The Art of Deceit

by Fabiola Joseph

  I don’t remember much more about that day, but I do remember having to go to the hospital. I had to get thirty-three stitches in my hand and fingers and still bear slight scars to this day. Every time I look down at my right hand, I remember both my insanity and my lost love. I didn’t go to the funeral. Everyone said that it would be too much for me and that I could possibly lose my mind again.

  Tay’von was very supportive during that time. He secretly held the weight of her death on his shoulders too, so he let me grieve for my dead lover, who was at one point his friend. Everything was put on hold while the world mourned Amira’s passing, but after two weeks it was time for everyone to get on with the show. Although I told myself that I would finish the U.S. tour with Tay, no matter what, I just couldn’t go on. I needed to go home and be around my things. I was broken—my mind, body, and soul. We were set to leave in the morning, so I sat Tay down in the bedroom to tell him that I was not going with him. Before I could speak, he asked me if I was feeling any better.

  “Well, I’m just taking it one day at a time. But things are getting better. And I have also been meaning to thank you. You have really been good with this whole situation. I know that it’s hard for you too.”

  He came over to me and hugged me. I found out he had wanted to tell me that he was filled with his own pain in that moment over what happened, but he had held it all in. He sat back down, and I continued to pack.

  “Tay, I called you in here because I wanted to tell you that I am not packing to leave with you in the morning. I want to go home.”

  “Tangie, you don’t have to do that. Plus, I don’t think that you should be home alone.”

  “Baby, I am going home. I don’t want to be on the road anymore. I am over this now. I just need to be in my own bed, around my own things. Please don’t fight me on this. I am not changing my mind.”

  He lay down on the bed, and his feet dangled off the side. I got on the bed with him and put my head down on his chest.

  “Tangie, I know that we have been through a lot, but we have always made it through the bullshit. Our love has always held strong. Now, when you say you’re going back home, is it to our house or to yours? Will you be there when I get back?”

  “I’ll be there, Tay. I have always been there, haven’t I? But if you want me to stay, I need you to understand that if you ever put your hands on me again, not only will I be leaving, but I will also leave with your career, if not your life. The next time you put your hands on me, I am calling the police and the press. Do you understand that?”

  He looked like he was taking his time to think about what I had just said. He had never put his hand on a woman before me, and he was ashamed that he’d done this to me. Even though it seemed like I was always pushing his buttons, he knew that losing everything over hitting me was out of the question.

  “You don’t have to ever worry about that again. I swear on my life that I will never put my hands on you in that way again.”

  Half of me was happy that I would be there once he came back home, but the other half of me was not sure. There was a hate in me that was cold and empty. It was about the size of a grain of salt, but with every day that passed, it would grow. Eventually, it would grow to take over all of me. It would also grow from being just hate to the need for revenge. It was going to grow and take over me like the plague. An illness that would kill everything and everyone that had or would ever even look at me the wrong way. It was on its way to killing the very heart and soul of me, and in the end result, it would leave me cold-blooded, heartless, and with a lack of remorse.

  I lay in his arms and cried the last tears that I would cry for a very long time. I let out all the pain and filled up on hate. The next morning I found myself on a plane, heading home, to our home. This time Tay sent Carl and Shamika to stay with me. As for him, he was on his way to another city to do another show. It would be three months before I saw him again, and I used that time wisely.

  Chapter 13

  How Dark Is Your Heart?

  I have had to come to terms with the fact that I will never be the same. I will never stop missing Amira. I will never stop loving her, and truth be told, I will never stop being angry because I no longer have her in my life. I don’t want to have to settle for her just dwelling in my heart. I want her right beside me, right in front of me . . . alive! I also want to go back and tell her that I changed my mind, that she is the one, and that I just want to love her only. I just want to go back. I want to fucking go back and tell her all the things that will forever be unsaid.

  After leaving the airport, we stopped and had lunch. We got to the house around one in the afternoon. I couldn’t say that I was too happy to have Shamika there with me, but I would just have to deal with it. Carl was an added bonus, although he could be annoying. Tay’von thought that it would be good for me to have a “friend” with me. When he told me this, I had wanted to scream and yell, but then I’d thought, Hey, this will be the perfect time for me to put my plan in motion.

  “Girl, I didn’t know y’all were living as large as this. My God, this house is big,” Shamika said as she walked around.

  “You and Black should be living just as nice,” I answered, trying to downplay everything.

  “Black doesn’t spend his money. He just got a little town house, and it’s nothing close to what you and Tay got.”

  “Well, that’s a good thing. You don’t want him to end up like all those other stars that go broke,” I joked.

  “Girl, please, if you have the money, then you should spend it. It doesn’t look like you and Tay have any money problems after buying a house like this. Shit, as much money as you spend on clothes, you all can’t be broke.”

  She was trying to get information out of me already, and I wasn’t about to play into her game. I told her that I was tired from the trip so that I could go up to my bedroom without her bothering me.

