Beyond Binary

by Brit Mandelo

  Then she make a kind of little wiggle and the dress drop right down on the ground and is like I get transfix. My two eye-them get full up of beauty and if God did strike me dead right there I woulda die happy.

  She only smiling, smiling. “Like you like what you see, eh Fisherman?”

  “Yes, Ma’am.”

  She step out the dress and go over to the bed. She lie back on it and I mark how she bubbies roll to either side when she do so. Today I bring back two fat, round pumpkin from the market, rolling around in my basket. The soup from those pumpkins going to be nice. I taste the salt on my lips still from when I touch she bubbies and lick my fingers after.

  She say, “Come over here, K.C.”

  I go and sit on the edge of the bed, not too close. And now I shame again, for it have a white crochet spread on the bed, and white pillow cases on the pillows and them, with some yellow and pink embroidery edging the pillowcases. I can’t get my fisherman stink all over this lady nice bed!

  “Take off your shoes and your pants, K.C.”

  So I do that, giving thanks that I could turn my back on she and not see she watching when I get naked.

  “The underwears too.”

  I drag off my underpants, the one good ones with no stain. I fold them up small small and put them at the foot of the bed. I leave my hand on them. They still warm from my body. I feel to never leave that warmth.

  “Come into bed with me.”

  So then I had was to turn around to climb on the bed. I feel so big and boobaloops and clumsy. I roll back the bedspread, careful and sit down on the sheet. I pull my knees up to my chest. I watch at she feet. Pretty feet. No callous though.

  She rise up in the bed, sit facing me. She ease the crochet bedspread out from under she body and roll it all the way down to the end of the bed. What she go do now? I nearly perishing for fright. “Lie back, K.C.”

  So I do that, stiff like one piece of plank. She lean over me, she chest hanging nearly in my face. If she come down any lower, how I go breathe? She start passing she hands over my two shoulders, side to side. Big, warm hands. Big like mine. All these years, is this my skin been hungry for. I feel my whole body getting warm, melting into the soft bed. I close my eyes.

  “Nice?” she ask.

  “Mm-hmm.”

  She hands pass side to side, side to side, so hot and nice on my skin. And then the hands go under my bubbies, weighing. I jump and my eyes start open, but the look on she face ain’t telling me nothing. I turn a piece of board again, just lying there. She run she thumbs over my nipples and I swear I feel it right down to my crotch. Is so I does do myself nights when the skin hunger get too bad, but Jesus God how it powerful when somebody else do it for you! My breath coming hard, making little sounds. Can’t make she see, can’t make she hear. I go to push she hands away.

  “Is all right, K.C. Nothing for shame. Relax, nuh?”

  “I doing it right?”

  “When it feeling good, you doing it right.”

  I must be doing it plenty right, then. I put my head on the pillow again. She start to squeeze my bubbies, to pull and tug at them. I ain’t know how much time past, I just get lost in what she hands doing. The little noises I making coming louder now. I wonder if Lennie could hear me, and Two-Tone, but I decide I ain’t care.

  The woman hands on my belly now, massaging the big swell of it. Between my legs my blood only beating, beating. I want…no, I ain’t want that. How anybody could want that? But when she push my legs apart, when that big, warm hand cover my whole pum-pum and squeeze, I swear it try to leap into she hands. She push apart my legs little more, spread my pum-pum lips open. Oy-oy-oy I shame, but I couldn’t stand to stop she. She press on that place, the place between my legs I find to rub so long ago. I forget how to breathe. “Look your little parson’s nose there,” she giggle. She take she hand away and I nearly beg she to put it back. She lick she fingers. She must be did watching my face, how it get disgust, for she say, “You never taste yourself?”

  “Yes.” My voice come out small.

  “Well, then.” She put the fingers back. Oh, God, the wetness she bring on she fingers just sliding and sliding on the button. And she rub and she rub and little more I thrashing round on the bed till she had was to lie over me with all she weight to make me keep still, make me stay open under she fingers and something coming from deep inside me it buzzing buzzing buzzing from way inside my body like I don’t know what but it coming and I can’t stop it, don’t want to stop it and I barely hear myself and the noises I making and then it hit me like lightning and it ride me like a storm and I shout something, I ain’t know what and inside my pum-pum squeezing so hard and nice. I only sweating and trembling when the something drop me back on the bed. “Fuck.”

