by Kat Long
“Not yet,” Jenna said. “She hasn’t done that since Bird overdosed.”
I pretended like I didn’t hear them as I walked out of the bathroom. Sitting on the bed in my towel, I took in the candy wrappers and potato chip bags. My room was not that bad.
“Don’t question the logic if it helps you to make a decision,” Jenna said, walking in my closet. She came out with an oversized sweatshirt and yoga pants, handing them to me with a nod.
“Stop judging me,” I said, taking the clothes from Jenna and pulling them on.
But that was a dumb thing to say. Of course, they should judge me. I was a wreck. I had made a blanket nest on top of my mattress, trying to get rid of Max’s smell, and there were three half-empty now goopy pints of ice cream on the hardwood floor. I’d lost count of the number of empty chip bags that littered the room.
Sleepless In Seattle was on repeat, and pieces of paper were balled up and scattered on the floor, evidence of me trying to put my feelings into words. I almost texted Jake to put in my notice, but I stopped myself before hitting send. Jake deserved more than a half-drunk text message. I think that was before they took away the liquor because I definitely woke up with a killer hangover.
In the throes of one of my crying sessions, I shamelessly thought I could write enough songs to quit the bank, so I’d never have to see Max again. But when I thought about that, I cried even harder. Then I’d sleep, and the process would start all over again. I groaned and plopped down in the middle of the bed, tossing a half-eaten bag of Hershey kisses on the floor.
“It’s time to move out of this wallowing, self-pity phase,” Addison said, crossing her arms.
She took off her heels and sat on the edge of the bed. Jenna and Olivia did the same.
“Consider this a Southern Charms intervention, Annaleigh,” Olivia said, tossing a pair of dirty socks on the floor.
“I second the motion,” Jenna said.
“It’s only been two days, y’all, plenty of time to still wallow,” I said, leaning back on the pillow.
“Um, no. It’s been almost a week. We are getting you out of this house today, end of story.”
“It’s been almost a week, Liv?”
I looked at Olivia, then Jenna. They both nodded, and my head swam. A week? How had I been in this house wallowing for a week? I remembered people visiting: my parents, Uncle Bob, my girls, and even Jake and Katie. But Bird and Taylor ran interference, and I mostly stayed in the bedroom.
“Should we go to B’s?” Jenna said.
“No,” was the unanimous answer. Good, I was not prepared for B’s.
“Maybe I should start by cooking a real meal,” I said. “Or ordering one.”
“That’s the smartest thing you’ve said today,” Addison said, standing up to collect more dirty laundry.
“Could we maybe go out another day? I feel like I need to get my head on straight and become a productive member of society before venturing out.”
“That’s acceptable. As long as we get you cleaned up and delete your browser history.” Jenna said.
“Huh? Why?”
“Because we need to see how far you’ve gone. Here,” Addison said, tossing the phone to Olivia. She opened the history and sucked in a breath.
“Oh, Annaleigh.”
“What has she been googling?” Jenna asked, collecting trash from around the room.
“Self-help books, job searches, cat adoption, vacations for one, how to write song lyrics, and Maxwell Smerdon.”
“What? I could have been googling vibrators.”
“At least that would flood your body with endorphins,” Jenna said. “Tell us what the problem is, the real problem, and we’ll help you work through it.”
I sighed and sat straighter, redoing my rat’s nest of a bun and picking nonexistent fuzz from the sweatshirt.
“I can’t stop thinking that our relationship shouldn’t be this hard. I knew deep down he would never cheat on me and go back with his ex. But hearing her in the background and knowing he could be so easily manipulated terrifies me. What’s going to happen the next time? He broke us. Or maybe I broke us by keeping him at arm’s length from the beginning. I don’t know anymore.”
“Okay, I get it,” Jenna said. “You have every reason to question your choices and your relationship, especially after what happened.”
“Right, you’re insecure about your feelings and obviously making some questionable life choices at the moment,” Olivia added, picking up a magazine about career options in Alaska.
