Crux Untamed

by Tillie Cole

  The whooshing sound, I thought, must have been a blow torch.

  “Get the fuck away,” I snarled.

  Jase tipped the iron toward me . . . and I saw the letter burning like fire on the end. “N.” My body started to shake. Jase, without another word, went behind me . . . and then I screamed. I bit down on my tongue, drawing blood, when the iron was pressed into the skin on my back. My body thrashed; my skin felt like it had been set on fire. My arms jerked, and my jaw cracked from how tightly I was clenching it. My eyes rolled as I fought for consciousness. I heard voices, then engines starting.

  Every part of me shook as the woods were plunged into darkness. The wood of the barn beside me creaked, swaying slightly in the wind. My vision was blurred, and I could feel myself growing dizzy. “No,” I whispered, feeling what I knew was a seizure coming on. I tried to move my legs, just to do something. To try and get free, but every time I moved, my back would send such excruciating pain through my body that I nearly passed out.

  Suddenly, light blazed around me. I heard the sound of a truck. I tried to scramble to my feet, thinking they had come back. I tried to turn my head, the dizziness getting worse and worse, then I heard, “What the fuck?” Footsteps ran toward me, and a face came into view.

  Aubin Breaux, my brain told me just as the familiar metallic taste of seizure burst on my tongue. I tried to open my mouth, tried to tell him to go away, but everything went black . . .

  The silence in the room was deafening as I paused to get my shit together. I heard a sniff, and when I looked down, Sia was crying, gripping my arm like a vise. “Turn over,” she requested, her voice cracking.

  I knew why. And as much as I didn’t want her to look, I did want her to understand . . .

  I stared out of the window as Sia lifted up my shirt. Her fingers moved to my skin, and I knew when she had found the scar I would never remove, under the disguise of my Hangmen patch. She traced the perfectly placed “N” on my back. There was no need to explain what it stood for. She would know. And I wouldn’t fucking give it power by saying that shit out loud.

  I was just about to roll over when I felt Sia’s mouth pressing kisses on the ruined skin, up and down, following the shape of the capital letter. When she stopped, I turned to lie again on my back. Hooking my hand around her head, I brought her in for a kiss. Her lips tasted of salt from her tears.

  “It’s okay, älskling,” I whispered against her lips, then pressed kiss after kiss along her face.

  “No, it fucking isn’t.”

  I had to smile. Even torn apart by hearing the shit I went through, she was still as feisty as ever.

  “But it’s done.”

  Her big blue eyes stared up at me. “What does that word mean? That you called me?”

  My fucking chest pulled. “It’s a Swedish term of endearment. What someone says to someone they care for.” I gave a small smile. “My mamma always said it to my papa.”

  “It’s beautiful.”

  “Then it fits.”

  Cowboy sat on the end of the bed, back straight, head in his hands. He was turned away from us. “Aub,” I called. His back stiffened.

  He didn’t say anything in response. Sia turned and laid her hand on his back. His muscles shifted. “You helped him, didn’t you?” she asked.

  I waited for my best friend to speak. When he didn’t, didn’t even turn around, I said, “I came around in his truck.” I stared at Cowboy’s back. “I was lying on my front. I had no idea where I was at first. I was in a truck, traveling somewhere. I couldn’t place names or faces, because of the seizure. But I saw a guy in a Stetson driving. Little by little my memories came back . . ..”

  My muscles tensed as I remembered Jase . . . remembered the brand. I moaned as the burn on my back slammed into me with so much pain I couldn’t see straight.

  “Shit,” the guy said, then turned his face. Panic mixed with fury traveled through me. Aubin Breaux was driving me somewhere. I racked my brain trying to remember if he’d been there. I saw every one of those assholes’ faces . . . but his was missing.

  I tried to move. What were they going to do to me now?

