In Too Deep (Winter Games Book 4)

by Dr. Rebecca Sharp

  I shouldn’t want this, but I did.

  And as was my problem in life, I continued to toe the line—seeing how far I could dig myself into a situation before I had to get out of it.

  With Tammy, my next words didn’t matter; I was already in that hole way too deep.

  “If you’re sure,” I said, pulling her body against mine. “I think Lila and I would really enjoy that.”

  “If I could but know his heart, everything would become easy.”

  —Jane Austen, Sense & Sensibility

  I CLOSED MY BOOK AS we pulled across the border into Wyoming. I told Nick that I wanted to leave in the morning and that meant he was at my apartment with his truck, Lila fast-asleep in the back seat, at seven-thirty. Putting my parent’s address into the navigation, I had to admit that I was glad he offered to drive; I was feeling the effects of my medication today and the chemo from yesterday which added to my anxiety.

  My mom was surprised when I called last night to tell her that I was bringing ‘a friend’ and his daughter with me to visit and to Mitchell’s party. She didn’t ask any of the questions that I heard brimming in her voice, and I had a feeling it was because of my warning the other day; she knew something was wrong.

  She probably thought I was pregnant.

  I winced; she couldn’t be more wrong.

  “You sure this is ok?” Nick asked quietly. Lila was awake, but sitting calmly in the back seat watching Finding Dory again on her iPad; the girl was obsessed.

  “Yeah. My family’s motto is pretty much: ‘the more, the merrier.’ By the end of the weekend, my mom will probably be calling you by one of my brother’s names—or, if you’re really lucky, she’ll just be saying ‘Hey, you!’” I said with a smile. “When you’ve got eight kids, you’re always prepared for a crowd.”

  He laughed, his smile spreading wide over his face. The farther away we got from Aspen, the more relaxed he seemed to become.

  Aside from the slight yellow-green halo on his left cheekbone, all the other traces of his fight with Stone had disappeared.

  He turned again and asked, “Why did you move to Aspen?”

  I darted my eyes to him and then looked back out the window at the flat plains framed by mountains.

  “I wanted to go to our high school to learn to ski.” I rubbed my hands together. “I also wanted to get away. Which sounds horrible because I love my family. I spent most of my time being the responsible one, taking care of my siblings, and helping out on the ranch.” I laughed to myself. “I know it doesn’t sound like much has changed since I moved, but I guess Aspen always held the possibility for something different.”

  “How many siblings do you have again?”

  “Seven.” I laughed when he whistled. “Lizzy, James, Kat, Easton, Mitchell, Jenny, and Trevor; Trevor is just a little older than Lila. I’m sure she’ll have a great time.” I counted them off on my fingers like there was a chance I could forget one.

  “And it’s his birthday?”

  “No.” I laughed again. “It’s Mitchell’s birthday.”

  “How do you keep them all straight?”

  “You don’t,” I answered honestly.

  We both chuckled before drifting back into silence, approaching the entrance to the Lucas Ranch less than an hour later.

  “Tammy!”

  The half-mile-long driveway up to my family’s massive ranch house was long enough for everyone to hear us coming. They couldn’t hear the car, but there were two pastures that ran along both sides of the drive and the horses liked to race ahead of arriving vehicles, announcing their arrival.

  I’d barely opened the car door before I saw the masses rushing toward me. Kat and Jenny were running, Easton, Trevor, and Mitchell walking swiftly behind them so as to not seem too excited to see their oldest sister. Lizzy followed them all with a soft smile on her face; she’d been the one to step into my position when I left.

  I broke into laughter as they mobbed me. Thank goodness skiing had preserved my leg strength or I would have been a goner. It took several minutes for me to make it through hugging and greeting all of them.

  “Who’d you bring, Tam?” Easton drawled, eyeing up Nick as he walked around the other side of the truck. Easton was fifteen and had a teenage chip on his shoulder. He was a good kid, but he was still a teen even though he tried to act just as mature as James; James was our resident seventeen-going-on-thirty-seven.

