other, tossing them gracefully in the trash and swooping her hands up in an Alley-Oop. She left the room, tugging at her paper gown and mask. The halls were full, and the background clatter was as high as ever. But Pierce saw Galen standing at the reception desk immediately.

  “What are you doing here?” Pierce recognized the apprehension on her face. It wasn’t a look Galen wore often, or well.

  “It’s Cassidy. She’s in the hospital.”

  Pierce closed the remaining few feet of space between them, pulling close to Galen’s side. “What? Is she okay?”

  “Yes. And no. She’s going to have to explain it to you. But she needs you there. She’s over at Children’s Hospital.”

  Pierce was too confused, had far too many questions circulating through her brain to ask anything else.

  “Can you get someone to cover for you?” Clearly, Pierce had been staring blankly at Galen.

  “Uh…Yeah. Yeah, of course. Hang on.”

  Margot was documenting on a computer in the corner. “Margot. Can you cover for me? Something’s happened to Cassidy. She’s in the hospital. I’ll be back as soon as I can. I promise.”

  “Is she okay?” Margot stood from her chair.

  “I’m not sure.”

  “Yes! Go! I’ll take care of everything here.”

  “Thank you.” Pierce patted Margot on the shoulder and chased Galen, who was already sprinting toward the exit.

  The Children’s Hospital was directly next door to Boston City, a long, poorly lit tunnel connecting the two. Pierce’s heart bounded as she struggled to keep pace with Galen. She still didn’t know what was happening, and as much as Pierce had tried, Galen had disclosed little additional information since her arrival. All Pierce really knew was that Cassidy was in the hospital—the Children’s Hospital, for whatever reason—and Rowan had frantically sent Galen down to get her when Pierce didn’t answer her phone. Her mind outraced her footsteps, bringing a million different scenarios, none of which seemed quite right. An accident made the most sense. But why would she be at Children’s Hospital and not Boston City? If she really was all right, why hadn’t she called Pierce herself? The answers would come, but not soon enough for Pierce’s liking.

  After what felt like an endless sprint, Pierce and Galen finally arrived in the lobby.

  “Will you please tell me what’s going on?” Pierce pleaded with Galen as they stood, panting, waiting for the elevator doors to open.

  “Cassidy will explain everything. All I can tell you is that she’s okay. She just really needs you to be here.”

  Pierce groaned at Galen’s once-again maddeningly vague response, but before she could protest more, the elevator stopped on the eighth floor. Pierce wasn’t familiar with the Children’s Hospital at all. She’d walked by it a million times but had never actually stepped foot in the place. Only the signs up above them reading Pre-op Area and OR Suites offered any clarity.

  “She’s in the OR? Oh my God!” Pierce’s prior reassurance suddenly fell to the ground in a heap, and panic flashed over in a sickening heat. “Someone better tell me what’s going on right now, Galen.”

  Galen placed her hand on Pierce’s shoulder as they walked down the corridor. “It’s going to be fine. I promise.”

  * * *

  The OR was every bit as frigid and alien as Cassidy remembered. It was strange. She’d stepped foot in the OR a hundred times before as a medical student. But this time, being the one wheeled through on the gurney, felt like the first. Or the second, actually. The first had occurred at age fourteen. Her first lymph-node biopsy. Her first fight with the devil. Cassidy was fully awake when the nurse stomped the brake on the bed. They’d offered her some Ativan to help her relax, but she’d refused. The procedure was simple. A tiny needle would inject local anesthetic around the
site, and a scalpel would painlessly carve out the petulant mass.

  It wasn’t the biopsy that bothered Cassidy. She could do needles and incisions and the like all day, if need be. It was what came after the biopsy that terrorized her. It was what had launched her into a full-fledged panic attack, crying out for Pierce without the slightest hesitation. Pierce. God, she wished Pierce was here with her. Even knowing she was in the waiting room would have given her the last bit of hope she needed to get through this.

  “Are you ready, Cassidy?” The general surgeon working with Dr. Hedges, whose name Cassidy didn’t have time to process, was a serious man with a swath of salt-and-pepper hair on a handsome, chiseled face.

  “Sure. Go ahead.”

  The lidocaine bit like a dozen tiny bee stings, but the pain was a welcome distraction from the feelings that were once again threatening to rise up and out through Cassidy’s eyes. A single tear collected in the corner, sticking to her lashes for only a moment before falling helplessly to the ground.

  * * *

  The entire surgery, which Cassidy couldn’t even bring herself to call a surgery, was done in twenty minutes. Once she was bandaged and her blood pressure was rechecked one more time, Cassidy was wheeled out of the OR suite. She tried to refuse the wheelchair but was told it was hospital policy. Now that the entire ordeal was complete, Cassidy felt more foolish than ever. Except the ever-looming darkness was still very much here, and she wouldn’t be truly free until the monster was dead and gone.

  “By the way, I think you may have some visitors.” It was the first hint of friendliness Tweety Bird scrubs had alluded to all day.

  People? Cassidy figured Rowan would be waiting for her. But hadn’t she just said “visitors”? As in more than one? Cassidy tried hard not to get her hopes up as they rounded the corner and passed through the door, which, she found, was far less ominous going through in that direction.