  It felt good to be home, but the death of Amira still lingered on in my mind. Before I’d left the hotel, I gave one of the maids all the clothes that I had ever worn while I was with Amira. They brought too many memories of her. I figured that the best thing to do was to block out everything that had to do with her, but I knew that it wouldn’t come easy. Every once in a while, I got this feeling that let me know that I was dying inside, and I didn’t know how to make it stop.

  Soon after I went upstairs, I fell asleep. I woke up around five in the evening. Winter was settling into New York, and it was dark and gloomy out. The night before I had made up my mind to stop doing drugs. Life was way too short to always be in a fucked-up haze. I wanted my mind clear, and even with all my newfound zest for life, I still couldn’t put down the Capris. Maybe one day. I got up and headed downstairs. I could hear Shamika laughing and talking with Carl, so I stopped in my tracks when I was halfway down the staircase.

  “You mean to tell me that all them nights you and Tangie were here alone, you two never did nothing?” Shamika asked.

  Carl laughed her question off. “Shamika, Tay’von is my boss. What would it look like if I started messing with his girl?”

  I walked down a couple more steps, and from my vantage point, I could see her getting really close to Carl as she answered him.

  “Shit. As sexy as you are, I would have jumped on that as soon as my man left.”

  I could see Carl trying to back up, but the wall was stopping him.

  “Come on, Carl. Aren’t I sexy enough for you? It’s not like you’re working for Black.”

  She took one of his hands and put it on one of her breasts. This bitch was worse than me. I at least waited long enough for Tay’s scent to wear off me before digging my claws into him. I stormed down the rest of the steps and made it seem like I hadn’t heard or seen anything.

  “Hey, girl. Did you have a good nap?” Shamika asked, sounding fake as ever.

  “Yeah, it was okay. What have you been doing? You find everything okay?”

  “I haven’t really been doing nothin
g. I was thinking that we could all go to a club. How about the Voodoo Cave?”

  “I don’t really feel like going to a club. I would rather stay in,” I answered.

  She sucked her teeth and walked over to me. “Girl, come on. You just can’t stay in the house for the rest of your life. That shit isn’t good for you. Let’s just go and have a good time. It will help get your mind off things.”

  I thought about it, and she was right. I shouldn’t stop my life because Amira was gone.

  “Okay, okay. We can leave around twelve,” I said, then went back to my bedroom for a long hot bath.

  A while later, Shamika came into my bedroom and watched me go through the jewelry in my safe. I could tell that she was green with envy, but I didn’t say anything to her about it. I already knew how she felt about me and how I was living.

  I finished getting dressed, and we all got in the car. Carl and Shamika made small talk, while I stayed silent. Both of them were really working my nerves. The sound of their voices made me want to jump out of the moving car. I should have stayed home. My thoughts were still filled with memories of Amira, and I just wanted to be alone to relive them.

  We got to the club, and as always, it was packed. Shamika headed to the VIP section, but that night I wanted to be with all the “normal” people. Most were dressed in their best. Everyone was there looking for someone else. I didn’t think that people went to the clubs to dance or enjoy the music anymore. Carl went to the bar and got us our drinks while we sat at a table.

  “You think that there might be a lot of famous people here tonight?” Shamika asked.

  “Who knows? Why are you asking, anyway? You already have one.”

  “Girl, please, you can always do better.”

  I smiled. I couldn’t be mad at that, ’cause she was right.

  Carl came back with our drinks, and I sat back and enjoyed the alcohol. The club scene was and would always be the same, and I was so over it. I looked over at Carl, and he looked like he was feeling the same way. When I looked over at Shamika, she looked like she was having the time of her life, but hood rats always loved going to the club. That was where they could all be ghetto superstars. She was dancing in her seat as she scanned the club for that better man she was just talking about.

  “How about we all go dance?” Shamika asked before she headed for the dance floor.

  “Nah, you can go on. I don’t really like this song,” I said before I downed the rest of my drink.

  “Come on, Tangie. Don’t come to the club and start acting like you don’t want to be here. Let’s go have some fun,” she urged.

  This bitch was bugging the hell out of me. Even when I didn’t answer, she just kept asking. Even Carl joined in on the begging. I couldn’t take it anymore, so I followed them to the dance floor.

  The DJ was hot and knew to play all the good songs. One song turned into five, and I was having fun, like I used to back in the day. Every song that came on found me dancing with someone new. I didn’t realize how much I had missed having that carefree feeling. It felt like I was eighteen again, but that feeling didn’t last long. The DJ slowed it down and said the words that sent me crashing back down to my low.

  “We’re going to play this song and show some love for Amira, who passed away just the other day. You will be missed, baby girl.”

  I stopped dancing and stood still. I should have known that this was going to happen. Her death was still new. I felt like everyone in the club knew who I was, and that they could sense my pain. I started to feel closed in. There were too many people around, and I couldn’t get any air. I started to walk off the dance floor, hoping to find a place of refuge. Carl came after me, but I told him to go back and stay with Shamika. I just wanted to go outside and stay there until they stopped playing the very song that Amira had killed herself to. It was kind of cold out, but I enjoyed the chilly wind that was hitting my body.

