by Stacy Borel
“Well . . . yeah,” he admitted.
“Fuck you, Dodger.” I walked toward him and started to reach for my bag I’d placed on the floor by the chair.
He reached out and grasped my forearm. “Stop. I didn’t mean it like that. It’s just that, before we even had a relationship, you were probably more promiscuous than I ever was. I’m sorry for saying so, but that’s how it was.”
He had a point. But I was never going to tell him that nobody ever really sparked my interest like he had after I left him. It was like I now needed not only a physical attraction to a man, but a mental one as well. They had to intrigue me, make me laugh, challenge me. Nobody I’d met had been capable of doing that for me. Not like he had.
I dropped my bag and crossed my arms, not completely wanting to let him off the hook. “I’ve just been focusing on building my career, okay? Sex isn’t everything.”
“No, it isn’t. But I also know how long it had been between the wedding and us.” He dropped his focus on me and looked down at his hands. “I can’t say I’m not happy to hear about that.”
“Don’t be cocky, Dodger.”
His blue eyes shot up to mine. “That’s not cocky, that’s honest.”
“Well, let’s just say that’s not a subject that is up for discussion now, or ever. There are bigger things going on at the moment.”
“Yes, there definitely is.” He eyes traveled to my stomach.
I instinctively covered the lower part of my abdomen with my hand, as if to shield his eyes from a non-existent bump.
“There’s nothing to see. Don’t look at me like that.”
“I’m not looking at you like anything. So you’re positive you’re pregnant, and that it is mine. How many tests have you taken?”
“More than I care to admit.”
He sighed. “Okay. And you haven’t been to a doctor yet? Have you scheduled an appointment?”
I nodded. “I already told you I hadn’t. And yes, I go in a week.”
This seemed to satisfy him, even though he hasn’t really given me any indication whether this was all good news, bad news, or he simply didn’t care. Right now Dodger was knocking out all of the logistics of my announcement before I was certain he would allow himself to roll through his emotions over it all.
“Let me know what time and where. I’ll be going with you.”
I was taken aback. “You’re coming with me? I don’t recall asking you to.”
Dodger’s eyes flared as he stared at me. “You didn’t ask me to? Macie, that’s my kid in there.” He gestured toward my stomach. “If you have any appointments, ultrasounds, or anything involving it, I want to be there.”
“So, are you saying you want me to keep it?” Not that he had any say in the matter anymore. I’d already made the decision for the both of us a couple days ago.
“Are you fucking serious right now?”
Whoa, okay. There’s a reaction.
“Yes, I’m being very serious.”
“Why on earth would you even think that I wouldn’t want it?”
I glanced around as if all the non-existent people in the room knew how obvious it was to them like it was to me.
“Uh, cause you’re a guy. And guys don’t always want babies. Especially guys who have news like this dropped on them like the Hiroshima Bomb by a girl they weren’t even dating.”
Dodger was looking at me like I’d sprouted a second head. “Just because we aren’t together doesn’t mean shit to me. You’ve known from day one that kids were always in the cards for me. Was this an ideal way of us going about it? No. Do I wish we were still together and the circumstances were different? Yes. I have never been that guy, Macie. Don’t pin that shit on me like I am. I’m not some piece of trash you’ve been with in the past that knocks up a girl then hands over the cash to make the problem disappear.”
Wow . . . uh, okay.
“That’s not what I was saying at all, Dodger. But if I’m being completely honest here,”—I looked down and reached up to tuck some stray hair behind my ear. It was a nervous habit I’d had since I was a kid.—“I wasn’t sure what to expect when I came in here. We barely speak or see each other.”
“Not because of me.”
I took a long pause to look at him. His face reflected hurt back at me.
