In Too Deep (Winter Games Book 4)

by Dr. Rebecca Sharp

  I crossed my legs on the couch, fidgeting with my hands until Jessa reached and grabbed for one of them, staying their agitation.

  “But now, I realize that it’s because what I feel for Nick is too much—too overwhelming—and like you said, I wasn’t sure if it was real,” I looked at Jessa, remembering her words wondering if this was all just a reaction to finding out about the cancer. “But my family is. My family is my litmus test for everything in this world. And seeing him with them—joking and… lassoing,” I chuckled and softly shook my head. “With my brothers, letting my sisters treat Lila like their own… My body has been through a lot of tests recently, but this was the only one where I was hoping it would come back positive—and it did.”

  I let out a small exhale in astonishment, still amazed by the words I was about to say.

  “And I’m positive that I am in love with Nick Frost.”

  My eyes shut and I waited for the squeals, the screams of excitement, and more questions. But there was nothing. Peeling my eyelids open, I hazarded a glace first at Jessa and then Ally. They sat in silence because happy tears were streaming down their faces.

  “Oh, Tam,” Jessa whispered with a watery voice. And then her arms wrapped tightly around me.

  “Cancer was only an accelerant. What I felt for him was always there, burning like a pilot light beneath the surface of my life. I tried to hide it, to bury it, to live through it. Cancer made me realize that I lose out on life—and love—when I try to make everything perfect first. Nothing is perfect in life and nothing is guaranteed.”

  “I’m so happy,” Ally gushed and then proceeded to burst into tears, wrapping her arms around me.

  I laughed gingerly, holding her, and then said, “Well, don’t be happy yet. I don’t know that he feels the same, especially with everything going on in his life…”

  “Babe, there is no way he doesn’t love you by this point,” Jessa replied, staring me down as she chugged the rest of her water. “After everything that’s happened between you two and now his going with you and meeting your parents and family. Yeah, no freakin’ way. He might not have a good home life situation right now, but there were a thousand other places he could have escaped to for the weekend before going home with you, if he didn’t feel just as seriously about you. He could have knocked on our door—again.” Her hand waved to Ally. “Or he could have gone to Emmett’s.”

  “I guess…” I agreed. She had a point.

  “But after all of this, I have to ask… does he know about your cancer? Your upcoming surgery?”

  Ally pulled back to look at me, keeping her arm around my shoulders.

  “No,” I confessed reluctantly. “I… was going to tell him in the barn after I told him he didn’t have to use… protection… but things got out of hand and I couldn’t. I couldn’t ruin something so good with something so bad.” I wiped away a stray tear that seemed to appear out of nowhere. “I have to tell him. I know. I’m going to this week. That’s not something I can let stand between us any longer.”

  “It’ll be okay,” she reassured me, knowing what was going through my mind.

  “I hope so.” I let out a watery laugh. “Nothing like worrying about whether or not someone loves you in the first place only to top that with whether they will still love you when they realize you can’t have children.”

  “But isn’t there a chance—”

  I cut Ally off, saying, “There is… a very small one; but I can’t hope on chance.”

  I may have lost my heart, but I couldn’t afford to lose my head—not when it came to this. And that meant I was going into my surgery in two weeks with the belief that I was going to come out of it completely and irrevocably infertile.

  “One day at a time, babe,” Jessa said in a soothing voice. “First thing to tackle is confirming how Nick feels about you. It’s tough and I remember for days… weeks… being completely convinced that Chance was only playing with my heart—that he was only out for revenge.”

  “Jess is right,” Ally agreed with a rapid nod. “For months, all I got from Emmett was that he could never be with me because of Chance, let alone in a committed relationship that would betray their friendship. Who was I to think that I was worth more than a life-long friendship?”

  “At some point,” Jessa continued. “And maybe you’ve already gotten there, you realize that you have to take the chance regardless of the outcome because to dare is to lose your footing momentarily; to not dare is to lose yourself entirely.”

  And all I thought was that everything I was, was already lost entirely to him.

  “I come here with no expectations, only to profess, now that I am at liberty to do so, that my heart is and always will be…yours.”

  —Jane Austen, Sense & Sensibility

  “ARE YOU OKAY, MAMMY?” LILA asked, coming over to me and putting her arm on my shoulder as I crouched down, trying to hide the fact that I was doubled-over in pain.

  “Yes, sweetheart.” My voice tight with the sharp burn that I felt in my stomach. “My tummy just hurts a little.”

  “Oh,” she said, her little face scrunching up. “Usually when my tummy hurts, it means I have to poop.”

  I laughed even though it made the pain worse. “Maybe I will try that.”

  She meandered back over to the blocks that we’d been assembling before I’d almost collapsed. “Where’s Daddy?”

  It had been a day and a half since we’d come back from the ranch but what happened between Nick and me in the barn had changed everything. Begrudgingly—angrily even—he’d let me go back to my apartment Sunday night, but only after extracting the promise from me that when I came back on Monday, I would bring a bag of clothes with me so that I didn’t have to leave again. It was the start of the promises between us.

  I winced as another wave of pain hit me.