  “Valan,” he said, whipping his head briefly in my direction as he tried to keep his eyes on the road. “I’m taking you home. I ain’t gonna hurt you. I’m taking you home.” I knew my eyes were wide as he looked down at me. “I swear.” He swallowed. “I didn’t know he was gonna do that shit, okay? I got held up at the ranch, didn’t get Jase’s message to meet them until later. I . . .” I looked out of the window as we turned left. The rocking of the truck on an uneven path saw me white-knuckling the seat just to make it fucking through this ride. “I didn’t know they had this planned. Didn’t believe they’d go this far.” Aubin stopped the truck and narrowed his eyes. “This your house?” I couldn’t see. His face reddened; I could see it in the truck’s light. “Small wooden house. Next to the marshes?” Fucker was embarrassed by describing my house.

  Before I could even answer, I heard the slam of a door and feet running across the dirt. “Val?” I closed my eyes, hearing my mamma’s voice.

  Aubin got out of the truck. “Ma’am, there’s been an incident. He’s hurt.”

  “What?” she said, her voice shrill. The truck’s door flew open behind me, but I closed my eyes. “Valan . . .” My mamma trailed off, throat cutting off her words. “My God! What have they done?”

  Arms gently lifted me. I screamed out in pain as I felt my papa take hold of me. “It’s okay, son.” He pulled me to his chest. I was sweating, my body limp and exhausted.

  I caught Aubin Breaux’s eyes as I passed him. His hat was in his hand, and his fingers were raking through his hair. My mamma ran to me and kissed my head. Tears streamed down her face. Her hand was over her mouth. “They had him tied to a tree,” Aubin explained. My mamma looked back at him as my papa carried me toward the house. “When I got there . . . after . . . when I found him.” Aubin stopped speaking. He met my eyes as my papa carried me up the steps. “Something was wrong with him. He fainted, and his body started jerking funny.”

  My mamma reached out to Aubin. “Thank you, son. You are a good boy.”

  He isn’t, I wanted to argue. He’s one of them. But my papa had brought me inside before I could . . .

  Sia rose to her knees and wrapped her arms around Cowboy from behind. “You’re a good man, Cowboy.”

  “I’m not.” My fucking heart fell at the croak in his voice. “I should’ve put a stop to that shit before it got to that point. I should never have let them do a damn thing to him.”

  “You said it yourself, you didn’t know any better. But you helped when it counted,” I said, and this time, my brother turned his head and looked at me. “Then he came back. After a few days, there was a knock at the door. My mamma hoped it was the police. We reported it, of course, but nothing was done. The police in that town belonged to those families.”

  “Then what?”

  “My mamma came into my bedroom, telling me I had a guest.” I shook my head. “I had no friends, so I had no idea who the hell it was.” I pointed at Cowboy. “Then he came walking through, smelling of horses, with a fucking look on his face that just dared me to kick him out.” I huffed out a laugh. “Should have known that was him sticking around for good.”

  Cowboy smiled back, but it wasn’t his usual grin. “Asshole told me to get the fuck out.” Cowboy dropped his head in guilt. “I deserved it, but—”

  “My mamma let him stay. She shut the door to my bedroom. I was still only able to lie on my front. I watched him like a hawk as he sat across the room on my old desk.”

  “What the fuck do you want?” My pulse was racing, heart slamming as Aubin Breaux sat in my house, staring at what his buddies had done to my back.

  He played with his hat. “Wanted to check you were okay.”

  “Get out,” I ordered again.

  He lifted his cocky gaze my way. “Your mamma said I can stay.”

  “Why?” I growle
d, wincing as my back splintered in pain when I tried to move. “Why do you want to?”

  Aubin shrugged. “Don’t know.” He dropped his head. “What was wrong with you?” He glanced at my walls, at the pictures of old Harleys. “Prefer Choppers myself.”

  “That explains a lot,” I snapped. But the fucker smiled, and my eyes narrowed. I didn’t know what to do with that.

  His expression sobered. “Really . . . Valan . . .” My name sounded strange coming from his lips. “What’s wrong with you?”

  I turned away to look out of the window. Mamma’d had to keep the window shut for the past few days. The breeze felt like razor blades as it ran over my raw flesh. My room felt too stuffy now. But I was stuck here.

  “Valan?”

  “Why do you care? So you can go back to your buddies and tell them? So you can use it against me?”

  “I haven’t seen them,” he said, then boldly met my eyes. He sighed. “Not sure I’m gonna keep in with them.” I raised my eyebrow. “Not sure I can, not after what they’ve done.”