“No, that was my decision. You’re right.” I felt tears spring to the corners of my eyes. I didn’t want to cry. I blinked rapidly, attempting to hold them back. A lump was forming in the back of my throat and I knew if I swallowed it down, the tears would fall. I felt he needed to know where I was mentally, so he could understand how I felt about all of this. Then maybe he would express more than just saying he would be with me at the appointments. “When I started to suspect I could be pregnant, I took my first test about four weeks ago. That positive line,” I shook my head. “It was a shock. Granted, I knew it could happen. I’m not totally naïve to how all of that works. But I spent weeks throwing up, laying in my bed, and trying to decide if this was something I could actually do or not.”
I was intently watching him. His eyes narrowed.
“You’ve known this long, and you think that now was the best time to tell me?”
“Dodger, I wasn’t sure if I was even going to keep it.”
If words could physically wound someone, mine just had.
“You weren’t sure if you were going to keep it? And at any point in time during all your puking, and solitude, you didn’t think that maybe this was a decision I should have taken part in?”
I wasn’t going to answer him. He already knew.
He scrubbed his hand down his face and stood up. His back was to me when he said, “Unbelievable. You were seriously going to make it without knowing how I felt about it.”
“It’s my body,” I barely whispered, but he heard me.
He shot around. Fire was in his blue eyes and he was ready to rip me apart.
“It may be your fucking body, Macie, but that’s my fucking child. Jesus Christ! Since when do you go all women’s lib on me and pull shit like that? This,”—he gestured toward my stomach—“We did this together. It wasn’t a solo act. So after all of your thinking, what conclusion did you come to? ‘Cause I know one thing that’s blaringly obvious. You came in here not offering me a choice. So don’t do me any favors by making me think I ever had one.”
I felt slightly relieved to see some emotion coming from him. This was more like what I pictured. Yelling. I could react to yelling. I could care less how correct he was with what he just threw at me.
“I weighed my options, yes. I got some information about everything and I decided that I’m going to keep it.”
His shoulders visibly slumped. I briefly wondered if people outside could hear him raising his voice.
“It’s not the most ideal situation, or how I saw my life going. Time for a change, I guess.”
He took a step toward me and laughed sarcastically. “A baby isn’t like having a new haircut or seeing if a pair of boots are the cool thing to wear this season. You can’t decide you don’t like it, or it won’t fit your lifestyle, and get rid of it.”
I got up and went straight to him. I held my head high and I was seriously ticked off. “At what point in time did you determine I had ‘Dumbass’ written across my forehead? Unlike you, I’ve had time to think about everything. I’ve weighed the pro’s and con’s. I know that I’m still a kid living at my parents’ house. I will have diapers to change and sleepless nights. How my fucking amazing boobs will sag when I’m done breastfeeding. How I’ll be shuttling a little person around to either ballet lessons, or baseball. I know that I’ll no longer have just myself to think about and I’m no longer number one.” I was definitely crying now. “I also know that I’m walking into this completely alone and I will have to learn as I go. My entire life is changing, and I’m making that choice unselfishly. If you think for one second that I don’t see the bigger picture here and that I view a child as disposable simply becau
se it doesn’t fit the mold I saw for my life, you can go fuck yourself.”
As quickly as I quit speaking, Dodger reached out and pulled me into him. He wrapped his long arms around me and held me tight. My wet cheeks brushed across his polo shirt, leaving it damp. The smell of him was comforting and I buried my nose deep in the crook of his neck. I wanted to stay here. Right here where my world didn’t feel like it was crumbling, and he could hold together all of the pieces that were desperately trying to break free from me. When I smelled him, I was reminded of home. Not because it reminded me of things growing up, but because it was my comfort. Forget Netflix and Chill. I wanted this, and a warm chocolate cookie with milk on a front porch swing.
“Shhh, Mace. It’s okay,” he whispered into my ear. “You’re not alone. I’ve got you, and we will do this together.”
I lifted my head reluctantly. “But I am alone, Dodger.”
His hands moved up from my waist to my cheeks. He held my face and his thumbs wiped away my tears. “No. I let you have your way when you said you wanted us to end. I’ve always been here, Macie. There hasn’t been a damn thing you’ve said that has chased me off. Not then and certainly not now. I’ve just been waiting for you to see what I’ve always known.”
