Emperor of the Universe

by Johnny Marciano

  My mind raced—what would that question be? What were the best methods for spying on your own citizens? When was it necessary to humiliate your underlings? Should your subjects bow down before you as an immortal god? These were the sorts of queries any good ruler must answer.

  “The Council now asks the most important question that can ever be asked,” the braagnox said, pointing the scepter at me again. “Why?”

  I blinked.

  “Can you repeat that?” I asked. “I think I must have missed something.”

  “’Tis . . .” The braagnox paused dramatically, now raising the scepter above her head. “Why?”

  “Why what?”

  “’Tis only . . . Why?”

  What kind of riddle was this? How could I possibly answer a question so absurdly vague?

  “I’m wondering if you could just give me a little bit more direction here,” I asked as nicely as I could.

  “DO NOT QUESTION THE QUESTION!” the braagnox roared. “State thy answer, feline. The Council grows impatient.”

  I began to feel uncomfortable, and not just because of this wretched sweater. The question was nonsense! Except that it couldn’t be nonsense, for these shelled reptiles were the most ancient and brilliant creatures in the universe.

  Did they want to know why I wished to be emperor? Or why cats were so obviously superior to all other creatures? Or were they seeking the answer to every question of why ever asked?

  “The Council seeketh a response, feline,” the braagnox growled.

  I turned to face the row of turtles, whose dark, unknowable eyes bored into mine.

  “There can only be one answer to the question of Why?” I said, speaking in my most commanding voice. “And that is . . . Why not?”

  Slowly the turtles began to nod.

  And I do mean slowly.

  CHAPTER 31

  “I just have so many questions for you, little ogre,” Flooffee said as we searched through Klawde’s hidden stash of tools. “Is this litter box really for Earth cats to poop in? And do Humans really scoop it up and save it? You sure have some interesting customs on your planet.”

  I finally found the pliers under the VQ Ultra, the virtual reality headset that Klawde had tried to turn into a mind-control device.

  “Let’s talk about that stuff later,” I said. “I need you to tell me how to turn off these laser eyes.”

  “First you need to remove my head,” Flooffee said.

  “Okay,” I said. “How do I do that?”

  “Just press the nose in hard, and push the ears back . . . there!” he said as the catdroid’s head popped right off.

  I had to admit, it was a little creepy—especially when I set the head down on the table and it kept talking.

  “Now unscrew the fibric axeline bolt next to the artificial brain stem.”

  I started to ask where that was, but then I heard the door at the top of the stairs creak open. I froze.

  “Raj! I know it’s a Friday, but it’s so late,” Mom called. “You need to go to bed.”

  “Don’t come down!” I said, throwing a cover over the decapitated head. “I mean, I’ll be up in a little bit, okay? I’m working on my . . . uh, Napoleon project!”

  “Oh, well if it’s schoolwork, that’s okay,” Mom said, and shut the door again.

  “That was a close one,” the cat head said from under the blanket.

  Working with Flooffee was way different from building the teleporter with Klawde. For one thing, Flooffee didn’t yell at me, even when I had trouble figuring my way around the Gorthic micro-actuator.

  “Now jack in to the Z node and toggle that—”

  The catdroid’s razor-sharp claws began flexing in and out.

  “Uh, Flooffee?”

  “Whoops, wrong node,” Flooffee said. “Better turn those off before they strip the flesh from your bones. The Z node is sixty-five degrees to your left.”

  I was dripping in nervous sweat by then, but eventually I managed to disarm the claws and lasers.

  “Gee, ogre,” the head said, “you’re a good robot technician. I don’t know why Klawde says such terrible things about you.”

  “He says terrible things about everyone,” I said. “But it’s not like he really means it.”

  “Oh, no,” Flooffee said, “he does.”

  I paused. “But if he means all the horrible things he says, wouldn’t that make him a pretty scary emperor?” I said. “Or will he not really be in charge of the whole universe?”