  Thank goodness Nick wasn’t here right now. Yesterday, he’d stayed with us in the afternoon helping with Lila’s lessons—and distracting me. Spaghetti and meatballs along with Tangled rounded out the night for what I’d begun to think of as our pieced-together perfect little family. Lila asked to stay here last night, which meant that my tongue and lips were still sore and slightly swollen from biting on them to keep myself quiet while Nick took my body in ways I never could’ve imagined.

  I couldn’t stop the smile as I let a few of those moments—in the chair, on the floor—flit through my mind. It was during the movie last night that the pain had started—very intermittent at first, so I told myself that it was nothing. Plus, as soon as Nick’s hands touched my sex, I couldn’t have focused on the pain even if I tried. I was due for my period this week anyway, so that’s probably all it was. And sure enough, Aunt Flo arrived this morning—and the pain became exponentially worse.

  “He had to go see your uncles this afternoon about the new school.”

  He’d wanted to be with us this afternoon, he told me this morning. Well, he’d told the lower parts of me this morning… I’d just happened to overhear. But then Emmett had called and asked if he could come take a look at all of Ally’s final designs for the boards; she wanted his opinion. On top of that, Chance wanted to probe his brain on the best course of investments for the school to make as soon as they turned a profit.

  “Am I going to go to the new school?” Lila asked, taking the Lego airplane and flying it around in front of her.

  “Maybe when you’re older,” I answered and reached for my phone. My stomach did a flip noticing a message from Nick.

  NICK

  I’m going to kill Chance.

  TAMMY

  What? Why? What’s going on?

  NICK

  Because he talks too damn much and I’ve been dying to be back inside of you from the second I came out of you this morning.

  My eyes quickly flicked up to Lila who was still amusing herself with the Lego puzzle on the floor. Desire flushed through my body.

  TAMMY

  Don’t kill your best friend, please.

/>   My period came this morning. I’m not sure that you’ll want to rush back for that, anyway.

  NICK

  I don’t give a shit. I need to be inside of you. Period.

  I didn’t know whether to be excited or disgusted. No. I knew which I should be… and which one I was.

  My phone buzzed again.

  NICK

  I wish I could see your blush right now.

  TAMMY

  How do you know I’m blushing?

  NICK

  You always blush when I say dirty things to you. It’s why I do it.

  TAMMY

  Shouldn’t you be paying attention to Chance?

  NICK

  He knows I stopped really listening ten minutes ago when he told me he’s going to propose to Jessa.

  That time, I almost dropped my phone in surprise. Pure happiness bloomed in my chest.

  TAMMY

  Are you serious?

  NICK

  As serious as how wet and hungry that little pussy of yours is for me. So ready to eat my cock right up.

  My hand shot up to cover my mouth.

  NICK

  And you’re blushing again.

  See you soon, Priss.

  I needed to tell him. I needed to tell him tonight.

  “Finished?” I asked quietly after Priss took the last bite of chicken parm from her plate.

  She nodded, wiping her perfect mouth with her napkin, and I stood and quickly grabbed both of our dishes, clearing the kitchen counter before she got the fool idea that I was going to let her clean up after she’d already cooked.

  I could get used to this.

  No. Lie.

  I was already used to this—and it had only been what? Two fucking days?

  I was used to her not just in my daughter’s life—I’d heard about ‘Mammy’ every week since Lila had started at Open Hearts—but now, I was used to having her in my life. In my kitchen cooking dinner. On my couch watching a movie. In my bed screaming my name.

  I knew this was going to fucking happen. I knew it from the second that she’d knocked on my door that day that if I fucking let her inside, she would be inside of more than just my house—that I’d be letting her inside my life and my heart.

  Because that’s what happens when you open Pandora’s Box—you can’t rein that shit back in again.

  “Thank you,” she murmured behind me as I quickly scrubbed the dishes and threw them in the dishwasher next to the sink.

  “You cooked me dinner, Priss. It’s the least I can do.” I caught her eye over my shoulder and winked. “It’s the least I will do…”

  I swore, every time blood rushed to her face, it also rushed right to my cock.

  “Are you okay?” I asked, looking back at her again.

  She’d melted under my tongue when I’d come home and hauled her into my arms and up against the fridge. I’d been starved of her all day and it was the only thing I could do the second that I saw her standing in front of the stove, swaying slightly to the music that was only in her head, wearing tight ass—literally—yoga pants and one of my t-shirts. She smelled like olive oil and her lips tasted faintly of garlic—like she’d rubbed them with her fingers after chopping up a clove.

  I would have fucked her then, but she was in the middle of cooking—which, to clarify, I didn’t give a shit about; I would have ordered take-out if something burned. She insisted that she needed to make dinner with those scolding eyes of hers. But what I’d learned was that scolding me now meant that she would be scalding me later.

  The way she chewed on her lip was the same way she’d done earlier—like there were words in her mouth that she was chewing up and trying to spit out except they hadn’t gotten there yet.

  “Yeah, I’m fine.” She gave me a weak smile as I dried my hands

  Yeah, I was going to have to do something about that.

  “Period cramps?” I asked, moving closer to her and laughing as her eyes widened comically.