  “Exactly.” She laugh, move off me. “You have a mouth like a fisherman, too.”

  Sweat drenching me, salt drying on my skin. My belly feeling all fluttery inside. I couldn’t look at she. One time long long ago, one night time in my bed, I touch myself long time like she just touch me and I get a feeling little bit like she just give me, but it frighten me. I thought I was deading. I thought is because is nastiness I was doing. I pull my hand away, and the feeling stop. And though I figure out afterwards that I wasn’t go dead, though I do that thing between my legs plenty times since and it feel nice, I never manage after that to make the feeling come back so strong again. “What we go do now?” I ask she.

  “How you know we ain’t finish, K.C.?”

  I peek over my bubbies and belly at she. She sitting in between my legs like if it ain’t have nothing wrong with that. She two massive legs pinning my own big ones down, brown on brown. I see she cocoa pod pum-pum, spread open pink and glistening, going to brown at the edges. Lord, what a thing. “I ain’t feel finish yet, I feel like it have more.”

  She give me that rapscallion smile. “Oh yes, it could have plenty more.”

  She start to stroke my button again, gentle. I glad for that, for it feeling tender. Nice, though. I ain’t really get surprised when she push a finger inside my pum-pum. Then another one. I do that myself, plenty times. I thought is only me do that. Me and my nastiness. I start to relax back on she fine white bedspread again, but all of a sudden I sitting up and pulling she hands away. “No. Stop.”

  She stop one time. “You don’t like it?”

  “I…. I don’t know.” Then I bust out with, “I just feel…. I not a glove you does wear for you to go inside me like that.”

  She just stroke my thighs, with a look on she face like she thinking. “All right then. Let we try something else.”

  Just like that? “Is all right?”

  “Yes, K.C. Everybody different. You must tell me what you like and don’t like. Move over so I could lie down.”

  I make room for she. She lie down on she back with one knee bend. “Touch me like I touch you.”

  Lord, but this thing hard to do. The way the boys and them talk, I did think it would be easy; just pay the woman and she fix you up.

  I do she like she do me. I massage she shoulders, I play with she bubbies. So strange. Like touching my own, almost.

  “Pull them.”

  I ain’t know what she mean. She put she nipples between my fingers.

  “Pull.”

  I tug little bit.

  “Harder.”

  So I ’buse up she breasts for she. It look like she good and like it, though. She breathing coming in heavy. It make me feel good. Powerful. I knead she belly, and she spread open she legs for me. The pum-pum smell rise from she, like I used to smelling it on myself. I know that smell like my life. I start to relax. I rub she little button, but that ain’t seem to sweet she so much. She only screwing up she face and twitching little bit when I touch she. I stop. “I not doing it right.”

  “It ain’t have no right nor wrong, my fisherman. Just stroke it from the top to the bottom, very gentle.”

  Oho. Treat she tot-tots hard on top, she pum-pum soft down below. I co
uld do that. I make the touch light, so light. In two-twos she start to say, “Mm,” and “Ah,” quiet-quiet like the first soft breeze of morning. I look at she face. She head only rolling from side to side, she eyes shut tight. She nipples crinkle up and jooking out. I feel if to kiss them. I wonder if I could do that? She belly shuddering. I think she liking it.

  Something wetting my hand, down there where I stroking she. I look down. She pum-pum getting wet and warm and sticky. The salt and sweat smell rising up from she stronger. Now what to do? I ain’t know what to do.

  Do me like I do you, that is what she tell me. Maybe she don’t mind being a glove. So I slip one finger inside the pum-pum. She kinda give a little squeak. It hot in there, and slippery. It only squeezing and squeezing my finger, tight. “Like this, Missis?”

  “Oh God like that. Go in and out for me, nuh? No, no; only partway out. Yes, yes, K.C. like that.”

  I get a rhythm going; in, out, in.

  “More fingers, K.C.”

  I could do that.

  “More.”