What he’s always known?
“I’m not happy that you chose to keep this a secret from me as long as you have. I get it, you were scared. But from here on out, I’m going to need you to understand that the decisions aren’t just yours any longer. This directly involves me. We are doing this together, and you aren’t alone.”
“This doesn’t mean we’re together, Dodger.”
He cracked a smile. “No, of course not.”
“I mean it.”
Kissing the top of my head he said, “I wouldn’t expect anything less.”
“More you mean.”
“Semantics.”
Bastard. “Mhmm, we’ll see. I know how pushy you can be.” I stepped out of his embrace and gave myself some much needed space. “So where do we go from here?”
“I’d assume you need to see a doctor. We also need to go talk to my parents.”
I stared at him. “We?”
“Yes, we.”
I rubbed my forehead with the palm of my hand. “God, Dodger, can’t you just sneak the news in in the middle of conversation at a dinner or something? Why do I have to be there?”
He looked perplexed. “Why don’t you want to be?”
“Dodger, this wasn’t some marriage proposal for fuck’s sake! You knocked me up at your brother’s wedding. We aren’t even together. What would I even have to contribute to that conversation? ‘Sorry Mr. and Mrs. Brooks, I took advantage of your little boy. Congrats, your first grandchild is illegitimate.’ Uh, no. Doesn’t even sound remotely appealing. In fact, your mother is going to hate me.”
He chuckled. “You’re being dramatic. I mean don’t get me wrong, they’d love it if we were married and this happened. But it’s life. So what that it didn’t happen like we’re told it has too.”
“So what?”
“Macie, I don’t get what the big deal is here. Don’t you think the bigger deal is that there is a baby currently growing inside you? What could they possibly say besides being overjoyed? I know my mom. She’s been poking at my brother to give her a grandchild. I really don’t think it will matter how it happened. She loves you anyway.”
“It’ll certainly be a reason for her to dislike me now,” I grumbled.
He took a step toward me. I shot him a look that said “no.” He stepped back where he was, clearly frustrated. I didn’t feel bad. We weren’t a couple. I’d just got done making that clear.
“Could you at least think about it? I will obviously let them know regardless, but it would be nice if you were with me when I tell them.”
“You do realize you’re giving me puppy dog eyes, right?” Of course he knew. “Whatever.” I caved. It’s not like life could get much more unforgiving at the moment.
He grinned his beautiful crooked smile making my resolve falter. Dodger . . . the con artist. It was times like these I wish he didn’t know what made me weak.
I looked down. “Okay, Dodger-one, Macie-zero. You win this one, but I’m not going to be the one to actually tell them. I have my own parents that need to find out. And before you ask, no they don’t know a thing. I’m dreading what my dad will have to say.”
“I could come . . .”
“No!” I said curtly. “I’d rather break it to them in my own time and way. I don’t want it to be a planned thing. It’ll make me too nervous. Anyway, back to what I asked before. Now what?”
He pondered. “Well, to be honest I’m not sure. This wasn’t exactly the news I’d anticipated hearing this evening. I had planned on stopping at the new Mexican restaurant by my apartment and trying out their enchiladas and watching some episodes of Dexter.”
I sighed, turning to grab my bag and whined, “Enchiladas used to sound good.”
“Taste buds change?”
“No, not exactly. It’s the smell that I can’t stomach. In fact, I haven’t been able to stomach much of anything these days.”
He looked at me curiously. “Well, I was going to suggest you join me, but if you don’t want that, then maybe we could try something else? It’s not like I was set on Mexican tonight.”
“No, that’s okay. I’m tired. I think I should just head home.”
As if on cue, there was a knock at the door. I was only a couple feet away from it, so naturally I made the move to answer it. Swinging it open, I wish I would have known what was going to be on the other side so I could have schooled my face to not appear so shocked. Dana was here as if life had told her to play a joke on me. She stood with her hair flat ironed and make-up done to impress. She was wearing a skin tight black tank top, brown leather jacket, and black jeans. The outfit was adorable but I’d rather stab myself in the eye with scissors than confess that to her. At least she seemed just as shocked to see me as I was her.