“And this,” Addison said, waving her hand at me. “Is not okay. Whatever you feel for him is real, or it wouldn’t hurt so much.”
“Edward and I were in therapy last year,” Olivia said.
All eyes turned to her, and she looked down, throwing a magazine about singles cruises into the ever-growing trash pile.
“I didn’t know that Liv,” Addison said.
“I know, no one did. We were arguing over dumb stuff and couldn’t see the forest through the trees. It helped to have a third party talk with us, to help us communicate. It made us stronger. And love is hard. Really hard. You have to work at it every day. You have to put someone’s needs above your own. But Annaleigh, I love him more every day. Even on days, I want to kick him.”
“She’s right, you know. You have to trust him enough to see you at your worst and have him help you be your best,” Jenna said, shrugging her shoulders.
“So the question is,” Addison finished. “Do you love him enough to fight for you both?”
I didn’t know how to answer her. I loved Max so much it made my chest ache from not being with him, touching him, kissing him. But was it enough?
I stood up and picked up one a piece of paper, smoothing it out and reading the words. I stuck it on the vanity, with the rest of the post-its. A tiny idea started to take root. A scary, but possibly brilliant idea. Or an epic failure. Either way, it was the best idea I’d had all week. But until this point, taking a bath was the best idea, so the bar wasn’t exactly high. I looked at my girls and back at the paper, smiling slightly.
“I don’t know what that face is about, but whatever it is, tell us,” Jenna said, taking the crumpled paper from my hand and reading the words.
“A sudden spark lit like stars in the sky. Within me, stories find a life renewed. Enchanted by the soul buried within your eyes.”
I didn’t know if I was crazy, or drunk, or both. But there was one thing I knew. With my best friends by my side, I could get through anything. They would always be there to pick up the pieces.
- 31 -
COMPLETE ME WHOLE
Max
Dear Blue,
I hate hummus. It tastes like overcooked vegetables mixed with beach sand and lemon juice. But I love homemade macaroni and cheese with Ritz crackers on top. The first time I had it at a friend’s house, I ate so much I was constipated for a week. During my first week of college, I craved that macaroni in a bad way, so I bought a crockpot and boxes of Kraft. The problem was, I didn’t add enough water, and the crockpot caught fire. The entire dorm had to be evacuated. I haven’t attempted to make macaroni and cheese since, but I’d make it for you.
This one time at band camp… Just kidding, I’ve never been to band camp. But I have been to chess camp. It was the three most boring weeks of my life. I wandered off one day when we were taking our “mandatory” daily hike, looking for an escape route. Little did I know, I trampled through poison ivy and had to be taken to the hospital for a steroid injection in my ass. Needless to say, I am now a wicked good chess player.
Love,
Max
Dear Max,
The secret to an unforgettable macaroni and cheese is sour cream. Weird, right? But it helps to thicken the cheese and gives it the creamiest texture.
I love a good steak,
but it has to be cooked right. And by right, I mean medium rare. People who eat steak well done might as well eat hockey pucks. And I hate mushrooms. Like hate mushrooms. People are not meant to eat fungus! Can you imagine how much trial and error went into determining what mushrooms are good and bad: “Listen up, guys… The mushrooms in Pile A killed Steve, the mushroom in Pile B you can eat, and the mushrooms in Pile C make you taste colors.” Nope.
I also think I’m the only person in the South that doesn’t like sweet tea, don’t tell anyone. ;-)
My favorite color, obviously, is blue. But did I ever tell you why? As a kid, I loved beige. I know, I’m weird. But beige is the color of beach sand, and beige is the color of my grandmother’s lace wedding dress. The very first time I sang on stage, there were these blue lights that pulsed in time with the bass. It was this electric, neon, gorgeous blue that calmed my nerves. It’s been my favorite color since.
