But he didn’t miss the crestfallen look in her eyes when he purposely steered the mood between them to a lighter note. Son of a bitch, hitting his fist against the tile he stared at the wasted water draining down the silver drain at his feet, she could have been his and that made him an idiot—plain and simple.
Chapter 14
With every passing day since that night on the roof, their relationship progressed further and further from the moment she stared up at him with a sensual curiosity only a woman could possess. Now he was in utter hell, something far worse than he could've imagined. Hell, Jax would've rather have their contemptuous fighting again rather than to dwell in this icy tundra of—the friend zone.
Her bleached smiles and complementary laughter chipped away at his waning control. This was not what he wanted. He wanted her breathless beneath him, her arms around him, shocked gasps as he enjoyed the taste of her, not whatever this frozen shit-hole was.
"Man, you were right about the library," stomping off her boots on the porch, Alessia followed him inside the cabin. Lining her boots neatly next to his, she scanned the room until she found Whiskers peeking out from under his bed across the room. "All of their books are positively ancient."
Jax didn't have to say anything as he sat on the couch, waiting as she piled the books she did manage to find on the table. Since that night on the roof, Jax found that he didn't have to say much anymore, nor could he even if he wanted to. Alessia filled every available empty space between them with nervous chatter.
"I told the guy who runs it, Mr. Hersh…Mr. Hershan..an…" She struggled to recall, as she finally sat down next to him.
Okay, good, at least she was seated now, Jax thought with a grimace. Unlike the past few days, it seemed every few minutes she was up moving, cleaning, or just fiddling with something all in an effort not to be too close to him. It was driving him crazy. Was she nervous, or did she really not want to risk feeling something again with him?
“It’s Hershenhorn,” he corrected dryly.
“Oh yeah, that’s it, well what I was telling him was,” leaning back on the armrest next to her, she pulled her feet up as she scooped up the kitten to her lap. Looking at him over her pulled up knees, she quickly launched back into her story. “He should contact some of the major libraries and large-scale secondhand book chains for possible donations to freshen up his inventory.”
Jax was starting to make it an inner game to see how long he could stare at her and count the times she averted her eyes from his gaze. "And why would Hershenhorn go through all that effort for a town that hardly uses the library?"
Her smile became wicked is one of her dark eyebrows arched proudly. "Well, that's what he said, but I said," holding up one finger as her eyes narrowed at his with barely contained excitement. "He should team up with the local bed and breakfast hotel and do a yearly writer's conference or a book retreat. Because I have been chatting with a few of my followers, and they love the pictures I have taken and the town's description. Some of them have been saying it sounds like the perfect place for a quiet retreat. And you know what?"
She was far too hyped up on her own story and burgeoning idea to actually need a response from him, but he lifted an eyebrow in silent acknowledgment anyways.
“I found some other similar places that do the same thing, even up here in the Pacific Northwest and I really think it could be something.”
The hopeful, happy look she was giving him as she waited for his opinion was probably the most dangerous weapon that could ever be used against him, he thought. Giving her an approving nod, he reached out and stroked underneath Whiskers' chin, who had slipped off her lap and climbed up and over her knees.
“And you and Hershenhorn discussed all of this while I ran to the post office?”
“Yeah, well it was that or talk about why I’m in town or the weather,” she rolled her eyes and let her head flop onto the sofa back. “And I had a feeling that was where he was going to take the conversation if I didn’t take the lead.”
“You mean like how you and I talked about the snow the entire trip up to town?” He pointed out matter-of-factly, as he let the kitten hop to the floor.
Alessia froze, before shifting in her seat. Jax could practically see her thoughts churning in guilt at the accusation.
"Well, it was a valid conversation, in my opinion," she defended. "I don't know if snow in the forests of Oregon is any different from snow in Washington."
“Mmm,” he made a noncommittal noise, enjoying the way it only riled her defensiveness even more.
“And besides,” clearly not giving up yet. “I sleep a few feet under your metal roof, so I think it only makes sense that…”
“Alessia,” he interrupted. With his arms spread across both directions along the back of the sofa, she was only a few inches from his left hand. He resisted the urge to grab her by her silky hair and pull her across his lap.
“Yes,” she answered softly, all the confidence she had seconds ago as she argued evaporated. She stared at him with those wide eyes that made him want to react without forethought and to touch without asking.
“Do I make you feel uncomfortable?”
Straightening in her seat, she hugged her knees tight to her chest. "No, of course not," she breathed deeply. "No, Jax, you… You make me feel the opposite, actually," she whispered.
Throwing caution aside, Jax turned in his seat towards her, leaning in closer.
“Good, because you know I won’t ever do anything you won’t like, right?” Jax could hear the roughness to his own voice as his eyes were drawn to her lips. Slowly, she sucked in her bottom lip and nervously worried it between her teeth as she nodded.