I heard a small groan come out of the man behind me.
“Oh! Hi, Macie. I wasn’t expecting to see you here.” She chirped in her annoying fake sing song voice.
In true bitch form, I scowled back at her. “I bet you didn’t.”
She tilted her head at me, then glanced behind me. “I was just stopping in to see if you wanted to grab a bite to eat.”
She was making a show of purposefully not speaking to me, but to him.
“Thanks, but I was going to go home and go to bed,” Dodger replied to her. That’s not what he’d just said to me.
She smiled. “Come on, Dodge. I’m sure you haven’t eaten yet, and I want to tell you about this new bar they are opening in town.”
Dodge? Did she suddenly forget how to say her R’s? His little nickname made me want to puke in my mouth.
I could see him out of the corner of my eye shifting uncomfortably. “Thanks for the offer, but I’m pretty beat.”
Instead of disappointment, she said, “Okay, no problem. Maybe another night.”
“Actually, you two should go grab that bite. I’m going to head out. Don’t let my being here stop any plans.” I turned and glared at Dodger. He knew my feelings toward her.
“Macie, you don’t have to go.”
I slung my bag up on my shoulder. “Nah, you guys go have fun. I’ll see you later.”
Normally I would have done everything in my power to make her squirm and want to leave, but this to me was confirmation that maybe Dodger had gone out with her a few times. If she was this comfortable to stop by unannounced when she wasn’t on the clock to see if he wanted to hang out, there was a high likelihood I was correct. If I didn’t leave, I was going to flip my shit on him.
“Macie, why don’t you join us.” Dana asked, knowing I wouldn’t accept.
The bitch was good. “You two do this often, right? I’m sure I’ll catch you another time.”
I stepped around her not waiting for an answer. I briskly w
alked through the gym, not noticing if anybody was around. I had no clue how long I’d been here talking to him, but I could see it was dark outside. I was almost to the front door when I heard him. Dodger was hot on my heels.
“Macie.”
Keep moving.
“Macie, god damn it. Would you stop?”
No thanks.
“Macie.” His voice was booming and stern.
This time I halted. I knew if I took another step, he was close enough to reach out and grab me. I couldn’t go there. Not right now. I tried to steel myself for an onslaught of emotions. Twisting, I narrowed my eyes at him.
“What?” I shouted.
“Would you fucking stop.”
I held my arms out. “Do you see me moving?”
He came to stand right in front of me, only inches away. I could smell the mint of the gum he was chewing on his breath.
“Cut it out. Whatever you’re telling yourself right now, just stop.”
“I’m not telling myself anything.”
“Bullshit.”
I smiled at him sadistically. Rage was beginning to roll through me. This wasn’t how I wanted my night to end. Dodger had been more receptive to our news than I had expected. He embraced it and wanted to show me that he was here for me. Seeing that girl, made any feeling of happiness dissipate in a matter of seconds. Now I wanted to walk out the door and deal with my new life on my own. I didn’t need this.
“No, it’s not bullshit. There’s nothing I need to tell myself, that isn’t more than the truth.”
“You have no clue what you’re even talking about. I didn’t ask her to come.”
“I know you didn’t.”
“Then why are you so mad.”
“I’m not mad.”
“Yes, you are,” he argued.
“No, Dodger, I’m not. I’m indifferent. I could care less that she’s here.”
He put his hands on his hips and looked up at the ceiling. “Jesus Christ, you’re a difficult woman.”
I got a little pleasure out of knowing I was giving him a hard time.
“I’m not difficult. But let me make myself clear. Who you date or don’t date used to not be my business. However, if you plan on having someone in your life and you plan on being in my child’s life, then it is no longer just your decision. From day one that girl,”—I flung my arm up, directing it toward the back of the gym—“Has had it out for me. She’s wanted you and made no qualms about trying to get your attention when we were together. If you are still going to deny it after all this time, then you’re fucking blind.”