  “Nick Frost,” Nick said and extended his hand to my younger brother, treating his question as seriously as it had been uttered. “Nice to meet you.”

  Easton hesitantly gripped his hand and the two shook. “Easton Lucas.”

  “Nice boots, Easton. You’ll have to tell me where I can get a pair of those,” Nick offered with a smile, eyeing the embroidered cowboy boots as he opened the back door to the truck to get Lila out of her car seat.

  And just like that, Nick had found my younger brother’s weakness—his love of cowboy boots. Easton was a rancher and a cowboy through-and-through. If I were a gambler, I’d bet that he would be the one to take over the ranch as my parents got older.

  Nick set Lila on her feet and I watched my shy little girl grip her daddy’s hand and partially hide behind his legs.

  I bent down to talk to her.

  “Lila, remember all my brothers and sisters that I told you about?” I asked softly with a warm smile. “Well, they’re all here and they’d love to meet you.”

  She hesitated for a second before reaching for my hand. I introduced her to the seven new faces that were staring at her. Just like I expected, Kat and Jenny gushed over her like I’d brought them a baby-doll to play with—and Lila ate it up.

  Barely a few minutes later, they each held one of her little hands and were tugging her off to pet all of the ponies along with Trevor, Mitchell, and Easton, who insisted that he needed to supervise. Poor Nick. When we got back to Aspen, he was going to wish that Lila was still asking for a pet fish; I had a feeling that a pet pony would be her next obsession.

  James and Lizzy helped carry our bags inside. The sprawling ranch house was necessary to accommodate the number of people who lived in it and it still felt too small—yet perfectly cozy.

  My mom appeared on the wide front porch as we got up to it, wiping her hands on her apron.

  “Tamsin!” she exclaimed and pulled me into her arms. “My babygirl.”

  My heart sighed into her embrace. There are certain things in life that are necessary to reassure that everything is going to be ok; hugs from Eva Lucas were one of them. She could heal the world with her hugs—and if she had the opportunity, she would.

  “You must be Nick,” she said, pulling back from me to greet him with a warm and welcoming smile.

  “Pleasure to meet you, ma’am,” he said and reached out his hand.

  She playfully swatted his hand away with a ‘pfft’ and pulled him in for a hug. “We hug around here, Nick; it looks like Tammy didn’t warn you.” She pulled back and pointed a finger at him. “And don’t call me ma’am. Makes me feel old—and I have eight kids, I don’t need any help in that department. I probably won’t answer to Eva either since no one else here calls me that, so your best bet is to just call me ‘Ma’ or ‘Mom’ like the rest of these rascals.”

  It was true. Anyone who came to visit us—family, friends, neighbors—called Eva Lucas, ‘Ma.’

  “I can do that, Ma,” he obliged with that bone-melting smile of his.

  Hearing Nick say it though caused all the butterflies in my stomach to flutter like they were performing a synchronized dance.

  “Oh my,” she sighed—giving me an eye that said she had an idea just what that smile of Nick’s could do to a girl. We followed her into the house. “I hope y’all are hungry. Dad is grilling up some steaks tonight. I’m starting the red sauce for spaghetti and meatballs tomorrow—Trevor’s—Mitchell’s favorite.” She chucked and put a hand over her forehead. “One of these days, I’ll get these dang kids straight.”

>   “Do you want some help?” I asked.

  “Oh no. Maybe tomorrow. Why don’t you two get settled and then go find your father. He’s out by the north pasture fixing the fence, Tam, if you want to take Nick for a ride out there.”

  “Thanks, Mom,” I said with a smile, reaching for and squeezing her hand.

  “Of course, honey.” She smiled, turning to the left to head back into the kitchen. “We’ll chat later.”

  “I can’t picture you working on a ranch,” Nick teased, glancing over to me as we hobbled along the trail behind the barn up to the north pasture.

  “I can’t picture you knowing how to ride a horse,” I returned with a smile, shocked at the ease with which he sat on Bluebell. Granted, she was the tamest horse that ever existed probably because she was also the oldest horse we owned; she’d been around the block with new riders more times than I could count.