  “Why do you care?”

  “Dunno.” He shrugged. “Just ain’t sitting well with me. Didn’t know it would bother me this much until it has.”

  My mamma opened the door and brought in some drinks. “Aubin,” she said and handed him a glass.

  “Thank you, ma’am.”

  “So, Aubin? What’s your last name, sweetie?” my mamma asked.

  “Breaux, ma’am. Aubin Breaux.”

  Mamma’s face drained of blood. “I know your parents.” She forced a smile. “They’re best friends with mine.”

  “The Moreaus.”

  Mamma nodded. “I’m their daughter.”

  “Mr. Moreau said you were dead to him.”

  Mamma’s face paled, but she forced a smile. “No, sweetie. No matter what he says, I’m still here. Still his daughter.” She quickly left the room. I wanted to chase after her.

  Aubin was still frowning. Then he looked at me. “So you’re Mr. Moreau’s grandson?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Does he know you’re here? That you even exist? He’s never once mentioned you.”

  “Yeah,” I said, firmer. More pissed. “But we ain’t staying.” Aubin looked surprised. “We’re moving. Just as soon as my back has healed and my papa gets work elsewhere.”

  I couldn’t wait.

  Aubin got to his feet. Just as he was about to go, I said, “Epilepsy.” He froze, and then looked back at me. “I have epilepsy. I get seizures . . . That’s what happened to me the other night.” I didn’t know why I told him. He was the first person outside of my parents I ever did.

  Aubin put his hat back on his head and tapped its lip. “Later, Valan.”

  Then he left . . .

  “He came around every day after that,” I said. Cowboy lay back on the bed again.

  “You never saw your friends? The ones who hurt Hush?” Sia asked.

  Cowboy shook his head. “They didn’t know why. Until they saw me with Val, when he was healed. They said nothing at the time. But when I got home that night, I was greeted by my father. ‘You a black-lover now, boy?’ he shouted. They were older parents. Didn’t think they could have kids, until I came by . . . real surprise.” He shook his head. “He might have been older, but he was a rancher and damn good with his fists.”

  “He beat you.”

  Cowboy nodded. “So bad I couldn’t move.”

  “When he could, he snuck out and came to us.” I sighed. “I hadn’t seen him in days. By that point I saw him every day. I . . .” I dropped my head and tried not to sound pathetic. “I kinda came to lean on him. With my seizures . . . I never liked to go out much. Do much in public in case they hit.” I pointed at Cowboy. “He, with his loud mouth and who-gives-a-fuck attitude, helped me.” I glanced at Cowboy, knowing the gratitude I felt toward him would never repay how he’d saved me. “In a town where people only saw color—saw me as the half-breed boy who would be better off dead, a pollution, an abomination—he didn’t. He came to see me as his best friend. We did everything together, because he knew I needed him.”

  “Plus, I was starting to outgrow our home pretty damn quick . . . I just didn’t care anymore. Val was the best person I’d ever met.” His eyes watered. “That, and his folks. People who took up for me, when my father nearly beat me to death. Folks who . . .” He looked away.

  The lump in my throat was suffocating.

  “They took you in?” Sia asked.

  Cowboy nodded. The part of the story I wasn’t sure I could tell had arrived. I looked down at my hands to see they were shaking. I felt the burn patches on my arms like I had just gotten them yesterday, the blisters bubbling in the too-hot heat.

  “He went to confront them,” I whispered, remembering my papa leaving the house. I felt a hand on my shoulder, squeezing in support. Cowboy sat to one side of me. Sia moved to the other. I kept my eyes on the comforter. “First, he went to Cowboy’s folks. Told them what he thought of them. Then he went to my grandparents.” Cold shivers ran down my back. “Turned out my grandmother, who was gradually getting better, had no idea we were even in town. My grandfather hadn’t told her. She’d been bedridden since her stroke.” I squeezed my eyes shut and took a deep breath. “She asked to meet my mamma the following night, asked my papa to pass on the invitation. She wanted to see her daughter again first. Then she wanted to meet me.”

  “Did you ever meet her?” Sia said, caution in her voice.