  Four fingers inside she, fulling she up. She squeezing tight like a handshake now, and only getting wetter. And every push I push, my hand going in farther. I get lost in the warm wet and sucking and the little moans she making. She spreading she knees wider, tilting up she hips to get my fingers deeper in.

  “Oh God more.”

  More? Is only my thumb leave behind. I tuck it in close with the others and push that inside she too. She start to groan. I say, “I hurting you?” I start to pull my hand out.

  “If you only take it out,” she pant, “I swear I box you here tonight.” She spread she two feet to either side of the bed, move she pum-pum up to meet me hand. “Push it, K.C. Push.”

  And is like a space opening up deep inside the poonani. Like it pulling. Like it hungry. I push a few little minutes more, with she groaning and rolling she head around. And next thing I know, is no lie, my whole hand pass through the tightest place inside she and slide into she poonani right up to the wrist! She groan, “Fuck me, K.C.!”

  She hips bucking like anything. A strong woman this. I had was to brace myself, wrap one arm around she thigh and hold on tight. So close in there, I close my hand up into a fist. I pull back my hand partway, and push it in again. Pull back, push in. Pull back, push in. She start to bawl ’bout don’t stop, fuck she, don’t stop. I could do that. I hold on to she bucking body and I fuck she. Me, K.C. She only throwing sheself around steady on the bed. The way she head tossing, all she hair come loose from that pretty hairstyle. It twisting and knotting all over the two pillows. She belly shaking, she bubbies bouncing up and down, she thighs clamp onto me. And she bawling, bawling. This woman bawling like any baby here in this bed. I ride with she. I feel my own pum-pum getting warm, my button swelling and throbbing between my legs. I fuck she, I fuck she. She moan, she twist herself up. My shoulders burning from all the work I doing, but I just imagine I pulling in the net with the boys and them. Push your hand out, pull it back. Push it out, pull it back. Push, pull. I smelling pum-pum all ’round me and my sweat and she own.

  All of a sudden, something deep inside she start to squeeze my hand fast-fast-fast like a pounding heart, so strong I frighten my hand going to sprain. She arch she back up right off the bed and she scream, “Oh GOD I love a mannish woman!” And more too besides, but them wasn’t exactly words.

  Hmm. Mannish woman. I like better to be she fisherman. Now is not the time to tell she that, though.

  The pounding inside she stop. She give a little sigh and reach down and grab my wrist to hold it quiet. She flop back down on the bed with that mischevious grin on she face again.

  Somebody knock on the door. I jump and freeze. If I come out too fast, I might hurt she.

  “Mary Anne?” Everything all right?” Is a man voice.

  She start to laugh. I could feel it right down in she belly. “Jackobennie, you too fast. I with a customer. Leave we some privacy.”

  A deep chuckle roll into the room. “Sorry, girl. I ain’t mean to disturb allyou; I gone.”

  I could hear the heavy weight of he footsteps as he walk away. Jackobennie is a giant of a man. My whole body start to feel cold one time. “You is Jackobennie woman?”

  She lie back and close she eyes, squeeze my hand that jam up inside she. She smile. “Jackobennie is my right-hand man. He and me know one other since God was a little boy in short pants. Jackobennie does make sure me and the rest of the girls stay safe. Sometimes customers does act stupid. Don’t fret your head about Jackobennie, K.C. You is a well-behaved customer.”

  I smile.

  “Move the heel of your hand up and down for me, nuh? Ai! Gentle!”

  I could do that. A sucking sound come from inside she poonani as she flesh move away little bit from my hand.

  “Good. Now come out, slow.”

  My shoulder muscles burn as I pull out. My hand come back to me wet and wrinkly. I raise the hand to my mouth. It smell like she, like me. I taste it. I know that taste.

  “Here.” Mary Anne hand me a towel from out the bedside table. I wipe my hands.

  My bubbies tingling.

  Mary Anne sit up, she belly resting on she thighs like a calabash. When she grin at me again, I feel all warm inside.

  “So, fisherman,” she say, “What you think of your first time?”

  “Nice. Strange. But nice.”

  “Like you. You going to come back and see me sometimes?”

  “You want me to come back?”

  “It have plenty more I could show you, sweetness.”