  I soaked in the sight of him wondering how he’d gone from sexy snowboarder to gorgeous cowboy without any difficulty. He was dangerous the way he could fit right in, especially the way he fit in all the pieces of me.

  Nick sat on top of Bluebell, his dark jeans pulled even tighter on his legs, his plaid button-down with the sleeves rolled up to his elbows and a confident smile on his face. All he needed was one of Easton’s cowboy hats and he would’ve looked like he belonged here more than I did.

  Meanwhile, I’d worn an older, looser pair of jeans knowing I was going to end up on a horse within an hour of arriving here. Topped with a comfy tee, button-up cardigan, and light outer jacket… well, let’s just say that Jessa and Ally would be disappointed that I’ve given up my attempt at alluring attire within two days of starting it.

  One day I’d bring them up here and show them what ranch-sexy really meant: clothes that are easy to get dirty and even easier to get off. My cheeks heated. Ever since we’d slept together, I found myself hungry for more. One more touch. One more taste.

  He sighed loudly, breaking my train of thought. “You’re lucky.”

  I glanced to him, waiting for an explanation.

  “Your family is wonderful. Warm. Welcoming.” He stared off at the mountains and I could hear the wistfulness in his tone, and it made my heart ache. “My dad was like that. The fancy gold shit was all Jane, but the big house was all my dad’s idea. All of our houses… his houses… were like that. He loved having people over—family over, friends over; he always knew how to throw a party.”

  I sat silently on Maverick, the dappled grey that my mom had picked up a few years ago to save her from slaughter, and listened to the first happy memories of his family that I’d ever heard.

  “The week before my twelfth birthday, my private school class took a field trip to Big Brothers, Big Sisters in Denver. I mean, we hardly did anything with these kids—talked, played some basketball—and they were so excited and so grateful. This one kid, Adam, was only seven. I was just talking to him about my birthday and how I was having a party. He didn’t understand why I was having a party; he’d never had a birthday party before.”

  The north pasture blurred in my vision as tears welled in my eyes. I knew that story well. After watching my parents foster and then adopt so many of my siblings it was impossible to not learn about the kinds of lives that some of those kids came from. I looked down, my hand unconsciously rubbing Maverick’s neck, reaching for his strength to soothe me.

  “I came home traumatized and told my dad what happened. I was a stupid rich kid up until that moment. My dad hugged me and explained that not everyone is lucky to be loved, to have a loving family. I asked him if it was like that for all of them, of course. He didn’t know, but he said it was probable. I said I wished that I could throw them all a birthday party because everyone deserves a birthday party.”

  He let out a hoarse chuckle that tried to hide how emotional the memory made him.

  “The day that my party rolled around, there was a knock on the door and my dad told me it was for me. When I opened it, every kid from Big Brothers, Big Sisters was there waiting; he’d invited them all for me. So, I shared my birthday party with thirty other kids. He got cakes and gifts for them all. I’ll never forget the looks on their faces.”

  Tears were streaming down my face, the soft breeze blowing them back into my hair. I didn’t dare wipe them away because I didn’t want him to see—or to stop talking about his dad.

  “He has a big family. One day, I want Lila to meet all of them. Hopefully sooner rather than later,” he said softly, his gaze dropping. “I wish Lila could have met him.”

  We approached the gate to the pasture, and I saw my dad turn from the other end of the field to look at us.

  “I’ve worked with a lot of kids,” I began softly, “and what I’ve… noticed… is that, among other things, kids have this amazing ability to see things that somehow become invisible to the adult eye. Maybe it’s imagination, maybe it’s an untainted fountain of faith, but I think that kids are able to see with the heart. They are able to see other things… people who are no longer with us… because they can see with love.” I glanced nervously over at him, his jaw tightening at my words. He looked at me with eyes that must be crystal for how clear they were.

  “I never met him, but I feel like I just did. And I know if you tell Lila about him like you just told me, she will get to know him, too. I have no doubt that he would have loved Lila.” A small smile crept across my face. “Who wouldn’t?”