  “Well, most emperors have been pretty paws-off the last few millennia, but you know the Omnipotent One—he’ll probably want to do something crazy like outlaw dogs and make all living beings shave his name into their fur.”

  “Will he ever come back to Earth?”

  “I seriously doubt that,” Flooffee said. “I mean, why would he? This place is a total horror show! Um, I mean, it’s nice for you, though. Anyway, we’re ready to put the head back on, so . . .”

  I sighed and got back to work. I just hoped Flooffee was wrong—about a lot of things.

  CHAPTER 32

  As the braagnox conferred with the All-Wise Council, a purr began to rumble in my chest. Surely none of the other candidates had answered the turtles’ question so wisely, or performed as splendidly as I, even if it was for just one single, crystal-clear note.

  Once the consultation was complete, the braagnox nodded solemnly and turned back to me. “The third and ultimate trial will demonstrate if thou hath the greatest quality a ruler can possess: BRAVERY.”

  Finally we would come to the battle component!

  The braagnox drew closer and whispered, “Tell me, feline, art thou ready to face what thou most despises and fears?”

  “Of course,” I said. “I despise all and fear nothing!”

  “Very good,” the braagnox said. “Then surely, thou will not mind . . . this!”

  The braagnox tapped the scepter against the ground three times. A deep and thunderous sound like an earthquake shook the room, and a crack in the floor opened beneath me. As I leaped back in surprise, the walls shuddered, and stones rained down from the ceiling.

  Now, this was interesting.

  Gracefully dodging a plunging stalactite, I wondered if the entire dead star we were standing on might collapse in upon itself. What fun! I loved a good seismic event.

  But then, with three more taps of the braagnox’s scepter, the shaking and rattling ceased. The crack in the floor was now a chasm wide enough for ten cats to fall into.

  Still safe on solid ground, I purred. That was easy!

  “Now that I’ve passed the third test,” I said, “let’s start making arrangements for the imperial coronation. I was thinking we should sacrifice a few thousand canines for the opening ceremony.”

  But the braagnox shook her head. “The test has not even begun.” She reached an enormous paw down into the crevice. “This is the test.” When she pulled it back out, it was dripping with the most vile substance in the universe.

  Water.

  “What . . . ,” I stammered, “what do they want me to do with it?”

  “The All-Wise Council wishes thee to get in.”

  I stared at the turtles in shock. They wanted me to get into the water? The sadistic fiends!

  Normally I would mean that as a compliment, but this was a torture I would not wish upon my worst enemies!

  “The time is now, feline,” the braagnox said.

  I gritted my teeth. To rule all of creation, I would do anything. Even this.

  I walked to the water’s edge. After a moment of hesitation, I dipped a front claw in.

  It was disgusting. Steeling myself, I stuck my entire paw in. On reflex, I instantly yanked it back out.

  “Good enough?” I asked hopefully.

  The braagnox sh
ook her head no.

  “Thou must dive in,” she said. “Completely.”

  She could not be serious! Not since I first landed on Earth had I felt so repulsed. Nothing—not the nightmare of exile, the ignominy of apologizing to dogs, nor the humiliation of being bested by my enemies—could compare to this.

  I looked to the All-Wise Council for a reprieve, but their reptilian faces were pitiless. I had no choice.

  I held my breath and leaped.

  Hideous, icy water filled my nose and ears, and my whiskers froze in revulsion. I couldn’t see—or breathe! My paws paddled wildly as I clawed my way back to the edge, spluttering and hissing.

  But when I emerged from the black liquid, shivering and dripping wet, the turtles were nodding again—and I was more certain than ever of my victory.

  CHAPTER 33

  “Hey, Raj, what’s wrong?” Steve asked, as GAME OVER flashed on the screen. “You’re, like, really bad today.”

  It was Saturday, and we’d met at the retro arcade. Usually I made it to the banana level in Ms. Pac-Man, but today I couldn’t even make it past strawberry. “I guess I’m, uh, distracted by my whole history project thing.”