When I first started a garden on my terrace, I attempted to make my own compost. It was an epic disaster that resulted in a warning from my HOA and a hefty fine. Now, garbage goes in the trash, and I buy dirt like a normal person. I still maintain that the smell was not that bad.
Thank you for the flowers, and the beer, and the chocolate. But most of all, thank you for your letter. It made me smile.
Love,
Blue
Dear Blue,
All of your secrets are safe with me. The first time I french kissed a girl, I cut my tongue on her braces. It hurt like a mother, and I talked like I had a lisp for days after. When I told Warren, he fell on the floor laughing and said that’s why he was never kissing girls.
I tried wearing contacts, several times in fact, but the thought of putting something in my eye freaks me the hell out. I don’t see how you put on makeup, especially that wingy thing you do around your eyes. I had to order special sunglasses because my regular ones would slip down my face when I ran. The first pair that came in were hot pink, and I couldn’t return them. They may or may not be in my truck in case of a sunglasses emergency.
I drink bourbon: one- because it’s the best liquor known to man. And two- because it pissed off my dad. He was always a scotch man, and doing stupid shit like that kept me sane all the years I was under his thumb. That’s also why I never got Lasik. You’re weird, and I’m petty... It’s a perfect match.
When I was in high school, I got a monster zit right before prom. I snuck into my parent’s bedroom, looking for something to put on it before we had photos taken. I accidentally grabbed self-tanner, and my eleventh-grade prom photo has a bright orange dot right in the middle of my forehead.
Walking away from you was one of the stupidest things I’ve ever done. I’m sorry I let you down.
I miss you. So damn much.
Love,
Max
Max,
When I was in middle school, I got suspended for flicking off my teacher. My mom had gotten me a Mood Ring. I wore so much it turned my finger green. I freaked out, not having any idea why my finger was green, and raised my middle finger in the air, waving it like crazy at my teacher. He thought I did it on purpose.
I drink bourbon: one- because it is the best liquor known to man. And two- because I never liked martini glasses. Drinking a Cosmo from a rocks glass just seemed like sacrilege. The first time I had a neat glass of Buffalo Trace, I knew I was a bourbon babe for life. But nothing beats a chilled glass of Moscato in my hammock with a good book.
When I was in high school, I desperately wanted to save my wrist corsage from Prom. I decided the “smart” thing to do was press the still alive flowers in between the pages of my yearbook. Not only did it not work, but the flowers ended up sticking to the pages and rotting. I had to throw both away.
I started taking medicine for my hypocalcemia, and I feel better. But I think I need to cut out the oranges. I swear my face had an orange tinge the other day.
When I first got Baxter, he had fleas. Even though Jenna assured me they would not get in my house, I was paranoid and had the place bug-bombed. Thinking about any creepy-crawly critters makes my skin itch. I had to stay at Jenna’s house for a week because the smell was awful! Speaking of Jenna, she talks to her plants and plays music for them. It’s adorable. I tried leaving the radio on for Baxter, but he knocked it off the coffee table. I think he prefers solitude.
Yes, you should have never walked away.
You’ve never given me a reason not to trust you, and I knew, deep down, you were not back with her. But after the night we had and the way you left, it hurt. You brushed me off like I was nothing, like we were nothing. It hurt, Max. Your words hurt.
I miss you too. I miss you so very much.
Love,
Blue
Blue,
Don’t stop eating oranges. I’ll feed you slices and worship your orange skin every day. You are not nothing. We are not nothing. You changed my life. You are everything. You show me the beauty in everyday things, and you’ve made me a better man. I’d like to come over Saturday. I owe Baxter a steak for protecting the most important woman in my life. What do you think?
Yours,
Max
Max,
The girls and I are going out, but I’ll be back by dinner. I have news. Big news. See you then.
Yours,
Blue
Operation True Blue was coming together, and the girls had gotten Blue out of the house. I enlisted Warren and Taylor’s help, and they came over Saturday after Blue had left.
Six days. It had been six days since I’d left. Six days since I’d held her. Six days of emptiness. I read her last letter again and ran my hand over my short beard before tucking it back in my pocket.