  That brought a grin to his face. But it was the look in his eyes that stole my breath. Thankfully, the breeze blew that breath away before he realized it was more than just air he’d stolen from my chest. And then my dad’s booming, rancher’s voice jerked my focus back to earth. For a moment, I’d been floating in the clouds.

  “Tam-girl!” A huge smile broke over his face.

  I didn’t bother to halt Maverick’s meandering pace before I hopped down from the saddle and ran into his open arms.

  “Oh, Daddy!” I hugged him tightly. “I missed you!”

  “Missed you, too, Tam-girl.” He sighed and hugged me back even as he said, “You’re going to be completely covered in dust and dirt. I’ve been out here all afternoon.”

  I chuckled. “I’ll survive.” For some reason, my OCD clean-freak genes were recessed when I came back home. “Dad, I want to introduce you to my… friend… Nick. You’ll meet his daughter, Lila, later. She’s already off with Kat and Jenny meeting the ponies.”

  Bluebell stopped herself, knowing that this was the end of our ride, and Nick carefully slid down her side.

  “Oh damn, son,” he chuckled and shook his head, extending his hand to shake Nick’s. “Hope you’re prepared to buy that little girl a horse when you leave here because I can guarantee you, she’ll be wanting one.”

  Nick laughed and shook my dad’s hand. “I’ll have to figure out a way to make that happen, then, I guess,” he mused. “Good to meet you, sir.”

  “Call me Jack, son. ‘Sir’ makes it sound like I’m in charge—and I live with four women; you are sorely mistaken if you think that I’m in charge of anything around here.” He winked over at me and we all laughed.

  My dad was a talker. He could sell ice to an Eskimo or manure back to a cow if given the chance. He immediately began to take us on a tour of the fence that he’d spent the past few hours repairing to keep the ‘damn coyotes’ out. I only half listened to the deep drawl of his voice as my eyes kept drifting back to Nick.

  His heart was just as big as his daughter’s—in spite of everything that had happened to it. In spite of everything he’d endured. It had changed him. It had hardened and hurt him. He’d made a lot of poor choices because of the damage. But when it came right down to it, he was still the boy who wanted to share his birthday with thirty other kids because he knew what it would mean to them.

  “So, what kind of friend of Tam’s are you, Nick?” My dad’s question jarred me from my thoughts.

  “Dad!” I exclaimed, punctuating it with a groan. “We shoul
d get back. Mom said you are grilling.”

  My father grinned conspiratorially at me and threw his arm around Nick’s wide shoulders. “I guess we’ll continue our little chat later, son.”

  I huffed and shook my head. I knew this was going to happen.

  How did I explain to my parents that Nick was only a friend with benefits? That for reasons—on both sides—becoming more than that was as unlikely as the sun rising in the West.

  “Alright. I’ll meet you kids back there. I rode the raptor out here.” He gave us a small wave and continued to head for the four-wheeler.

  “Sorry about that,” I murmured as I led us over to the fence to mount back up and begin the ride back to the house.

  “Priss.” Nick sent me a sideways grin that warmed me down to my toes. “I showed up to your parents’ house with my daughter. You better believe that I was expecting to have to answer that question at least one time this weekend.”

  “And what answer did you come up with?” The question was out before I could stop it, my heart beating like a drumroll waiting for the answer. “What am I?”

  My whole body took a snapshot of that moment—the warmth of the red setting sun, the cool fresh breeze, the complete silence of the plains.

  “You are my moon. You aren’t blinding or burning like the sun, instead you rise quietly and calmly, bathing everything around you in your beautifully soft glimmer; you are the bright, pure luminescence in the darkness of life. No matter what the day brings, at the end of it you are always there, always rising.”

  My heart was choking on its own beats. His words were so beautifully sad as we rode away from the sunset, the very moon he was talking about just beginning to show in the dusk.

  “You were going to tell my dad that I’m the moon?” I squeaked out a little breathless and a lot starry-eyed.