  What was really preoccupying me, though, was the thought that Klawde might never come home. But was it even possible? Could Klawde become the emperor of the universe? As a member of the Good Animals Group?

  It sounded too insane to even worry about, but then again I’d just stayed up half the night fixing a feline android that had lit my trash can on fire.

  “How about Space Invaders?” Steve said. “Maybe you’ll do better on a different game.”

  “Why don’t you guys play pinball with me?” Cedar said.

  “Did you use up your weekly allowance of screen time already?” Steve said. “You can tell your parents that these video games are so old, they don’t even count.”

  “‘That’s not it,” she said. “Pinball is just more fun. Or how about air hockey?”

  “Hey, look at the babies!”

  I turned around and saw Scorpion. For once, Newt wasn’t with him. Did that mean she was at home working on our project?

  It was doubtful.

  “So which one of you losers wants to get destroyed at Frogger?” he said.

  “That’s Raj’s best game!” Cedar said. “He’ll waste you.”

  “Uh, I don’t know . . . ,” I said.

  “I’ll bet you an ice cream,” Scorpion said. “A large.”

  “But it’s ten thirty in the morning,” I said.

  “What, are you scared?”

  “No. I just haven’t had breakfast yet,” I said. “Do they even sell ice cream this early?”

  Surprisingly, they did. And unfortunately, I wound up having to buy Scorpion a chocolate-vanilla twist in a waffle cone. As he ate his ice cream, he kept making fun of me for losing, and I started to wonder: If Klawde became emperor of everything, could he force Scorpion to be nice to me?

  CHAPTER 34

  Back in GAG’s room at the Infinitude Motel, I licked the awful liquid from my fur as Barx begged to know what had transpired inside the Temple of the Ages.

  “I am forbidden on pain of death from revealing it,” I said. “But suffice it to say, no other candidate could have possibly performed as well as I.”

  “If you can’t tell us what happened with the Council, maybe you can tell us a bedtime story instead,” Barx said. “Do know the one about the magic bone that grants three wishes?”

  “Ooh! Or the one about the bowl that never runs out of food!” another of the mutts said.

  As I began to consider mauling every canine in sight, a bunny burst through the door. “The torches have been lit and a flock of stitterbits released! The Council has reached a decision.”

  A decision! I sprang to all fours and dashed out to join my fellow candidates on the Eternal Steps. The crowd below us panted with anticipation.

  “Go, Ffangg kitty!” Zok shouted. “Zok root for you!”

  The rest of AWESOME erupted in raucous cheers, while the GAG animals clapped politely and a rabbit waved a sign that said WE BELIEVE IN YOU, FRIEND KLAWDE!

  When the braagnox came out, she held her scepter above her head.

  “Hark, creatures of the universe!” she bellowed. “The All-Wise Council has spoken! It is time to learn who the next Emperor of the Universe will be.”

  Every animal assembled held their breath.

  “Q’bip!” the braagnox cried. “May the candidate from the Semi-Aquatic Rodents for Progress please step forward!”

  The entire group of toothy vermin gave a roar of triumph. But what kind of outrage was this? The beaver had won? He was an even bigger fool than Barx!

  The braagnox raised her scepter again for silence.

  “Q’bip,” she said. “It will not be thee.”

  I sighed with relief, and Ffangg snickered as the beaver trudged away, his buffoonish tail dragging along the ground.

  One by one, the hopes of the others—the buffalo, the wolverine, the chipmunk—were all dashed, until only Ffangg and I remained on the steps.

  “How very nice for you, Klawdie,” Ffangg hissed. “You came in second. The dogs and ogres will be so proud of you.”

  “It is I who have won,” I hissed back. “Tell me, Ffangg, what is the punishment for failure in AWESOME these days? Will you be skewered like a chickellsprat and roasted upon a fire?”