“You think this is going to work?” Warren asked, tapping his foot on the floorboard and turning up Cheap Trick.
“I sure as fuck hope so,” I replied, pushing my glasses up and making a right turn onto her street. “Where are they going again?”
“Manicures, I think, and then to B’s. I kinda zoned out when they started talking about different shades of pink.”
Warren motioned to the spot behind her Highlander, and I pulled in and saw a familiar wet nose pressed against the living room windows.
“Okay. Let’s get the tarp laid first and clear the furniture before we unload. The installation guys will be here in an hour.”
“You got it, boss-man,” Taylor said, handing me her keys.
Unlocking the door, I bent down and gave Baxter some love. Her place smelled like oranges, and it made my dick twitch. I adjusted myself and looked around. I missed it here, missed being in her space. Baxter pushed against my hand, and I patted his head.
“You gonna help me win your mama back, buddy?”
His tail thumped the floor, and he cocked his head as if to say, “Duh, dad.”
An hour later, a huge delivery truck pulled up, and three guys introduced themselves and got started. I wished I could have been more hands-on, but I couldn’t wire for shit. Building the platform and railing was one thing, but there was a strong possibility something would catch fire if I did the wiring.
Halfway through installing the railing, I went to the kitchen for water. Blue had two crockpots simmering, and it smelled delicious. My stomach gave a loud gurgle, and I pulled out my phone to order pizza for lunch. Baxter stayed on my heels, and I grabbed the new dog bed I had for him and put it on the platform.
“What do you think?” I said, cooing to him like a baby. “Come lay here, buddy.”
I patted the bed, and he stepped up and sniffed it before plopping down. Nice. The last thing I needed was for him to hate the idea.
“You know, Maxie,” Warren said, sitting on the couch and passing a water to Taylor before taking one for himself. “I think this is going to work.”
“Me too,” Taylor added. “You really outdid yourself. I’d
forgive you.”
“Thanks. I’m going to escort man’s best friend around the pavement. One of you sign for the pizza when it gets here.”
Warren and Taylor had the biggest shit-eating grins on their face, “What? You can’t say the ‘w’ word, or he will get so excited you can’t put his leash on.”
“Oh, we know that, Maxie,” Warren said, holding up finger guns. He was the only guy I knew that could make finger guns look cool. Idiot.
“Why are you assholes looking at me like that?” I said, looking between the two of them. “You both have the same sappy-ass expression.”
“No reason,” Taylor said, telepathically communicating with Warren.
Shaking my head, I nodded to them both and walked out. Baxter eagerly headed towards the park, and I checked the time. The lift would be done in another few hours, and Blue would be home not long afer. The only thing left for me to do was show her how much I love her, and that I was a better person with her by my side.
- 32 -
STAY FOREVER
Annaleigh
I knew the old saying went, if you love someone, set them free, but I was calling bullshit. If you love someone, you stand by them. You support them. You wake up at two o’clock in the morning and sit with them because they couldn’t sleep. That was love—not worn-out cliches and empty promises. And if this time apart had taught me anything, it was that Max was showing me, love. Big, scary, imperfect love.
The girls and I were on our way home from B’s after a nice lunch, and I felt better. They were chatting about Jenna’s surprise houseguest, and I had never seen her so animated. She was waving her arms around in the front seat, babbling about thunderstorms and boundaries. I glanced at my pink nails and listened to her barely breathe in between sentences. She reminded me of how I used to talk about Max, not that I’d ever say that to her.
Palm trees dotted the median, and the sunshine mixed with the smell of the ocean were like jumper cables, kick-starting my heart and making me feel alive. All the negative energy that had been weighing me down was disappearing as the minutes ticked closer to when I’d see him. But it wasn’t just Max. It was Bird, Uncle Bob, the girls, and B’s. It was everything. I’d changed the direction of my life and embraced the music I thought I’d lost.