  My pum-pum feeling like a big, warm smile. I just done fuck somebody. The grin that break out on my face must be did brighter than the sun.

  For that grin, she say, she kiss me again.

  ∞

  After she and me done clean weselves up she count the money and tuck it into she bosom. She take my hand. Nobody do that since I was a small child. We step outside the room and walk down the hall to the parlour.

  Bright lights. All the chatting stop one time. Everybody looking at we. Lennie skinning up he face like he smelling something rotten. Two-Tone, with the cards still in he hand, busting a grin from one side of he jaw to the next and shaking he head. “Lord, K.C.,” he laugh. “Is what you was doing inside there with that woman?”

  Mary Anne walk with me over to the bar. “Is what you think he was doing, Two-Tone? Bartender, give the man a beer there. House paying.”

  I hear the chair scrape and I turn round one time to face the storm. I did know it was coming. Everything I get in this life, I had was to fight for. Lennie throw down his cards and slam his hand on the table. The shot glasses jump. “ ‘Man?’ Don’t make joke, woman! Is nastiness allyou was doing! Is against nature!”

  I step between Lennie and Mary Anne, but she come out from behind me. She push out one broad hip and cotch up she hand on it. “Lennie,” she say, loud so everyone in the bar was looking now. “Against nature? And the way you too love to push your totie up inside my behind—ain’t that is against nature too?”

  And one set of belly laugh cut loose in the place. Jackobennie, man mountain, thundering, slapping his hand on the bar. The little, light-skin bartender with he long fingers only giggling and snapping he white towel in the air. The rest of my crew holding their sides and shaking with laugh. Ramesh. Errol. Matchstick. Two of the whores jump up from their tables and start to wind each other down, back to belly. “Like this, Lennie? Eh?” the one in back shout, jooking she crotch in she mini-skirt crotch up against the behind of the one in front of she. Lennie face just shut down.

  I barely have time to notice how the mini-skirt woman voice hard, how she shoulders broader than my own, when Lennie rush Mary Anne, reach for she neck. Jackobennie jump and hold he, but is my hand grab Lennie wrist. Lennie spit at me: “Bullah woman!”

  He try to break my hold. I hang on. I could do that.

  “Lennie man, calm down!” Jackobennie say, wrestling Lennie by he shoulders. But Len
nie not paying him no mind. He only trying to box me, he eyes boring hate into me like them could jook inside my brain and strike me dead. Mary Anne not saying anything. I can’t see she. She all right? I holding Lennie back with the arm I had inside she. It getting weary. But I hang on. Lennie know he could pull net twice as hard as me. But like he forget I could go longer.

  “Lennie,” Jackobennie rumble right beside Lennie ear. He put he hand on Lennie shoulder. Lennie try to shrug it away.

  “Let me go, I say! Fucking bullah woman and she fucking whore! I going knock she head right off she shoulders!”

  I just keep holding on. My hand trembling, but I don’t let go. Mary Anne step in between me and Lennie, and I see Jackobennie fingers tighten on Lennie shoulder. “Lennie,” Mary Anne say, hard and fast, “If you make any more comess in my house tonight, you never going set foot in here again.”

  Lennie look from me to she, he eyes bull-red in he angry face.

  “No more of this sweet behind for you, Lennie. Who else you going find to let you do that thing with them?”

  Lennie shake my hand off he wrist. It look like he cool down little bit, so I let he. He try to stare down Mary Anne. Jackobennie never move away from he the whole time; that big, heavy hand resting like a threat on Lennie shoulder. From behind the two of them I hear Two-Tone say, “The woman right you know, Lennie. You have to have some manners inside she establishment. And all these years K.C. been doing everything else we men does do, you think she ain’t go do this too?”

  “It not right!” Lennie spit, glaring at Mary Anne.

  I barely hear what Jackobennie whisper to Lennie, grinning the whole while: “And what you pay me and Mary Anne to do to you that time? That wrong too?”

  Lennie glance over he shoulder like is the devil heself latch on there. He go still. It get quiet in the place again. I see he shoulders sag. “All right,” he mutter. “Let me go. I ain’t go hurt nobody.”