  “A little…” she murmured.

  “Let me take your mind off of them,” I rasped and hoisted her into my arms.

  She still gasped like the first time. I hoped she would always gasp like it was the first time.

  Her legs wrapped around me, putting my dick right up against where it wanted to be. Latching my lips onto her neck, I carried her upstairs. God, I’d hold her forever like this if it meant that I could keep her. She was like ivy around my body—long, lean legs and toned arms, clinging to me, hiding me from the shit in my world by consuming me in hers.

  I kicked the door shut behind us, spinning to pin her up against it and reclaim her mouth. My tongue mimicked my hips as they ground against her. I wanted to make her soak through her yoga pants.

  Hell, I wanted to ruin every goddamn piece of clothing that she brought with her so that she was forced to either be naked or wear mine.

  “You kiss me like you were made for me, Priss,” I said, spearing my tongue into the warmth of her mouth.

  Every muscle fiber tensed when she pulled back, her eyes darting to mine nervously.

  “Nick… we have to talk,” she began. “I mean, I-I have something to tell you.”

  “Yeah, you told me you have your period. And I told you that I don’t give a shit. I need to be inside of you,” I ground out and pushed my angry cock against the heat of her core. “Clearly.”

  “No. Not that.” She shook her head. “P-please. I have to tell you something.”

  I gently set her down and stepped back—not because I wanted to, but because she’d gone from insistent to unnerved in two seconds flat. My hands reached up and cupped her cheeks, forcing her face up to mine. My teeth ground against each other, feeling the dampness on her face before I saw the sheen of tears in her eyes.

  “I-I’m sorry,” she blubbered. “I-I should have said something sooner. I should have told you. I know… I knew…” Her head shook so fast that I had no choice but to drop my arms.

  What the hell was going on?

  Immediately my mind jumped to Lila. And then to my mother. And then to Stone. If they’d done anything to her…

  “Tammy… you need to explain. Right. Now,” I said as calmly as I could—which wasn’t very calmly when all I could think was that someone had hurt her and she hadn’t said anything to me.

  “Sorry,” she whispered, forcing her breathing to steady. “There is… a reason… why I said that we didn’t need to use condoms anymore.”

  “Are you…” My stomach clenched—the emotions of the moment overriding basic common sense. “No. You have your period. Of course, you’re not pregnant.”

  She winced like I’d slapped her.

  “No, Nick. I’m not pregnant.” Her sorrowful laugh was like nails on a chalkboard—if I ever revisited this moment in the future, I would still get chills down my spine just thinking about the noise. “That’s what I need to tell you… I can’t get pregnant. I can’t,” she sucked in a shattered breath and it shattered my whole fucking heart, “have children.”

  “Tammy…”

  Her fist came up to rest over her heart. “I can’t have children because I have cancer.”

  The room spun like a bad trip. I blinked, trying to focus. My fingers came up to the bridge of my nose to try to stop the searing pain.

  This was my life. My fate. To always have everything I loved teetering on the brink of being ripped away.

  Of course. I loved her.

  Of course, I fucking loved her.

  My name from her lips sounded like she was shouting it underwater. It was murky. Uncertain.

  “I’m not dying.” And then everything became clear; Tammy, standing in front of me, her hands on my face, her body pressing against mine. “I’m sorry, Nick. I have ovarian cancer. I have to have surgery before it spreads and gets worse. They’re going to take everything that I would need to have a baby.” She rattled off her reality like she was listing the capitals of each state, rushed and rambling to reassure me. “But, I’m not dying.�
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  I held her face too tightly as my lips crushed hers—bruising hers. Punishing her. I needed to taste the fucking truth of what she’d just said. I needed to swallow it down into my soul and let it seep into my veins that she wasn’t dying—that she wasn’t fucking leaving me.

  “Nick,” she gasped into my mouth.

  My splayed fingers practically swallowed her entire head as I angled her mouth underneath me. I didn’t want any more words. I wanted her.

  “Is that it?” I growled against her, hardly giving her a chance to respond.

  “Yes—”

  I pushed my tongue inside of her mouth.

  “I thought… for a second…” I broke off to kiss her again, feeling her shudder against me. “You should have fucking started with that—the part about not fucking dying,” I growled angrily, not caring that she hadn’t done it on purpose. I’d thought she was dying. And that kind of rage doesn’t dissipate quickly. “I need to be inside you.”

  Her arms twined around my neck. I took it as a yes.

  Her—my—shirt? Gone. Her pants? Gone.

  Lifting her up again, I carried her into the bathroom with my mouth on her neck and my right hand pulling her hair from her braid. Sitting her on the counter between the two sinks, I tore off my own clothes.

  She was deliciously flushed, her mouth swollen from my kisses. Her face etched with the need for the release of emotion that had just been stacked dangerously high between us.

  “Have I told you that I love your tits?” I rasped, stepping between her knees that hung off the edge of the marble countertop. I cupped one of the soft mounds. “Even when I hated you for hiding them from me,” she hissed as I pinched one nipple. “I still compared every girl I fucked to what I imagined yours would be like.”

  It was wrong to bring up other women that I’d been with. But I was angry.