Wanting more from her, Jax's body felt like a magnet drawing closer to her on the sofa. Dropping his hand down from the sofa's back, he let it boldly find her waist. Jax could feel the small startled jump ripple through her as the heat from her soft flesh seared gloriously through his hand.
“And if you do start to feel uncomfortable, you will tell me, right?”
The soft noise of agreement as she nodded again felt like a gateway drug. He just wanted more now. He wanted to hear all the other little feminine noises she could make. Tightening his hand at her waist, he let it ride up the gentle slope of her hot flesh, ignoring the arcs of electricity, the intimate gesture was sending through his veins.
Edging on the line of no return, he forced himself to continue as he leaned even closer. Her bent legs that had been used as a shield slowly unfolded and laid across his lap, giving him full access. With both hands, Jax pulled Alessia closer until she was face-to-face with him. Brushing some of the hair from her face, Jax restrained himself from leaning in to pull at her bottom lip she continued to torture with his own teeth.
"I want you to understand that from this moment forward, I won't hesitate," his blood sang as he watched her breath catch at his words. "And I won't pull away unless you make it clear to me you want me to stop, okay?”
His own breathing increased when she nodded, putting both hands on his shoulders. “Yes, Jax.”
Watching her, Jax watched her eyes drop from his eyes to his mouth. He would let her take the lead. He would let her set the speed, he droned the instructions in his head, praying that his body would listen. Watching her lips part, she gave him another wide-eyed stare filled with sensual curiosity that was surely going to be the end of him.
A desperate mewling cut through the air.
Both of them looked down to see Whiskers staring at them. His front two paws were braced against Jax’s jeans. Blinking a few more times he opened his mouth to let out an even louder demand.
"Have you, by chance, fed the little one?" He carefully asked.
Shaking her head, Alessia gave him a sheepish smile. “I guess I should probably do that.”
Sliding her arms from around his shoulders, Jax suppressed a groan of disappointment. “Yes, that will probably be best before the little guy passes out from starvation.”
~*~
It had been an hour since they both laid down for the night, and Jax was still awake. Staring at the ceiling of the loft above him, he just laid there listening to the subtle occasional groans from the cabin as the winter wind howled outside. On the opposite wall from his bed, Jax stared past his chest out the window. Since the cabin was dark, save for the small glow from the heater's grate, he could see the snow-covered trees outside perfectly. The moon was bright and reflected off the heavy white snow clinging to the branches and blanketing the ground, brightening the winter night.
Shifting on the bed, Jax propped his head up with one bent arm behind his head. Not for the first time since laying down, his thoughts returned to earlier that night. After their "talk," both of them silently skirted the topic for the remainder of the evening. Jax wanted Alessia to feel comfortable to feel safe around him, above all, he wanted her trust. And if that meant holding back on every instinct that shouted for him to pull her into his arms, so be it.
His eyes had been closed only for a few minutes when he heard the creak above him. Turning in the bed, he waited until he heard the sound again, this time followed by movement on the ladder near the end of his bed. Softly, bare feet padded carefully down the wooden rails until the shadowy figure stood by his bed. With her long hair down and loose, drifting around her waist, Alessia was dressed in her oversized pajamas; Jax had to mentally check to be sure this wasn't one of his dreams. He knew she couldn't see his face in the darkness, so Jax just remained silent, curious where this would go. For what felt like minutes, she stood there shifting on her feet, and though he couldn't see the details of her face either in the dark, he could see her hands nervously fidgeting with the fabric of her flannel pants.
Finally, she whispered. “Jax.”
The call was so soft, if he hadn’t been awake, he doubted if he would have even heard it.
Shifting in the bed, he sat up. “What’s wrong?”
He could tell without even seeing her face clearly that his sudden movement startled her.
“Well… it’s just that I-I’m cold and…”
Shit, he didn't even think about the fact that the snow was currently piling up right now on the tin roof a few feet above her head. Pulling back his own covers with a swoosh, he swung his legs out of bed. "Fuck, baby, I'm sorry, let me…
“No!” Both of her hands reached out and pressed at his shoulders. Closer now, they could both make out each other’s faces in the deep shadows. “No, I didn’t want you to get up… I wanted…to…”
Her knees were touching his in this position, reminding him how close she was. He wanted to reach out and cup her curving hips, to pull her close and bury his face in her breasts.
“I want to sleep with you tonight,” she blurted loudly into the quiet air.
A piercing silence went off his ears.
“What did you say?”
“Oh God,” she whispered in a groan, her hands immediately pulling away from his shoulders. “I feel really stupid.”
Feeling her begin to step back, Jax’s hand shot up to her waist and held her firmly in place. “Clarify,” he growled in demand.