  Agony engulfed my face. It fucking cut through every inch of me. “No,” I whispered, my voice barely audible. I closed my eyes and tipped my head back, as that night came back to haunt me once again. The one I never wanted to remember, but always did. The night everything just fell the fuck apart . . .

  “I won’t be welcome there,” I said.

  “So the fuck what?” Aubin argued. He threw his arm over my shoulders. His eye was still black from his papa’s beating. His lip was split. And he was carrying his upper body badly. A couple of his ribs were cracked. “It’s the biggest rodeo that comes this way. The real professionals.” Aubin hadn’t ridden since his papa had whooped his ass. “It’s huge. State-fair big. The chances of us running into them is small.”

  I saw the excitement on Aubin’s face. I knew he’d miss it if I said no. But he lived for this stuff. “Fine. We’ll go.”

  Aubin scrubbed my head with his knuckles. “Knew I’d get you liking horses eventually.”

  “Wouldn’t go that far.” I got up and grabbed my coat.

  “Where you going?” my papa asked when we walked into the kitchen. Boxes were strewn about the room. We were finally leaving this fucking place. In a few days, we’d be gone.

  “Rodeo,” Aubin said happily. My papa raised an eyebrow.

  “You got my kid to go watch people riding broncs?” He put his hand on my head. “You feeling okay, Val?” My mamma laughed as I shrugged him off. “Well, just make sure you’re back later tonight. Your mamma is meeting with your grandmother, which means you’re staying with me. Movie, junk food. Sounds ideal.” He looked at Aubin. “You staying tonight, Aubin?”

  Aubin ducked his head. “My mama called too actually. Said I’d meet her at the diner. She wants to see me.”

  My papa rubbed Aubin’s head. “You need me, you call.”

  “Yes, sir.”

  We filed out of the house and into Aubin’s truck. We hightailed it the twenty miles to the rodeo. By the time we got there it was late afternoon. As soon as I saw the stadium come into view, my stomach turned.

  “You’ll be good,” Aubin reassured me, reading my mind. He put his hand on my leg. “Calm down.” He’d become good at that. Knowing when I was starting to stress out. Stress and anger were the two biggest triggers for my seizures.

  I took in a deep breath and then let it out. Twenty minutes later we’d parked up and were heading inside. My heart pounded in my chest as we walked through the crowd. I was waiting for the shit I’d get from these people, but
it never came. We got a soda and a hot dog and watched the saddle broncs.

  “There’s Lucious,” Aubin said. He pointed to a guy who was up next to ride. “Trained with him. We’ll go say hi to him in the stalls afterward.” Lucious got a good enough time to go through to day two, but he wasn’t at the top of the leaderboard.

  I followed Aubin around the back of the stalls. It was quiet back here; most people were watching the main show. We’d barely made it into the empty stalls when we heard, “You have to be shitting me.”

  I snapped my head to my right, and dread immediately filled my every bone when I saw Jase and all the rest of Aubin’s old friends walking toward us. Aubin pushed past me, keeping me behind him.

  “Get the fuck on, Jase,” Aubin warned. I pushed Aubin’s arm away and stood right beside him. If trouble went down, I’d be right by his side.

  Jase laughed. “You a coon-lover now, Aubin? I heard the rumors. Fuck, you fell off the rodeo scene in a flash. But I never expected the rumors to be true.” Jase pointed down to Aubin’s tattoo. “Mongrels weren’t your bag a few months ago.”

  “Yeah, well, things change.”

  Jase pointed right at my face. “You almost got us into deep shit.” He gestured to the others standing around him. “Tried to sell us out to the cops.” He shook his head. “Bad move, half-breed.”

  I began to shake, the anger taking hold. Jase stepped forward, his three cronies following behind, and I ran at the asshole. I threw my fist into his face. Aubin was by my side, fighting too. But four on two was never a good match-up. It wasn’t long before we were on the ground. I glanced at Aub; he was pushing them off his healing face, once again getting battered and bruised.

  “Hey!” a voice called out from the back of the stalls. Jase and the others took off at a run.

  I stared at the ceiling, the rafters starting to tilt. “Aub,” I croaked, holding out my hand for him. I rolled my tongue in my mouth. “I taste metal.”