  But before he could answer, the braagnox raised the scepter. “And now,” she roared, “the next Emperor of the Universe will be . . .”

  My whiskers twitched in anticipation. It would be me. It had to be me!

  The entire crowd leaned forward, awaiting her words. But the braagnox faltered, and an uncomfortable expression came over her shaggy face.

  “. . . will be one of these two felines,” she said. “Never has this happened before, but the All-Wise Council has declared a tie!”

  A tie? How could this be?

  The braagnox turned to us and shrugged. “The turtles have judged the two cats equal in all measures.”

  This was a travesty! Those beady-eyed fools could not see the difference between Wyss-Kuzz the Magnificent and an underfed, sly-tongued wretch?

  “Felines,” the braagnox said. “There is no need to hiss. The All-Wise Council, in its infinite wisdom, has offered a solution. There is only one good way to determine who is the better cat—and that is the way that cats have always decided such questions for themselves.”

  “Do you mean . . . ,” I began, and then Ffangg joined in, “the Duel of the Branch?”

  The braagnox nodded. Then the crowd roared and stamped so loudly, it felt as if the whole dead star was shaking again.

  CHAPTER 35

  I ran home from practice because it was Tuesday—taco night! As I turned down my street, I could swear I smelled the tortillas from a block away. But when I walked into the house, not only were there no tacos, there were no parents. Instead, there was a note on the counter.

  Raj, your father and I went to a physics lecture. There’s mac and cheese in the fridge. Love, Mom

  Oh well—mac and cheese was a pretty good consolation prize. As it warmed up in the microwave, the catdroid came galloping into the kitchen and jumped onto the countertop.

  “Give me some of that,” it demanded.

  “Ha,” I said as I took out the hot bowl. “You sound just like Klawde.”

  I reached out to pet it, but the catdroid bared its teeth and arched its back. “Get your hairless spider-hands off me.”

  I almost dropped my fork. “Klawde, is that you? You’re back!”

  “I see your powers of observation are as keen as ever,” Klawde said. “Now give me some of that dairy-coated pasta.”

  “Not before you apologize!” I said. “I can’t believe you left again. And that you tried to
trick me with an android.”

  “Oh, Raj, I am so sorry,” he said as sarcastically as possible, and then started eating out of my bowl.

  I should’ve been more annoyed, but I was just happy to have him home.

  “So if you’re back,” I said, “does this mean you’re not going to be the emperor of the universe?”

  Klawde hissed. “It means nothing of the sort, ogre! It only means my coronation has been delayed. There is one final contest, and we have come back to Earth to train for it.”

  “Wait—‘we’ have come back,” I said. “Who’s we?”

  “The idiot canine came with me,” Klawde said between mouthfuls. “Unfortunately.”

  I raced into the yard. “Barx?” I called. “Barx, are you here, boy?”

  He came out from the bushes, his tail wagging like crazy. He jumped up and down and gave me slobbery licks.

  “I told you I’d come back, Raj!” he said. “Got any tennis balls?”

  “I sure do!” I said.

  I’d forgotten how much fun it was to play fetch, and how high Barx could leap and twist.

  “I’ve been working on my form,” Barx said, proudly dropping the ball at my feet.

  I heard a hiss behind me.

  “Stop this repulsive interspecies frolicking,” Klawde said. “It is time we commenced training. Now!”

  “That doesn’t sound like a Good Animal attitude,” Barx said. “How about some paws-itivity? Get it? Like paws, because we both have them, and—”

  “We get it,” Klawde and I both groaned.

  I gave one last toss of the ball for Barx. He may have gotten even more awesome at fetch, but he still had the lamest sense of humor ever.

  CHAPTER 36

  Though I had hoped a speedy coronation would allow me to quit Earth for good, I was now resigned to spending another week in this miserable backwater. But there was a bright side to the otherwise infuriating delay: I now had the opportunity to defeat Ffangg once and for all.