She shifted in his hold, but he only tightened his grip.
“I just wanted to sleep next to you tonight,” she answered. He didn’t have to see her face clearly to pick up the embarrassment.
To sleep. To “just” sleep. To just sleep, “next to him." His mind slowly processed her words, breaking them down to the very basics. Oh, he understood now. She meant to watch him die a slow, cruel death by her side. Because after a night sleeping like that, that was as sure as shit what was going to happen.
Jax couldn’t trust himself to actually say anything in response. Pulling at her waist, he let his forehead rest on her stomach.
"Jax?" Her hands tentatively stroked through his hair, and Jax released a pleased groan.
“That feels good,” closing his eyes he enjoyed the feeling for a few more precious seconds.
Lifting his head, he looked at her, taking note of the array of emotions crossing through her eyes. Despite the nervous self-doubt, he could see a touch of need shining through. Tightening his grip around her waist, he lifted her off the ground.
“Jax,” he ignored her startled gasp and focused on the feeling of her hands clutching at his shoulders as he swung her onto the bed. Setting her on the empty spot near his side of the bed, the side pressed against the wall, he returned back to the spot and turned on to his side to face her.
“You could have just scooted over,” she said as she tried tugging at the covers beneath her to get underneath them.
Not saying anything, Jax just helped her pull out and arrange the covers until he could feel the heat of her body next to his as she settled within them. Moonlight from the window near the foot of the bed allowed just enough ambient light for him to see her fists clutching at the top of the comforter pulled around her chest. He could swear he could feel a slight tremble coming off of her.
“Are you cold?” Even as he asked, he was already layering the blankets on top of her.
"N-no, I'm just nervous," she stammered honestly.
“Don’t be,” he whispered. “Turnover and face the wall for me.”
Stillness lingered between them as she hesitated. Slowly, she cautiously turned her side, laying stiffly facing the wall as instructed. Jax could feel the coiled energy rippling through her as she waited with held breath. Settling deeper into the mattress behind her, Jax carefully slipped one arm over and around her soft stomach, sending tremors across her body.
“Are you scared?” His voice was thick with emotion. There was a primal part of him and maybe even a bit savage that responded to her nervous trembling. It was shameful to admit. “You know I won’t do anything you don’t…”
“No, it’s not that,” her hand closed over his, bringing his arm tighter around her waist. "I'm not scared of you, Jax, just nervous."
Letting his head rest on her shoulder, he nodded. He understood, but the revelation did little to help his cause. Every instinct inside of him roared to life at her admission. She didn’t fear him, she didn’t even fear “this” between them, she was just feeling natural apprehension. Pulling her closer, Jax bit down a groan as he melded her soft body to his, tucking her into his chest. The fresh scent of her silky soft hair glided under his nose as his hand and forearm set centimeters under her breasts.
“All you have to do is tell me what you want, baby, and I’ll do it.” He whispered into her ear from behind. “And if it’s something you don’t want, just tell me so I can make sure it never happens. You’re in control.”
Jax could feel her heart thumping against his forearm. Visions of turning her over and pushing her shirt up just to the line of her nipples and kissing the area of her thrashing heart haunted him. He was going to have to pull his hips away from her ass soon if he kept this thinking up.
"If I told you I want you to hold me all night, just like this, would you?"
“Honestly, I had no intentions of letting you go.”
“Good,” her arm covering his tightened. “Please don’t let go. I don’t ever want you to let go.”
They lay there for minutes, neither one speaking. Jax could hear her breathing steady and felt her heart rate returned to normal. He knew she was awake because he felt her continuous stroking at the hairs on his forearm.
Eventually, she spoke. "Just before the last time I ran off to a shelter, I was attacked by Gary."
Closing his eyes, Jax commanded every nerve in his body to obey. He did not flinch or stiffen, he demanded utter stillness from himself as he listened.
"I only had morning classes that day and got home early. When I got home, the trailer was empty, so I figured I would take a q
uick shower before anyone got home," she explained. "But as I was getting out of the shower, Gary kicked in the bathroom door."
Jax’s blood felt as if it was surging through his veins, his whole body felt hot with rage.
"He pinned me against the shower wall and stuck his fingers inside of me," her voice sounded smaller and smaller as she explained until she was practically whispering. "Thankfully, the sound of my mom's car pulling up stopped him from going further. He slammed my head against the wall and told me not to say anything, and then he left," she took a deep, shaky breath. "That was when I decided to try the shelter one last time, but Gary dragged me back home. I just decided to leave at that point.”
The piercing silence from earlier returned, ringing in his ears but it was somehow much louder this time, deafening even. For the first time in a long time, Jax could hear his own rage, he could feel it course through him like a violent wave.
At All Cost: A Mountain Man Romance Page 12