  That was what irony was. I had told Amira that we could no longer be together. I had told myself that I would have to forget her and move on. But now that she had killed herself, I would never forget her. I would always be reminded of her when they played her songs or videos. I laughed and couldn’t stop. I wasn’t laughing because things were funny; it was just that life had a funny way of working everything out.

  “At least the second time we meet, you’re smiling,” a male voice said suddenly.

  I turned around to see who was talking to me. If he hadn’t said anything, I would have never known that he was there.

  “Carmello. Oh my God! How are you? What are you doing here?”

  “I just came to check out the club. What are you doing out here by yourself? And what is so funny?”

  I kind of felt silly now that I knew he had been watching me the whole time. I must have seemed crazy.

  “Nothing really. I was just laughing at life.”

  “Yeah, well, I can understand that. So, where’s Tay? He’s not going to run out here and pull you away from me, is he?”

  I laughed. I had to remember to ask him about all the bad blood he and Tay had between them. It had to be something big.

  “Tay’s not here. I’m out with one of his bodyguards and Black’s girlfriend. Tay’s still out touring.”

  Once I told him that, he got a little closer to me. Not in a sexual way, but in a friendly way.

  “Are you going back in? Maybe I can get a dance out of you?” he asked.

  “No, not right now, but I am happy that I ran into you. I was thinking about calling you. I need to talk to you about some things that you may want to help me out with.”

  He looked like he was interested in hearing what I had to say and couldn’t wait.

  “Let’s go talk in my limo.”

  I nodded, and Carmello took my hand and led me to the car. He told the driver to step out while we talked.

  “So, what’s on your mind, sexy?” he asked me once we were ensconced in the limo.

  I straightened up and looked him dead in the eyes. “Well, let’s say that I have someone around me that has done me wrong, and I am willing to do or fuck anyone over just to get back at this person. Would you be able to help me out with that?”

  “I would have to ask who the person is, and I must also ask what I would be getting out of it. But the number one thing that I would have to ask is, how dark is your heart?”

  What he really wanted to know was if I had the heart to carry out my plan to the end.

  “Well, this person is not high profile, but their lover is. Plus, you will be getting someone who you have been chasing for a while.”

  “And what about that heart of yours? With things like this, you can’t start and not finish.”

  This man must have thought that he was messing with a lightweight. He didn’t know the darkness my heart contained, so I would just have to show and prove it.

  “What heart?” I asked. “Even if I tried to tell you, you would never understand. So let’s just do this. Then you will know who I am and will see what I can do not only for myself but also for you.”

  He smiled. He could tell that I was down for anything, and that was the kind of bitch he liked dealing with. He told me that he would help me in any way he could. So while Shamika and Carl were in the club, dancing, I was in the limo, putting together my master plan. At the end of my conversation with Carmello, he had only one question left.

  “Are you sure that I will get Tay’von at the end of this?”

  I reached in my purse and lit a Capri. “I swear on Tay’von’s life that you will get him in any way, shape, or form that you want him. But I have to get everything that I want first.”

  Carmello extended his hand, and I shook it. There was no turning back now.

  * * *

  It was about two in the afternoon when I woke up. I had a hair appointment at twelve, which I had missed, so Tasha was coming out to the house. I showered, then went downstairs to wait for her. The maid told me that Carl had gone out with Shamika, and I was gratefu
l to have the house to myself for a while.

  Tasha got there around three and started my hair. When Shamika walked in the mini hair studio that was in the basement, Tasha and I could tell that she was drunk. I could feel Tasha stop doing my hair for a second, but she started right back up after taking in an eyeful of Shamika.

  “Who is that walking up in your house like she owns the place?” Tasha asked.

  I told her that she was Black’s girlfriend.

  “And who the hell is Black?”

  “The rapper who is touring with Tay. You know him. Black Dialect?”

  “Oh yeah, I know him. That dude is fine as hell. From the things that he talks about when he raps, I would never think that he would be with a ghetto chick. With him always rapping about getting your mind game right and all, this would be the last thing I would ever think of seeing on his arm.”

  “Tell me about it. But you know how life is. Men go to fuck but end up getting stuck,” I said while laughing.

  When I said this, I was halfway talking about Black and Shamika, and the other half of me was thinking about Amira and me. But as I looked at Shamika’s drunk ass, I realized that she and Black were truly on a different level. She was trash; he wasn’t.

  Shamika walked over to us and sat in the chair next to me. “Ooh, girl, you’re working the hell out of Tangie’s hair. Do you think that you can do mine next?”

  I was hoping that Tasha said yes, because Shamika’s hair needed to be done. Tasha said nothing, so I answered for her.

  “She can do your hair, but it won’t be free.”

  “Well, since you’re her mouth for the day, how about letting me know how much it’s going to cost me?” Shamika said.

  I could tell that she was only half joking, but I didn’t have time for her bullshit.

  “Since she’s at the house, it will cost you five hundred and up.”

  “I want a fresh weave. People in New York aren’t feeling the mixed colors that I have in my hair, so I want it straight-up blond or basic black.”